Sympathy Archives

How to Write an Obituary

Writing an obituary can be an overwhelming task during an already difficult time —especially if you’ve never written one. Even if you have, you may feel pressure to come up with the words that perfectly encapsulate the spirit of the person who has recently passed.

This is the final word on a person’s life. You want it done right.

jane lerner

Owner, Lives Lived

An obituary needs to, at minimum, communicate the death of a loved one and announce information about the funeral and visitation services. But it also can tell the story of the deceased in a way that allows family and friends to honor their life.

“A well-written obituary is a short story about a person’s life, a story as rich and interesting as the person it describes,” says Jane Lerner, owner of Lives Lived, a professional obituary writing service. “The story should capture the essence of an individual — joys, sorrows, triumphs, and milestones. A good obituary should illustrate how much the person meant to others.”

An obituary is different than a eulogy. A eulogy is a speech given at the wake or funeral in praise of the deceased; an obituary appears in print or online and serves as an announcement of a person’s death as well as provides a few important details about his or her life and accomplishments.

Before you write an obituary

The first thing you should do before sitting down and writing an obituary is collecting facts about the deceased. Lerner says to ask the people who knew the deceased best, including their spouse, siblings, children, and friends. “I find when interviewing people to get information for the obituary that the spouse — if there is one — is usually the best source,” Lerner says. “Often, families will designate one child as the source for information. Others in the family will feed memories to the designated person, who will use them to craft the obituary.”

how to write an obituary with a middle-aged son talking to his uncle

How to start an obituary

The traditional way to start an obituary is with a basic announcement of your loved one’s death. For example: “Gary Robinson died May 23, 2022, at his home in Glendale, Arizona. He was 87 years old.”

But you can also be creative. Lerner suggests starting with an anecdote, such as the example below, to help bring the person to life.

“As a young man growing up in a modest Cleveland family, Gary Robinson knew he had to rely on his own abilities to get ahead. He muscled his way into a wrestling scholarship at Ohio State University, where he was captain of the team and studied finance. That experience, along with his hard work and tenacious drive, helped him launch a distinguished business career and made him a role model for others in his field.”

What to include in an obituary

how to write an obituary with a pensive-looking woman sitting at home on her couch

In addition to an announcement of death, all obituaries should include a few main parts:

Basic details (full name, age, birthday, place of birth) and biographical information about the deceased
Names of family members (both living and deceased), starting with the closest relatives (spouse, children, children’s spouses), and then listing additional family (parents, grandparents, grandchildren, siblings, etc.) in order of birth.
Funeral information

Below are examples of each section of an obituary.

Basic details and biographical information

Caleb Romano, age 78, passed away peacefully on Thursday, June 2, in his Hollywood, Florida, home. Caleb was born on February 27, 1944, to Joseph and Isabella (Rossi) Romano, in Pembroke Park, Florida. He was a 1966 graduate of the University of South Carolina, where he studied education. On May 11, 1969, he married Martina Amato at Grace Fellowship Church in West Palm Beach. He was a professor at DeVry University for 40 years, where he was respected by students and staff for his knowledge and sense of humor.

Names of family members

Caleb is survived by his wife, Martina; his son, Nicholas; his daughter, Mia; his brothers, Lucas and Marco; and many nieces, nephews, and cousins. He was preceded in death by his parents and sister.

Funeral information

Family, friends, and others whose lives Caleb touched are invited to the Landmark Funeral Home at 4200 Hollywood Boulevard in Hollywood, Florida, from 4–7 p.m. on Thursday, June 9, 2022, to reminisce, grieve, and support each other.

how to write an obituary with a couple grieving at a funeral

Because an obituary serves as a historical document, consider including details that could be helpful for future generations, such as maiden names and place of death. “Obituaries often become treasured documents handed down through the generations,” Lerner says.

What not to include in an obituary

Writing an obituary is an emotional experience, and most families prefer to paint the most positive picture possible of the deceased. For that reason, it’s best to leave any unfortunate circumstances or issues in the deceased’s life out of the obituary.

“I advise people to take the high road,” Lerner says. If there’s an estranged sibling, for example, mention that person as a survivor.” Another tip from Lerner is not to make any political statements in an obituary. Years from now, someone reading it will probably not understand the reference.

