Malinda Meadows, Author at 1800Flowers Petal Talk

Sitting Shiva: What Does It Mean?

The first few days after the loss of a loved one can often be met with intense grief and disorientation. In Judaism, a traditional practice known as “sitting shiva” offers a space for family and friends to grieve together and support one another while observing specific customs. Rabbi Steven Kane of Congregation Sons of Israel in Briarcliff Manor, New York, explains the rich tapestry of shiva traditions and rituals, as well as what you can expect if you are making your first shiva call.

What is the meaning of shiva?

Shiva is a Hebrew word meaning “seven,” which symbolizes the week-long period of mourning. During shiva, mourners sit low to the ground, often on special low-cut chairs.

“They sit lower to the ground to be closer, literally, to their loved one who is now buried in the ground,” Rabbi Kane explains. This practice, along with the observance of the mourning period, is referred to as “sitting shiva.”

Where is shiva held, and does it always last seven days?

Shiva is traditionally held at the home of the deceased. However, as a practical matter, it often ends up being at the home of one of the other mourners, such as a child, Rabbi Kane explains. There is no designated “host,” as the primary purpose is to visit with the mourner and provide comfort. Friends, relatives, or members of the congregation often assist in organizing it.

As with many customs, the observance of shiva can vary among individuals, with some choosing not to sit shiva or opting for a shorter period than the traditional seven days. For example, physicians who are needed by their patients may only sit shiva for three days, Rabbi Kane explains.

When does shiva begin and end?

Shiva commences immediately after the burial of the deceased. The traditional seven days of shiva, however, are understood to be both comforting and potentially overwhelming, often lasting only four to five days in practice. The day of the funeral counts as the first day, Rabbi Kane says, but on Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath), which still counts as one of the seven days of the mourning period, shiva rituals are paused — no visitors, the mourners sit on regular chairs

[Mourners] sit lower to the ground to be closer, literally, to their loved one who is now buried in the ground.”
Rabbi Steven Kane, Congregation Sons of Israel

Who can attend shiva?

Shiva is open to anyone who wishes to pay their respects and offer condolences, and attendance is not limited to just Jewish individuals. Shiva serves as a space for collective mourning, reflecting the inclusive nature of this sacred tradition. Embracing the customs and etiquette associated with shiva can help visitors navigate this emotional time while offering solace to those who have experienced a loss.

What to expect during a shiva call

When sitting shiva, visitors should be prepared to encounter several customs and symbols that carry a profound meaning to those in mourning.

Washing of hands

When returning from the cemetery and arriving at the shiva house, all visitors are expected to wash their hands before entering. This act symbolizes washing away the difficult responsibility of burying a loved one and transitioning to the mourning stage.

Memorial candle

A special memorial candle, called a Yahrzeit candle, is lit upon returning from the cemetery. This burns for seven days and serves as a visible symbol of remembrance for the deceased. It is placed where visitors can see it when they come to offer their condolences.

Meal of consolation

After returning from the cemetery, mourners are often served a special meal known as the “meal of consolation.” This is often organized by close friends or the congregation, Rabbi Kane says, and marks a moment of nourishment and unity, “affirming the eventual return to daily life.”

Removing shoes

Mourners typically do not wear shoes during shiva. This practice symbolizes a separation from material needs, and also connects the mourners — both physically and symbolically — to their loved one who is buried in the ground.

Covering mirrors

Mirrors in the shiva house are often covered during this period, reflecting the notion that mourners need not concern themselves with their physical appearance. This practice symbolizes a focus on inner reflection and emotional healing.

Torn black ribbon or clothing

Mourners may wear torn clothing, though today most people simply attach a torn ribbon to their clothing, explains Rabbi Kane. This symbolic act shows that “they themselves are not whole.”

Sitting shiva etiquette

Visitor etiquette during shiva varies based on the mourners’ community and preferences, explains Rabbi Kane. In traditional or Orthodox settings, offering words of comfort or sharing memories of the deceased is customary. Food or drink is rarely served, although some shiva homes may provide cookies and beverages. In non-traditional settings, food may play a more prominent role, but the primary purpose of the visit is to comfort the mourner.

Here are some general tips to keep in mind when visiting.

