Mark Teich, Author at 1800Flowers Petal Talk

Speak Your Partner’s Love Language This Valentine’s Day

Here it is again, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year! Husbands and wives or lovers exchange cards, flowers, gifts and sweet nothings in the ear, sparking anew their undying passion and affection.

Anyway, that’s generally the plan. And all these amorous niceties are a meaningful and luxurious treat, but as we all know, making love last and grow is a trickier proposition.

To get the real scoop on how to renew and stoke mutual love on Valentine’s Day and beyond, we talked to Dr. Gary Chapman, an internationally recognized marriage counselor and author of “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.” First published in 1992, the book has since snowballed into a publishing miracle, with more than 13 million copies sold in 50 languages.

The five love languages

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of "The 5 Languages of Love"

Dr. Chapman developed his concept of the five love languages in the early 1990s. After reviewing the notes from his many years in marriage counseling, he realized that everything he knew about expressing and receiving love on an emotional level could best be framed in five categories, or “languages”: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

For almost all of us, one of those five is more important than the other. The key to our feeling truly loved is getting that kind of love from our partner as often as possible.

Words of affirmation

“Words of affirmation can be as simple as ‘You look nice in that outfit’ or ‘I appreciate what you did,’” Chapman explains. “It can be something about their looks or personality or something else. It’s simply using words to affirm something about the other person. You can write them, speak them, even sing them.”

Acts of service

Then there are acts of service, or doing something for the other person that you know they would like you to do: Washing dishes, vacuuming floors, cooking a meal, walking the dog, mowing the grass. “You know the old saying, actions speak louder than words,” Chapman says. “It’s not true for everyone, but it is true for these people. If this is their love language, actions will speak louder than words.”

Gifts

As for gifts, they’re a universal expression of love, telling someone you’re thinking of them, but it rings the loudest bell for someone when it’s their primary love language.

“It doesn’t have to be an expensive gift, but it needs to be a thoughtful one,” Chapman explains. “It can be as simple as a candy bar — something you know they would enjoy. But it means you have to know them and what would make them feel loved.”

Quality time

Quality time, Chapman notes, means giving someone your undivided attention. “This can be a conversation sitting at home, taking a walk together, going out to eat,” he says. “It doesn’t even have to involve talking. It can be a project, say, doing a flower garden in the front yard together. The important thing is not the flower garden; it’s giving them full attention while you do it with them.”

Physical touch

Physical touch runs a wide gamut, from holding hands, putting an arm around a shoulder or touching their leg as they drive — simple affirming physical touches — to kissing, embracing, and sex.

“We can receive love in all five of these languages, and we’re not going to turn away from any of them,” Chapman says. “But one of them is going to mean much, much more emotionally to us than the others.”

Love dialects

Even if, on rare occasions, someone has the same love language as his or her partner, the partner may speak a different subset of that language. “A woman once said to me, ‘For both me and my husband Gary, acts of service mean the most, but my husband needs to receive different acts of service than I do to feel loved,’” Chapman recalls. “So, in effect, they spoke different ‘dialects’ of acts of service, and each had to learn the other’s dialect to make the partner feel the most loved.”

The question is, how do we improve our relationships by tapping into the love language our partner favors most? “Obviously, all of us have disagreements on many different subjects in the course of life,” Chapman acknowledges. “But if we meet the need for love, it’s far more likely for us to be willing to listen to the other person’s perspective and try to process the conflicts in a healthy manner. Our greatest emotional need as humans is to feel loved by the significant people in our life, and having that foundation of love makes everything else easier.”

Reaching the heart of Heart’s Day

Is the upshot, at least on Feb. 14, that we focus our Valentine’s Day attentions on whatever our lover’s love language is? If words of affirmation are her thing, do we stick with a card and protestations of our undying admiration? If physical touch is what gives him a charge, do we simply lay on hands? If gifts stir her heartstrings, do we bring home her cherished white roses and a box of her favorite chocolates?

