Author: Rebecca Soffer

Co-founder of Modern Loss, Rebecca Soffer is the host of "Light After Loss,"1-800-Flowers.com's Facebook Live series on navigating the long arc of grief. She has been featured on CBS Sunday Morning and speaks nationally about grief and resilience. She is the coauthor of "The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience" and "Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome." She has also been widely published in The New York Times, Marie Claire, and other outlets.

Attending Holiday Gatherings When a Loved One Is Gone

The holidays are here, and while they can be filled with revelry, joy, delight, and magic, the months of November and December can also be a tenuous, sad, and isolating stretch for people who know there will be an empty seat at the table.

Our time is valuable, and so we need to be intentional about how we spend it. But there’s no roadmap for grief, especially during a season full of personal and professional celebratory invitations and opportunities to host. This time of year — more so than any other — it can be difficult to decide what to say yes to, what to decline (and how), and how to bring people together in ways that meet you where you’re at.

Light After Loss Ep. 26: How to Attend Holiday Gatherings When A Loved One Is Gone w/ Priya Parker

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Priya Parker, a facilitator trained in conflict resolution, strategic advisor, acclaimed author of “The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters,” and executive producer and host of the The New York Times podcast “Together Apart.” The two talked about intentionally bowing out of what doesn’t feel right, leaning into what does, and teasing some meaning out of new rituals.

Practice a “gathering diet” when deciding whether to accept an invitation

In addition to nutritional diets (deciding what to put in your body) and informational diets (deciding what information to read and focus on), there are also “gathering diets.” Embracing a gathering diet is a way to become more thoughtful about what, when, and how you attend, and what you say yes and no to.

When you receive an invitation, instead of offering a knee-jerk response — “I have to say yes, she’s my friend” or “Maybe I shouldn’t go because I don’t want everyone to think I’m going to be a downer” — take a few moments to listen to your body. How does it feel? Are you tensing up and feeling dread and stress, or rather warmth, relaxation, and maybe even a little excitement? Use what you’re feeling to help you make a decision that goes beyond what your mind alone is telling you.

grief at the holidays with sad woman sitting on couch with laptop

Want to pass on an invitation? Offer a “connected no.”

Receiving an invitation is like catching a ball the host has tossed to you. Part of being a good and intentional guest is throwing it back to them. It’s natural to assume that throwing it back only means accepting an invite, but you can also do so by saying a “connected no.” (Make sure you do it, though, without expressing ambivalence, which can sap everyone’s energy, including your own.)

Write a response that honors the invitation and host, values the relationship between the two, and might create a different pathway for how you might like to spend time together. Perhaps that’s dinner with just the two of you or a smaller circle of friends, or doing an activity that doesn’t involve a lot of talking, or reconnecting after the holidays, when you might feel a little less raw. You can still be in a relationship with someone without saying yes on their terms all the time.

What if we’ve said yes to an invitation, but as the event nears, we change our minds?

The purpose of gatherings is connection, and even saying no is a way to practice that connection. People can’t always intuit exactly what we are going through on a given day — even if they know we’re going through a rough time — but it’s a communal responsibility to hold space for our hard things. If the day of the event is imminent and you can’t fathom the idea of going through with it, simply give yourself permission to open up about the presence of loss within the context of your life. People overwhelmingly want to be helpful and supportive; give them a chance to do so.

Of note: If you’re uncertain about attending something, showing up and seeing how you feel can’t hurt. First, you can always leave whenever you want, and second, it might just be the medicine you needed. You never know what meaningful connections you’ll make.

How can family members or groups of friends host meaningful holiday gatherings when someone important is gone without overshadowing the spirit of celebration?

Memorize this phrase: Practice meaning as medicine. Anyone who takes on the role of host is inherently inviting their guests to create meaning, and that’s a skill we can all learn.

grief at the holidays with a family at the table for christmas dinner

Here are two ideas for planning a gathering when most of those in attendance are grieving the same person or people.