“Be sensitive about other thorny issues that arise in families,” Lerner says. “An obituary is no place for family squabbles.”

If you were particularly close to the person about whom you are writing the obituary, the task might be too much for you to bear. In that instance, Lerner suggests hiring a professional obituary writer to help you. “Remember, this is the final word on a person’s life,” she says. “You want it done right.”

Publishing your obituary

Lerner says an obituary should be available in print or online as soon after the death as possible. “Most funeral homes and crematoriums have websites where you can publish the obituary at no additional cost,” Lerner says. From there, you can copy the link and share it via email or social media.

An obituary is a heartfelt way to remember someone who played an important role in your life and the lives of others. More than simply a death announcement, it’s an opportunity to recount a loved one’s life story while bringing comfort to those who will keep them alive in their hearts.

What to Send for a Cremation Service

As recently as a decade ago, Americans preferred traditional burials of their loved ones over cremation. But in 2015, according to the National Funeral Directors Association, the rate of cremation surpassed that of burial for the first time, and the gap has been widening ever since.

This shift means more people are attending cremation services than ever before, which has left many wondering what an appropriate gift is for a cremation service. But before providing answers to that question, we first need to explain what guests should expect at this type of service.

What happens at a cremation service?

The biggest difference between a cremation service and traditional burial is the lack of a casket at the former, explains Alison Johnston, CEO and co-founder of Ever Loved, a tech company that helps families plan and pay for funerals.

But there’s more to it than that.

“These services tend to focus on celebrating the impact that the person had, as opposed to mourning the loss,” she says.

a photo of cremation services with a toast at a restaurant

Cremation services traditionally occur at funeral homes or places of worship, but the locations are becoming more personalized as families opt for casual celebrations of life. “They often take place in a favorite location, like a park or restaurant, and families often ask attendees not to wear black,” she explains.

During the service, friends and family may gather around to share stories, offer up a prayer, raise a toast, or plant a tree in memory of the deceased.

This personalization and shift toward the celebration of life aren’t the only reasons for the increase in this method of disposition. “Cremation is more affordable, more environmentally friendly, and offers more flexibility to the family of the deceased,” Johnston says.

The specifics of a cremation service also vary based on cultural, religious, and personal preferences. If you’ve been invited to one and are unsure about the tone of the service, check the memorial announcement or obituary, or ask someone who is close to the family, Johnston suggests.

Once you have a better understanding of the type of service you will be attending, you can let this knowledge help guide your gifting. Here are some ideas of where to start.

Flowers for cremation services

When you’re unsure of what to give, sending flowers is a nice gesture for cremation services, Johnston explains, especially when the arrangement can be later displayed in a family member’s home.

a photo of cremation services with funeral flowers around an urn

Roses, chrysanthemums, freesias, dahlias, and orchids are common flower types appropriate for a cremation service. You can choose specific flowers based on their meaning, or, if you had a close relationship with the deceased, you might want to send a bouquet of their favorite color, such as a calming lavender or bright yellow arrangement.

If you didn’t know the deceased person well, a classic and elegant arrangement is always appropriate. White calla lilies are an excellent choice, as is a bouquet of hand-gathered white flowers.

Also, keep in mind that the immediate family purchases the cremation spray (a wreath-like arrangement that envelopes the urn), so it’s advisable to opt for a beautiful bouquet instead.

Remembrance gifts

Remembrance gifts are long-lasting tokens that can be placed in the home or garden and are excellent options to send for a cremation service. These gifts are meant to comfort the bereaved while honoring the deceased.

photo of calla lilies for sympathy — White Rose & Calla Lily Bouquet for Sympathy

photo of remembrance candle — In Memory of a Life So Beautifully Lived Candle

A plaque, tapestry blanket, or engrave d clock are just a few of the many options available. If the deceased loved the outdoors, wind chimes or garden stones are a nice way to celebrate their life. Another option is a living memorial, such as a memorial garden or remembrance peace plant, that will flourish and provide comfort for years to come.

Some remembrance gifts are also faith-inspired. Depending on the religion, you may want to send a memory cross or sentiment angel. No matter what you decide, sending the gift to the funeral home or directly to the bereaved is appropriate.

Curated food baskets

Another way to show your support to the bereaved family is to send a curated sympathy basket. This helps relieve some of the burden of shopping and preparing food during this difficult time. Popular choices include a fruit basket, bakery tray, or comforting sympathy meal.

