Tag: Coping with Loss

Attending Holiday Gatherings When a Loved One Is Gone

The holidays are here, and while they can be filled with revelry, joy, delight, and magic, the months of November and December can also be a tenuous, sad, and isolating stretch for people who know there will be an empty seat at the table.

Our time is valuable, and so we need to be intentional about how we spend it. But there’s no roadmap for grief, especially during a season full of personal and professional celebratory invitations and opportunities to host. This time of year — more so than any other — it can be difficult to decide what to say yes to, what to decline (and how), and how to bring people together in ways that meet you where you’re at.

Light After Loss Ep. 26: How to Attend Holiday Gatherings When A Loved One Is Gone w/ Priya Parker

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Priya Parker, a facilitator trained in conflict resolution, strategic advisor, acclaimed author of “The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters,” and executive producer and host of the The New York Times podcast “Together Apart.” The two talked about intentionally bowing out of what doesn’t feel right, leaning into what does, and teasing some meaning out of new rituals.

Practice a “gathering diet” when deciding whether to accept an invitation

In addition to nutritional diets (deciding what to put in your body) and informational diets (deciding what information to read and focus on), there are also “gathering diets.” Embracing a gathering diet is a way to become more thoughtful about what, when, and how you attend, and what you say yes and no to.

When you receive an invitation, instead of offering a knee-jerk response — “I have to say yes, she’s my friend” or “Maybe I shouldn’t go because I don’t want everyone to think I’m going to be a downer” — take a few moments to listen to your body. How does it feel? Are you tensing up and feeling dread and stress, or rather warmth, relaxation, and maybe even a little excitement? Use what you’re feeling to help you make a decision that goes beyond what your mind alone is telling you.

grief at the holidays with sad woman sitting on couch with laptop

Want to pass on an invitation? Offer a “connected no.”

Receiving an invitation is like catching a ball the host has tossed to you. Part of being a good and intentional guest is throwing it back to them. It’s natural to assume that throwing it back only means accepting an invite, but you can also do so by saying a “connected no.” (Make sure you do it, though, without expressing ambivalence, which can sap everyone’s energy, including your own.)

Write a response that honors the invitation and host, values the relationship between the two, and might create a different pathway for how you might like to spend time together. Perhaps that’s dinner with just the two of you or a smaller circle of friends, or doing an activity that doesn’t involve a lot of talking, or reconnecting after the holidays, when you might feel a little less raw. You can still be in a relationship with someone without saying yes on their terms all the time.

What if we’ve said yes to an invitation, but as the event nears, we change our minds?

The purpose of gatherings is connection, and even saying no is a way to practice that connection. People can’t always intuit exactly what we are going through on a given day — even if they know we’re going through a rough time — but it’s a communal responsibility to hold space for our hard things. If the day of the event is imminent and you can’t fathom the idea of going through with it, simply give yourself permission to open up about the presence of loss within the context of your life. People overwhelmingly want to be helpful and supportive; give them a chance to do so.

Of note: If you’re uncertain about attending something, showing up and seeing how you feel can’t hurt. First, you can always leave whenever you want, and second, it might just be the medicine you needed. You never know what meaningful connections you’ll make.

How can family members or groups of friends host meaningful holiday gatherings when someone important is gone without overshadowing the spirit of celebration?

Memorize this phrase: Practice meaning as medicine. Anyone who takes on the role of host is inherently inviting their guests to create meaning, and that’s a skill we can all learn.

grief at the holidays with a family at the table for christmas dinner

Here are two ideas for planning a gathering when most of those in attendance are grieving the same person or people.

  1. Hosting begins well before the actual event. If a gathering carries a greater risk, with a variety of personalities and higher level of tenderness surrounding a loss, ask yourself ahead of time: “What is our need and purpose this year?” Consider how much all of you would like to dial up or down the memory of your person in order to strike as much of a balance between that feeling of comfort and the inevitable feelings of sadness.
  2. Ask your guests what they’d like the holiday to feel like and make sure to guide them toward what to expect in your invitation. For example, are they seeking “comfort” and “happiness” after a grandparent or parent’s death? Consider asking each person to send a few songs that bring them those feelings, and then create a playlist. At the event, encourage your guests to share stories about what their songs mean to them when they hear them — especially those that involve memories of your person. This will inevitably create a meaningful and deeply connected experience.