  1. Hosting begins well before the actual event. If a gathering carries a greater risk, with a variety of personalities and higher level of tenderness surrounding a loss, ask yourself ahead of time: “What is our need and purpose this year?” Consider how much all of you would like to dial up or down the memory of your person in order to strike as much of a balance between that feeling of comfort and the inevitable feelings of sadness.
  2. Ask your guests what they’d like the holiday to feel like and make sure to guide them toward what to expect in your invitation. For example, are they seeking “comfort” and “happiness” after a grandparent or parent’s death? Consider asking each person to send a few songs that bring them those feelings, and then create a playlist. At the event, encourage your guests to share stories about what their songs mean to them when they hear them — especially those that involve memories of your person. This will inevitably create a meaningful and deeply connected experience.

Connection is the antidote to grief and loneliness. You can be in a crowded celebration and feel incredibly isolated; you can also be physically alone and feel like it’s exactly what you need. In a season of both loss and light, give yourself permission to be around the people who feel nourishing to you, and take a pass on those who don’t.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. You can download Priya Parker’s free guide for new and creative ways to spend time together here.

Burnout: What It Is, How We Can Recognize It, and 3 Ways to Come Back From It

Change is the only constant in life, but going through it isn’t always easy. Periods of transition — especially when they completely upend the daily routines we have become used to — can be stressful even during the best of times. But when we’re moving through difficult experiences such as grief, illness, or another stage of adversity, an abrupt shift in both our schedules and the new levels of effort and attention that are required of us can leave us feeling burned out.

With all the everyday responsibilities we have — work, school, family, etc. — it’s important to understand the toll that pushing ourselves beyond our sustainable limits can take on our physical, emotional, and mental health.

Light After Loss Ep. 25: The Burnout Is Real: How to Avoid It, Recognize It, and Take Action

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke about burnout, boundaries, and the need to continually check in on your own personal state with Jen Fisher, U.S. human sustainability leader at Deloitte and a leading voice on the intersection of work, well-being, and purpose. Fisher also hosts the WorkWell podcast series and recently gave a TedXTalk on “The Future of Work.”

Here are some of highlights from their conversation.

What is burnout, anyway?

The tricky thing about this term is that it’s not a medical or mental health diagnosis (although the World Health Organization has recognized it as a workplace crisis). In general, burnout is the feeling of being generally emotionally and physically exhausted to the point where it interferes with our ability to live our daily life. Another tricky aspect is that many people don’t realize they are in the burnout zone until it is too late.

We get to burnout by telling ourselves that we can just keep pushing through the things we feel we “need to do” all the time: finish that work project, go to the gym every day, attend a variety of events on our calendar. But pushing through when we are exhausted is actually the most unhealthy thing we can do.

How can we recognize burnout?

Sad unhappy man holding his forehead

Ironically, when we’re dealing with burnout, it’s sometimes easier for the people who know and care about us to see us struggling with it than we can. They may notice that we seem different than usual and ask if we’re doing OK.

Some of the common signs of burnout can deeply impact various aspects of our entire well-being. Make note of whether you are experiencing some of the following ones, either as pointed out to you by someone who cares about you or if you notice it yourself. If you are, it may be time to seek professional help.

Physical

  • Fatigue (feeling like sleeping much of the time or struggling to do even simple tasks)
  • Apathy
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Headaches
  • Changes in diet

Emotional

  • Feelings of apathy or defeat
  • Strong self-criticism
  • Feelings of detachment
  • Heightened anxiety or unease
  • Irritation
  • Difficulty or inability to find satisfaction in parts of your life that typically bring you joy

Social

  • A decreased desire to spend time and/or connect with family and friends
  • Struggling with maintaining focus and productivity
  • Decreased expressiveness
  • Loss of a sense of self

How can we start to come back from burnout?

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

We have only a finite amount of time and energy — boundaries are what allow us to take care of ourselves. The cliché “Put your oxygen mask on first” is a cliché for a reason: If we don’t draw boundaries around our actual abilities, the world around us will be glad to draw them for us (or even erase them).

Here are three ways to effectively create boundaries.

signs of burnout woman with spa products

1. Make yourself a priority

All of us have ongoing non-negotiable responsibilities, such as those related to being parents, our jobs, our partners, etc. But it’s also important to create a list of your personal and professional “non negotiables.” What are the things you need to do on a daily, weekly, monthly, or even annual basis that allow you to be “you”? Include both small and bigger things, such as a daily sleep schedule, regular exercise, time with friends and family, activities such as reading or being in nature, or even a yearly vacation. Write them down where you can see them every day and make a habit of sticking to them. Doing this — protecting your emotional, mental, and physical space — naturally creates healthy boundaries. And by guarding that space for yourself, you can be more aware of the time and energy you’ll have left over to offer to others.