Find the right time to visit. Check with friends or family to determine the appropriate time(s) to visit. Avoid visiting on Shabbat (Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown).
Dress appropriately. Some individuals choose to dress as if they were attending a synagogue service. Others dress informally, depending on their personal preferences and even their relationship with the mourners.
Wash your hands. A pitcher of water, a basin, and towels are typically placed near the front door of the shiva home.
Just walk in. The front door of the shiva home is usually left unlocked, eliminating the need for the mourners to answer the door and minimizing distractions.
Find the mourner. Allow the mourner to initiate conversation. Offer a hug, a kiss, a handshake, or an arm around the shoulder to provide comfort.
Talk to friends. Encountering acquaintances and friends when paying a shiva call is common. Feel free to engage in conversation with them as well. Despite the reason you’re there, many shiva calls may have a jovial atmosphere.
Consider the length of your visit. While the appropriate duration of a shiva call varies depending on your relationship with the family, it typically lasts about an hour. Staying too long can add undue strain on the mourners, so be mindful of the length of your visit.

What to bring to shiva

While bringing gifts to shiva is not necessary, Rabbi Kane explains that many people feel offering a gesture of sympathy is appropriate. Common gifts include small boxes of cookies or pastries. However, he says that in more traditional communities, prepared meals are often planned and coordinated through the synagogue, relieving visitors of any need to bring food.

On the list of things not to bring, Rabbi Kane urges against flowers or plants. He also cautions against large meals unless previously coordinated with the family.

Navigating Holidays and Anniversaries in the First Year of Grief

Holidays and anniversaries are often times of happiness and celebration, but for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, these occasions can be painful and overwhelming. This is especially true during the first anniversary of a death, as you adjust to life without your loved one by your side.

“The aftermath of loss is hard and often debilitating ,” says Melissa Lunardini, head of bereavement for Help Texts, which offers grief and mental health support through text messages. When we lose someone, a world that once made sense feels completely foreign to us, and we find ourselves anxiously seeking out a grief map.

With the right advice and reassurance, though, you can navigate holidays and anniversaries in the first year of grief. Lunardini will show you how.

Go in with a plan

While a standard grief map doesn’t exist, grievers do share common patterns, Lundardini says, and knowing which one we are can help us navigate upcoming dates in ways that feel most meaningful to us. These patterns are separated into three grief styles: intuitive, instrumental, and blended.

Intuitive grievers, Lunardini explains, tend to talk more openly about their emotions, and seek out people and places where they can express those feelings. If this grieving style feels most natural to you, consider seeking out holiday support groups and communicating with friends and family early on about how you might want to approach significant dates.

Instrumental grievers, on the other hand, are less likely to show their emotions outwardly but tend to be more action oriented when processing grief. On the anniversary of a death, for example, you may want to create a memorial for your person or plant a garden of their favorite flowers. For holidays, you may decide to bake your loved one’s favorite Christmas cake, or keep with other traditions.

Blended grievers, as the name suggests, are people who pull from both styles. Taking time to understand where we find comfort and identifying our particular adaptive grief style can help us find positive ways to approach the holidays and other difficult dates.

Make space for self-compassion

With an important date on the horizon, it’s common, Lunardini says, to feel anxious and uncertain. We might even start to engage in self-criticizing behavior, especially if we’re not feeling up to celebrating or partaking in usual activities.

To counter this, she recommends practicing self-compassion. “Treat yourself as gently as you treat a newly grieving friend. Speak kindly to yourself, reassure yourself, and give yourself permission for the day to look and feel different.”

One such technique she recommends is called the “morning pause.” As you wake up, take a minute or two to pause. Breathe deeply for a few breaths, do a full body stretch, and say something kind and motivating to yourself, such as “Whatever I am able to do today is enough” or “I can do hard things” or “Whatever comes my way today, I can handle it.”

Practice self-care

As holidays approach, grievers can notice an increase in physical, emotional, behavioral, social, and spiritual reactions, which can increase in intensity the closer it gets to the actual day, Lunardini explains. Self-care is another coping technique that can help make these intense surges of grief feel more manageable.

This may include scheduling downtime for yourself, journaling, going for a walk, or practicing breathing techniques like the “physiological sigh,” a proven exercise that helps the body calm down quickly.

There is no right or wrong way to handle your first holiday, but it is always helpful to remember that you can adjust expectations in real time by making choices and setting limits based on what you need at the moment.
Melissa Lunardini, head of bereavement for Help Texts

To try the physiological sigh, take two short inhales through the nose, followed by one long exhale through the mouth. Make sure that your exhale is longer than your short inhales, and repeat this three times.