Connection is the antidote to grief and loneliness. You can be in a crowded celebration and feel incredibly isolated; you can also be physically alone and feel like it’s exactly what you need. In a season of both loss and light, give yourself permission to be around the people who feel nourishing to you, and take a pass on those who don’t.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. You can download Priya Parker’s free guide for new and creative ways to spend time together here.

How We All Can Benefit from Bereavement and Compassionate Leave Policies at Work

The grieving process doesn’t respect office hours. (And let’s be honest: These days, office hours can be any time of day.) Yet in the United States, more than 60% of workplaces offer only three days or fewer of bereavement leave after a major loss. That leaves millions of people to manage the harsh aftermaths — both emotional and logistical —while still having to fulfill their responsibilities at work.

Light After Loss Ep 24: Bereavement in the Workplace: Why (and How) We Should Recognize It

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Becca Bernstein, senior manager at Option B, a program out of the Sandberg Goldberg Bernthal Family Foundation that helps people navigate loss and hardship, and support their loved ones. Its mission was inspired by former Meta (formerly Facebook) COO and Lean In cofounder Sheryl Sandberg, whose husband, Dave, died suddenly in 2015.

Option B recently launched a campaign to help both employees and human resources leaders better understand the real facts about grief and ways in which employers can provide support that matters. Here are some key takeaways from their conversation on how and why businesses should do better at supporting their people who are going through difficult times.

The business case for expanding bereavement and compassionate leave is strong

The inability to grieve fully impacts people’s desire and ability to continue working for an organization, which leads to higher turnover rates. According to Option B’s research, nearly 80% of 18- to 34-year-olds would consider leaving their jobs if their workplaces didn’t offer proper support after a major loss, evidence that such support is now expected and no longer viewed as a “nice-to-have.” People remember how their workplace showed up for them in their darkest hours.

bereavement leave with boss consoling stressed female office worker

The kindness of managers can only go so far

Employees frequently must depend on the compassion of managers to receive the support they need. But if a business does not have clear policies that reflect those good intentions, then understanding what the expectations are during times of loss can be hard for everyone. Putting managers in a situation where they are doing guesswork as to what they can offer their employees is not fair, and it is even worse if one team is offered a different set of options than another within the same company.

The ideal policies should include the following:

  • A minimum of five days of paid leave (though the best-in-class policies include up to 20 days).
  • The ability to take leave nonconsecutively or in a nonlinear way. After all, that is an accurate reflection of the grieving process, which does not end after the funeral.
  • Clear leave for pregnancy loss and miscarriage. Currently, only one in four U.S. companies provide such leave for an experience that one in four women who get pregnant go through.
  • Including paid compassionate leave, a catch-all category for any life-altering and emergency loss and hardship. This could include a seriously ill close family member or providing support to a caregiving loved one.
  • Expanded definitions of who can take leave. Meaningful connections look different for everyone. Some of us deeply grieve for aunts, caretakers, mentors, and friends. The best policies provide flexibility and cover the loss of a range of loved ones (yes, even pets). They are also a sign of respect, giving employees the space to grieve those who are most important to them.
bereavement leave with distressed businessman

Employees can enact change, too

It can be daunting to advocate for change at the workplace, and sometimes you need a script to take action. That’s why Option B created an employee toolkit that helps get the ball rolling, with five key recommendations to start a conversation for change.

Anyone who has worked through a painful loss remembers the details of how they were treated at work — from the small gestures of kindness from colleagues to the exact policies enabling (or not enabling) them to care for themselves during some of their toughest times. Companies have an enormous opportunity to create meaningful change in their employees’ lives with regard to a universal experience, and the hope is that they do.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Save, Store, or Donate: Organizing What’s Left Behind After a Loss

Deciding what to keep (or sell, donate, or even just throw away) after a loss can be hard. When we are grieving, a mere “object” can carry so much emotional charge that even considering starting the process can feel overwhelming.

Light After Loss Ep 23: Save, Store, or Donate: Organizing What's Left Behind After a Loss

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Shira Gill, a globally recognized home organizing expert and author of “Minimalista” and “Organized Living.” Gill has taught thousands of people how to declutter their homes and lives, and developed a process and toolkit that applies to anyone, regardless of budget, space, or lifestyle. She is also intimately familiar with the experience of going through a loved one’s belongings.

Here are six of her best tips that might help as you consider starting your own “edit,” or helping someone through theirs.