For Chapman, on this special day, it’s all of the above.

“In our culture, we have our traditional ways of expressing love on Valentine’s day, especially flowers and words,” he says. “So, I wouldn’t be too dogmatic here. You’ll never hear me saying on Valentine’s Day, speak only the other person’s primary love language. No, no, no, no! I would say that even if gifts or words are not your partner’s love language, don’t simply assume that you don’t have to mess around with cards or flowers.

Almost every woman I know likes flowers, whether it’s her primary love language or not, unless she’s allergic.

DR. GARY CHAPMAN

Marriage counselor and author of “The 5 Love Languages”

“Almost every woman I know likes flowers, whether it’s her primary love language or not, unless she’s allergic,” he says. “There’s almost an expectation that her spouse will give her flowers or another gift and a card. Do as many of those as you can. Give her flowers, give her a card, give her candy or another gift, take her out to eat, and she’s going to think, ‘Wow, what’s come over this guy?!’”

In other words, speak her love language and then go way past that language. “Lean over backward, go overboard!” Chapman says. “Give heavy doses of the primary love language, sprinkle in the other four, and you get extra credit!”

The cover of Gary Chapman's book, "The 5 Love Languages"

Testing your love

A quarter century after the book’s debut, more than 300,000 people each month visit its webpage, www.5lovelanguages.com. The first stop on the page is a quiz that will establish which of the five “love languages” is your primary love language. The idea is for you and your partner to separately take the quiz, each learning your own dominant love language, sharing that information, and then keeping it in mind and putting it to use ever after.

For Dr. Chapman, this can be a vital first step in establishing unprecedented communication between you, the kind of communication that can help you deepen and solidify your love to the end of your days.

Coping with Loss: A Connection Community Where Sympathy & Understanding Meet Raw Emotions

If you’re looking for emotional support, peer acceptance, and a sense of belonging, Connection Communities at 1-800-Flowers.com is a wonderful place to start. Our series “Strength of Community” explores the conversations that take place in this unique online forum for sympathy and grief. Except where noted, the names in this article have been changed to protect the privacy of the forum’s participants.

When you lose a cherished relative or companion, there’s only so much that “I’m sorry for your loss” can do for you. In 1-800-Flowers.com’s “Coping with Loss” Connection Community, though, the conversations run much deeper.

The people in this group hope for nothing less, having lost aunts and uncles, parents and grandparents, siblings and spouses, lovers and best friends, children and cherished pets — the worst losses anyone could imagine. They come here to salve their pain, ease their survivor’s guilt, and find some understanding that can help them keep facing the world. They often need to intensely vent their grief, and here they can do it with impartial people who don’t carry the baggage of an existing relationship with them.

Bereavement issue at work

Recently, Dolores Green posted that shortly after beginning training for a new job, her grandfather died. She was granted bereavement leave, but on the second day she took off, she received a call saying she had been fired for missing training. She got the call in the middle of the funeral. That upset her so much that she missed the rest of the funeral, and she subsequently fell into depression.

Then she received a call from her boss: A mistake had been made by human resources, and she still had a job. Nonetheless, she remained so upset by the whole fiasco that she felt tremendous stress at the job, and she came to the Coping with Loss members looking for help and advice about whether to leave or stay at the job.

A slew of people responded with emotion, insight, shared memories and cogent, inspirational advice. Some of the counsel especially moved her: “A good work culture is worth more than money,” one person told her, which had her leaning toward quitting. But then someone else offered contrasting advice that was simple but effective: “Before you quit, talk to your boss and clear the air,” she said. Dolores took that advice in the end and thanked everyone profusely for their support.

Varied losses, consistent support

Not everyone who posts in the Coping with Loss group has such a complicated story, and the types of losses vary widely. But in each instance, people post about feelings that are serious and deeply felt, and most of the time the responses share that emotional quality, because the respondents have experienced similar pain, or are still going through it.