Self-care also extends beyond the immediate self. “Part of self-care is also letting your support network understand what is coming up for you so that they can also increase their support for you during this time,” Lunardini says.

Adjust expectations

Adjusting expectations means simply acknowledging that this holiday or occasion will be different while also recognizing that you have choices. To many, that means deciding whether to keep with tradition or create a new one.

Perhaps you typically attend a brunch to honor your mother on Mother’s Day, but this will be the first year without her. “Her absence creates space for you to make choices and control what you already know will be a hard day emotionally,” Lunardini explains. You might choose to do something in her honor, start a new tradition, pack the day full, or skip it entirely.

“There is no right or wrong way to handle your first holiday, but what is always helpful is to remember that you can just adjust expectations in real time by making choices and setting limits based on what you need at the moment.”

Lunardini offers one final piece of advice if a day starts to feel overwhelming: Use the STOPP technique. “STOPP” stands for:

Stop what you’re doing.
Take a breath.
Observe what is going on inside your body and in your environment.
Pivot or proceed.

Determine if you can and want to resume your activity — or if it’s simply time to take a break and rest.

How to Support a Loved One During Their First Year of Loss

The loss of a loved one brings a year of difficult “firsts.” The first meal alone. The first vacation without them. The first Thanksgiving where their chair sits empty. The first anniversary of their death.

Sometimes a slightly indirect approach of showing support by simply being there around those sensitive times can be helpful, and can set the stage for talks about their grief to arise naturally.

Dr. Chloe Carmichael

Clinical psychologist

“Those firsts are often the most painful because the bereaved person is having to recreate their infrastructure of support as well as their daily and seasonal habits and routines,” explains Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a clinical psychologist and author based in New York.

The reason we feel this way, explains Dr. George S. Everly, a professor in the Department of International Health at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, is that we experience life in cycles — in our case, an annual rotation of the sun — and the most important milestones naturally occur within that annual cycle and are now being experienced without the loved one for the first time.

“This process culminates on the anniversary of the loss,” Everly says. The bereaved might feel a reawakening of pain, sadness, and emptiness at this time.

As a friend of the bereaved, knowing how to offer support during this incredibly emotional time can be tricky. Here are a few ways you can help ease the pain of someone who is suffering in the first year after experiencing loss.

Note important dates

Mark your calendar with important dates, Carmichael recommends. That way, you won’t let the day accidentally slip by or catch you by surprise.

For a death anniversary, consider making a note a week or so before the date of loss. “If you know that your friend lost a parent on Jan. 10, you would want to mark your calendar for, say, Jan. 3, as a heads-up to remind you about your friend’s loss,” she says.

With upcoming holidays, jot down a note to reach out to the bereaved approximately one month beforehand, especially if you want to extend an invitation to your table. Waiting until too close to the holiday can make the invite feel like an afterthought.

Know, too, that certain milestones may be more meaningful than others, and grief can return at these times with a vengeance. We often hear the adage that the “first year of grief is the hardest, but we continually reprocess grief in different life contexts,” Carmichael says. For instance, if a friend who lost her father is getting married, she may feel that loss more intensely leading up to the wedding day.

“Memories can also get attached to seasons,” she explains. That is true even if the timing does not directly coincide with the date of loss. For instance, if the bereaved enjoyed going to the beach with the person they lost, the start of summer might trigger grief. In that case, it’s a good idea to check in on them when the weather turns warmer.

How to start the conversation

Fear of saying the wrong thing often holds us back from reaching out to a friend when a death anniversary or important holiday nears. To help start the conversation, Carmichael recommends a technique called “narrating the experience,” wherein we take our internal experience surrounding the uncertainty and put it into words.

Here’s an example in a text message:

“Hi, I just wanted to check in and let you know that I’m thinking of you. I wasn’t sure if I should reach out because I know it’s such a personal time, but I still wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and if you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

This approach communicates to the bereaved that you’re aware that people process grief in different ways and you’re not trying to shape their process. It also makes room for the fact that they may or may not want to talk about it.

first year of loss with an older man holding. cane being consoled by a younger man.

And if they do?

“Consider just hitting the dial button on the phone,” Carmichael says. Reflective listening — the act of simply repeating back what someone says — is a great approach to take here. It shows the person that you’re listening and actually stimulates them to share more.

When an indirect approach feels better

While dealing with grief, the bereaved can sometimes feel like they’re living in a constant spotlight. If you get the sense that your friend is feeling this way, try offering a supportive presence without directly bringing up the topic of grief.