1. Check in with yourself

It’s important, first and foremost, to respect your own process. After all, it can take years for someone to feel ready to sort through certain items, such as personal letters or photos. Unless you are under a short deadline to go through everything at once (and if you are, please consider putting everything into storage boxes for the time being), do ongoing check-ins with yourself to see how you feel about starting this type of project. You can sense when you feel ready. Trust your gut.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  • How does it feel to consider beginning the process?
  • Would it be cathartic to make some decisions on what to do with things, or does the thought of it fill me with dread and anxiety?
  • Do I only feel comfortable when I imagine going through things that don’t seem as personal as others?
  • Am I at the point where I feel like my life is being overtaken by someone else’s stuff? Do I feel less anxious when I imagine some items being removed from my daily surroundings?
A woman packs clothes in a box for donating clothes

2. Seek out support through friends and extended community

When there is a loss, most people around the griever want to help but don’t know how. Many are happy to receive an assigned role or invitation to be helpful in a specific way.

Many people feel shame around asking for help. But the intrinsic motivation to do something hard and emotionally grueling doesn’t come easily to most of us. This is one of those life experiences when the presence of another can be an integral salve — not just in helping you feel less alone but in helping you make some good decisions and even in keeping you on task.

Consider inviting someone from your family or a group of friends, or even a colleague who you trust to have no judgment to take on bite-sized pieces of the process with you — even if just to sit with you for a couple of hours while you go through a box or two. The person will feel like they’ve been a useful part of a very hard experience, and you won’t easily forget their support either.

3. Physical boundaries are your friend

In a process that has no real rules, knowing that you have certain boundaries that will keep you anchored can be liberating and grounding. When it comes to thinking through what items you can physically keep in your own home, consider purchasing a set number of airtight bins that will comfortably fit in your storage area. Creating limits may help you make some difficult choices more easily.

4. Categorize, categorize, categorize

how to declutter with antique pocket watch with Victorian items

Try to make a delineation between “stuff” and true memorabilia. Perhaps your dad’s coffee mug carries no emotional weight, but his marked-up trail map or photos from the Peace Corps do. Look at the items you want to go through and decide which ones are mere “things” and which are unique to your person. Set aside a premium pile of things to either keep or give to family members or friends, and another that might be able to do some good for someone you don’t even know. You don’t have to make a final decision right away (and you might even end up switching some items as time goes by), but categorizing as you go can help things become more clear.

5. Pace yourself

Unless you have to go through belongings in a short period of time, allow yourself to work in small increments. Taking the pressure off when decision-making stakes feel high is so important. Pace yourself and go step by step to keep up your energy and stay focused.

You may find it easier to sort by category one at a time — say, books, music, clothing, or appliances — so you can assess each category and select the most meaningful and precious items from each group. And remember, there’s nothing wrong with shoving everything into a bunch of boxes and putting them in storage until you are ready to sit and process.

6. Give things to those who will appreciate them

Chances are you won’t be able to — or even want to — hold onto everything left behind. You can also be sure that other people in your life would emotionally benefit from being able to receive some of those things. Make a list of everyone connected to your person who might have an interest in having something, and then let them choose what they want in a structured way.

One option is to take photos of everything you are willing to part with, and send a blanket email to your inner circle asking people to tell you what they’d want and offering to ship it to them. Another is to set a time to invite people to visit your home and look at everything using a sticker system as a visual code to “claim” things they really care about (ie, “red” means someone really wants an item, “yellow” is a nice to have). If you’re lucky, you won’t have any conflict over any items (and if you do, make it clear that you reserve the right to hold onto them until you make a final decision…remember the part about pacing yourself?) Then, donate whatever is left over.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Coping With the Loss of Dad on Father’s Day

Father’s Day can be an emotionally charged holiday if you’ve recently lost your dad.

Even if your father died some time ago, various life circumstances can make the day difficult, according to Florida-based clinical psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a member of 1-800-Flowers.com’s Connectivity Council and author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of your Anxiety.”

“For example, if you had a rough year and it would be a great time to lean on your dad and get his advice, or maybe you had a kid, it can stir up that need for him,” Carmichael says. “You might feel that absence differently in different years. That is completely normal and expected.”