The answers sometimes help people who post solve problems they are facing, but they always help them feel they’re not carrying their burdens alone. The conversations include:

Anne Lassiter, whose sister died from COVID, heard from many others who had lost relatives to the virus, and they all commiserated.
Selma Farins, who lost her mother to alcohol, heard from others who had similarly gone through Al-Anon and other attempts to save their loved ones, with the same alternating feelings of hope and despair.
John Adler, who lost his best friend, talked about how whenever he started feeling better, the grief cycled back to him again and again at unpredictable times. He heard from many others who said the same thing kept happening to them. They suggested that the grief would dim with time, and that he would learn to roll with it.
Samuel P., who posted that he was having recurrent dreams about his dead mother and kept waking up thinking she was still alive, before being disappointed again to realize his mother had passed. He was surprised to learn that many others had similarly confusing dreams that led to disappointed awakenings.
Jean Johnson, who lost her mother and then had to deal with a wicked stepmother who was attempting to get all the father’s money, received many excellent responses about how to navigate the situation, including advice from a lawyer or two.

It doesn’t take a lawyer to give helpful advice, however. Every “Coping with Loss” participant brings his or her own expertise to the fray, born of hard-won experience, says Iris Arenson-Fuller (her real name), a life and loss transformation coach who has frequently offered help and advice to the community.

As an example of her contribution, she remembers how sad one young man was on his deceased mother’s birthday. “Together we came up with a way to honor her with his siblings by creating a special birthday meal of her favorite foods and a cake as they all shared special memories and stories about her,” she says.

While she cautions participants to remember that it’s a peer group setting, not professional therapy, she adds forcefully, “I have always been a huge proponent of peer support, and this provides a level of this that other types of social media do not. It provides a safe, compassionate space for young and old alike.”

Connection Communities: A Unique Online Forum for Sharing Life’s Experiences

If you’re looking for emotional support, peer acceptance, and a sense of belonging, Connection Communities at 1-800-Flowers.com is a wonderful place to start. Our series “Strength of Community” explores the conversations that take place in this unique online forum.

The Connection Communities online forum allows people to engage with others experiencing similar life events.

Social media platforms certainly have their benefits. However, when you’re going through a rough patch and need a friendly ear, social media sites like Facebook and Twitter can be too public and unpredictable for your needs and comfort. Are you tired of lurkers, flamers, and the pressure to compete for popularity with endless “likes” and photos? Well, now there’s a place to simply share your interests and joys or pour your heart out, knowing you will get helpful, caring feedback from like-minded people.

1-800-Flowers.com has partnered with Wisdo, an online forum that’s a uniquely judgment-free zone. On the site, people come together to seek help and advice, share positive and negative life experiences, and form meaningful connections with others who have been in their shoes and can offer their personal experience and wisdom.

Everyone who accesses Connection Communities through 1-800-Flowers.com receives free access. Here, you can enter any of eight different communities including relationship advice, loneliness and expressing gratitude and share your life’s experiences, journeys and everyday ups and downs with others who have gone through or are going through similar situations.

Establishing an Online Forum for Community Connection

Boaz Gaon launched Wisdo in Israel in 2016 as an unprecedented “social health platform” where people could reach out to one another emotionally with specific shared interests, concerns, and problems, ranging from financial woes and loneliness to the death of a loved one.

Social health can be more important than the things you eat and whether you jog or not.

Boaz Gaon

Founder

Wisdo

“Social health can be more important than the things you eat and whether you jog or not,” Gaon says. “The people who surround us, especially as we are going through consequential life moments, are one of the most significant determining factors in our health and well-being. The people you need in those troubled moments are helpful individuals who can identify with you.”

That, he says, is what Wisdo provides — a real, knowledgeable community to help you through your problems, with no trolling, no bullying, no offensive comments allowed. “We’ve showed that contrary to other social networks, we actually help people feel better about who they are, where they are, and where they can get to,” Gaon says.