“Sometimes a slightly indirect approach of showing support by simply being there around those sensitive times can be helpful and can set the stage for talks about their grief to arise naturally,” Carmichael explains. We can do this by inviting them for a walk, to grab a coffee, to go shopping, or whatever it is they like to do.

If you knew the deceased person, having memories on hand to share — if a moment feels right — will show you’re thinking of them. This also helps dim that spotlight and creates a two-way dialogue that can feel less draining for the bereaved.

first year of loss with two women sitting on a park bench.

When there’s resistance

Even if you reach out to the bereaved with the most thoughtful intentions, know that they may decline your invitation — and that’s OK.

“Don’t be surprised if they want to be alone,” Everly says. Everyone grieves in their own way, and certain dates or holidays can be a particularly hard time when those days were structured around those who have passed.

Carmichael agrees. “Even if the person declines your invitation, they get to spend the whole month before the holiday knowing they are kind of swimming in invitations. They know they have a lot of support and people are thinking of them.”

25 Best Funeral Songs

funeral songs with woman playing piano at funeral

Music is an essential part of any funeral service. “It has a way of going deeper emotionally and spiritually,” explains Daniel Symonds, a funeral director at Symonds-Madison Funeral Home in Elgin, Illinois. The right songs can honor and celebrate the life of the deceased, and create a sense of comfort and connection for the grieving.

While hymns and instrumental pieces once were the standards for funeral music, more modern songs have gained popularity in recent years.

“Different generations bring different styles of music, and in this changing religious and spiritual landscape, more secular music is making its way into the funeral service,” Symonds says.

The type of service also shapes music choices. A funeral service may lean on more traditional music, while a celebration of life may share favorite songs of the departed.

“Music is also a great transition between the different sections of a funeral service, preparing hearts for the words being spoken,” Symonds notes.

If you’re struggling to decide what song to play at a funeral, remember: There is no “wrong” choice, Symonds says. Think about what your loved one enjoyed most and select music that best memorializes and celebrates his or her life. Also, don’t forget to carefully read the lyrics to ensure they fit the mood of the ceremony.

Best funeral songs

This selection of 25 funeral songs that covers various epochs, genres, and sentiments will help you plan the perfect send-off for your loved one.

1. “Time to Say Goodbye” by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman (Lyrics)

Andrea Bocelli, Sarah Brightman - Time To Say Goodbye (HD)

A powerful and soaring duet, “Time to Say Goodbye” is a classic exit song and a good choice to honor a deceased partner.

2. “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban (Lyrics)

Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up (Official Music Video) [HD Remaster]

Remembering a loved one for the help, support, and encouragement they gave is always a wonderful way to honor them, and this song does just that.

3. “Candle in the Wind” by Elton John (Lyrics)

Candle In The Wind (Live At Sydney Entertainment Centre, Sydney, Australia / 1986)

Written by John and legendary songwriter Bernie Taupin, “Candle in the Wind” mourns the passing of someone while they were in the prime of their life.

4. “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler (Lyrics)

Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings (Official Music Video)

Midler pays tribute to the deceased as someone who has empowered others to “fly higher than an eagle.” A song that is similar in sentiment to “You Raise Me Up.”

5. “Dance with My Father” by Luther Vandross (Lyrics)

Vandross wrote this song, along with Richard Marx, based on his own childhood. Ideal for honoring a father, grandfather, or father figure, it speaks to fond memories and a longing to relive those moments again.

6. “You Can Close Your Eyes” by James Taylor (Lyrics)

You Can Close Your Eyes (HD) - James Taylor & Carly Simon

Often described as a lullaby, “You Can Close Your Eyes” is soft, peaceful, and quietly uplifting. While it may not meet the true definition of a “funeral song,” it’s been widely used as one since its release in 1971.

7. “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan (Lyrics)

Bob Dylan - Forever Young (Official Audio)

Dylan wrote this as a wish for his son, Jesse, with lyrics that tug at the heartstrings: “May you always be courageous / Stand upright and be strong / May you stay forever young.”

8. “Tears in Heaven” By Eric Clapton (Lyrics)

“Tears in Heaven” is a powerful tribute to love’s long-lasting powers. Clapton wrote the song, along with Will Jennings, after the death of his 4-year-old son.

