modern loss Archives

How We All Can Benefit from Bereavement and Compassionate Leave Policies at Work

The grieving process doesn’t respect office hours. (And let’s be honest: These days, office hours can be any time of day.) Yet in the United States, more than 60% of workplaces offer only three days or fewer of bereavement leave after a major loss. That leaves millions of people to manage the harsh aftermaths — both emotional and logistical —while still having to fulfill their responsibilities at work.

Light After Loss Ep 24: Bereavement in the Workplace: Why (and How) We Should Recognize It

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Becca Bernstein, senior manager at Option B, a program out of the Sandberg Goldberg Bernthal Family Foundation that helps people navigate loss and hardship, and support their loved ones. Its mission was inspired by former Meta (formerly Facebook) COO and Lean In cofounder Sheryl Sandberg, whose husband, Dave, died suddenly in 2015.

Option B recently launched a campaign to help both employees and human resources leaders better understand the real facts about grief and ways in which employers can provide support that matters. Here are some key takeaways from their conversation on how and why businesses should do better at supporting their people who are going through difficult times.

The business case for expanding bereavement and compassionate leave is strong

The inability to grieve fully impacts people’s desire and ability to continue working for an organization, which leads to higher turnover rates. According to Option B’s research, nearly 80% of 18- to 34-year-olds would consider leaving their jobs if their workplaces didn’t offer proper support after a major loss, evidence that such support is now expected and no longer viewed as a “nice-to-have.” People remember how their workplace showed up for them in their darkest hours.

bereavement leave with boss consoling stressed female office worker

The kindness of managers can only go so far

Employees frequently must depend on the compassion of managers to receive the support they need. But if a business does not have clear policies that reflect those good intentions, then understanding what the expectations are during times of loss can be hard for everyone. Putting managers in a situation where they are doing guesswork as to what they can offer their employees is not fair, and it is even worse if one team is offered a different set of options than another within the same company.

The ideal policies should include the following:

A minimum of five days of paid leave (though the best-in-class policies include up to 20 days).
The ability to take leave nonconsecutively or in a nonlinear way. After all, that is an accurate reflection of the grieving process, which does not end after the funeral.
Clear leave for pregnancy loss and miscarriage. Currently, only one in four U.S. companies provide such leave for an experience that one in four women who get pregnant go through.
Including paid compassionate leave, a catch-all category for any life-altering and emergency loss and hardship. This could include a seriously ill close family member or providing support to a caregiving loved one.
Expanded definitions of who can take leave. Meaningful connections look different for everyone. Some of us deeply grieve for aunts, caretakers, mentors, and friends. The best policies provide flexibility and cover the loss of a range of loved ones (yes, even pets). They are also a sign of respect, giving employees the space to grieve those who are most important to them.

bereavement leave with distressed businessman

Employees can enact change, too

It can be daunting to advocate for change at the workplace, and sometimes you need a script to take action. That’s why Option B created an employee toolkit that helps get the ball rolling, with five key recommendations to start a conversation for change.

Anyone who has worked through a painful loss remembers the details of how they were treated at work — from the small gestures of kindness from colleagues to the exact policies enabling (or not enabling) them to care for themselves during some of their toughest times. Companies have an enormous opportunity to create meaningful change in their employees’ lives with regard to a universal experience, and the hope is that they do.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Overcoming the Stigma Around Mental Health

In 1949, the United States government designated May as Mental Health Awareness Month. The purpose of this month is to raise awareness about the importance of mental health and provide information about what people can do if they feel their own mental health or that of someone they care about is cause for concern.

Light After Loss Episode 21: Mental Health Awareness: Overcoming the Stigma

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a psychologist as well as the founder of Therapy for Black Girls and host of its mental health podcast. Bradford’s work focuses on making mental health topics more relevant and accessible for Black women, and creating spaces for them to have fuller and healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Why is there such a stigma surrounding the topic of mental health?

Many people didn’t grow up being taught about the importance of caring for their mental health. Also, some communities that are more deeply rooted within religion and spirituality tend to promote the idea that if you are struggling with mental illness, your faith may not be strong enough, or, even, that you are cursed. None of this encourages an open conversation about mental healthcare.

How has the stigma surrounding mental health historically affected Black and Brown women?

A common “strong Black woman” stereotype suggests that they’re the ones who are supposed to hold everything together: at home, at work, within their communities. That is nearly impossible to do without struggle. The idea that someone might not be strong enough to face whatever emotional concerns they’re having goes against that stereotype, and that results in some women feeling like it’s not OK to admit they need help. Also, historically, Black women have been penalized for having mental health issues in various ways, from being put into prison to losing employment to having children taken away from them.

Why is it important to see ourselves reflected in our therapist?

The field of therapy — its theories and interventions — was developed by and for straight white men. When you choose a therapist, it can be helpful to see someone who has a cultural knowledge of what those theories and interventions look like with your community, and who has a similar background. If a therapist doesn’t understand those nuances, important things might be missed. For example, talking about “being tired” within the Black female community can mean that someone is experiencing deep burnout. Someone who doesn’t understand the context might try to help that person look at their sleep hygiene.

mental health awareness with woman talking to a therapist

The reality is that finding someone like that can be difficult. Fewer than 4% of psychologists in the United States are Black, and an even smaller percentage are practicing clinicians.

What should we keep in mind when searching for a therapist?