2. It’s OK to say “no”

Remember: “No” (or even “Not right now”) is a full sentence. It’s important to ask yourself: “Should I be doing this thing at this exact moment or can I do it later, or even not at all?” Practice saying “No” to invitations that feel like they’re too much or don’t fall within your interests. It’s perfectly acceptable to tell someone you aren’t available to help them with something at a particular time and instead offer another time that works better for you (or to connect them with someone else who is more available to help).

3. Clear communication is key

Maintain open and honest communication about your abilities with managers, friends, and family (and what they can do to help you stay within them), as well as speak with a supportive mental health professional. Chances are that the people who care about you will want to help you uphold what you need to do to take care of yourself, but we need to clearly communicate those needs so there’s no confusion about what they are.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How We All Can Benefit from Bereavement and Compassionate Leave Policies at Work

The grieving process doesn’t respect office hours. (And let’s be honest: These days, office hours can be any time of day.) Yet in the United States, more than 60% of workplaces offer only three days or fewer of bereavement leave after a major loss. That leaves millions of people to manage the harsh aftermaths — both emotional and logistical —while still having to fulfill their responsibilities at work.

Light After Loss Ep 24: Bereavement in the Workplace: Why (and How) We Should Recognize It

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Becca Bernstein, senior manager at Option B, a program out of the Sandberg Goldberg Bernthal Family Foundation that helps people navigate loss and hardship, and support their loved ones. Its mission was inspired by former Meta (formerly Facebook) COO and Lean In cofounder Sheryl Sandberg, whose husband, Dave, died suddenly in 2015.

Option B recently launched a campaign to help both employees and human resources leaders better understand the real facts about grief and ways in which employers can provide support that matters. Here are some key takeaways from their conversation on how and why businesses should do better at supporting their people who are going through difficult times.

The business case for expanding bereavement and compassionate leave is strong

The inability to grieve fully impacts people’s desire and ability to continue working for an organization, which leads to higher turnover rates. According to Option B’s research, nearly 80% of 18- to 34-year-olds would consider leaving their jobs if their workplaces didn’t offer proper support after a major loss, evidence that such support is now expected and no longer viewed as a “nice-to-have.” People remember how their workplace showed up for them in their darkest hours.

bereavement leave with boss consoling stressed female office worker

The kindness of managers can only go so far

Employees frequently must depend on the compassion of managers to receive the support they need. But if a business does not have clear policies that reflect those good intentions, then understanding what the expectations are during times of loss can be hard for everyone. Putting managers in a situation where they are doing guesswork as to what they can offer their employees is not fair, and it is even worse if one team is offered a different set of options than another within the same company.

The ideal policies should include the following:

  • A minimum of five days of paid leave (though the best-in-class policies include up to 20 days).
  • The ability to take leave nonconsecutively or in a nonlinear way. After all, that is an accurate reflection of the grieving process, which does not end after the funeral.
  • Clear leave for pregnancy loss and miscarriage. Currently, only one in four U.S. companies provide such leave for an experience that one in four women who get pregnant go through.
  • Including paid compassionate leave, a catch-all category for any life-altering and emergency loss and hardship. This could include a seriously ill close family member or providing support to a caregiving loved one.
  • Expanded definitions of who can take leave. Meaningful connections look different for everyone. Some of us deeply grieve for aunts, caretakers, mentors, and friends. The best policies provide flexibility and cover the loss of a range of loved ones (yes, even pets). They are also a sign of respect, giving employees the space to grieve those who are most important to them.
bereavement leave with distressed businessman

Employees can enact change, too

It can be daunting to advocate for change at the workplace, and sometimes you need a script to take action. That’s why Option B created an employee toolkit that helps get the ball rolling, with five key recommendations to start a conversation for change.

Anyone who has worked through a painful loss remembers the details of how they were treated at work — from the small gestures of kindness from colleagues to the exact policies enabling (or not enabling) them to care for themselves during some of their toughest times. Companies have an enormous opportunity to create meaningful change in their employees’ lives with regard to a universal experience, and the hope is that they do.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Save, Store, or Donate: Organizing What’s Left Behind After a Loss

Deciding what to keep (or sell, donate, or even just throw away) after a loss can be hard. When we are grieving, a mere “object” can carry so much emotional charge that even considering starting the process can feel overwhelming.

