Light After Loss Archives

How to Cultivate Self-Compassion

When you’re grieving, every day feels like National Grief Awareness Day. But did you know the United States actually has such a designated day? It’s on Aug. 30 and was established in 2014 by Angie Cartwright, who had experienced enormous grief stemming from the loss of her baby sister, newlywed husband, and mother. The day’s mission is to encourage open and honest communication about the various ways in which we cope with loss and bereavement, and to remind us all to support those we know who are grieving.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with mindfulness coach Annie Pearson about the importance of self-awareness and self-compassion in grief, along with some easy-to-do grounding exercises.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Why is it important to create an ongoing sense of awareness about our grief?

Once we are aware of how we are feeling — and it’s important to check in with yourself on a regular basis — we can start to give ourselves what we need to move through a difficult moment in the best way possible. If we ignore these feelings or what our body is telling us, this feeling won’t go away by just pretending it’s not there. Some of this has to do with allowing ourselves to be uncomfortable, but difficult things will seem more manageable once we name them out loud. (A tip from Pearson: The phrase “Name it to tame it” works for her!)

How do we deal with ‘future worry’?

It’s natural to spend time ruminating about what happened in the past or what might happen in the future, but it’s a lot more helpful to focus on what’s happening now. Mindfulness exercises are meant to help you ground yourself and be present in the moment. And the best part: They’re easy to learn and use anywhere.

3 exercises to help anchor ourselves in the moment

1. Belly breath (also called the “three-part breath”)

This exercise helps us expand our lungs and take in more breath.

Breathe in through your chest, rib cage, and belly. Pause, then breathe out through your belly, rib gate, and chest.

2. Focus on the sounds

This exercise is a great step for beginners who are nervous about trying meditation.

Instead of trying to meditate by ignoring the sounds around you, change your focus so that you start to really listen to those sounds. Begin with the sound that is farthest away and name it without judgment (a dog barking, street traffic, etc.). Continue listening to the sounds closer to you, naming and labeling them without judgment, until you get to the sounds of your own breath and heartbeat. Listen to and name everything. Then, open your eyes, listen again, and see what you notice.

3. Finger touch meditation

Repeat a chant or affirmation as you touch each finger to the thumb on its same hand (index finger touches thumb, middle finger touches thumb, etc.). For example, you can use “I am peaceful” or “I am OK.”

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

The Grieving Brain: Why Grief Is a Natural Reaction to Loss

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

Struggling deeply after loss is a perfectly natural thing. And questioning why we are struggling is also normal. But having an insight into the scientific perspective on this universal experience can make us realize that there’s nothing “wrong” with us for feeling like grief is hard.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about practical knowledge that can help us better understand what happens when we grieve and how to navigate loss with more ease and grace. She was joined by Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona. O’Connor directs the Grief, Loss and Social Stress Lab, which investigates the effects of grief on the brain and the body.

Light After Loss: The Grieving Brain and How We Learn From Love & Loss

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:

What is the difference between ‘grief’ and ‘grieving’?

Grief is the natural human reaction to loss; it’s all the feelings and reactions in a moment, the ferocious wave that knocks you off your feet. It feels awful in a way that you didn’t anticipate and potentially makes you think that you won’t get through it.

Grieving is the changing of your experience over time. After a while, the feelings may still be awful, but people can come to recognize the waves and know that as hard as they are to endure, they will probably get through them. In short, the feeling can be the same, but you can change your experience with that feeling over time.

We are each the expert on our own grief

There is no one right way to do grief. Of course, it can be helpful to seek out research and listen to grief “experts,” but it’s only necessary to take away what actually resonates with and helps us. At the end of the day, not everything that we read or see will relate to our own personal experience.

How does the brain handle grief?

Our brain is set up to expect that our loved ones will show up again. The brain is a prediction machine. If you’ve been with someone for a while, it’s not a good prediction that they won’t be there tomorrow, and it could take us a long time to get used to their absence after they die.

Grief is the natural human reaction to loss; it’s all the feelings and reactions in a moment, the ferocious wave that knocks you off your feet.

