Coping with Loss Archives

The Importance of Remembrance: Why Funerals, Memorials, and Monuments Matter

Remembrance is a central part of life and a ritual that unites us, regardless of beliefs, religion, social status, or location on the planet.

On a personal level, we remember the lost lives of family and friends through funeral services and memorials. As a community, we honor soldiers who gave their lives in war, and, more recently, we remember the victims of the 9/11 attacks.

We don’t want to forget the past and what happened — we want to tell the story to the next generation.

Dr. Bill Hoy

Professor

Baylor University

Why are we driven to remember? And why does remembrance hold such power? Do we, as individuals and communities, remember lives lost or tragic events in radically different ways?

Dr. Bill Hoy, a clinical professor of medical humanities at Baylor University in Texas, is uniquely qualified to answer. He is one of a dozen or so people worldwide who has both clinical experience with patients and a background in the history of remembrance. Hoy, who also holds a doctorate of ministry, is a nationally recognized counselor and educator in bereavement, grief, and end of life, and he currently teaches medical students how to work with and help people facing death or loss.

“What is common is more than what’s different over history,” says Hoy, author of Do Funerals Matter? The Purposes and Practices of Death Rituals in Global Perspective. “I researched 145 distinctive people groups, both contemporary and historical, and what emerged was not only broad diversity but this incredible similarity.”

importance of remembrance with woman holding a collection of poppies.

Themes that unite us throughout history

Hoy points to five anchors, or themes, to which people have consistently adhered throughout history.

The first is what he calls the “presence of ‘significant symbols.'”

“Flowers are an extraordinary example of these,” Hoy says. “My colleagues found that 20,000 to 60,000 years ago vegetation was arranged in symbolic patterns, such as around the head. This was the perfect purposeful placing of flora in the grave. We also found shell jewelry of ancient people in France from 20,000 years ago, and Earth, water, fire, and air symbols are about as old as time itself.”

Hoy says that although the symbols may change over the years, modern-day people simply put their own personal touches on the ritual. “Instead of telling stories about the loved one around a fire, we now show a video or montage of photos and light a candle.”

Ritual can be an enormously helpful vehicle for making sense, giving and receiving support, and putting a face and experience on something so difficult and helping us realize we are not alone.

Jennifer Egert, Ph.D.

Clinical Psychologist

Jennifer Egert, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in New York City, agrees. “Many of the remembrances that happen today are in the form of a memorial social media page, or on a funeral home website, or a museum or historical society website,” she says.

“These can be powerful ways to remember, especially when people have the opportunity to connect with others online,” Egert continues. “Although we might miss the touch, a hug, a physical presence of someone next to you, online remembrances offer a whole world of connecting with others virtually when in person is not possible.”

The strength of community

Egert points to community gatherings, the second anchor, as a powerful way to process grief. “It can be really hard to understand and make sense of the complex thoughts and feelings that come with loss and grief,” she says. “This can make us feel very alone, confused, and as if no one else really understands. Ritual can be an enormously helpful vehicle for making sense, giving and receiving support, and putting a face and experience on something so difficult and helping us realize we are not alone.”

“Ritual action” is the third anchor. “I say it like this: ‘We walk out what we can’t talk out,'” Hoy says. “People carry the casket, and they join in a funeral procession. Here where I am in the Deep South, as soon as word goes out that someone has died, the ‘casserole caravan’ comes into action! The act of making and bringing food is important, especially when people don’t have the words.”

“Rituals are important ways in which communities come together in the face of loss, tragedy,” Egert says. “There is a solidarity in sharing these moments, knowing you are not alone, being physically with others, sharing grief, receiving comfort and offering it. They can also offer a clear structure to help people express and share difficult feelings, thoughts, and questions.”

Adding a personal twist to traditions

“Connection to culture and heritage” is another common thread over the ages. Hoy explains that even though we may think we are creating a new way of remembering, we’re simply putting our own personal twist on traditions from our culture and heritage.

importance of remembrance with elderly woman looking through photos of deceased friends.