If, due to a recent or more prolonged loss, you’re not quite sure how to approach Father’s Day this year, these eight suggestions can help you cope with your grief — and also celebrate your father’s memory.

loss of dad on fathers day son at grave

1. Do something your dad loved

If you plan to engage in an activity you and your father often enjoyed together — like, say, playing golf at his favorite course — you may, Carmichael says, want to invite someone to join you or plan an event afterward, such as lunch with a sibling. That way, you have some support if the day triggers sad feelings.

“It could be bittersweet,” she says. “The benefit of at least being aware of those feelings is then we can address them.”

2. Utilize mementos

Putting a photo of your father or other memorable items on display during Father’s Day weekend can serve as a reminder of your time together — and ensure he’s included in the holiday, Carmichael says.

“Sometimes seeing his face and having a way to recognize him can feel soothing,” she says. “[It’s a] a small behavioral way of marking that memory.”

3. Be grateful for parental guidance

Dr. George Everly, a professor in the Department of International Health at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, says viewing the loss of his father more than a decade ago as a milestone in life’s overall journey — a mindset his father imparted on him — has helped him focus on the positive aspects of their relationship.

“I miss him every day,” Everly says. “What I do when I find myself going down that rabbit hole is quickly shift and think of all the things he brought into my life rather than all the things I should have said or done. Within a heartbeat, my mood changes.”

“Celebrate the time you had together rather than mourning the time you won’t have.”

Dr. George Everly, psychologist and professor, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health

Sometimes, Carmichael says, Father’s Day-related feelings of loss can be rooted in a yearning for the sense of protection or wisdom a father brings — which writing down, or even just mentally listing, a few things you learned from your dad can help you recapture.

4. Honor your dad through service

Volunteering for a cause your father cared about, or even one that just matters to you, can shift the day’s emphasis from what you’ve lost to contributing something positive.

“You can be doing it directly in memory of your dad, to carry out work that mattered to him — or just to keep your own grief and pain in perspective and stay focused on the community around you,” Carmichael says.

5. Reminisce with family

Organizing a group gathering can help stave off feelings of loneliness if you can’t spend Father’s Day with your dad.

A video call, where everyone shares a memory or story, could be cathartic if people can’t physically get together, Carmichael suggests.

“In some cases, it feels better to grieve with other people,” she says. “It doesn’t necessarily have to be sad; it can be with laughter and positivity.”

loss of dad on fathers day comfort

6. Acknowledge other father figures

Instead of concentrating on your father’s absence, consider using Father’s Day as an opportunity to thank a male family member or other acquaintance for being a source of support.

“Telling them you’d like to spend some time with them around the holiday — or even just mailing a card that says ‘I appreciate you being in my life’ — is going to be seen as a compliment,” Carmichael says. “And it can help you remember that, although your father is gone, there are other fatherly people around you.”

7. Express your emotions — or go offline

Posting a commemorative message on social media could make you feel supported, Carmichael says, if friends and followers comment on what you’ve shared.

If, however, seeing the deluge of other Father’s Day posts would be a painful reminder of your loss, staying off social media might be a good idea.

“There’s a potential landmine there,” Everly says. “People will be posting these marvelous pictures of their father and saying, ‘We’re having a great day with Dad.’ If your dad passed away, [you’ll be] seeing that and saying, ‘I don’t have a dad to do that with.'”

8. Make other plans

If, ultimately, you think Father’s Day may be completely overwhelming, planning a trip out of town or another unrelated activity is fine, Everly says.

“A lot of times [people] anticipate it will be a problem and either embrace it or do the opposite, and do something that takes their mind off it. Either one is OK,” he says. “There’s been a myth in psychology for over 100 years that says you’ve got to experience the pain. You don’t.”

As Father’s Day approaches, you may not be able to completely avoid feelings of loss. You can, however, focus on what you’re able to control — including your reaction to those feelings.

“Sometimes the healing process can be accelerated by having a talk with yourself,” Everly says. “Celebrate the time you had together rather than mourning the time you won’t have.”

Sympathy Ad

Grieving and Healing After Profound Loss

June is known for many things in the United States: the end of school, the transition to summer, graduations, and, of course, Father’s Day. But while so much of the marketing would suggest that Father’s Day is centered on happy celebrations, this day can also be charged with mixed emotions, including sadness, longing, and other symptoms of grief. The more we talk openly about how holidays such as this contain a variety of feelings, the more we can get comfortable with supporting each other through them.