Light After Loss Ep 23: Save, Store, or Donate: Organizing What's Left Behind After a Loss

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Shira Gill, a globally recognized home organizing expert and author of “Minimalista” and “Organized Living.” Gill has taught thousands of people how to declutter their homes and lives, and developed a process and toolkit that applies to anyone, regardless of budget, space, or lifestyle. She is also intimately familiar with the experience of going through a loved one’s belongings.

Here are six of her best tips that might help as you consider starting your own “edit,” or helping someone through theirs.

1. Check in with yourself

It’s important, first and foremost, to respect your own process. After all, it can take years for someone to feel ready to sort through certain items, such as personal letters or photos. Unless you are under a short deadline to go through everything at once (and if you are, please consider putting everything into storage boxes for the time being), do ongoing check-ins with yourself to see how you feel about starting this type of project. You can sense when you feel ready. Trust your gut.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  • How does it feel to consider beginning the process?
  • Would it be cathartic to make some decisions on what to do with things, or does the thought of it fill me with dread and anxiety?
  • Do I only feel comfortable when I imagine going through things that don’t seem as personal as others?
  • Am I at the point where I feel like my life is being overtaken by someone else’s stuff? Do I feel less anxious when I imagine some items being removed from my daily surroundings?
A woman packs clothes in a box for donating clothes

2. Seek out support through friends and extended community

When there is a loss, most people around the griever want to help but don’t know how. Many are happy to receive an assigned role or invitation to be helpful in a specific way.

Many people feel shame around asking for help. But the intrinsic motivation to do something hard and emotionally grueling doesn’t come easily to most of us. This is one of those life experiences when the presence of another can be an integral salve — not just in helping you feel less alone but in helping you make some good decisions and even in keeping you on task.

Consider inviting someone from your family or a group of friends, or even a colleague who you trust to have no judgment to take on bite-sized pieces of the process with you — even if just to sit with you for a couple of hours while you go through a box or two. The person will feel like they’ve been a useful part of a very hard experience, and you won’t easily forget their support either.

3. Physical boundaries are your friend

In a process that has no real rules, knowing that you have certain boundaries that will keep you anchored can be liberating and grounding. When it comes to thinking through what items you can physically keep in your own home, consider purchasing a set number of airtight bins that will comfortably fit in your storage area. Creating limits may help you make some difficult choices more easily.

4. Categorize, categorize, categorize

how to declutter with antique pocket watch with Victorian items

Try to make a delineation between “stuff” and true memorabilia. Perhaps your dad’s coffee mug carries no emotional weight, but his marked-up trail map or photos from the Peace Corps do. Look at the items you want to go through and decide which ones are mere “things” and which are unique to your person. Set aside a premium pile of things to either keep or give to family members or friends, and another that might be able to do some good for someone you don’t even know. You don’t have to make a final decision right away (and you might even end up switching some items as time goes by), but categorizing as you go can help things become more clear.

5. Pace yourself

Unless you have to go through belongings in a short period of time, allow yourself to work in small increments. Taking the pressure off when decision-making stakes feel high is so important. Pace yourself and go step by step to keep up your energy and stay focused.

You may find it easier to sort by category one at a time — say, books, music, clothing, or appliances — so you can assess each category and select the most meaningful and precious items from each group. And remember, there’s nothing wrong with shoving everything into a bunch of boxes and putting them in storage until you are ready to sit and process.

6. Give things to those who will appreciate them

Chances are you won’t be able to — or even want to — hold onto everything left behind. You can also be sure that other people in your life would emotionally benefit from being able to receive some of those things. Make a list of everyone connected to your person who might have an interest in having something, and then let them choose what they want in a structured way.

One option is to take photos of everything you are willing to part with, and send a blanket email to your inner circle asking people to tell you what they’d want and offering to ship it to them. Another is to set a time to invite people to visit your home and look at everything using a sticker system as a visual code to “claim” things they really care about (ie, “red” means someone really wants an item, “yellow” is a nice to have). If you’re lucky, you won’t have any conflict over any items (and if you do, make it clear that you reserve the right to hold onto them until you make a final decision…remember the part about pacing yourself?) Then, donate whatever is left over.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Grieving and Healing After Profound Loss

June is known for many things in the United States: the end of school, the transition to summer, graduations, and, of course, Father’s Day. But while so much of the marketing would suggest that Father’s Day is centered on happy celebrations, this day can also be charged with mixed emotions, including sadness, longing, and other symptoms of grief. The more we talk openly about how holidays such as this contain a variety of feelings, the more we can get comfortable with supporting each other through them.