For example, when you say your morning goodbyes before heading to work, typically there’s no doubt in your mind that you will see that person again. The time and space of keeping track of our close loved ones is something that our brain devotes a lot of time and space to doing. In the unusual situation when a person dies, the brain’s answer is, “If they’re not here, go find them.”

It’s very hard for the brain to understand that there is no longer a map to get to that person. That’s why we can pick up the phone to call someone and remember afterward that they won’t answer. There’s no need to be hard on yourself for doing this; that’s just how the brain works. All of the habits we have continue to stick around for a very long time. This is how our brain learns what’s going on.

Neurologically, what happens with our emotions in grief?

All of the chemicals in our brain – dopamine, oxytocin, cortisol – are trying to motivate us to stay in touch with our loved ones. In daily life, this makes a lot of sense (you don’t want to forget to pick your daughter up from school). All of that neurochemistry is motivating and driving us to maintain our relationships, so all of the emotions – the guilt, grief, anger over the situation and at them – come about because that person is so important to us. That doesn’t change the first day after they die. We have to learn how to integrate that experience into our ongoing life.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversations about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How to Support Grieving Friends During the Holidays and Beyond

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

We can always do better when someone we care about is dealing with loss. And what better time to start talking about this than during the winter holiday season, a period laden with celebrations, twinkly lights, presents … and tough times.

A lot of people around us are struggling, even if they don’t look like it. At the very least, it’s a bittersweet time of year for many.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about practical ways in which we can support our friends, relatives, colleagues, and even neighbors who might be struggling during this season and beyond. She was joined by Mekel Harris, a psychologist who specializes in grief and loss-related trauma.

Navigating and Cultivating Friendship in the Wake of Loss

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:

Compassion = caring + action

You might care a lot, but that won’t make a difference until you pair it with action. And the action doesn’t have to be anything heroic; it can be as easy as checking someone’s mailbox or dropping off some food. Consider your relationship with the grieving person and the extent of your connection. Wherever you fall – be it a best friend, colleague, neighbor – there is always some small, tangible action that you can take. Figure out what that is and do it.

Pre-game your support before a celebration

If you know that a grieving person in your life will be at an event you’re attending, get in touch with them in advance. Make it clear that you can be a point person for anything they need. For example, come up with a signal or phrase that they can use if they’re having a tough time, or offer to leave with them at any moment, or step out for a breather together. Doing so creates a sense of accountability for you and makes them feel like they don’t have to “get through” it alone.

It’s OK to admit this stuff is uncomfortable

Grieving people are fully aware that their presence might be weird for many people around them, and many are nervous about being the “buzz kill” in any setting, especially a festive one. It’s OK to acknowledge to them out loud that the topic is awkward for you: Just naming the elephant in the room can be incredibly powerful.

Avoid doing the thoughtless thing that many of us think is thoughtful

The worst thing you can do is nothing at all. People need to be seen, heard, and validated, which is especially true in the face of loss. Witnessing grief is a powerful thing.

Sometimes we naturally try to avoid a topic that is upsetting to us – i.e., grief – because it makes us uncomfortable. We tell ourselves that we will just make the griever uncomfortable because we will be reminding them of something painful. But bringing up someone’s loss during a time of celebrations won’t trigger any particular memory for that person. On the contrary, the chances are overwhelming that they are already thinking about their loved one.

Go with this instead: “Hey, I see that this may be a hard time for you….” Without suggesting anything, this simple phrase opens the door to a conversation.

Keep trying

Nobody has grief figured out. It’s OK to learn along the way; you are not tasked with being the “end all, be all” in that person’s grief journey. And just because someone doesn’t want to accept your invitation to dinner or a holiday event one week doesn’t mean they will always decline. Keep at it and keep showing you care. The other person will always remember that you tried.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Ways to Support Yourself and Others Experiencing Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

An estimated 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. In the United States, nearly 25,000 babies are stillborn each year, and more than 20,000 infants die shortly after birth. Chances are, either you or someone you know has experienced one or all these traumatic losses.

And yet miscarriages and stillbirths are still known as the “silent sorrow.” In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss‘s Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about these excruciating and complicated losses. She was joined by Andrea Syrtash, founder of Pregnantish, a site dedicated to helping people navigate infertility and modern-family building.