Partnership with 1-800-Flowers.com

When Wisdo launched in 2016, it received a massive public response in Israel. By 2018, it had won the Best Practices for Social Health Award and was the No. 1 app for social impact on Google Play. It had expanded to six other countries, including the U.S., U.K., and Canada. It’s attracted more than two million members.

We are here to help people express themselves and connect to the important people in their lives.

Jim McCann

Founder and Chairman

1-800-Flowers.com

When Wisdo reached the U.S., 1-800-Flowers.com took notice. Founder and Chairman Jim McCann, director Adam Hanft, and others recognized Wisdo’s raison d’être was very much in sync with their company’s — providing encouragement and support for people through life’s major events and daily travails. So McCann’s and Gaon’s teams partnered, ultimately creating the Connections Communities online forum at 1-800-Flowers.com.

“We are working with Wisdo because we share a common mission,” McCann says, recalling the shared community of his first flower shop more than 40 years ago. Today the company has grown to be a community of millions of people, but its goal is the same. “We are here to help people express themselves and connect to the important people in their lives,” he says. “Wisdo creates communities that make that possible.”

How to access the Connection Communities online forum

From the Connections Communities homepage, you’ll find tabs for eight Wisdo communities:

Coping with Loss
Loneliness
Motherhood
Relationship Advice
Caregiving
Increasing Happiness
Expressing Gratitude
LBGTQ+

Click on the community of your choice, and you’ll find a brief list of questions covering the typical experiences someone in that community will have gone through. Answer “Been There,” “There now,” or “Both” to each question that pertains to you, and that creates a profile of you that others can review to get an understanding of your perspective and background.

After that, you can immediately enter that community and join conversations that resonate with your current or past experiences. You can also introduce yourself and start your own conversation.

People may offer support, give you suggestions, or identify with you and tell you their own stories. Wisdo has enlisted various “life coaches” — professionals who may add their two cents to the conversations when they believe it can help or will invite you to special directed sessions with fewer people.

Leveraging the experience of others

There are also regular members who have benefited so much from and contributed so much to the groups that they now have monikers like “mentor,” “guide,” and “helper” by their name. They bring their depth of personal knowledge to the mix. There’s even a “Mama Bear” who will introduce herself early on and can guide you when you need special assistance. In other words, you will find many layers of support.

“I have been an active member of the communities for the past four years, and I have found that connecting with others going through the same thing as me has been incredibly helpful,” says Annmarie Giannino-Otis, community director of the Wisdo Communities. “Just click on the tab of your choice, and you can instantly become part of the conversation, experiencing the power of belonging. We are excited about this partnership with Wisdo and can’t wait for you to make it part of your life.”

7 Ways to Practice Mindfulness on Summer Vacation

The series “Summer Living” offers helpful tips and inspiring stories for making the most of the all-too-short season. A summer vacation should be relaxing, not make you feel anxious. Follow our experts’ suggestions to practice mindfulness so you can enjoy every moment of your time away.

Most people follow one of two strategies on summer vacation. The first has them running around trying to hit all the recommended activities before each day runs out, leaving them exhausted. The second is an attempt at total relaxation — perhaps plotzing in a beach chair and moving as few muscles as possible, except for lifting a piña colada to their mouth. This second option often ends in a stupor.

There is, however, a better alternative: a vacation where you practice mindfulness. Practitioners say it leaves you feeling alive, aware, and energized, but also calm and relaxed. And when practicing mindfulness on vacation, you never need to stow it underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin.

The meaning of mindfulness

The classic definition of mindfulness is “being aware and open in the present moment, without judgment,” says Dina Kaplan, founder and CEO of The Path, an organization that teaches meditation internationally. “By ‘aware,’ we mean aware of what’s going on in our mind and in our surroundings, moment to moment.”