Therapy is a lot like dating. The first therapist you work with might not be the one that’s the best fit for you. Give yourself permission to find someone else who might work with you in a better way if it doesn’t feel right.

Before reaching out to anyone, make a list of the things that are important to you: Do you want someone with the same cultural background? Sexual orientation? Gender identity or religion? Do you need someone who takes insurance or someone who offers hours that fit with your scheduling constraints? Have that list with you as you speak with people — and use the typical free 20-minute consultations! — but, also, keep an open mind. Your perfect therapist might end up being none of those things but just feel like the right fit for you.

mental health awareness with mom comforting daughter

Ideally, how would we grow up learning how to nourish our mental health?

It’s so important to learn how to verbalize our feelings, and, ideally, from a young age. We all need to learn that it’s OK to cry, and have and show other emotions and big feelings. It’s also powerful to know that you always have someone at home or at school to talk to about those things in early childhood. (But, also, it’s never too late to learn any of this.)

How can having a sense of community help us heal?

It’s important to remember that we are never alone with any struggle we have. Even with the most embarrassing things we’ve experienced, we need to know there is always someone who has experienced something similar and who can help you to hold it.

It’s also important to get ourselves to a point where we are willing to ask for help. Frequently, we identify our importance to people by how they offer help — but not everyone who cares about us knows exactly when we need it. Get out of your comfort zone, and you might be pleasantly surprised by who shows up for you.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Women Who Inspire: Rebecca Soffer

It was clear early on that Rebecca Soffer was destined to be a storyteller. “I love learning about people’s lives,” she says. “Everybody’s got a story…well, I just want to know all the stories.”

It’s refreshing for people to hear from another person who’s in the muck with them and who isn’t scared to talk about this stuff in a way that’s really comfortable.

Rebecca Soffer

Cofounder/CEO, Modern Loss

Soffer graduated from Columbia Journalism School in 2005 and then got a job as a producer on “The Colbert Report.” She found she loved it. “I veered in a different direction and went into political satire versus straight journalism,” she explains. “I found it to be very journalistic — you can’t really ridicule or laugh at something unless you understand it really well.”

That career path was turned on its head, though, when personal tragedy hit.

Soffer was only 30 when her mom was killed in a car accident. Four years later, her father died of a heart attack while on vacation.

Those sudden, profound losses left her reeling.

A place for grievers to gather

She and her friend, Gabrielle Birkner, who lost her her father and stepmother to homicide, went on to cofound Modern Loss, which combines understanding and direct talk, reaching out and fostering a global online and in-real-life community of people who can help each other through their own experiences with loss.

“There was a white space that needed to be filled in the conversation about grief and loss and resilience building, and creating community around it,” Soffer says. “We knew it would resonate, and it did.”

Soffer and Birkner started Modern Loss in 2013 as an online publication, and in the intervening years, it has developed into so much more.

“I could not have foreseen what it would grow into,” she says. “We boiled a big pot of pasta and threw it against the walls, and fast forward 10 years, and there are thousands of original essays on the website by all sorts of people about all facets of the grief experience.”

Wearer of many hats

All the while, Soffer has continued to write and tell stories. She has published two books — “Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome” and “The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience” — and is a frequent public speaker on the topics of grief and how people can navigate it, because, as she says, “I am not scared to talk about this stuff.”

rebecca soffer at End Well Symposium — Soffer speaks to attendees *at the End Well symposium in San Francisco* about the value of talking about grief and loss.

“There’s enormous value in examining these things through a licensed psychological and clinical lens, but I’m not that person,” Soffer says. “I think it’s also refreshing for people to hear from someone who’s moving through the muck with them and who can make it clear that they aren’t alone in this crazy landscape.”

Soffer manages to juggle all this, plus her role as host of “Light After Loss,” the Facebook Live series presented by 1-800-Flowers.com, with raising two young sons, Noah, 9, and Elliot, 6. (She doesn’t sleep much.)

“My kids are used to me doing my thing,” she says with a laugh. “They tell people, ‘Mommy talks about death every day!’ It’s a normal topic. I’m a big proponent of being open with children about grief and other hard topics.”

How to turn an idea into a business

Does Soffer have advice for people who have a passion and want to turn it into a fulfilling business, as she has?

“Yes, don’t do what I did, which was create it first and then wonder how it will be sustainable later,” she says, wryly.

Bottom line, she says, is do your research, but “if you feel you have something to say in the world or something to create, then you need to do it. I highly recommend doing your very best to drown out naysayers who are not trying to lift you up but rather are just trying to bring you down.

“There is certainly something to be said for whether a business is sustainable or whether a venture is logical. But beyond that, if it is, and if you believe in it and can afford to take the risks associated with jumping in, then carpe diem,” Soffer stresses.

rebecca soffer with son elliot — A devoted mom: On left, Rebecca with son Elliot in San Francisco; on right, with son Noah in Guanajuato, Mexico.

rebecca soffer with son noah — A devoted mom: On left, Rebecca with son Elliot in San Francisco; on right, with son Noah in Guanajuato, Mexico.

When the hat juggling becomes too much, Soffer gets outdoors, cycling, hiking, or skiing. “It’s not even like I view it as a leisure activity,” she says. “It’s taking care of my mental health.”

She also takes her sons camping every summer: “I love teaching my kids things that I used to do with my parents as a kid. That’s one of my favorite things to do. It’s a ritual that connects two important generations in my family that will never meet in person.”