Author: Modern Loss

We all have good intentions during times of loss, but due to a number of factors, including changes in our culture, we tend to have a hard time approaching the topic of grief. While we want to be there for the ones who need support the most, we simply don’t always know how. As a result, we frequently fall into the trap of offering platitudes, such as “How are you?” or “It takes a year,” unwittingly suggesting actions that will move a process along that actually has no set timeline, or, worse, ignoring it completely.

When a colleague is grieving, we find ourselves even more overwhelmed by trying to figure out how to support them. We may be nervous to cross lines with someone who we also work with professionally on a daily basis — but that shouldn’t stop us from trying. After all, we spend so much time at the office that it’s completely logical that many life milestones will be lived out in front of coworkers.

There are many ways you can sensitively — and sensibly — help a colleague affected by loss. Here are four of them.

1. Send flowers, but do more

Sending flowers, a beautiful plant, or some food in the immediate wake of a loss is a universally accepted move, so go for it. If you are so inclined, though, do more. Do you live near the funeral location, and is the service open to the public? Consider planning to show up with a group of coworkers to pay your respects in person and learn more about the one who died. What type of loss are they grieving? Identify an organization to which you and your team could make a meaningful donation in their person’s memory.

2. Pass along a simple yet meaningful message

It’s normal to feel awkward around a colleague who is going through a difficult time, especially when they are newly back at work. After all, they may be using business hours as a way to do everything in their power to stay composed. Don’t feel the need to ask them how they are doing every hour (in fact, please don’t do this!), and don’t offer any “solutions” or assurances during every encounter. Take the time to leave a handwritten card on their desk, or even just send them an email telling them how happy you are that they’re back and asking them to tell you, whenever they feel like it, how they’d prefer you bring up their loss in the workplace. (Doing this via email takes the pressure off them to give an immediate response.) When you truly have no clue what to say, use a version of this: “I wish I knew the right thing to say and how to make it better. But I want you to know how sorry I am that you are going through this, that you can always talk to me, and that I’m in your corner.” It always works.

Gifts for a grieving coworker

3. Find out their trigger days

Several times throughout the year, your colleague will move through a particularly emotionally charged day — be it a holiday, birthday, death anniversary — and this might explain a drop in productivity, change of mood, or any other behavior that’s out of the ordinary. Knowing about them in advance will surely make you more sympathetic to their needs. If you don’t feel comfortable asking them for this information, check in with your manager; they might be able to share the details with you. Then, add those days to your calendar and remember to be extra thoughtful around those times.

4. Practice empathy

Not everyone is comfortable being around someone else’s pain. But if you are OK with it, show all the empathy you can muster by being the one who lets them completely lose it in your presence, or opens their office to them when they need a few moments to themselves throughout the day, or invites them to a standing lunch or happy hour. It will surely strengthen both your professional and personal relationships moving forward. And, chances are, when you’re the one going through tough times in the future, you’ll know exactly who will open their office to you.

This article was authored by Modern Loss, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. Learn more at modernloss.com and the book “Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome.”

When we think of “being there” for the people we care about, our minds naturally turn to the period right after a major event, such as a diagnosis, death, or divorce. Many of us excel at coming through during those early days, when the needs are immediate and we have a general roadmap for hitting everything on an urgent to-do list (helping to plan a funeral, sending out emails, ordering food, researching doctors or other services).

After that initial period, however, we all have to get back to our daily lives. But guess what? That’s exactly when it gets extra lonely for the person you were so good at supporting.

The good news is that providing meaningful support to someone over the long term isn’t as hard as you think — you just need to get a little creative. And, trust us, they’ll always remember you did.

Here are five ways to be there for a loved one on a difficult anniversary.

1. Get out the e-planner

Ask your friend to send you any dates whose approach they dread, and enter them into your calendar with annual reminders. (Tip: Set a reminder for the day prior.) Send an email or text, or give them a call to let them know you’re thinking of them.

2. Send something their way

The flowers and food deliveries are long gone even by the first anniversary mark. Be the one who changes that. Think of something that might lighten their mood, or inspire or comfort your friend. A bracelet that says “Keep going”? A shipment of ice cream packed with empathy? An enormous amount of chocolate or a card that expresses your true feelings? Send it their way and surprise them with your thoughtfulness.

3. Remember with them

What does this date signify? A wedding anniversary with a deceased partner? A birthday or “death day”? The day they signed their divorce papers or were told a relationship was over? Or the one when they learned they or a loved one were sick? If you have memories of their dead loved one, send a card or email and include some of them. Even a simple recollection or two about the deceased’s personality or a specific anecdote or occasion you celebrated with them will speak volumes. (Better yet: Make a plan to get together and tell the stories in person.) You can do the same for a diagnosis or another difficult anniversary; ask them what they’d like to talk about. Remember to ask follow-up questions and truly listen. Storytelling will be more appreciated than any “advice” you have to offer.

4. Send out the bat signal

There is power in numbers! Organize a meal train for the person’s close network to support them through comforting food and short visits that week. Ask your friend if they’re open to your planning a casual dinner gathering so that they have something to do on the day, and then have it at their favorite restaurant or a familiar home setting. Do they want to be distracted or blow off some steam? Go bowling, take a group “paint and sip” class, or head to your local axe throwing joint.

5. Get practical

In addition to emotional support, what do they need? Someone to stay with their kids while they have some precious alone time? An organized home? A ride to an appointment or someone to hold their hand in the waiting room? A clean dog? Send them a “gift certificate” for any or all of the above and lift some of the daily burdens off their shoulders during this particularly difficult anniversary.

This article was authored by Modern Loss, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. Learn more at modernloss.com and the book “Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome.”