Light After Loss Episode 22: Healing and Grieving after Profound Loss

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Colin Campbell, an Academy Award-nominated writer and director for theater and film. In the summer of 2018, Colin and his wife, Gail, were hit by a speeding drunk driver. Their two teenage children, Ruby (who was 17) and Hart (who was 14), were in the backseat and did not survive. Colin’s new book, “Finding the Words: Working Through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose,” aims to help people find ways to express their grief so that they can live more fully while also holding their loved ones close.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

What should people say to someone who is grieving?

A common misconception is that the role of a supporter is to fix whatever pain the griever is going through. But people should feel relieved of that burden because they don’t need to solve that problem (for which there is no solution anyway). Supporters merely need to figure out how they can articulate that they are there for that person, that they care about them, and that, if pertinent, they loved the person that has died.

How can we feel less isolated in our grief?

grieving with women supporting grieving friend

Community is so important in grief. There’s a stereotype that when someone in your life dies, you’re supposed to enter your grief cave and come out whenever you’re ready. In reality, being with others is imperative. For example, I felt that the Jewish tradition of shiva, when the entire community is supposed to come and sit with the mourner for seven straight nights, was extremely comforting. My initial instinct was to retreat, because the grief over my children was so painful. But then I realized that my pain was coming from love, and that it would be a lot more helpful for me to feel held by a community and be able to share stories and feel seen than to be alone.

Grievers should also try to figure out how to tell the people in their life what they need as support. Most people want to provide meaningful support — they just don’t know how.

How can partners who are grieving together help each other?

After our children died, my wife and I clung to each other; after all, we were the only ones who understood our particular loss. But there can be strength in having different responses. As time went on, we found that sometimes we’d be on the same emotional page. Other times, one of us might feel full of despair while the other one was in a different place, say, remembering a beautiful and comforting memory — and that person was the one who’d take the lead in helping the other through the tough moment.

Elderly spouses hug look at window meet twilight years together

What role do kindness and joy play in personal grief?

When we are grieving, it can be easy to forget to take care of and be compassionate to ourselves. It can also be easy to get caught up in cycles of regret or self-criticism. But those thoughts can be very punishing. While sometimes the very idea of allowing ourselves to feel joy and pleasure can be difficult in grief, it’s an enormously important thing to try to let in. Feeling joy — even the fleeting moments — and reminding ourselves that we are simply humans going through something very universal can help counteract the hardness we place on ourselves and help us avoid mental and emotional burnout.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How to Cope With the Loss of a Pet

Typically, to love a pet is to lose a pet. But even though these animals tend to have much shorter lifespans than humans, we choose to have them because of the deep bond we form with them and the unconditional love they provide. And with 70 percent of American households — or about 85 million homes — owning a pet, according to the American Pet Products Association, the majority of us understand these benefits firsthand.

Most pet owners have such a deep relationship with their pets that when they lose one, the emotions they feel can be profound and hard to put into words. But dealing with the loss of a pet is no different, or less important, than remembering a person who has left us.

Light After Loss Episode 20: Coping With the Loss of a Pet

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with E.B. Bartels, author of “Good Grief: On Loving Pets, Here and Hereafter,” a narrative nonfiction book about loving and losing animals. Here are some key moments from their conversation.

What are some things can we do for ourselves after the loss of a pet?

  1. Legitimize your feelings. A lot of people internalize the comments we frequently hear (“It’s just a dog”) and end up trying to talk themselves out of the deep grief they are feeling by saying “It’s not like it was a family member or a friend.” Losing a pet is as legitimate a loss as any other, and so, just as with all other types of grief, don’t “should” yourself, or try stifle or contain it.
loss of a pet with looking at photos of dog
  1. Ask people to witness your grief. It can feel good to go through your memories and curate an album to share online. This gives you time to create some space to reflect on the relationship. Once you do this, ask people to share their own memories of your animal — you may get stories that you might never have learned about. And consider turning the album into a printed scrapbook. (This is also a great way to help kids process their grief.)
  2. Reach out and connect with other people who get it — even online. On the third Sunday of each month, Perfect Paws Pet Ministry hosts a Zoom gathering with people all over the world to celebrate and remember their pets.

What are some mourning rituals we can do for our pets?

There aren’t a lot of set rituals for mourning pets, which is both good and bad. On the one hand, it can feel uncomfortable after the loss of a pet if you don’t know what to do. On the other, this can free us up to figure out what feels right for us.

Here are five ideas for how to mourn a pet.