Light After Loss Episode 22: Healing and Grieving after Profound Loss

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Colin Campbell, an Academy Award-nominated writer and director for theater and film. In the summer of 2018, Colin and his wife, Gail, were hit by a speeding drunk driver. Their two teenage children, Ruby (who was 17) and Hart (who was 14), were in the backseat and did not survive. Colin’s new book, “Finding the Words: Working Through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose,” aims to help people find ways to express their grief so that they can live more fully while also holding their loved ones close.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

What should people say to someone who is grieving?

A common misconception is that the role of a supporter is to fix whatever pain the griever is going through. But people should feel relieved of that burden because they don’t need to solve that problem (for which there is no solution anyway). Supporters merely need to figure out how they can articulate that they are there for that person, that they care about them, and that, if pertinent, they loved the person that has died.

How can we feel less isolated in our grief?

grieving with women supporting grieving friend

Community is so important in grief. There’s a stereotype that when someone in your life dies, you’re supposed to enter your grief cave and come out whenever you’re ready. In reality, being with others is imperative. For example, I felt that the Jewish tradition of shiva, when the entire community is supposed to come and sit with the mourner for seven straight nights, was extremely comforting. My initial instinct was to retreat, because the grief over my children was so painful. But then I realized that my pain was coming from love, and that it would be a lot more helpful for me to feel held by a community and be able to share stories and feel seen than to be alone.

Grievers should also try to figure out how to tell the people in their life what they need as support. Most people want to provide meaningful support — they just don’t know how.

How can partners who are grieving together help each other?

After our children died, my wife and I clung to each other; after all, we were the only ones who understood our particular loss. But there can be strength in having different responses. As time went on, we found that sometimes we’d be on the same emotional page. Other times, one of us might feel full of despair while the other one was in a different place, say, remembering a beautiful and comforting memory — and that person was the one who’d take the lead in helping the other through the tough moment.

Elderly spouses hug look at window meet twilight years together

What role do kindness and joy play in personal grief?

When we are grieving, it can be easy to forget to take care of and be compassionate to ourselves. It can also be easy to get caught up in cycles of regret or self-criticism. But those thoughts can be very punishing. While sometimes the very idea of allowing ourselves to feel joy and pleasure can be difficult in grief, it’s an enormously important thing to try to let in. Feeling joy — even the fleeting moments — and reminding ourselves that we are simply humans going through something very universal can help counteract the hardness we place on ourselves and help us avoid mental and emotional burnout.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Overcoming the Stigma Around Mental Health

In 1949, the United States government designated May as Mental Health Awareness Month. The purpose of this month is to raise awareness about the importance of mental health and provide information about what people can do if they feel their own mental health or that of someone they care about is cause for concern.

Light After Loss Episode 21: Mental Health Awareness: Overcoming the Stigma

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a psychologist as well as the founder of Therapy for Black Girls and host of its mental health podcast. Bradford’s work focuses on making mental health topics more relevant and accessible for Black women, and creating spaces for them to have fuller and healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Why is there such a stigma surrounding the topic of mental health?

Many people didn’t grow up being taught about the importance of caring for their mental health. Also, some communities that are more deeply rooted within religion and spirituality tend to promote the idea that if you are struggling with mental illness, your faith may not be strong enough, or, even, that you are cursed. None of this encourages an open conversation about mental healthcare.

How has the stigma surrounding mental health historically affected Black and Brown women?

A common “strong Black woman” stereotype suggests that they’re the ones who are supposed to hold everything together: at home, at work, within their communities. That is nearly impossible to do without struggle. The idea that someone might not be strong enough to face whatever emotional concerns they’re having goes against that stereotype, and that results in some women feeling like it’s not OK to admit they need help. Also, historically, Black women have been penalized for having mental health issues in various ways, from being put into prison to losing employment to having children taken away from them.

Why is it important to see ourselves reflected in our therapist?