In this case, it’s best to send the gift to the home, either before or after the cremation service. This is an excellent option if you can’t attend the service, live far away, or simply want to show your support in a different way.

When in doubt, Johnston recommends taking a cue from those nearest to the deceased.

“Pay attention to any preferences shared by the family alongside details about the service.” And if the family requests no physical gifts, you might consider other options such as donating to a good cause in memory of the deceased or simply doing a favor for a family member to help them while they’re grieving.

The Grieving Brain: Why Grief Is a Natural Reaction to Loss

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

Struggling deeply after loss is a perfectly natural thing. And questioning why we are struggling is also normal. But having an insight into the scientific perspective on this universal experience can make us realize that there’s nothing “wrong” with us for feeling like grief is hard.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about practical knowledge that can help us better understand what happens when we grieve and how to navigate loss with more ease and grace. She was joined by Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona. O’Connor directs the Grief, Loss and Social Stress Lab, which investigates the effects of grief on the brain and the body.

Light After Loss: The Grieving Brain and How We Learn From Love & Loss

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:

What is the difference between ‘grief’ and ‘grieving’?

Grief is the natural human reaction to loss; it’s all the feelings and reactions in a moment, the ferocious wave that knocks you off your feet. It feels awful in a way that you didn’t anticipate and potentially makes you think that you won’t get through it.

Grieving is the changing of your experience over time. After a while, the feelings may still be awful, but people can come to recognize the waves and know that as hard as they are to endure, they will probably get through them. In short, the feeling can be the same, but you can change your experience with that feeling over time.

We are each the expert on our own grief

There is no one right way to do grief. Of course, it can be helpful to seek out research and listen to grief “experts,” but it’s only necessary to take away what actually resonates with and helps us. At the end of the day, not everything that we read or see will relate to our own personal experience.

How does the brain handle grief?

Our brain is set up to expect that our loved ones will show up again. The brain is a prediction machine. If you’ve been with someone for a while, it’s not a good prediction that they won’t be there tomorrow, and it could take us a long time to get used to their absence after they die.

Grief is the natural human reaction to loss; it’s all the feelings and reactions in a moment, the ferocious wave that knocks you off your feet.

For example, when you say your morning goodbyes before heading to work, typically there’s no doubt in your mind that you will see that person again. The time and space of keeping track of our close loved ones is something that our brain devotes a lot of time and space to doing. In the unusual situation when a person dies, the brain’s answer is, “If they’re not here, go find them.”

It’s very hard for the brain to understand that there is no longer a map to get to that person. That’s why we can pick up the phone to call someone and remember afterward that they won’t answer. There’s no need to be hard on yourself for doing this; that’s just how the brain works. All of the habits we have continue to stick around for a very long time. This is how our brain learns what’s going on.

Neurologically, what happens with our emotions in grief?

All of the chemicals in our brain – dopamine, oxytocin, cortisol – are trying to motivate us to stay in touch with our loved ones. In daily life, this makes a lot of sense (you don’t want to forget to pick your daughter up from school). All of that neurochemistry is motivating and driving us to maintain our relationships, so all of the emotions – the guilt, grief, anger over the situation and at them – come about because that person is so important to us. That doesn’t change the first day after they die. We have to learn how to integrate that experience into our ongoing life.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversations about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How to Support Grieving Friends During the Holidays and Beyond

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

We can always do better when someone we care about is dealing with loss. And what better time to start talking about this than during the winter holiday season, a period laden with celebrations, twinkly lights, presents … and tough times.

A lot of people around us are struggling, even if they don’t look like it. At the very least, it’s a bittersweet time of year for many.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about practical ways in which we can support our friends, relatives, colleagues, and even neighbors who might be struggling during this season and beyond. She was joined by Mekel Harris, a psychologist who specializes in grief and loss-related trauma.

Navigating and Cultivating Friendship in the Wake of Loss

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:

Compassion = caring + action

You might care a lot, but that won’t make a difference until you pair it with action. And the action doesn’t have to be anything heroic; it can be as easy as checking someone’s mailbox or dropping off some food. Consider your relationship with the grieving person and the extent of your connection. Wherever you fall – be it a best friend, colleague, neighbor – there is always some small, tangible action that you can take. Figure out what that is and do it.

