In the series āLight After Loss,ā Modern Lossās Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss. In this article, she discusses how to comfort a friend after the diagnosis of a terminal illness.
A good friend has received a terminal diagnosis. Amid your devastation ā and, moreover, theirs ā itās completely normal to fear saying or doing the wrong thing. In fact, thereās nothing easy about any of this. There are, however, ways to show up for your friend with care and with comfort. They may require strengthening your empathy muscles ā those ones that enable you to forge positive and meaningful bonds with others. Here are a few ways to get you started.
Practice active listening
Itās tempting to twist your fears into a litany of reassurances. You might want to tell your friend that they are going to beat the odds. Or that scientists are going to find a cure before itās too late. Resist the urge to prattle on with a message of positivity. Instead, listen to their disbelief, their terror, their wishes. Listen to their silence without rushing to fill it. Being an āactive listenerā means largely ceding the floor to the other person, curbing interruptions (be they digital notifications or just the desire to jump in), and reflecting their words back to them. There is great comfort in being heard.
But say something
Yes, we just got done telling you to prioritize listening over speaking in these situations. And we know saying nothing is easier than a conversation acknowledging that death is imminent. But saying nothing can be āselfish,ā the writer Magnolia Ripkin, who is living with lung cancer, has written. āBetter to be too loving than slink away into your own fear of saying the wrong thing,ā she said. So speak from the heart in a way that honors your relationship and its boundaries. āI love you,ā you might say to a friend (but not a boss). Or: āWhatever you are feeling is ok.ā
Donāt assume he shares your beliefs or faith traditions
You may believe that prayer has the power to heal. You may believe in an afterlife that is better than this life. But not everyone does. Before you vocalize these views, itās important to remember that your friend may not share them. Or maybe they share them, but donāt find them particularly comforting, given the circumstances. Because they are both enduring chemo and hoping to last long enough to see their daughter graduate from high school. So donāt superimpose your beliefs onto anyone elseās, and donāt pretend to know what role, if any, faith ā or the lack thereof ā is playing in your friendās life right now.
Forget āI canāt imagineā and try to imagine
This phrase is one of those irksome things people say to a person who is facing down something tough. Itās rarely said out of malice, but hereās why itās unhelpful: It creates a distance between the person who is saying it and the person who is hearing it. When we ācanāt imagine,ā we telegraph invulnerability at a moment when the other person is feeling more vulnerable than ever; when we try to imagine, we attempt to understand someone elseās reality ā and in so doing we build our empathy muscles (not just our sympathy ones).
Remember: People with a terminal illness are still living
It might sound obvious, but itās something we too often forget. A personās terminal illness diagnosis doesnāt supplant her personality. Their sense of humor doesnāt go away, and neither does their potential. Donāt deny your friend the agency he does have, even amid their physical decline. In addition to sitting with them through though dark moods and outbursts, itās ok to talk to them about things other than their illness ā pop culture, politics, or parenting, for example ā just as you always did. In fact, itās more than ok: Providing the space to engage with the mundane can be a huge relief.
This article was authored by Modern Loss, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. Learn more at modernloss.com and the book Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome.
Comments are closed.