Tag: Light After Loss

Grief Anxiety: 6 Ways to Manage Anxiety After Loss

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

Anxiety disorders affect more than 40 million Americans each year. They’re not only the most common type of mental illness but also something that many of us grapple with after someone we love dies. And that’s not surprising. After all, when we are grieving, we feel vulnerable and confused and experience a range of emotions over which we have very little control.

But the anxiety that’s associated with grief isn’t a commonly discussed topic in our culture, which isn’t the most comfortable supporting those coping with loss, and so we are frequently taken by surprise when the symptoms arise.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Instagram Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and Claire Bidwell Smith, author of “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief,” discussed strategies for coping with anxiety after loss. Here are some key takeaways of their conversation:

Remind yourself that anxiety is a normal reaction to grief

Anxiety is the mind’s response to a fearful situation and our body’s way of managing stress. Death and loss automatically set off our fear responders, putting us on alert and heightening physical sensations. It can help to remember and remind yourself that this is a very normal reaction.

Carve out some time to consider the feelings you’re experiencing

Feelings of anxiety can arise from unprocessed grief. Block off some time to really sit with yourself and notice what you’re feeling. Do you have any emotions or memories that you are avoiding out of fear or pain? If you do, consider doing some work in these areas (on your own or with the support of a professional) to ease the pressure on your accompanying anxiety.

Embrace post-traumatic growth

When psychologists study post-traumatic growth, they find that along with grief and sadness people often begin to see new possibilities and find new sources of meaning. Find ways to begin moving forward and healing. Sometimes we resist doing this because it feels as though if we choose to move forward, then it means we are letting go of our loved one. Rest assured, this will never happen. We can find ways to build a meaningful life in someone’s absence while also maintaining our relationship with them.

Write it down

Writing about your grief can be an incredibly powerful experience. The practice can help us process our feelings, release tension, and feel connected to our lost loved ones. Don’t pressure yourself to create any great works of meaning. Just get your thoughts onto the page, screen, or whatever napkin is sitting in front of you.

Woman writes her thoughts in a journal.

Connect with others

No matter the circumstances, grief is a lonely experience. There is no road map given to us as soon as we experience a loss, and this can make us understandably anxious. It can be helpful to find support from others going through their own losses. Consider reaching out to one of the many in-person or virtual grief groups, like the 1-800-Flowers Connection Communities, the Modern Loss peer-to-peer online group, or even just a friend who is willing to listen.

Know when to reach out for help

If anxious thoughts start interfering with your daily life and cause feelings of significant distress, please contact someone to help you through this stage. Finding the right fit could take a few tries, so read about some of the options available to you, from grief groups to individual counselors.

A couple at funeral holding hands consoling each other in view of the loss.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversations about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Trust us to help you express your condolences, giving comfort and support. We offer funeral flowers for the service, handcrafted by our caring florists, and sympathy and remembrance gifts for the home.

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Moving Forward: Understanding and Reimagining Loss

dying with heart-shaped flower wreath

When my high school boyfriend’s sister died, I remember watching their family suffer through the moment in a sort of catatonic blindness. His mother sobbed in grief. His father sat numbly. The other siblings walked around silent, crying and reckless. None of us had the vocabulary or familiarity with death to understand and mourn the sudden loss of a child — and perhaps no one ever does. However, I do believe that if we all had had more conversations about death, more familiarity with death, and more understanding of the grieving process, the moment would have been different.

A death-denying culture

dying with sympathy fruit basket
Wishing You Peace Sympathy Fruit Basket

Americans don’t want to talk about death: in fact, America is considered a death-denying culture. The well-known bioethicist George Annas described it further noting that America’s death-denying culture “cannot accept death as anything but defeat…we are utterly unable to prepare for death.”  Death is not defeat. Death is the most universal part of the human experience. Yet, our inability to accept death means that we lack the basic skills needed to address it when it happens. Our fear of death leads to avoidance which makes situations related to death worse for everyone. 

dying with sympathy flowers
Classic All White Arrangement for Sympathy

The way to address our underlying fear of death isn’t by avoiding the topic. Instead, we need to become more comfortable with it. The way to become more comfortable with it is to have open conversations about death and dying that include telling stories about dying, reading obituaries, and learning about various traditions related to death. It, also, means learning how to live. 

Prior to the start of the twentieth century, there were widely circulated books, called ars moriendi,  about how to both live and die well. However, following WWII, these books fell out of favor in Europe and North America to be replaced by an over-emphasis on being alive. The result: an obsession with living made death off limits. 

Changing how we think about death

dying with Kristina Libby Flowers by Water

Like all massive swings, we have simply shifted too far in our response to dying.  we need to swing back to a more normalized view. This normalization is a moral necessity. A culture that cannot accept the inevitability of death will run from it in blind fear. That fear will tear at the fabric of society and the people within it. 

One of the ways to change the way we think and talk about death is to change the visual and written depictions of death. The Floral Heart Project uses flower hearts to memorialize those who have died. It’s colorful, natural, and focuses on comfort rather than more prototypical death depictions. Similarly, when we talk about death and dying, we can talk not just about the end of someone’s life, but also the community around them, the hallmarks of a life well loved, and how to help heal the community that has been impacted by their passing. 

dying with memorial candle
In Memory of a Life So Beautifully Lived Candle

Discussing death and moving forward

When my boyfriend’s sister died, it was important to remember her but it was equally important to find a way to care for, recognize, and share love with the people who remained. If we take the time to understand and discuss dying, we are not being morbid. Rather, we are being active and aware participants in our community because we understand that death will happen, and after it has, the most important thing we can do is to take care of the living. The best way to quell the fear of dying is to live a life that acknowledges it, respects it, and continues to thrive despite it. Beyond that, it’s to build a community that helps each other through the natural cycles of being human.

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