Pre-game your support before a celebration

If you know that a grieving person in your life will be at an event you’re attending, get in touch with them in advance. Make it clear that you can be a point person for anything they need. For example, come up with a signal or phrase that they can use if they’re having a tough time, or offer to leave with them at any moment, or step out for a breather together. Doing so creates a sense of accountability for you and makes them feel like they don’t have to “get through” it alone.

It’s OK to admit this stuff is uncomfortable

Grieving people are fully aware that their presence might be weird for many people around them, and many are nervous about being the “buzz kill” in any setting, especially a festive one. It’s OK to acknowledge to them out loud that the topic is awkward for you: Just naming the elephant in the room can be incredibly powerful.

Avoid doing the thoughtless thing that many of us think is thoughtful

The worst thing you can do is nothing at all. People need to be seen, heard, and validated, which is especially true in the face of loss. Witnessing grief is a powerful thing.

Sometimes we naturally try to avoid a topic that is upsetting to us – i.e., grief – because it makes us uncomfortable. We tell ourselves that we will just make the griever uncomfortable because we will be reminding them of something painful. But bringing up someone’s loss during a time of celebrations won’t trigger any particular memory for that person. On the contrary, the chances are overwhelming that they are already thinking about their loved one.

Go with this instead: “Hey, I see that this may be a hard time for you….” Without suggesting anything, this simple phrase opens the door to a conversation.

Keep trying

Nobody has grief figured out. It’s OK to learn along the way; you are not tasked with being the “end all, be all” in that person’s grief journey. And just because someone doesn’t want to accept your invitation to dinner or a holiday event one week doesn’t mean they will always decline. Keep at it and keep showing you care. The other person will always remember that you tried.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Ways to Support Yourself and Others Experiencing Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

An estimated 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. In the United States, nearly 25,000 babies are stillborn each year, and more than 20,000 infants die shortly after birth. Chances are, either you or someone you know has experienced one or all these traumatic losses.

And yet miscarriages and stillbirths are still known as the “silent sorrow.” In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss‘s Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about these excruciating and complicated losses. She was joined by Andrea Syrtash, founder of Pregnantish, a site dedicated to helping people navigate infertility and modern-family building.

As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, the discussion focused on how we can elevate the conversation about what so many families endure worldwide.

Light After Loss: Destigmatizing the 'Silent Sorrow'

Here are some key takeaways:

Why do we do such a poor job of talking about these types of losses in our culture?

Pregnancy and infant loss have been, unfortunately, viewed as a taboo for much of history. In many parts of the world, women are seen in a different light when they have trouble procreating (though 50% of fertility cases are male factors). And so the shame associated with these types of losses can run deep (“What’s wrong with me? “Why isn’t my body working as it should?”)

Yet even the most seemingly perfect-looking family can have its own painful history. The more we start talking about our experiences, the more we can destigmatize the shame that still surrounds them.

Acknowledgment is integral when it comes to emotionally healing from a pregnancy or infant loss.

Many of us tend to distract ourselves with other thoughts because imagining the details of a pregnancy or infant-related loss is so painful. But just because we ignore someone else’s reality, it doesn’t mean they aren’t living it every single day. When we shy away from acknowledging this specific type of loss, we can make someone feel invisible.

How can you make someone feel acknowledged in their loss?

Photo of a woman who recently experienced a pregnancy loss

First, the don’ts: Besides complete silence, there are three words you should avoid when talking to someone suffering a pregnancy or infant loss: “Just,” “should,” and “at least.” Such statements – “At least you got pregnant,” “You should just adopt,” “and “Just think positively,” to name a few examples – only serve to minimize experiences. (And a note on telling someone to think positively: Keep in mind that people in war-torn countries deliver healthy babies every day in a stressed state. Positive thinking can only go so far.) Remember, unsolicited advice should not be your first step.

Now, the dos: The best thing to “say” to someone is to actually listen. Beyond that, feel like you can ask them how they are doing or how you can specifically be helpful during any given moment. Do they need help cleaning their house? Entertaining another child? Help with meals? And just meeting them where they are is powerful: “I’m sorry, that must be so hard” and “I am so sorry this happened to you” can go very far, as can asking someone what their baby’s name is, or what they were thinking of naming them. These children were likely very much alive in a parent’s mind and heart no matter when or how the loss took place. Offer a space where they can talk about them.