The field of therapy — its theories and interventions — was developed by and for straight white men. When you choose a therapist, it can be helpful to see someone who has a cultural knowledge of what those theories and interventions look like with your community, and who has a similar background. If a therapist doesn’t understand those nuances, important things might be missed. For example, talking about “being tired” within the Black female community can mean that someone is experiencing deep burnout. Someone who doesn’t understand the context might try to help that person look at their sleep hygiene.

mental health awareness with woman talking to a therapist

The reality is that finding someone like that can be difficult. Fewer than 4% of psychologists in the United States are Black, and an even smaller percentage are practicing clinicians.

What should we keep in mind when searching for a therapist?

Therapy is a lot like dating. The first therapist you work with might not be the one that’s the best fit for you. Give yourself permission to find someone else who might work with you in a better way if it doesn’t feel right.

Before reaching out to anyone, make a list of the things that are important to you: Do you want someone with the same cultural background? Sexual orientation? Gender identity or religion? Do you need someone who takes insurance or someone who offers hours that fit with your scheduling constraints? Have that list with you as you speak with people — and use the typical free 20-minute consultations! — but, also, keep an open mind. Your perfect therapist might end up being none of those things but just feel like the right fit for you.

mental health awareness with mom comforting daughter

Ideally, how would we grow up learning how to nourish our mental health?

It’s so important to learn how to verbalize our feelings, and, ideally, from a young age. We all need to learn that it’s OK to cry, and have and show other emotions and big feelings. It’s also powerful to know that you always have someone at home or at school to talk to about those things in early childhood. (But, also, it’s never too late to learn any of this.)

How can having a sense of community help us heal?

It’s important to remember that we are never alone with any struggle we have. Even with the most embarrassing things we’ve experienced, we need to know there is always someone who has experienced something similar and who can help you to hold it.

It’s also important to get ourselves to a point where we are willing to ask for help. Frequently, we identify our importance to people by how they offer help — but not everyone who cares about us knows exactly when we need it. Get out of your comfort zone, and you might be pleasantly surprised by who shows up for you.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How to Cope With the Loss of a Pet

Typically, to love a pet is to lose a pet. But even though these animals tend to have much shorter lifespans than humans, we choose to have them because of the deep bond we form with them and the unconditional love they provide. And with 70 percent of American households — or about 85 million homes — owning a pet, according to the American Pet Products Association, the majority of us understand these benefits firsthand.

Most pet owners have such a deep relationship with their pets that when they lose one, the emotions they feel can be profound and hard to put into words. But dealing with the loss of a pet is no different, or less important, than remembering a person who has left us.

Light After Loss Episode 20: Coping With the Loss of a Pet

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with E.B. Bartels, author of “Good Grief: On Loving Pets, Here and Hereafter,” a narrative nonfiction book about loving and losing animals. Here are some key moments from their conversation.

What are some things can we do for ourselves after the loss of a pet?

  1. Legitimize your feelings. A lot of people internalize the comments we frequently hear (“It’s just a dog”) and end up trying to talk themselves out of the deep grief they are feeling by saying “It’s not like it was a family member or a friend.” Losing a pet is as legitimate a loss as any other, and so, just as with all other types of grief, don’t “should” yourself, or try stifle or contain it.
loss of a pet with looking at photos of dog
  1. Ask people to witness your grief. It can feel good to go through your memories and curate an album to share online. This gives you time to create some space to reflect on the relationship. Once you do this, ask people to share their own memories of your animal — you may get stories that you might never have learned about. And consider turning the album into a printed scrapbook. (This is also a great way to help kids process their grief.)
  2. Reach out and connect with other people who get it — even online. On the third Sunday of each month, Perfect Paws Pet Ministry hosts a Zoom gathering with people all over the world to celebrate and remember their pets.

What are some mourning rituals we can do for our pets?

There aren’t a lot of set rituals for mourning pets, which is both good and bad. On the one hand, it can feel uncomfortable after the loss of a pet if you don’t know what to do. On the other, this can free us up to figure out what feels right for us.

Here are five ideas for how to mourn a pet.