9. “You’ll Never Walk Alone” by Gerry and the Pacemakers (Lyrics)

Gerry & The Pacemakers - You'll Never Walk Alone [Official Video]

After loss, it’s common to feel alone. The lyrics of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” offer a sense of hope and companionship, making it one of the most popular funeral songs of all time.

Modern funeral songs

This selection of funeral songs comes from contemporary artists, but the titles listed still contain classic and timeless themes.

10. “Supermarket Flowers” by Ed Sheeran (Lyrics)

Ed Sheeran - Supermarket Flowers [Official Audio]

With a soft melody and thoughtful lyrics, Sheeran’s tribute to his grandmother speaks to the heavy, emotional days immediately following the death of a loved one.

11. “Waiting For You” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (Lyrics)

Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds - Waiting For You (Official Lyric Video)

Starting slow and swelling emotionally toward its end, this song speaks of waiting for a loved one to return. Cave wrote it after the death of his son, and it may be a meaningful choice for those who have lost a child.

12. “One Sweet Day” by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men (Lyrics)

Mariah Carey, Boyz II Men - One Sweet Day (Official Video)

This powerful and heart-tugging ballad is about losing a friend and waiting patiently to see them again.

13. “Beam Me Up” by Pink (Lyrics)

P!nk - Beam Me Up (Official Lyric Video)

Pink wrote “Beam Me Up” for a close friend who lost a child. In it, she imagines a parallel universe where those left behind can talk to their loved ones again and “nothing breaks and nothing hurts.”

14. “Hero” by Mariah Carey (Lyrics)

A powerful tribute to a mother, father, or another important role model, “Hero” conveys the power of inner strength.

15. “See You Again” by Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth (Lyrics)

Wiz Khalifa - See You Again ft. Charlie Puth [Official Video] Furious 7 Soundtrack

An excellent choice for paying tribute to a friend, this collaboration recounts shared memories and closes with a longing to see the person who has left us again.

16. “Angels” by Khalid (Lyrics)

This is the closing track on the singer’s 2017 debut album. On it, Khalid speaks about seeing angels who give hope for better days ahead.

Country funeral songs

It should come as no surprise that some of the biggest country artists of all time are responsible for some of the most inspiring and soulful funeral songs ever recorded.

17. “I’ll Fly Away” by Johnny Cash (Lyrics)

Written by prolific composer Albert E. Brumley, “I’ll Fly Away” is a classic hymn performed at New Orleans jazz funerals. Cash’s rendition is slower than the original but just as uplifting.

18. “When I Get Where I’m Going” by Brad Paisley ft. Dolly Parton (Lyrics)

Brad Paisley - When I Get Where I'm Going (Official Video) ft. Dolly Parton

By describing what heaven will be like, Paisley and Parton attempt to bring solace to the bereaved. It’s a comforting choice for those who have lost partners, siblings, parents, or grandparents.

19. “Who You’d Be Today” by Kenny Chesney (Lyrics)

Kenny Chesney - Who You'd Be Today (Official Video)

When someone dies young, we often wonder what their life might have looked like. “Who’d You Be Today” mourns this loss and the person they might have become.

Uplifting funeral songs

If you’re looking to set a more inspirational tone at a funeral, these songs offer a message of optimism and hope.

20. “Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole (Lyrics)

OFFICIAL - Somewhere Over the Rainbow 2011 - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole

Perfect for a celebration of life, this medley of two classics has a more uplifting melody than traditional funeral songs. It paints an image of a better place “where troubles melt like lemon drops.”

21. “You’ll Be in My Heart” by Phil Collins (Lyrics)

This song, written for the Disney movie Tarzan, reminds us that our loved ones will always live inside us, even if we cannot be with them.

22. “Life Without You” by Stevie Ray Vaughan (Lyrics)

Despite its name, “Life Without You” is an uplifting choice to play at a funeral. Vaughan wrote the song after after the untimely death of friend and mentor Charley Wirz, and it contains touching, heartfelt lyrics such as “Fly on, fly on, fly on my friend.”

23. “The Parting Glass” by The Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem (Lyrics)

The Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem - The Parting Glass

Commonly sung at an Irish funeral, “The Parting Glass” is a toast to a life well lived. For a more contemporary version, consider the rendition by Irish singer Hozier.

Religious funeral songs

Death can test people’s faith and cause them to seek out spirituality, and these songs can help provide solace during a difficult time.