There are no Grief Olympics. If it’s hard for you, it’s a valid experience.

Sometimes people get caught up in comparing their grief experiences with those of others (“I’ve only had one miscarriage, but they had a stillbirth”). But heartache is heartache, and this is a defining moment in your life that is worthy of being acknowledged as a deep loss. The grief you are feeling is necessary.

Ways to find community surrounding this specific type of loss.

It always helps to have a few people on your list for when you really need to talk, vent, ask questions, or just lose it for a few minutes.

Social media can be overwhelming, but when it comes to pregnancy and infant loss, it can be a powerful community builder. Hashtags like #miscarriageawareness, #pregnancylossawareness, and #infantlossawareness bring people together to mourn, share, grieve and also access information. There are a lot of questions after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. You may not fully understand why you miscarried or why your baby died.

Beyond the digital realm, it always helps to have a few people on your list for when you really need to talk, vent, ask questions, or just lose it for a few minutes. And oftentimes, they aren’t the obvious ones, such as your best friend. The opportunity for connection with other people who come out of the woodwork for you is vast: a friend of a friend who also had a miscarriage, a clergy person you happened to have a meaningful and helpful conversation with, etc. Once you know you have a few people you can rely on, you don’t need every single person to understand what you’re going through, because you will feel less alone and acknowledged.

Remember that ‘unmet love’ or ‘briefly met love’ is still love.

Just because you never met your baby, or only got to hold them after they were stillborn, or briefly got to know them after they were born, that relationship is still a relationship. You can still love someone that you didn’t fully know, and that’s worthy of respect. Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

What to Write in a Pet Sympathy Card – 25 Ideas and Quotes

The series “Language of Grief” provides inspirational advice and ideas for expressing condolence across a myriad of situations. In this article, we explore pet sympathy card messages and other ideas of what to say to someone who lost a pet.

It’s not easy to know what to say when a friend or family member loses a pet. For many people, their dogs and cats are part of the family. Four-legged companions are incredibly special to their owners, and their passing can have a deep effect on them. When a loved one’s furry friend passes, there are a few things you can do to help ease their pain.

Don’t ask them when they will get another dog or cat – their pet is irreplaceable.

Heather Myers

Owner

Scouting Hope

Whether you’ve been through the loss of a pet or not, it’s important to be there for the griever in any way you can, says Marty Tousley, grief counselor and moderator at Grief Healing Discussion Groups.

“Listen actively,” she says. “Expect to hear the same story over and over again. Repeating is helpful for the griever and acts as a pain reliever. If something similar happened to you, share but don’t compare your experience, and do so only if asked.”

Heather Myers, a licensed veterinary technician and the owner of pet goods shop Scouting Hope, says it’s helpful to keep the griever busy. “Offer them to come for walks with your dog, or to come over and spend time with your dog or cat at your house,” she says. “Making a donation in honor of their pet is also a beautiful thing you can do. Don’t ask them when they will get another dog or cat – their pet is irreplaceable.”

She suggests asking the griever to tell their favorite stories about their furry friend, or for you to share memories of their pet that made you smile.

Another way to help ease the griever’s pain is by writing a sympathy card to let them know you’re thinking of them. “A card, note, or letter expressing sympathy or sorrow over the loss of a pet can be reread many times, and it can bring great comfort for weeks, months, even years afterward,” says Tousley.

Below are 25 pet loss quotes you can use to help your loved one navigate the passing of their beloved companion.

Photo of Heather Myers, an expert on pet sympathy messages, with her dogs Hope and Sailor. — Heather Myers and her dogs, Hope and Sailor

Pet loss quotes to consider for your sympathy card

“[Pet’s name] was always there for you and loved you no matter what. Now that perfect love lives on in your heart. We will miss [pet’s name], too.”
“May [pet’s name]’s love bring you peace, and may the memories you both shared bring comfort to your broken heart. I’m thinking of you at this sad time.”
“Heaven is filled with love, so your [pet’s name] should feel right at home there. You gave him/her such a wonderful home on Earth.”
“No one ever really dies who is remembered with love. May the love you share with [pet’s name] be your comfort now, and may you be soothed by the knowledge that love’s eternal beauty will shine forever in your heart.”
“My heart hurts for you. Sending you a comforting hug.”
“Sending you love while your best friend crosses the rainbow bridge.”