As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, the discussion focused on how we can elevate the conversation about what so many families endure worldwide.

Light After Loss: Destigmatizing the 'Silent Sorrow'

Here are some key takeaways:

Why do we do such a poor job of talking about these types of losses in our culture?

Pregnancy and infant loss have been, unfortunately, viewed as a taboo for much of history. In many parts of the world, women are seen in a different light when they have trouble procreating (though 50% of fertility cases are male factors). And so the shame associated with these types of losses can run deep (“What’s wrong with me? “Why isn’t my body working as it should?”)

Yet even the most seemingly perfect-looking family can have its own painful history. The more we start talking about our experiences, the more we can destigmatize the shame that still surrounds them.

Acknowledgment is integral when it comes to emotionally healing from a pregnancy or infant loss.

Many of us tend to distract ourselves with other thoughts because imagining the details of a pregnancy or infant-related loss is so painful. But just because we ignore someone else’s reality, it doesn’t mean they aren’t living it every single day. When we shy away from acknowledging this specific type of loss, we can make someone feel invisible.

How can you make someone feel acknowledged in their loss?

Photo of a woman who recently experienced a pregnancy loss

First, the don’ts: Besides complete silence, there are three words you should avoid when talking to someone suffering a pregnancy or infant loss: “Just,” “should,” and “at least.” Such statements – “At least you got pregnant,” “You should just adopt,” “and “Just think positively,” to name a few examples – only serve to minimize experiences. (And a note on telling someone to think positively: Keep in mind that people in war-torn countries deliver healthy babies every day in a stressed state. Positive thinking can only go so far.) Remember, unsolicited advice should not be your first step.

Now, the dos: The best thing to “say” to someone is to actually listen. Beyond that, feel like you can ask them how they are doing or how you can specifically be helpful during any given moment. Do they need help cleaning their house? Entertaining another child? Help with meals? And just meeting them where they are is powerful: “I’m sorry, that must be so hard” and “I am so sorry this happened to you” can go very far, as can asking someone what their baby’s name is, or what they were thinking of naming them. These children were likely very much alive in a parent’s mind and heart no matter when or how the loss took place. Offer a space where they can talk about them.

There are no Grief Olympics. If it’s hard for you, it’s a valid experience.

Sometimes people get caught up in comparing their grief experiences with those of others (“I’ve only had one miscarriage, but they had a stillbirth”). But heartache is heartache, and this is a defining moment in your life that is worthy of being acknowledged as a deep loss. The grief you are feeling is necessary.

Ways to find community surrounding this specific type of loss.

It always helps to have a few people on your list for when you really need to talk, vent, ask questions, or just lose it for a few minutes.

Social media can be overwhelming, but when it comes to pregnancy and infant loss, it can be a powerful community builder. Hashtags like #miscarriageawareness, #pregnancylossawareness, and #infantlossawareness bring people together to mourn, share, grieve and also access information. There are a lot of questions after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. You may not fully understand why you miscarried or why your baby died.

Beyond the digital realm, it always helps to have a few people on your list for when you really need to talk, vent, ask questions, or just lose it for a few minutes. And oftentimes, they aren’t the obvious ones, such as your best friend. The opportunity for connection with other people who come out of the woodwork for you is vast: a friend of a friend who also had a miscarriage, a clergy person you happened to have a meaningful and helpful conversation with, etc. Once you know you have a few people you can rely on, you don’t need every single person to understand what you’re going through, because you will feel less alone and acknowledged.

Remember that ‘unmet love’ or ‘briefly met love’ is still love.

Just because you never met your baby, or only got to hold them after they were stillborn, or briefly got to know them after they were born, that relationship is still a relationship. You can still love someone that you didn’t fully know, and that’s worthy of respect. Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How to Comfort a Friend with a Terminal Illness

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss. In this article, she discusses how to comfort a friend after the diagnosis of a terminal illness.