“We didn’t reinvent them in every generation,” he says. “Say a family (who recently lost a loved one) isn’t affiliated with religion; they decide to have the ceremony in a gathering room at their country club for family and friends, and they light a candle and display photographs of the person who died. This is not new: We’ve been doing this for at least 60,000 years, lighting a candle or a fire and using pictures, such as the hieroglyphs on cave walls.”

The final anchor is “transition of the corpse.” Says Hoy: “Throughout history, people have not been left where they died; they have been moved and taken care of.” He describes a range of ceremonies under the transition umbrella, such as a Tibetan sky burial, in which the community carries the corpse to the highest point, where the carrion birds can claim the body. “There were pyramids and mausoleums in Egypt,” he says. “Today, we have cemeteries and natural burial grounds. Now a Cambodian family body will be cremated, and the eldest son starts the cremation process by pushing the start button.”

The importance of remembrance as a community

Many local and national memorials incorporate several of the anchors Hoy defined.

“Erecting a statue or building a monument is a ritual and an action. We do something,” he explains. “We don’t want to forget the past and what happened — we want to tell the story to the next generation.”

Importance of remembrance with Floral Heart in NYC

Hoy says he loves visiting museums and memorials in Washington, D.C., and watching families and school trips talking about what a particular monument represents. “I saunter up behind them and listen,” he says. “Museums and monuments and memorials give us a way to tell a story, and it’s an emotionally safe way to hold an emotion.”

“A visual gesture, such as candle lighting, laying of a wreath, parades — these provide clear, participatory experiences that often represent distant events and, in doing so, help us connect to these past events in the present moment,” Egert explains.

The power of monuments and memorials

Secular monuments can be particularly helpful for people who don’t have a religious background, Hoy notes. “Religions have sacred writings and practices, and in the absence of religious commitment, monuments help us pass down the story, as well as our values of compassion, forgiveness, and courage.”

importance of remembrance with 9/11 memorial

One such monument that he found himself reluctant to visit was the 9/11 Memorial in Manhattan. He thought it might trigger awful memories of the attack, but, in fact, he found it calming and compelling. “It didn’t rekindle the trauma of the day, but it took me right back to that morning.”

He felt that visiting the Pennsylvania site of the Flight 93 crash from that day was equally powerful. The large area of land around the impact site was particularly moving. He said he grew up being taught never to walk on a grave, and he was touched that the crash site was left as sacred land. Everything at the crash site is symbolic, he says. “The whole memorial was very deliberately designed, and everything has meaning to it.”

A memorable final tribute

One particular tribute he witnessed has always held a special place in Hoy’s heart. Surprisingly, while it was deeply personal, it played out very much in public.

“I was working with hospice patients in Los Angeles,” he says. “There was a young man of about 30 who was dying. I heard him say that he wanted to be cremated and his ashes packed into firework shells so there could be a firework display in his honor.

“This was done, and a 20-minute firework extravaganza was set off from a barge in the Pacific Ocean as his friends lined the Santa Monica Pier and his family watched from a boat. At a memorial service a couple of days later, there was a slideshow of his life, and the last dozen slides were stills of the most spectacular fireworks!”

Perhaps that’s a fitting way to go — leaving the world in an exhilarating blaze of light and color, shooting into the heavens in a crazy, joyous way.

Honor the memory of a loved one who has passed with a beautiful remembrance or sympathy gift. From candles and plaques to keepsakes and more, these heartfelt gestures offer comfort and support to family and friends while providing cherished memories for years to come.

How to Write an Obituary

Writing an obituary can be an overwhelming task during an already difficult time —especially if you’ve never written one. Even if you have, you may feel pressure to come up with the words that perfectly encapsulate the spirit of the person who has recently passed.