Photo of a memorial to a poodle showcasing one way to express pet sympathy

“[Pet’s name] was such a good dog/cat. You were lucky to have found each other.”
“I am so sorry for your loss. [Pet’s name] will be missed greatly.”
Losing such a big part of your family is never easy. Thinking of you and your family in this difficult time.”
“[Pet’s name] was so lucky to have chosen you. He/she will be greatly missed.”
“May the memories of [pet’s name] bring you comfort during this time of loss.”
“I know how much [pet’s name] meant to you. Sending lots of love during this difficult time.”
“[Pet’s name] was so loved and he’ll/she’ll always be with you in your heart. I’ll never forget the happiness he/she brought everyone he/she met.”
“I’m sorry to hear that [pet’s name] crossed the rainbow bridge. My condolences are with you and your family.”
“[Pet’s name] will always be in your heart. My sincere condolences to you and your family.”
“I can’t imagine the grief you’re feeling after losing [pet’s name]. He/she was a special part of your family and brought so much happiness. Sending love.”
“You are the most amazing pet mom/dad and the bond you had with [pet’s name] will live on forever. I love you and I’m here for you.”
“We share your sorrow. [Pet’s name] was truly an incredible dog/cat.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope the pain in your heart will be eased by the beautiful memories you shared with [pet’s name].”
“I’m so sorry for your loss. [Pet’s name] was a loyal and faithful friend. Keep the memories of him/her safe in your heart.”
“I’m sorry to hear about your furry friend. I know how special he/she was to you.”
“You and [pet’s name] will always be connected. Thinking of you during this difficult time.”
“To lose a true friend is never easy. You’re in my thoughts during this difficult time.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll never forget how sweet [pet’s name] would greet us when we came to visit.”
“I’m so sorry you lost your best friend. [Pet’s name] was such a gentle soul, and now he/she is your angel.”

Show a loving family grieving the loss of a pet that you are thinking about them with one of our pet memorial items. From pet sympathy flowers to pet plaques for the loss of a dog, cat, bird or any other beloved furry friend, your thoughtful gesture will bring light during this dark time.

Pet Memorial Personalized Photo Deluxe Heart Ornament

Paw Prints On My Heart Personalized Heart Keepsake

How to Navigate the Long Arc of Grief

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

As we approach the 20th anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks, grief is weighing heavily on our minds. Many of us are thinking about where we were on that day, remembering lost loved ones, or even just the stories of those who were lost who we felt like we got to know through the news. We might also be thinking about people we love who were with us at that time and are no longer here. The impact of absence plus time is real.

Photo of a woman navigating the long arc of grief after a recent loss.

Grief is not an emotion to pass through on the way to “feeling better” but rather is in constant motion; tidal, easily and often reactivated by memories and sensory events, and is re-triggered as we experience life transitions, anniversaries, and other losses. Whether we want it to or not, our losses get folded into our identities as they develop. They inform our thoughts, hopes, expectations, behaviors and fears.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and Hope Edelman, author of the best-selling “Motherless Daughters” and “The AfterGrief,” talk about creating a new language for how we can describe and discuss the long arc of loss.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:

Grief is a lifelong process but doesn’t have to be a lifelong struggle

It will not feel like it does in the first weeks, months or even the first years. The “AfterGrief,” as Hope refers to it, is the period of time when hope and laughter and meaning can all come back into our lives almost in the same measure as before, and sometimes in an even greater measure. Any major catastrophe in our lives sets into motion a chain of events that otherwise wouldn’t have occurred, and some of those outcomes will be positive ones. That isn’t to say that we are glad that the original event happened; far from it. But this is what is known as “finding meaning” in the wake of a loss.

Learn about “new old grief”

New grief is what we experience right after someone dies or another major loss. Old grief is the recurrent aspect of loss, how it comes around on a cyclical basis on anniversaries, holidays, and of course even just during any time of day. “New old grief” is when we encounter an old loss in a completely new way that we couldn’t have pre-grieved because we couldn’t feel it until we got there. This happens a lot during life transitions: for example, if one of your parents died before you had your own graduations, weddings, or became a parent or had any major milestone, feelings of grief can be re-triggered in a completely new way because it would have been impossible for you to feel this particular aspect of loss until you got there. It can also come up with “age correspondence” events, which refers to when you reach the age that your person was when they died or were diagnosed with an illness that changed everything. This is completely normal.