24. “The Prayer” by Céline Dion and Andrea Bocelli (Lyrics)

Céline Dion, Andrea Bocelli - The Prayer (Official Audio)

While this duet is most popular around the holidays and for weddings, its inspirational message about asking God for guidance can be comforting in the wake of grief.

25. “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley (Lyrics)

Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah (Official Video)

Originally composed and sung by Leonard Cohen, “Hallelujah” has gained immense popularity in recent years due to Buckley’s soothing and touching rendition.

Coping with a Public Tragedy: 4 Ways to Process Collective Grief

“Grief is a living, breathing, dynamic thing that takes on different forms,” says Rebecca Soffer, co-founder of Modern Loss. Collective grief is one such form, and it is one that many Americans are all too familiar with.

“We’re all experiencing collective grief from navigating the third year of this pandemic and having so many things in our lives change,” Soffer says. Collective grief also stems from events like mass shootings and other violent acts, the death of a celebrity, and natural disasters.

All of it can feel incredibly overwhelming, Soffer admits, but there are ways to work through it. It starts with understanding what collective grief feels like and then learning how to process it in a helpful and productive way.

“If it feels like grief to you, it probably is. These are real feelings that deserve validation.

Rebecca Soffer

Co-founder, Modern Loss

What does collective grief feel like?

After a public tragedy, intense feelings of shock, sadness, anger, frustration, and helplessness may follow. Soffer explains that even if we don’t know the people affected, we can still imagine the grief their families and communities must feel.

“With the recent school shootings, for example, we’re imagining what the children went through and what their teachers went through, and it’s just this awful feeling of loss,” she says.

Past feelings of personal grief can also resurface with public tragedies. If someone has lost a loved one to a violent act, it’s not uncommon for that person to experience those initial feelings all over again when a similar event occurs. Here, both individual and collective grief can coexist.

Photo of public tragedy with woman comforting a friend

Even if it feels difficult to pinpoint exact emotions in the moment, Soffer offers a gentle reminder.

“If it feels like grief to you, it probably is,” she says. “These are real feelings that deserve validation.”

Suggestions for processing collective grief

Processing collective grief first starts with recognizing what we are feeling, Soffer says. If we can recognize it, we can start to manage it. Here are her four recommendations.

1. Take control of your newsfeed

During a public tragedy, we often turn to the news for information. But there comes a point when the news intake can become too much, Soffer explains.

“We feel like we need to be privy to all the updates, but the truth is, if we’re feeling like it’s having an adverse reaction — like with our mental health, our bodies — then we need to listen to that and cut back on it,” she says.

Soffer recommends limiting the number of news checks to once or twice a day and ensuring we are getting our information from a trustworthy source. After that, it’s time to step back. And for anyone who feels guilty for curbing their news intake, Soffer is quick to dispel any of those feelings: “It doesn’t mean you don’t care — it just means you’re taking care of yourself.”

2. Channel feelings into action

Photo of public tragedy with a woman making a donation online

When a sense of helplessness follows in the wake of a public tragedy, it can be useful to channel those feelings into action.

Soffer encourages those who are grieving to see where they can get involved, if that’s something that feels right for them. Perhaps that means attending a march or donating to a cause, or finding ways to get involved at the local or national level.

“Sometimes feeling like you’re an active part of something can make you feel like you have a tiny bit of control in a situation that feels very uncontrollable,” Soffer explains.

3. Bring it back to now

During periods of collective grief, we may experience moments when we feel like our thoughts are spiraling out of control or we’re going through a physical change (e.g., rapid heart rate, trouble concentrating). When this happens, Soffer suggests trying a few grounding techniques that can help bring us back to the present moment.

While these may look different to different people, meditation, drawing, or spending time in nature are good places to start. Soffer’s latest book, The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience, offers interactive guides for working through feelings of grief.

Photo of public tragedy with a woman walking through a forest

She also recommends the popular 5-4-3-2-1 technique. This helpful practice encourages a person to use their five senses to make them aware of their surroundings, thereby calming anxious or increasingly worrisome thoughts.

“The more you try out different techniques, the more you have — like a toolbox that you can go to with a lot of little tools in it that you can use,” Soffer says.

4. Seek support

Even when we’re collectively experiencing the same event, grief can still feel incredibly isolating, Soffer explains. Having the right support system in place — whether that’s a licensed professional or simply a friend or family member you can talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed — can help.

Online communities for grief, such as private peer-to-peer support groups, are also widely available. Joining or creating a space where you can share stories, give suggestions for coping mechanisms, and generally assure one another that you’re not alone can bring heaps of comfort, and is something Soffer highly recommends doing.