This is the final word on a person’s life. You want it done right.

jane lerner

Owner, Lives Lived

An obituary needs to, at minimum, communicate the death of a loved one and announce information about the funeral and visitation services. But it also can tell the story of the deceased in a way that allows family and friends to honor their life.

“A well-written obituary is a short story about a person’s life, a story as rich and interesting as the person it describes,” says Jane Lerner, owner of Lives Lived, a professional obituary writing service. “The story should capture the essence of an individual — joys, sorrows, triumphs, and milestones. A good obituary should illustrate how much the person meant to others.”

An obituary is different than a eulogy. A eulogy is a speech given at the wake or funeral in praise of the deceased; an obituary appears in print or online and serves as an announcement of a person’s death as well as provides a few important details about his or her life and accomplishments.

Before you write an obituary

The first thing you should do before sitting down and writing an obituary is collecting facts about the deceased. Lerner says to ask the people who knew the deceased best, including their spouse, siblings, children, and friends. “I find when interviewing people to get information for the obituary that the spouse — if there is one — is usually the best source,” Lerner says. “Often, families will designate one child as the source for information. Others in the family will feed memories to the designated person, who will use them to craft the obituary.”

how to write an obituary with a middle-aged son talking to his uncle

How to start an obituary

The traditional way to start an obituary is with a basic announcement of your loved one’s death. For example: “Gary Robinson died May 23, 2022, at his home in Glendale, Arizona. He was 87 years old.”

But you can also be creative. Lerner suggests starting with an anecdote, such as the example below, to help bring the person to life.

“As a young man growing up in a modest Cleveland family, Gary Robinson knew he had to rely on his own abilities to get ahead. He muscled his way into a wrestling scholarship at Ohio State University, where he was captain of the team and studied finance. That experience, along with his hard work and tenacious drive, helped him launch a distinguished business career and made him a role model for others in his field.”

What to include in an obituary

how to write an obituary with a pensive-looking woman sitting at home on her couch

In addition to an announcement of death, all obituaries should include a few main parts:

Basic details (full name, age, birthday, place of birth) and biographical information about the deceased
Names of family members (both living and deceased), starting with the closest relatives (spouse, children, children’s spouses), and then listing additional family (parents, grandparents, grandchildren, siblings, etc.) in order of birth.
Funeral information

Below are examples of each section of an obituary.

Basic details and biographical information

Caleb Romano, age 78, passed away peacefully on Thursday, June 2, in his Hollywood, Florida, home. Caleb was born on February 27, 1944, to Joseph and Isabella (Rossi) Romano, in Pembroke Park, Florida. He was a 1966 graduate of the University of South Carolina, where he studied education. On May 11, 1969, he married Martina Amato at Grace Fellowship Church in West Palm Beach. He was a professor at DeVry University for 40 years, where he was respected by students and staff for his knowledge and sense of humor.

Names of family members

Caleb is survived by his wife, Martina; his son, Nicholas; his daughter, Mia; his brothers, Lucas and Marco; and many nieces, nephews, and cousins. He was preceded in death by his parents and sister.

Funeral information

Family, friends, and others whose lives Caleb touched are invited to the Landmark Funeral Home at 4200 Hollywood Boulevard in Hollywood, Florida, from 4–7 p.m. on Thursday, June 9, 2022, to reminisce, grieve, and support each other.

how to write an obituary with a couple grieving at a funeral

Because an obituary serves as a historical document, consider including details that could be helpful for future generations, such as maiden names and place of death. “Obituaries often become treasured documents handed down through the generations,” Lerner says.

What not to include in an obituary

Writing an obituary is an emotional experience, and most families prefer to paint the most positive picture possible of the deceased. For that reason, it’s best to leave any unfortunate circumstances or issues in the deceased’s life out of the obituary.

“I advise people to take the high road,” Lerner says. If there’s an estranged sibling, for example, mention that person as a survivor.” Another tip from Lerner is not to make any political statements in an obituary. Years from now, someone reading it will probably not understand the reference.