  1. Adapt the rituals you might do for a human death to your pet: have a wake, sit shiva, or even ask friends to come by the night before an animal is euthanized to say goodbye.
  2. If you have other pets in the house, let them see your pet after it has died. This allows them to process what has happened and say their own goodbyes. It’s also important for them to view your grief and sit with you during it.
loss of a pet with woman holding small dog
  1. Spend time with other animals. As any pet owner knows, this can be very therapeutic. Petting dogs release oxytocin in the brain, and even watching fish can lower your blood pressure.
  2. Consider burying your pet in a pet cemetery (or, at least, making a habit of visiting them wherever you are to feel close to your animal). No animal is buried in a pet cemetery out of obligation; rather, they are there because of the people who want to celebrate them even in death. You can leave offerings like squeaky toys, their favorite food, or even an old shoe they used to love gnawing on. Wherever you travel around the world, you can visit a pet cemetery and feel the same love others felt for their pets that you felt for yours.
  3. Write an obituary. This healing exercise can help you process your emotions and put all your favorite memories in one place, so that years from now you have something to go back and read. This is another good activity to do with children.

How can we help those who have not experienced the loss of a pet better understand what we’re going through?

loss of a pet with photo of dog and urn

Ask that person to remember what if felt like to experience a hard loss in their life, be it a breakup, divorce, or death. Even if they can’t imagine being so attached to a cat, for example, it will make it easier for them to put themselves in the pet griever’s shoes.

What should we do about people around us who aren’t helpful in our grief?

Don’t waste time trying to convince someone of your grief who doesn’t want to try to understand. Millions of people around the world are open to connecting with each other through the love and loss of their pets. (And remember to extend that mindset to people who don’t “get it” with other types of grief, too.)

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Navigating Holidays and Anniversaries in the First Year of Grief

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Holidays and anniversaries are often times of happiness and celebration, but for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, these occasions can be painful and overwhelming. This is especially true during the first anniversary of a death, as you adjust to life without your loved one by your side.

“The aftermath of loss is hard and often debilitating ,” says Melissa Lunardini, head of bereavement for Help Texts, which offers grief and mental health support through text messages. When we lose someone, a world that once made sense feels completely foreign to us, and we find ourselves anxiously seeking out a grief map.

With the right advice and reassurance, though, you can navigate holidays and anniversaries in the first year of grief. Lunardini will show you how.

Go in with a plan

While a standard grief map doesn’t exist, grievers do share common patterns, Lundardini says, and knowing which one we are can help us navigate upcoming dates in ways that feel most meaningful to us. These patterns are separated into three grief styles: intuitive, instrumental, and blended.

Intuitive grievers, Lunardini explains, tend to talk more openly about their emotions, and seek out people and places where they can express those feelings. If this grieving style feels most natural to you, consider seeking out holiday support groups and communicating with friends and family early on about how you might want to approach significant dates.

Instrumental grievers, on the other hand, are less likely to show their emotions outwardly but tend to be more action oriented when processing grief. On the anniversary of a death, for example, you may want to create a memorial for your person or plant a garden of their favorite flowers. For holidays, you may decide to bake your loved one’s favorite Christmas cake, or keep with other traditions.

Blended grievers, as the name suggests, are people who pull from both styles. Taking time to understand where we find comfort and identifying our particular adaptive grief style can help us find positive ways to approach the holidays and other difficult dates.

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Make space for self-compassion

With an important date on the horizon, it’s common, Lunardini says, to feel anxious and uncertain. We might even start to engage in self-criticizing behavior, especially if we’re not feeling up to celebrating or partaking in usual activities.

To counter this, she recommends practicing self-compassion. “Treat yourself as gently as you treat a newly grieving friend. Speak kindly to yourself, reassure yourself, and give yourself permission for the day to look and feel different.”

One such technique she recommends is called the “morning pause.” As you wake up, take a minute or two to pause. Breathe deeply for a few breaths, do a full body stretch, and say something kind and motivating to yourself, such as “Whatever I am able to do today is enough” or “I can do hard things” or “Whatever comes my way today, I can handle it.”

Practice self-care

As holidays approach, grievers can notice an increase in physical, emotional, behavioral, social, and spiritual reactions, which can increase in intensity the closer it gets to the actual day, Lunardini explains. Self-care is another coping technique that can help make these intense surges of grief feel more manageable.