What exactly is “post-traumatic growth”?

This process requires becoming aware and open to the possibility that there can be one meaning that can be created out of a loss. We create stories to make sense of what happened to us as we try to piece together the facts and emotions of a story that feels intellectually complete. That story can change but we have to be willing to allow it to change. Along the long arc of loss, our relationship to that same set of facts will evolve over time and can encourage a growth-oriented mindset. A simple way to start tracking these changes is to simply make a list of what you’ve learned as a result of your loss (this may not be possible until a good amount of time has passed). Write down what you know now that you didn’t know beforehand that might be helpful to at least one other person? Is it that you’re grateful for the little things more? Or that you can better appreciate the quality of time you have with your loved ones or activities that bring meaning to your life? If you sit and think for a few minutes, you’ll probably come up with at least a few things.

Your loss is a part of you; but it isn’t your entirety

Imagine a dark circle. Many of us might think that over time, the ball will shrink. If that ball – our grief – remains the focal point of our identity, then of course it will take up a lot of room. But if we allow other parts of life to expand and grow around it, then it’s still there, but smaller in comparison to the other things that are in our lives. Our life will expand around our grief but only if we open ourselves up to letting it do so.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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Coping with Loss: A Connection Community Where Sympathy & Understanding Meet Raw Emotions

If you’re looking for emotional support, peer acceptance, and a sense of belonging, Connection Communities at 1-800-Flowers.com is a wonderful place to start. Our series “Strength of Community” explores the conversations that take place in this unique online forum for sympathy and grief. Except where noted, the names in this article have been changed to protect the privacy of the forum’s participants.

When you lose a cherished relative or companion, there’s only so much that “I’m sorry for your loss” can do for you. In 1-800-Flowers.com’s “Coping with Loss” Connection Community, though, the conversations run much deeper.

The people in this group hope for nothing less, having lost aunts and uncles, parents and grandparents, siblings and spouses, lovers and best friends, children and cherished pets — the worst losses anyone could imagine. They come here to salve their pain, ease their survivor’s guilt, and find some understanding that can help them keep facing the world. They often need to intensely vent their grief, and here they can do it with impartial people who don’t carry the baggage of an existing relationship with them.

Bereavement issue at work

Recently, Dolores Green posted that shortly after beginning training for a new job, her grandfather died. She was granted bereavement leave, but on the second day she took off, she received a call saying she had been fired for missing training. She got the call in the middle of the funeral. That upset her so much that she missed the rest of the funeral, and she subsequently fell into depression.

Then she received a call from her boss: A mistake had been made by human resources, and she still had a job. Nonetheless, she remained so upset by the whole fiasco that she felt tremendous stress at the job, and she came to the Coping with Loss members looking for help and advice about whether to leave or stay at the job.

A slew of people responded with emotion, insight, shared memories and cogent, inspirational advice. Some of the counsel especially moved her: “A good work culture is worth more than money,” one person told her, which had her leaning toward quitting. But then someone else offered contrasting advice that was simple but effective: “Before you quit, talk to your boss and clear the air,” she said. Dolores took that advice in the end and thanked everyone profusely for their support.

Varied losses, consistent support

Not everyone who posts in the Coping with Loss group has such a complicated story, and the types of losses vary widely. But in each instance, people post about feelings that are serious and deeply felt, and most of the time the responses share that emotional quality, because the respondents have experienced similar pain, or are still going through it.

The answers sometimes help people who post solve problems they are facing, but they always help them feel they’re not carrying their burdens alone. The conversations include:

Anne Lassiter, whose sister died from COVID, heard from many others who had lost relatives to the virus, and they all commiserated.
Selma Farins, who lost her mother to alcohol, heard from others who had similarly gone through Al-Anon and other attempts to save their loved ones, with the same alternating feelings of hope and despair.
John Adler, who lost his best friend, talked about how whenever he started feeling better, the grief cycled back to him again and again at unpredictable times. He heard from many others who said the same thing kept happening to them. They suggested that the grief would dim with time, and that he would learn to roll with it.
Samuel P., who posted that he was having recurrent dreams about his dead mother and kept waking up thinking she was still alive, before being disappointed again to realize his mother had passed. He was surprised to learn that many others had similarly confusing dreams that led to disappointed awakenings.
Jean Johnson, who lost her mother and then had to deal with a wicked stepmother who was attempting to get all the father’s money, received many excellent responses about how to navigate the situation, including advice from a lawyer or two.