A good friend has received a terminal diagnosis. Amid your devastation — and, moreover, theirs — it’s completely normal to fear saying or doing the wrong thing. In fact, there’s nothing easy about any of this. There are, however, ways to show up for your friend with care and with comfort. They may require strengthening your empathy muscles — those ones that enable you to forge positive and meaningful bonds with others. Here are a few ways to get you started.

Practice active listening

Photo of a woman comforting a friend who has received a terminal illness diagnosis

It’s tempting to twist your fears into a litany of reassurances. You might want to tell your friend that they are going to beat the odds. Or that scientists are going to find a cure before it’s too late. Resist the urge to prattle on with a message of positivity. Instead, listen to their disbelief, their terror, their wishes. Listen to their silence without rushing to fill it. Being an “active listener” means largely ceding the floor to the other person, curbing interruptions (be they digital notifications or just the desire to jump in), and reflecting their words back to them. There is great comfort in being heard.

But say something

Yes, we just got done telling you to prioritize listening over speaking in these situations. And we know saying nothing is easier than a conversation acknowledging that death is imminent. But saying nothing can be “selfish,” the writer Magnolia Ripkin, who is living with lung cancer, has written. “Better to be too loving than slink away into your own fear of saying the wrong thing,” she said. So speak from the heart in a way that honors your relationship and its boundaries. “I love you,” you might say to a friend (but not a boss). Or: “Whatever you are feeling is ok.”

Don’t assume he shares your beliefs or faith traditions

You may believe that prayer has the power to heal. You may believe in an afterlife that is better than this life. But not everyone does. Before you vocalize these views, it’s important to remember that your friend may not share them. Or maybe they share them, but don’t find them particularly comforting, given the circumstances. Because they are both enduring chemo and hoping to last long enough to see their daughter graduate from high school. So don’t superimpose your beliefs onto anyone else’s, and don’t pretend to know what role, if any, faith — or the lack thereof — is playing in your friend’s life right now.

Photo of two women comforting each other after one has received a diagnosis of a terminal illness

Forget ‘I can’t imagine’ and try to imagine

This phrase is one of those irksome things people say to a person who is facing down something tough. It’s rarely said out of malice, but here’s why it’s unhelpful: It creates a distance between the person who is saying it and the person who is hearing it. When we “can’t imagine,” we telegraph invulnerability at a moment when the other person is feeling more vulnerable than ever; when we try to imagine, we attempt to understand someone else’s reality — and in so doing we build our empathy muscles (not just our sympathy ones).

Remember: People with a terminal illness are still living

It might sound obvious, but it’s something we too often forget. A person’s terminal illness diagnosis doesn’t supplant her personality. Their sense of humor doesn’t go away, and neither does their potential. Don’t deny your friend the agency he does have, even amid their physical decline. In addition to sitting with them through though dark moods and outbursts, it’s ok to talk to them about things other than their illness — pop culture, politics, or parenting, for example — just as you always did. In fact, it’s more than ok: Providing the space to engage with the mundane can be a huge relief.

This article was authored by Modern Loss, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. Learn more at modernloss.com and the book Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome.

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7 Mindful Ways to Be a Good Listener

good listener with empathetic psychologist consoling man

Has this ever happened to you? You’re in a conversation with a friend, and you’re telling someone about your crappy day or your ridiculous coworker. Or maybe you’re telling them that you ate a slice of mediocre cheesecake this afternoon and boom, you’re thrown off your superficial rant.

Why? Because suddenly you’re having visions of your mother’s famous cheesecake that she made every year for a spring party. You miss that cheesecake. You miss your mother. You just got hit with a wall of emotion, and now you’re kind of teary eyed but also a little embarrassed and somewhat anxious that you might be judged for bringing that up again.

And what’s your friend supposed to do at this moment? Tell you she’s sorry? Heck no! It’s been eight years and you’re still choking up about cheesecake. What good will her telling you sorry do for you today?

What helps the most is just being a good listener. All you need in this moment is to be heard, to be understood, and to be able to experience whatever feelings you are experiencing without piling on others like shame, discomfort or awkwardness.

In times of high emotion, this little act of just listening has big, transformative powers. Simply put, a good listener doesn’t have to say much to make you feel better. In fact, a good listener barely says anything at all. If they did, they wouldn’t be listening. So how do people actually become good listeners? The good news is, it’s easy to do at any age.

