Struggling deeply after loss is a perfectly natural thing. And questioning why we are struggling is also normal. But having an insight into the scientific perspective on this universal experience can make us realize that there’s nothing “wrong” with us for feeling like grief is hard.
In a recent “Light After Loss" Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss' Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about practical knowledge that can help us better understand what happens when we grieve and how to navigate loss with more ease and grace. She was joined by Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona. O’Connor directs the Grief, Loss and Social Stress Lab, which investigates the effects of grief on the brain and the body.
Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:
What is the difference between ‘grief’ and ‘grieving’?
Grief is the natural human reaction to loss; it’s all the feelings and reactions in a moment, the ferocious wave that knocks you off your feet. It feels awful in a way that you didn’t anticipate and potentially makes you think that you won’t get through it.
We are each the expert on our own grief
How does the brain handle grief?
Grief is the natural human reaction to loss; it’s all the feelings and reactions in a moment, the ferocious wave that knocks you off your feet.
For example, when you say your morning goodbyes before heading to work, typically there’s no doubt in your mind that you will see that person again. The time and space of keeping track of our close loved ones is something that our brain devotes a lot of time and space to doing. In the unusual situation when a person dies, the brain’s answer is, “If they’re not here, go find them.”
Neurologically, what happens with our emotions in grief?
All of the chemicals in our brain – dopamine, oxytocin, cortisol – are trying to motivate us to stay in touch with our loved ones. In daily life, this makes a lot of sense (you don’t want to forget to pick your daughter up from school). All of that neurochemistry is motivating and driving us to maintain our relationships, so all of the emotions – the guilt, grief, anger over the situation and at them – come about because that person is so important to us. That doesn’t change the first day after they die. We have to learn how to integrate that experience into our ongoing life.
This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversations about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.
AUTHOR
Co-founder of Modern Loss, Rebecca Soffer is the host of "Light After Loss," 1-800-Flowers.com's Facebook Live series on navigating the long arc of grief. She has been featured on CBS Sunday Morning and speaks nationally about grief and resilience. She is the coauthor of "The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience" and "Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome." She has also been widely published in The New York Times, Marie Claire, and other outlets.