This may include scheduling downtime for yourself, journaling, going for a walk, or practicing breathing techniques like the “physiological sigh,” a proven exercise that helps the body calm down quickly.

There is no right or wrong way to handle your first holiday, but it is always helpful to remember that you can adjust expectations in real time by making choices and setting limits based on what you need at the moment.

Melissa Lunardini, head of bereavement for Help Texts

To try the physiological sigh, take two short inhales through the nose, followed by one long exhale through the mouth. Make sure that your exhale is longer than your short inhales, and repeat this three times.

Self-care also extends beyond the immediate self. “Part of self-care is also letting your support network understand what is coming up for you so that they can also increase their support for you during this time,” Lunardini says.

Adjust expectations

Adjusting expectations means simply acknowledging that this holiday or occasion will be different while also recognizing that you have choices. To many, that means deciding whether to keep with tradition or create a new one.

Perhaps you typically attend a brunch to honor your mother on Mother’s Day, but this will be the first year without her. “Her absence creates space for you to make choices and control what you already know will be a hard day emotionally,” Lunardini explains. You might choose to do something in her honor, start a new tradition, pack the day full, or skip it entirely.

“There is no right or wrong way to handle your first holiday, but what is always helpful is to remember that you can just adjust expectations in real time by making choices and setting limits based on what you need at the moment.”

Lunardini offers one final piece of advice if a day starts to feel overwhelming: Use the STOPP technique. “STOPP” stands for:

  • Stop what you’re doing.
  • Take a breath.
  • Observe what is going on inside your body and in your environment.
  • Pivot or proceed.

Determine if you can and want to resume your activity — or if it’s simply time to take a break and rest.

How Storytelling Can Help Us Deal With the Hard Issues

Since the beginning of time, women have played an indispensable role in capturing and reflecting on the human experience, from the earliest storytellers to pioneering journalists, artists, and teachers who have shaped generations of minds.

Any woman who has something to say, and says it, can have a huge impact on how we look at the important things in life. And, so, we dedicated our “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode to women storytellers and how they can strengthen our connection with one another.

Light After Loss Episode 19: Listening to Women's Voices: The Impact of Storytelling

Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Stephanie Wittels Wachs, cofounder and chief creative officer of Lemonada Media and host of “Last Day,” a podcast that talks about mass epidemics in a frank and often humorous way. Here are some key moments from their conversation.

Why did Wachs create Lemonada Media?

Wachs’ brother, Harris Wittels, was a comedian and writer on “Parks and Recreation” and “Master of None.” He also struggled with opioid addiction and died from an overdose in early 2014.

storytelling with lemonada media founders Robyn Von Swank
Lemonada Media cofounders Stephanie Wittels Wachs (right) and Jessica Cordova Kramer. (Photo by Robyn Von Swank)

When her brother shared his addiction with her, Wachs felt like a bomb had been dropped on her house. She became overwhelmed by the shame and stigma around addiction, around losing her brother as she knew him, seeing him go in and out of rehab, and realizing there was nothing she and her family, or even a doctor, could do to actually make him better — the disease was just too powerful. The entire experience was incredibly isolating.

Wachs cofounded Lemonada with Jessica Cordova Kramer, a podcast producer she met and bonded with quickly over the fact that her brother also died of an overdose. They created the company to let others who are in similar situations know how important it is to talk about what they’re going through — and not just their problems but solutions too. As Wachs says, “Just sitting on your hands while your person drowns in front of you and you can’t find a life jacket is completely unacceptable.”

Why is it important to tell stories about difficult issues?

Lemonada offers an enormous breadth of programming, covering everything from opioid addiction to grief, sex to burnout, and the tough realities of motherhood to how we, as a community, can raise good kids. Wachs, Kramer, and their staff come up with the ideas for their shows by thinking about what is truly keeping people awake at night and creating the type of content people need to hear that will help them get out of bed in the morning. The goal is to show that certain situations are really hard, but also to educate listeners about what can make those situations a little easier.

Sometimes, merely listening to a show about an issue you are struggling with can make you feel better about your situation. Doing this can allow you to see yourself in that story and make you realize you aren’t alone, and can also help create more empathy in how you regard people with whom you think you have little in common. When we hear stories about people who we believe aren’t like us, we start to realize how, despite our political and cultural divides, many of us struggle with the same things.

storytelling with woman listening to podcast

How can we share stories in meaningful and impactful ways?