“Be sensitive about other thorny issues that arise in families,” Lerner says. “An obituary is no place for family squabbles.”

If you were particularly close to the person about whom you are writing the obituary, the task might be too much for you to bear. In that instance, Lerner suggests hiring a professional obituary writer to help you. “Remember, this is the final word on a person’s life,” she says. “You want it done right.”

Publishing your obituary

Lerner says an obituary should be available in print or online as soon after the death as possible. “Most funeral homes and crematoriums have websites where you can publish the obituary at no additional cost,” Lerner says. From there, you can copy the link and share it via email or social media.

An obituary is a heartfelt way to remember someone who played an important role in your life and the lives of others. More than simply a death announcement, it’s an opportunity to recount a loved one’s life story while bringing comfort to those who will keep them alive in their hearts.

8 Tips for Writing and Delivering a Eulogy

Writing and delivering a eulogy is a heartfelt way to say farewell to a loved one who has died. The purpose of this type of speech is to capture the essence of the deceased by highlighting the positives of their life. Although the task often arrives suddenly and during a time of mourning, you don’t have to be a great writer or public speaker to deliver a meaningful speech.

Since a eulogy is meant to bring comfort to those who are grieving, it’s important to know your audience. When writing a eulogy, be sure to take into consideration what the deceased would have wanted, as the focus is on the life they lived.

“A great eulogy always comes from the heart,” says Ralph DiBiasio-Snyder, a staff writer with The Eulogy Writers. “It is simply words of tribute, thanks, and celebration spoken with love and sincerity.” DiBiasio-Snyder says sharing stories about the deceased that illustrate a particular talent, virtue, or characteristic of theirs can be comforting.

Because writing and delivering a eulogy can be challenging, we’ve put together eight tips to help you feel comfortable while easing the pain of those who are grieving.

1. Do your research

Before writing your eulogy, it’s important to pin down specific dates and other information that was central to the life of the person you’re eulogizing. Knowing how many years the deceased spent working for a certain company, the names of family members, the town in which they grew up, and what their favorite hobbies were could be helpful as you craft your eulogy.

2. Decide on tone and style

One way to honor the deceased is to match the tone and style of your eulogy to their spirit. Depending on the circumstances surrounding their passing and their personality, it may be appropriate to add some lighter moments to your eulogy. Sharing stories that make family and friends smile while recalling the deceased can help ease their pain.

“Remember your audience,” says Aubrey Bauer, eulogy writer and owner of Eulogies by Aubrey. “If you will be speaking to mostly elderly people and your loved one was religious and conservative, perhaps keep a reverent tone and the funny anecdotes to a minimum. If your loved one was happy-go-lucky, used swear words on the daily, and had a good time as often as possible, your audience would probably appreciate a more lighthearted, humorous speech.”

“The beauty of eulogies is that they are 100% customizable.

Aubrey Bauer

Eulogy writer and owner of Eulogies by Aubrey

3. Make an outline

Once you have some ideas, organize them into an outline. DiBiasio-Snyder says it’s important to begin by thanking the people in attendance for their support and for joining in a celebration of life. You should also emphasize the positive qualities of the deceased in your introduction.

To paint a picture of how your loved one lived their life, include anecdotes or share details about their daily routines in the body of your eulogy. Concluding with an uplifting message, such as “Here’s to a life spent bringing happiness and laughter to others,” may provide comfort to the assembled friends and family.

In all, Bauer says, a typical eulogy is about 1,000 words long.

4. Get feedback on what you’ve written

Once your eulogy is written, find someone you trust who also knew the deceased well and have them review it. They may have ideas you can add to make it even more heartfelt and comforting to you and your audience. Because writing a eulogy can be an emotionally taxing experience, another person may also catch a mistake you didn’t notice when you were writing it.

Most importantly, keep in mind that there are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to writing a eulogy. “The beauty of eulogies is that they are 100% customizable,” Bauer says. Let the memory of your loved one and your knowledge of those who are in mourning be your guide.