  1. Adapt the rituals you might do for a human death to your pet: have a wake, sit shiva, or even ask friends to come by the night before an animal is euthanized to say goodbye.
  2. If you have other pets in the house, let them see your pet after it has died. This allows them to process what has happened and say their own goodbyes. It’s also important for them to view your grief and sit with you during it.
loss of a pet with woman holding small dog
  1. Spend time with other animals. As any pet owner knows, this can be very therapeutic. Petting dogs release oxytocin in the brain, and even watching fish can lower your blood pressure.
  2. Consider burying your pet in a pet cemetery (or, at least, making a habit of visiting them wherever you are to feel close to your animal). No animal is buried in a pet cemetery out of obligation; rather, they are there because of the people who want to celebrate them even in death. You can leave offerings like squeaky toys, their favorite food, or even an old shoe they used to love gnawing on. Wherever you travel around the world, you can visit a pet cemetery and feel the same love others felt for their pets that you felt for yours.
  3. Write an obituary. This healing exercise can help you process your emotions and put all your favorite memories in one place, so that years from now you have something to go back and read. This is another good activity to do with children.

How can we help those who have not experienced the loss of a pet better understand what we’re going through?

loss of a pet with photo of dog and urn

Ask that person to remember what if felt like to experience a hard loss in their life, be it a breakup, divorce, or death. Even if they can’t imagine being so attached to a cat, for example, it will make it easier for them to put themselves in the pet griever’s shoes.

What should we do about people around us who aren’t helpful in our grief?

Don’t waste time trying to convince someone of your grief who doesn’t want to try to understand. Millions of people around the world are open to connecting with each other through the love and loss of their pets. (And remember to extend that mindset to people who don’t “get it” with other types of grief, too.)

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How Storytelling Can Help Us Deal With the Hard Issues

Since the beginning of time, women have played an indispensable role in capturing and reflecting on the human experience, from the earliest storytellers to pioneering journalists, artists, and teachers who have shaped generations of minds.

Any woman who has something to say, and says it, can have a huge impact on how we look at the important things in life. And, so, we dedicated our “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode to women storytellers and how they can strengthen our connection with one another.

Light After Loss Episode 19: Listening to Women's Voices: The Impact of Storytelling

Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Stephanie Wittels Wachs, cofounder and chief creative officer of Lemonada Media and host of “Last Day,” a podcast that talks about mass epidemics in a frank and often humorous way. Here are some key moments from their conversation.

Why did Wachs create Lemonada Media?

Wachs’ brother, Harris Wittels, was a comedian and writer on “Parks and Recreation” and “Master of None.” He also struggled with opioid addiction and died from an overdose in early 2014.

storytelling with lemonada media founders Robyn Von Swank
Lemonada Media cofounders Stephanie Wittels Wachs (right) and Jessica Cordova Kramer. (Photo by Robyn Von Swank)

When her brother shared his addiction with her, Wachs felt like a bomb had been dropped on her house. She became overwhelmed by the shame and stigma around addiction, around losing her brother as she knew him, seeing him go in and out of rehab, and realizing there was nothing she and her family, or even a doctor, could do to actually make him better — the disease was just too powerful. The entire experience was incredibly isolating.

Wachs cofounded Lemonada with Jessica Cordova Kramer, a podcast producer she met and bonded with quickly over the fact that her brother also died of an overdose. They created the company to let others who are in similar situations know how important it is to talk about what they’re going through — and not just their problems but solutions too. As Wachs says, “Just sitting on your hands while your person drowns in front of you and you can’t find a life jacket is completely unacceptable.”

Why is it important to tell stories about difficult issues?

Lemonada offers an enormous breadth of programming, covering everything from opioid addiction to grief, sex to burnout, and the tough realities of motherhood to how we, as a community, can raise good kids. Wachs, Kramer, and their staff come up with the ideas for their shows by thinking about what is truly keeping people awake at night and creating the type of content people need to hear that will help them get out of bed in the morning. The goal is to show that certain situations are really hard, but also to educate listeners about what can make those situations a little easier.

Sometimes, merely listening to a show about an issue you are struggling with can make you feel better about your situation. Doing this can allow you to see yourself in that story and make you realize you aren’t alone, and can also help create more empathy in how you regard people with whom you think you have little in common. When we hear stories about people who we believe aren’t like us, we start to realize how, despite our political and cultural divides, many of us struggle with the same things.

storytelling with woman listening to podcast

How can we share stories in meaningful and impactful ways?

We think of storytelling as being this lofty endeavor for people who have large platforms. But by just sharing your story and observing your experience, you can inspire someone who listens to it while opening yourself to connections that are powerful and healing.