It doesn’t take a lawyer to give helpful advice, however. Every “Coping with Loss” participant brings his or her own expertise to the fray, born of hard-won experience, says Iris Arenson-Fuller (her real name), a life and loss transformation coach who has frequently offered help and advice to the community.

As an example of her contribution, she remembers how sad one young man was on his deceased mother’s birthday. “Together we came up with a way to honor her with his siblings by creating a special birthday meal of her favorite foods and a cake as they all shared special memories and stories about her,” she says.

While she cautions participants to remember that it’s a peer group setting, not professional therapy, she adds forcefully, “I have always been a huge proponent of peer support, and this provides a level of this that other types of social media do not. It provides a safe, compassionate space for young and old alike.”

Communicating Loss, Hope & Empathy Post Pandemic

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

Many of us spent most of 2020 — and a good part of 2021 — in various stages of isolation. Now, as we slowly begin to emerge from quarantine and rejoin the world, we will surely find ourselves in conversations that inevitably touch upon the different types of tough times we’ve faced throughout the pandemic.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and empathy expert Colter Ray had a conversation on practical ways to show — and ask for — empathy as we become “in person” people again.

Here are some key takeaways from their chat:

What exactly is empathy?

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and try to understand what they’re going through. If you can really manage to do that, you can feel like you are going through it with them and make them feel seen and validated.

Why do we need empathy in the world?

Empathy can be a great tool that allows us to build bridges with people all over the world. When utilized well, it can help someone to feel less alone in a difficult situation, because they will feel like someone else is willing to sit with them in it, if even for a few minutes.

It’s a great practice to engage in reframing and really think about what other people are going through. Being empathetic can allow you to see where you are in the world and help you to contextualize your own experiences.

How can we start to socialize in a meaningful way?

It’s easy to just envision the first five minutes of interactions with the people we see — the hugs, smiles, and “I’ve missed you so much!” sentiments. But there will be a lot of heavy conversations about the various types of grieving we’ve endured: for lost loved ones, lost jobs, lost roles, and more. So it’s important to learn these three simple rules for being a good listener:

Stop talking. If a friend starts talking about a person in their life who died or another very difficult experience, try to stop yourself from speaking and make the effort to be fully present with the feelings they’re expressing.
Don’t think about how to respond. This might seem counterintuitive, but when someone starts sharing an experience that’s heavy, our brains start to focus on how we can respond in the perfect way. Unfortunately by then, we’ve completely stopped paying attention. Try not to worry about what you’ll say. It will help you to pay attention to what they are saying, what they look like, what their bodies are doing, and how they sound.
Allow a few seconds of silence. Even when someone has stopped talking, give them a bit of silence before you say anything. This gives them some comfortable space to continue sharing — it can take people time to feel comfortable opening up, so they often hold back a little bit of information that might end up being the most meaningful to them. It is important to you as a supporter to hear the whole story.

For more helpful tips from Modern Loss on how to be a mindful listener, check out this article.

What are some helpful empathy starters?

Remember: There isn’t one perfect thing to say. There are some easy ways to make people feel you care, though. The worst option is to say is nothing at all because you’re uncomfortable, scared, or nervous that you’ll say the wrong thing. Here are some ways to communicate with empathy:

Ask someone how they are doing today or with this right now. When you ask someone a yes or no question or “How are you?” it can really stop the conversation, because they feel pressured to say that they’re fine. If you connect the question with this moment in time, though, you give them permission to open up a little more and share what’s really going on (“Today’s been a tough day because of x and x,” for example, or “Today I’m actually doing a little better, though overall I’m still struggling). The grief process will last months or even years, so giving people a way to share a sliver of that experience is important to their healing and to your connection with them.
Start off by saying “I’m sorry this has happened to you.” Before you say anything else, take a breath and say this. It’s so important for someone to hear it, and it can go a very long way toward validating what they’ve gone through.

This article was written by ModernLoss.com, which offers a candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.