5. Practice reciting your eulogy

eulogy with a woman speaking into a cell phone

It may feel awkward to practice a eulogy, but doing so is important as it ensures your speech will be a fitting tribute to your loved one. Practicing your eulogy in front of a mirror, family member, or friend until you get it right can help you feel comfortable and prepared. You can also record yourself on your phone and play it back to hear how you sound. A good eulogy sounds natural, and to achieve that, you must be comfortable with your speech.

6. Speak slowly

When delivering your eulogy, remember to pace yourself. Don’t think of it as a formal speech; speak as you would as if you were talking to your closest friends, from your heart.

A typical eulogy should take between six and eight minutes to read, Bauer says.

7. Make eye contact

While speaking, make sure to occasionally make eye contact with your audience. This will help your eulogy seem more like a conversation. However, if you start to get emotional while looking at others, come back to your written notes.

8. Be yourself

Instead of trying to make your eulogy sound perfect, focus on being yourself. What matters most is expressing what the deceased meant to you and what you want to remember about them.

Overall, your eulogy should be a brief overview of your loved one’s life, focusing on what made them special. Accomplishments and memorable stories should be shared, with the goal being to bring comfort to your audience.

Sample eulogies

Below are two examples of eulogies, one for a parent, the other for a friend. Keep in mind these versions are condensed, but they still contain the same themes and sentiments you would find in a full-length eulogy.

Eulogy example No. 1:

My father lived a life based on doing whatever he could to make a positive impact on others. While raising two children and working 35 years as a teacher in the Tropical Hills school district, he always put aside his own needs to help others.

Dad liked to say during moments of adversity that we should move forward fearlessly. I first remember him telling me that when I was learning to ride my bike without training wheels. I told him not to let go, worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep my balance. After his words inspired me, I discovered that I was wrong. Years later, before I left for college, he reminded me again of those wise words.

In a difficult time like this, we must take an example from my father’s bravery as we try to move forward without someone we loved so much. At the same time, we should find comfort in the many years of memories we were given through the time we spent with him, including a lifetime of laughs, smiles, and stories.

Although we all gather today to mourn my father, he’ll never truly leave us. We can still see him in the eyes of his grandchildren, in the lives he impacted while teaching, and in our hearts and memories. May we all move forward fearlessly even as we mourn the loss of a great man.

eulogy with person giving a eulogy at a funeral

Eulogy example No. 2:

Hello.

Thank you all so much for being here today. Stephanie was my best friend for 42 years. Living these past few days without her infectious personality hasn’t been easy. She was the most fearless person I knew, and I looked up to her for that. Whether she was going on one of her hiking adventures or running her business from a boat, she was always an inspiration. Although the past few months have been heartbreaking, I know her spirit lives on in all our hearts and memories.

I believe it’s best to remember Stephanie as she truly was: a fast-talking, smiling, generous soul who always made time to help others. An amazing friend who would binge on ice cream with you after a tough breakup or be there with you to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. It’s easy to dwell on the fact that Stephanie has left us too soon, but I’d prefer to remember all the wonderful times we all got to share with her while she was here.

Stephanie will be remembered not only as a terrific artist and a vibrant individual but also as a dependable mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I know it’s impossible to not feel deep grief during this time, but I think we all can also say that Stephanie would want us to pick ourselves up, find the things that inspire us, and make a real difference in the world. That’s what she did, and the best way we can honor her is to do the same.

Coping with a Public Tragedy: 4 Ways to Process Collective Grief

“Grief is a living, breathing, dynamic thing that takes on different forms,” says Rebecca Soffer, co-founder of Modern Loss. Collective grief is one such form, and it is one that many Americans are all too familiar with.

“We’re all experiencing collective grief from navigating the third year of this pandemic and having so many things in our lives change,” Soffer says. Collective grief also stems from events like mass shootings and other violent acts, the death of a celebrity, and natural disasters.