When Wachs’ brother died, she published a personal essay about her experience online. To her surprise, she found an enormous amount of solace from the responses of readers who had experienced that same kind of sorrow. It helped her realize that she preferred to talk to people who had her lived experience, and not necessarily people she knew.

Wachs encourages people to simply write or talk to someone in order to start processing how they’re feeling and what they’d like to do about it. When we go through something difficult, we often feel more comfortable speaking with people who have a certain level of shared experience or who can listen in a completely unbiased way: in a grief group, with an acquaintance who gets it…even with our pets! Everyone has a story worth sharing.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

6 Ways for Family Caregivers to Get the Support They Need

Family caregivers come in many forms. They can be partners, children, siblings, parents, grandparents, or any relative who gives of their time to help someone in need.

In 2020, the United States had more than 53 million family caregivers, and that number increased during the COVID-19 pandemic due to several factors, including closing adult day centers, a decreased professional caregiving workforce, and families taking their loved ones out of long-term care for fear of contagion. Currently, about one in five Americans is a caregiver, and their challenges are legion.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, a grief services coordinator and head of the Dougy Center’s Pathways program, which helps families when a family member is living with an advanced serious illness. Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Light After Loss Ep. 18: The Importance of Caregiving

What makes caregiving so challenging in the United States?

Many countries provide a wide range of publicly funded access to caregiving, which translates to equal access for all. When money is no longer an issue, everyone can have access to quality care.

In the United States, hiring a professional caregiver can be an enormous financial burden. If the cost is too high, family members must decide if they can afford to take the time they need to provide the care themselves, or if they can figure out a way to keep their current employment while also being a caregiver. Long-term care insurance is available in the U.S., but it needs to be set up well in advance of actually needing such a thing and can also only be used for assisted living.

How can intensive family caregiving throw off the balance of someone’s life?

Caregiving can have a wide-ranging impact, potentially affecting everything from one’s emotional and mental health to his or her financial wellness. Some people work extra jobs in order to make additional income; others take on more work outside the home just to have a social outlet that they don’t have in their caregiving role. Family caregivers — especially ones filling that role in the long term — can see their lifetime earning potential take a significant hit. Some people burn through their retirement savings so they can cover the expenses of caregiving, and many give up precious access to friends and leisurely pursuits.

caregivers with young woman taking walking with older woman

What are some feelings caregivers struggle with?

Caregiving is an emotionally complex experience. Those who provide family care are not always doing a job that they want to do — be it temporary or long term — and the emotions they can feel can be heightened if they are isolated in their roles at home. They also might struggle with hypervigilance about all the details that they need to take care of, guilt over wishing they were somewhere else (even when they are somewhere else), or resentment toward other family members who are not helping as much.

How can caregivers find support?

If you’re a caregiver and are feeling overwhelmed in the role, seek help. The best advice is to start small, especially if you haven’t made a practice of self-care in your caregiving role.

Here are six ways to get the support you need as a caregiver.

1. Give yourself permission to have a break

 This can include making yourself take five-minute timeouts. Being able to take even a short rest and do some deep breathing to get oxygen back into your body can help your mind to sharpen and reset.

2. Make sure you get enough hydration

This may seem obvious, but when you’re continually focused on someone else, it’s easy to forget your own basic needs.

3. Focus on good nutrition

caregivers with support group

You need stamina — both the physical and mental kind — to endure the caregiving marathon you’re in, and that means giving your body the proper nourishment. Instead of skipping meals and snacking whenever you have a free moment, make sure you sit down for solid meals throughout the day.

4. Get some mental health support

Are you dealing with a cancer diagnosis, or Alzheimer’s? It can be hugely helpful to know you are not the only one in your situation. There are many situation-specific support groups that can provide help, both virtually and in person. Organizations such as The Dougy Center offer peer support groups as well.

5. Ask others for something specific

Do you need someone to pick up your kids from school? Fold your laundry? Clean your house? Reach out to friends or other relatives for assistance. The sooner you ask, the sooner you will get the help you need.

6. Offer to do something specific for a caregiver

If you’re someone supporting a caregiver, instead of saying “I’m here for whatever you need,” try something like “Do you need groceries picked up?” or “Do you need gas put in your car?” Everyone has something specific they can easily do for someone else, and doing so can make a huge difference in the life of a caregiver.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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