There are several ways a person can work on their listening skills. Active Listening, a subset of high-level interpersonal communications skills, is particularly well known for its transformative powers. When a person engages in Active Listening, he or she is focused almost exclusively on the other person.

7 tips to become a better listener

1. Understand that this isn’t a conversation in the normal sense of the word

The person speaking should be talking 70-80% of the time. When the listener speaks, it’s usually to ask a question to draw out more of the person’s experience, or to clarify something that has been said.

2. Demonstrate genuine empathy for the other person

As they speak, imagine what they could be feeling or thinking. Pretend you are right there with them. When it’s your turn to speak, your responses will naturally mimic these complex emotions.

3. Don’t just wait to talk and blurt out something profound that you’ve been cooking up while the other person told you their sob story

This isn’t a competition about whose comment is the most insightful, sad, or meaningful. Your goal isn’t to add words to the conversation; it’s to create a supportive and caring framework for the other person to feel comfortable sharing what’s on their mind.

4. Show you really heard what the other person said

Reflect the content of their story by parroting it back to them, or by paraphrasing in your own words. If I said, “I’m sad because I don’t have her cheesecake anymore,” a good response would be, “You haven’t had your mother’s cheesecake in a long time.” It might sound plain and unadorned, but it works.

5. Pay close attention and resist the urge to check your phone or change the topic

Offer reassuring words or phrases as the other person speaks. When uttered genuinely, fillers like “mmhmm”, “OK,” and “I see” let the other person know you’re still present.

6. Try not to interrupt

Yes, we all do it sometimes, but when a person is hurting, it’s doubly rude. Just keep your comments to yourself by any means possible.

7. Be OK with long pauses

Since you’re not interrupting, and you’re letting the other person talk the majority of the time, you’ll likely feel a bit of a slower pace to the conversation. This is OK. Long pauses give the other person time to fill in the blanks, share with you more information, and process out loud the emotions inside.

Overall, a good listener makes the other person feel like they are the only one in the world; a feeling that’s rare in these days of continual sensory overload. A good listener helps the other person get to the core of what’s bothering them at that moment, so they can verbalize it and start to move forward. A good listener knows that when you’re on another one of your cheesecake tangents, the best thing to do is support you as you re-experience your deep loss fully and completely in that moment, cherry topping and all.

A version of this piece originally ran on modernloss.com.

How to Navigate the Long Arc of Grief

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

As we approach the 20th anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks, grief is weighing heavily on our minds. Many of us are thinking about where we were on that day, remembering lost loved ones, or even just the stories of those who were lost who we felt like we got to know through the news. We might also be thinking about people we love who were with us at that time and are no longer here. The impact of absence plus time is real.

Photo of a woman navigating the long arc of grief after a recent loss.

Grief is not an emotion to pass through on the way to “feeling better” but rather is in constant motion; tidal, easily and often reactivated by memories and sensory events, and is re-triggered as we experience life transitions, anniversaries, and other losses. Whether we want it to or not, our losses get folded into our identities as they develop. They inform our thoughts, hopes, expectations, behaviors and fears.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and Hope Edelman, author of the best-selling “Motherless Daughters” and “The AfterGrief,” talk about creating a new language for how we can describe and discuss the long arc of loss.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:

Grief is a lifelong process but doesn’t have to be a lifelong struggle

It will not feel like it does in the first weeks, months or even the first years. The “AfterGrief,” as Hope refers to it, is the period of time when hope and laughter and meaning can all come back into our lives almost in the same measure as before, and sometimes in an even greater measure. Any major catastrophe in our lives sets into motion a chain of events that otherwise wouldn’t have occurred, and some of those outcomes will be positive ones. That isn’t to say that we are glad that the original event happened; far from it. But this is what is known as “finding meaning” in the wake of a loss.