Community is the salve we need, especially in times of collective grief, Soffer says. Being part of something greater than us, and knowing we are not alone in experiencing these feelings, provides us with a certain sense of comfort during an otherwise isolating time.

“That’s a really powerful thing,” Soffer says.

What to Send for a Cremation Service

As recently as a decade ago, Americans preferred traditional burials of their loved ones over cremation. But in 2015, according to the National Funeral Directors Association, the rate of cremation surpassed that of burial for the first time, and the gap has been widening ever since.

This shift means more people are attending cremation services than ever before, which has left many wondering what an appropriate gift is for a cremation service. But before providing answers to that question, we first need to explain what guests should expect at this type of service.

What happens at a cremation service?

The biggest difference between a cremation service and traditional burial is the lack of a casket at the former, explains Alison Johnston, CEO and co-founder of Ever Loved, a tech company that helps families plan and pay for funerals.

But there’s more to it than that.

“These services tend to focus on celebrating the impact that the person had, as opposed to mourning the loss,” she says.

a photo of cremation services with a toast at a restaurant

Cremation services traditionally occur at funeral homes or places of worship, but the locations are becoming more personalized as families opt for casual celebrations of life. “They often take place in a favorite location, like a park or restaurant, and families often ask attendees not to wear black,” she explains.

During the service, friends and family may gather around to share stories, offer up a prayer, raise a toast, or plant a tree in memory of the deceased.

This personalization and shift toward the celebration of life aren’t the only reasons for the increase in this method of disposition. “Cremation is more affordable, more environmentally friendly, and offers more flexibility to the family of the deceased,” Johnston says.

The specifics of a cremation service also vary based on cultural, religious, and personal preferences. If you’ve been invited to one and are unsure about the tone of the service, check the memorial announcement or obituary, or ask someone who is close to the family, Johnston suggests.

Once you have a better understanding of the type of service you will be attending, you can let this knowledge help guide your gifting. Here are some ideas of where to start.

Flowers for cremation services

When you’re unsure of what to give, sending flowers is a nice gesture for cremation services, Johnston explains, especially when the arrangement can be later displayed in a family member’s home.

a photo of cremation services with funeral flowers around an urn

Roses, chrysanthemums, freesias, dahlias, and orchids are common flower types appropriate for a cremation service. You can choose specific flowers based on their meaning, or, if you had a close relationship with the deceased, you might want to send a bouquet of their favorite color, such as a calming lavender or bright yellow arrangement.

If you didn’t know the deceased person well, a classic and elegant arrangement is always appropriate. White calla lilies are an excellent choice, as is a bouquet of hand-gathered white flowers.

Also, keep in mind that the immediate family purchases the cremation spray (a wreath-like arrangement that envelopes the urn), so it’s advisable to opt for a beautiful bouquet instead.

Remembrance gifts

Remembrance gifts are long-lasting tokens that can be placed in the home or garden and are excellent options to send for a cremation service. These gifts are meant to comfort the bereaved while honoring the deceased.

photo of calla lilies for sympathy — White Rose & Calla Lily Bouquet for Sympathy

photo of remembrance candle — In Memory of a Life So Beautifully Lived Candle

A plaque, tapestry blanket, or engrave d clock are just a few of the many options available. If the deceased loved the outdoors, wind chimes or garden stones are a nice way to celebrate their life. Another option is a living memorial, such as a memorial garden or remembrance peace plant, that will flourish and provide comfort for years to come.

Some remembrance gifts are also faith-inspired. Depending on the religion, you may want to send a memory cross or sentiment angel. No matter what you decide, sending the gift to the funeral home or directly to the bereaved is appropriate.

Curated food baskets

Another way to show your support to the bereaved family is to send a curated sympathy basket. This helps relieve some of the burden of shopping and preparing food during this difficult time. Popular choices include a fruit basket, bakery tray, or comforting sympathy meal.

In this case, it’s best to send the gift to the home, either before or after the cremation service. This is an excellent option if you can’t attend the service, live far away, or simply want to show your support in a different way.

When in doubt, Johnston recommends taking a cue from those nearest to the deceased.

“Pay attention to any preferences shared by the family alongside details about the service.” And if the family requests no physical gifts, you might consider other options such as donating to a good cause in memory of the deceased or simply doing a favor for a family member to help them while they’re grieving.