The point is “to channel your best self to manifest the life you desire,” adds certified health administrator and registered yoga teacher Brielle Merchant. “You check in with yourself, assess how you’re feeling in the moment, and ask yourself, ‘How would the best version of me feel in this moment?’ Then you find ways to tap into that,” she explains.

So the next time you get away, practice these seven mindfulness techniques and enjoy the most vivid, satisfying summer vacation you’ve ever experienced.

1. Come back to your breath

“Our brains are wired to swirl in thought,” Dina says. These thoughts can be negative, “like a bad movie we never ordered playing over and over.” Buddhists call this “the monkey mind.” But mindfulness helps you find an anchor to bring your attention to something real in the present moment and to pull away from negative scripted thoughts.

“The breath is an anchor that’s always there for us. When we focus on our breath, that brings us back to the present moment,” Dina adds.

Dina also recommends anchoring onto something real around you: If you’re on a street in New Orleans, for example, look up at one of the beautiful balconies. “With that, you realize the swirling is just your inner world, and there’s this outer world that is beautiful and safe.”

2. Turn your phone off

By not checking your phone for a few hours, you can really be present with whatever you’re doing throughout your summer vacation, Dina says. If you’re at a museum, allow your full focus to be on the beauty of the art. At the beach? Enjoy feeling the sand under your toes, the temperature and sensations of the water on your ankles. The entertainment is all around you, and unlike your phone, you can’t take it home with you.

Mindfulness helps us gain the freedom to focus in the present moment on things that are delightful and help us live more at ease.

Dina Kaplan

CEO & Founder

The Path

3. Forget the guidebook — be spontaneous, follow your intuition

Coming out of the pandemic, guidebooks are out of date anyway, Dina points out. “So be open to finding something that will be in the next guidebook. “Walk around with your eyes open. Rather than being stressed about getting to everything on your packed schedule, be open to detours and side trips — you may find a great new place that opened last month. To be even more in the moment, give yourself 20 minutes to an hour just to wander, following your intuition. “Keep an eye out for interesting stores, bars and restaurants, and if something looks charming, try it.”

4. Build flexibility into your schedule for relaxed playtime

“We’re humans, humans are animals, and animals are meant to be playful,” Dina says. “I was looking at bears on our vacation in Alaska, and they were just rolling on the ground playing.” Give yourself time to be playful and to do whatever you want (though rolling around with bears is not recommended…).

5. Be open to meeting new people

Mindfulness is about being open to yourself and others, so don’t be afraid to make eye contact, share a smile, and ask for directions or about interesting things to do. Strike up a conversation. “I’ve met some of my best friends in very unexpected ways on vacation,” Dina says. If you chat with the person behind you in line, you might get invited to someone’s house, or simply gain deeper insights into that city.

Channel your best self to manifest the life you desire.

Brielle Merchant

Certified health administrator and registered yoga teacher

Well with Brielle

6. Take a walk in the woods

a photo of summer vacation with a couple taking a hike

You’d be surprised how much is going on in nature that we normally miss. It’s a feast for the senses. When you’re walking in the woods, pay attention to all of your senses. “Be totally present during the walk, immersing yourself in nature,” Brielle explains. “Notice what you see, what you hear, what you smell; notice how fast or slow you’re walking. It will increase your energy, boost your mood, and stimulate your creative thinking.”

7. Practice noting

Dina recommends an intense version of this mindful walk called “noting.” “Every few seconds, think ‘What sense is most present for me now?'” Walk a few steps, and note all the beautiful colors around you. Walk a few more, and hear birds singing. Walk a few more, and note how you feel connected or lonely, joyous or sad. “Realize if you’re having thoughts you don’t want to have, once you label them, they just swoop away.”

“Mindfulness,” Dina concludes, “helps us gain the freedom to focus in the present moment on things that are delightful and help us live more at ease.” Now, go get packing!