Learn about “new old grief”

New grief is what we experience right after someone dies or another major loss. Old grief is the recurrent aspect of loss, how it comes around on a cyclical basis on anniversaries, holidays, and of course even just during any time of day. “New old grief” is when we encounter an old loss in a completely new way that we couldn’t have pre-grieved because we couldn’t feel it until we got there. This happens a lot during life transitions: for example, if one of your parents died before you had your own graduations, weddings, or became a parent or had any major milestone, feelings of grief can be re-triggered in a completely new way because it would have been impossible for you to feel this particular aspect of loss until you got there. It can also come up with “age correspondence” events, which refers to when you reach the age that your person was when they died or were diagnosed with an illness that changed everything. This is completely normal.

What exactly is “post-traumatic growth”?

This process requires becoming aware and open to the possibility that there can be one meaning that can be created out of a loss. We create stories to make sense of what happened to us as we try to piece together the facts and emotions of a story that feels intellectually complete. That story can change but we have to be willing to allow it to change. Along the long arc of loss, our relationship to that same set of facts will evolve over time and can encourage a growth-oriented mindset. A simple way to start tracking these changes is to simply make a list of what you’ve learned as a result of your loss (this may not be possible until a good amount of time has passed). Write down what you know now that you didn’t know beforehand that might be helpful to at least one other person? Is it that you’re grateful for the little things more? Or that you can better appreciate the quality of time you have with your loved ones or activities that bring meaning to your life? If you sit and think for a few minutes, you’ll probably come up with at least a few things.

Your loss is a part of you; but it isn’t your entirety

Imagine a dark circle. Many of us might think that over time, the ball will shrink. If that ball – our grief – remains the focal point of our identity, then of course it will take up a lot of room. But if we allow other parts of life to expand and grow around it, then it’s still there, but smaller in comparison to the other things that are in our lives. Our life will expand around our grief but only if we open ourselves up to letting it do so.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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Communicating Loss, Hope & Empathy Post Pandemic

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

Many of us spent most of 2020 — and a good part of 2021 — in various stages of isolation. Now, as we slowly begin to emerge from quarantine and rejoin the world, we will surely find ourselves in conversations that inevitably touch upon the different types of tough times we’ve faced throughout the pandemic.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and empathy expert Colter Ray had a conversation on practical ways to show — and ask for — empathy as we become “in person” people again.

Here are some key takeaways from their chat:

What exactly is empathy?

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and try to understand what they’re going through. If you can really manage to do that, you can feel like you are going through it with them and make them feel seen and validated.

Why do we need empathy in the world?

Empathy can be a great tool that allows us to build bridges with people all over the world. When utilized well, it can help someone to feel less alone in a difficult situation, because they will feel like someone else is willing to sit with them in it, if even for a few minutes.

It’s a great practice to engage in reframing and really think about what other people are going through. Being empathetic can allow you to see where you are in the world and help you to contextualize your own experiences.

How can we start to socialize in a meaningful way?

It’s easy to just envision the first five minutes of interactions with the people we see — the hugs, smiles, and “I’ve missed you so much!” sentiments. But there will be a lot of heavy conversations about the various types of grieving we’ve endured: for lost loved ones, lost jobs, lost roles, and more. So it’s important to learn these three simple rules for being a good listener:

Stop talking. If a friend starts talking about a person in their life who died or another very difficult experience, try to stop yourself from speaking and make the effort to be fully present with the feelings they’re expressing.
Don’t think about how to respond. This might seem counterintuitive, but when someone starts sharing an experience that’s heavy, our brains start to focus on how we can respond in the perfect way. Unfortunately by then, we’ve completely stopped paying attention. Try not to worry about what you’ll say. It will help you to pay attention to what they are saying, what they look like, what their bodies are doing, and how they sound.
Allow a few seconds of silence. Even when someone has stopped talking, give them a bit of silence before you say anything. This gives them some comfortable space to continue sharing — it can take people time to feel comfortable opening up, so they often hold back a little bit of information that might end up being the most meaningful to them. It is important to you as a supporter to hear the whole story.

For more helpful tips from Modern Loss on how to be a mindful listener, check out this article.

What are some helpful empathy starters?