All of it can feel incredibly overwhelming, Soffer admits, but there are ways to work through it. It starts with understanding what collective grief feels like and then learning how to process it in a helpful and productive way.

“If it feels like grief to you, it probably is. These are real feelings that deserve validation.

Rebecca Soffer

Co-founder, Modern Loss

What does collective grief feel like?

After a public tragedy, intense feelings of shock, sadness, anger, frustration, and helplessness may follow. Soffer explains that even if we don’t know the people affected, we can still imagine the grief their families and communities must feel.

“With the recent school shootings, for example, we’re imagining what the children went through and what their teachers went through, and it’s just this awful feeling of loss,” she says.

Past feelings of personal grief can also resurface with public tragedies. If someone has lost a loved one to a violent act, it’s not uncommon for that person to experience those initial feelings all over again when a similar event occurs. Here, both individual and collective grief can coexist.

Photo of public tragedy with woman comforting a friend

Even if it feels difficult to pinpoint exact emotions in the moment, Soffer offers a gentle reminder.

“If it feels like grief to you, it probably is,” she says. “These are real feelings that deserve validation.”

Suggestions for processing collective grief

Processing collective grief first starts with recognizing what we are feeling, Soffer says. If we can recognize it, we can start to manage it. Here are her four recommendations.

1. Take control of your newsfeed

During a public tragedy, we often turn to the news for information. But there comes a point when the news intake can become too much, Soffer explains.

“We feel like we need to be privy to all the updates, but the truth is, if we’re feeling like it’s having an adverse reaction — like with our mental health, our bodies — then we need to listen to that and cut back on it,” she says.

Soffer recommends limiting the number of news checks to once or twice a day and ensuring we are getting our information from a trustworthy source. After that, it’s time to step back. And for anyone who feels guilty for curbing their news intake, Soffer is quick to dispel any of those feelings: “It doesn’t mean you don’t care — it just means you’re taking care of yourself.”

2. Channel feelings into action

Photo of public tragedy with a woman making a donation online

When a sense of helplessness follows in the wake of a public tragedy, it can be useful to channel those feelings into action.

Soffer encourages those who are grieving to see where they can get involved, if that’s something that feels right for them. Perhaps that means attending a march or donating to a cause, or finding ways to get involved at the local or national level.

“Sometimes feeling like you’re an active part of something can make you feel like you have a tiny bit of control in a situation that feels very uncontrollable,” Soffer explains.

3. Bring it back to now

During periods of collective grief, we may experience moments when we feel like our thoughts are spiraling out of control or we’re going through a physical change (e.g., rapid heart rate, trouble concentrating). When this happens, Soffer suggests trying a few grounding techniques that can help bring us back to the present moment.

While these may look different to different people, meditation, drawing, or spending time in nature are good places to start. Soffer’s latest book, The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience, offers interactive guides for working through feelings of grief.

Photo of public tragedy with a woman walking through a forest

She also recommends the popular 5-4-3-2-1 technique. This helpful practice encourages a person to use their five senses to make them aware of their surroundings, thereby calming anxious or increasingly worrisome thoughts.

“The more you try out different techniques, the more you have — like a toolbox that you can go to with a lot of little tools in it that you can use,” Soffer says.

4. Seek support

Even when we’re collectively experiencing the same event, grief can still feel incredibly isolating, Soffer explains. Having the right support system in place — whether that’s a licensed professional or simply a friend or family member you can talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed — can help.

Online communities for grief, such as private peer-to-peer support groups, are also widely available. Joining or creating a space where you can share stories, give suggestions for coping mechanisms, and generally assure one another that you’re not alone can bring heaps of comfort, and is something Soffer highly recommends doing.

Community is the salve we need, especially in times of collective grief, Soffer says. Being part of something greater than us, and knowing we are not alone in experiencing these feelings, provides us with a certain sense of comfort during an otherwise isolating time.

“That’s a really powerful thing,” Soffer says.