We think of storytelling as being this lofty endeavor for people who have large platforms. But by just sharing your story and observing your experience, you can inspire someone who listens to it while opening yourself to connections that are powerful and healing.

When Wachs’ brother died, she published a personal essay about her experience online. To her surprise, she found an enormous amount of solace from the responses of readers who had experienced that same kind of sorrow. It helped her realize that she preferred to talk to people who had her lived experience, and not necessarily people she knew.

Wachs encourages people to simply write or talk to someone in order to start processing how they’re feeling and what they’d like to do about it. When we go through something difficult, we often feel more comfortable speaking with people who have a certain level of shared experience or who can listen in a completely unbiased way: in a grief group, with an acquaintance who gets it…even with our pets! Everyone has a story worth sharing.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Grief During the Holidays: How to Remember a Loved One Through Meaningful Conversations

Dealing with loss is difficult any time of year, but it can be especially rough during the holiday season, when the absence of your person can seem even more pronounced. And when we feel that absence so sharply, we need to find ways to talk about that individual to keep their memories present — even, and especially, amid the holiday revelry.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Steve Leder, the senior rabbi at Wilshire Boulevard Temple in Los Angeles and author of the books “For You When I’m Gone” and “The Beauty of What Remains.” Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Light After Loss: Remembering Loved Ones through Meaningful Conversations

Our family holiday event is approaching, but nobody is talking about the person we lost. What should I do?

If you’re worried that your loved one is being forgotten, then it may very well be up to you to start the conversation. And make sure, too, that you plan how you’re going to bring the person up: Talking out loud about someone who died does not usually happen by accident, and that’s especially true during festive times.

What people regret most are typically not the things they’ve done but the things they haven’t done. Figuring out ways to deliberately address our grief during the holidays can help us structure the chaos of feelings and the pain of loss so that they don’t silently fester and go unacknowledged. And putting thought into the process can help everyone prepare both emotionally and psychologically for the moment.

Here are some ideas for how to talk with family and friends around the holidays about someone who is no longer with you.

  • “Mom, how about we have Dad’s favorite dessert for Thanksgiving this year?”
  • “Hey everyone, at dinner later tonight, let’s all take a moment and go around the table and share a favorite holiday memory of our person/their funniest joke/their best advice. Anyone who wants to take a pass can do so.”
  • “When we open presents later tonight, can we take a moment to share the best gift we ever gave our person/they gave to us?”

How can I let others know that I need extra support during the holidays?

grief during the holidays with woman grieving

It’s hard to reach out for help when what we really want is for people to intuitively know we need it. But if you do, you will likely be comforted by the responses you receive in the form of memories that you might not ordinarily have had access to. That said, try your best to only be around people who make you feel supported and comfortable.

Consider saying to someone (or a group, via email): “This is a really painful time of year, and I miss my person. I know the holidays are busy for everyone, but would you mind sharing a story or two about them with me?”

Then, you can provide the prompt. For example:

  • “When did you see my person at their happiest?”
  • “What was the most embarrassing thing they ever did?”
  • “What brought my person joy?”
  • “What do you think my person would say to us now?”

Go on a mental vacation with friends and family

Only human beings can live in two dimensions of time at the same moment. We can remember the past and bring it into the present, and by extension carry it into the future. The holidays, when we tend to gather with loved ones — all of whom may be experiencing their own versions of grief over your person — are a perfect time to remember together, and even find joy and humor over slightly diverging memories. Consider inviting people to go on a mental vacation with you, and, ideally, letting them know in advance that you’d like to do this activity.

Here are three ideas for what to say.

  • “What was the greatest vacation you ever took with your person?”
  • “Did they ever talk to you about their romance? Where was their first kiss?”
  • “Do you remember when they graduated/got married/what they were like as a new parent? Tell us about that.”
grief during the holidays with family sitting around table talking

If you really don’t want around others, avoid unnecessary social interaction

Memory is beautiful, but it can also really hurt. Year One in grief is not the best time to attend massive parties and celebrations. Unsurprisingly, doing that may only exacerbate the pain. If you need some time to yourself during the holidays, take it without apology. This is where saying no is actually saying yes to something that nourishes you emotionally. Saying no to being at a party with happy people gorging on food and drink can also mean saying yes to a long walk with your closest friend, or sitting on a blanket and a cup of tea, or volunteering to help those less fortunate than you.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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