Remember: There isn’t one perfect thing to say. There are some easy ways to make people feel you care, though. The worst option is to say is nothing at all because you’re uncomfortable, scared, or nervous that you’ll say the wrong thing. Here are some ways to communicate with empathy:

Ask someone how they are doing today or with this right now. When you ask someone a yes or no question or “How are you?” it can really stop the conversation, because they feel pressured to say that they’re fine. If you connect the question with this moment in time, though, you give them permission to open up a little more and share what’s really going on (“Today’s been a tough day because of x and x,” for example, or “Today I’m actually doing a little better, though overall I’m still struggling). The grief process will last months or even years, so giving people a way to share a sliver of that experience is important to their healing and to your connection with them.
Start off by saying “I’m sorry this has happened to you.” Before you say anything else, take a breath and say this. It’s so important for someone to hear it, and it can go a very long way toward validating what they’ve gone through.

This article was written by ModernLoss.com, which offers a candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Managing Feelings of Trauma After the Pandemic

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

There’s no doubt that 2020 and much of 2021 have been some of the toughest and scariest times that many of us have endured. In the United States alone, one out of every 600 people has died from COVID-19. And while it feels like life is starting to open up again, we cannot erase the trauma we lived through.

The good news: We are naturally designed to withstand adversity, to grow from it and survive. More than 50 percent of people will experience a traumatic event in their lifetime — and when we fold in the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s safe to say we’ve all dealt with a certain level of trauma now, be it grieving someone who died, caring for a sick person or ourselves, being care-giving children, working overtime, or losing work.

The majority of people who live through trauma manage to deal with that trauma on their own, and that really speaks to the resilience of humans. But it can be helpful to understand how traumatic stress impacts the mind and body, and how you can mitigate its common reactions with some helpful coping mechanisms.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Instagram Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and trauma psychologist Pria Alpern, Ph.D., talked about this topic. Here are some key takeaways:

What happens to our bodies when we perceive a threat?

The fight-or-flight response gets activated in our mind and nervous system, leading to physiological arousal — the way many people were feeling a year ago: heightened levels of anxiety, shock, and intense fear.

How does it feel when we deal with a traumatic reality for a long period of time?

Research on trauma shows that within the first six months of a traumatic event it’s normal to feel really activated, but as time goes on, we can feel more constricted, depressed, on edge, or numb. This is a survival response; you can’t stay in such a heightened state of arousal for too long before you feel overrun by it and there’s no choice but to shut down.

The numbness many of us feel when staring at COVID-19 numbers is not because we don’t have empathy, it’s because such a painful number is difficult to absorb, and this is how we cope.

What are some of the common reactions to the particular stressors we’ve experienced during the pandemic?

When we are in a stressful situation where there are a lot of themes of loss and trauma, it’s normal for past grief to get kicked up. If people have a history of loss or illness in their family, or even a history of being sequestered and isolated — which is reminiscent of quarantine — that can trigger past feelings that feel very much alive in the present moment. This is a very common reaction. Heightened levels of anxiety, numbness, and exhaustion are also normal.

How can we manage feeling ungrounded during traumatic times?

To help yourself get through and tolerate this type of emotional distress, it’s important to learn how to bring yourself back to the present moment. This is called “grounding.” Acknowledge to yourself that you don’t know what will happen in the future, but you are here right now. Press your feet into the floor, feel its support, and notice the foundation beneath you. Repeat to yourself, “I’m here right now. I’m in my body. I can feel my breath.”

We can get so caught up trying to manage our anxiety and stress that our attention becomes dysregulated. For example, if someone you know is sick, you might get stuck worrying about how she will be in the future. Or, if you’re experiencing a resurgence of grief reactions triggered by a particular event, you might be stuck in turning the past over again and again. The effect is the same in both scenarios: You are no longer in the here and now.

How do we practice “self-care” during trauma?

Self-care is a trending buzzword, but it doesn’t necessarily mean practicing yoga and drinking green juice. It can mean going to the grocery store without your kids or eating a cheeseburger instead of a carrot.

Self-care is really about having self-respect and self-reverence. Ask yourself, “What makes me feel good inside?” and “What can I do for myself that doesn’t depend on how other people perceive me?”

Remember, self-care isn’t performative: It really needs to feel good to YOU. If what works for someone else doesn’t work well for you, don’t do it.

This article was written by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.