Coping with Loss Archives

Attending Holiday Gatherings When a Loved One Is Gone

The holidays are here, and while they can be filled with revelry, joy, delight, and magic, the months of November and December can also be a tenuous, sad, and isolating stretch for people who know there will be an empty seat at the table.

Our time is valuable, and so we need to be intentional about how we spend it. But there’s no roadmap for grief, especially during a season full of personal and professional celebratory invitations and opportunities to host. This time of year — more so than any other — it can be difficult to decide what to say yes to, what to decline (and how), and how to bring people together in ways that meet you where you’re at.

Light After Loss Ep. 26: How to Attend Holiday Gatherings When A Loved One Is Gone w/ Priya Parker

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Priya Parker, a facilitator trained in conflict resolution, strategic advisor, acclaimed author of “The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters,” and executive producer and host of the The New York Times podcast “Together Apart.” The two talked about intentionally bowing out of what doesn’t feel right, leaning into what does, and teasing some meaning out of new rituals.

Practice a “gathering diet” when deciding whether to accept an invitation

In addition to nutritional diets (deciding what to put in your body) and informational diets (deciding what information to read and focus on), there are also “gathering diets.” Embracing a gathering diet is a way to become more thoughtful about what, when, and how you attend, and what you say yes and no to.

When you receive an invitation, instead of offering a knee-jerk response — “I have to say yes, she’s my friend” or “Maybe I shouldn’t go because I don’t want everyone to think I’m going to be a downer” — take a few moments to listen to your body. How does it feel? Are you tensing up and feeling dread and stress, or rather warmth, relaxation, and maybe even a little excitement? Use what you’re feeling to help you make a decision that goes beyond what your mind alone is telling you.

grief at the holidays with sad woman sitting on couch with laptop

Want to pass on an invitation? Offer a “connected no.”

Receiving an invitation is like catching a ball the host has tossed to you. Part of being a good and intentional guest is throwing it back to them. It’s natural to assume that throwing it back only means accepting an invite, but you can also do so by saying a “connected no.” (Make sure you do it, though, without expressing ambivalence, which can sap everyone’s energy, including your own.)

Write a response that honors the invitation and host, values the relationship between the two, and might create a different pathway for how you might like to spend time together. Perhaps that’s dinner with just the two of you or a smaller circle of friends, or doing an activity that doesn’t involve a lot of talking, or reconnecting after the holidays, when you might feel a little less raw. You can still be in a relationship with someone without saying yes on their terms all the time.

What if we’ve said yes to an invitation, but as the event nears, we change our minds?

The purpose of gatherings is connection, and even saying no is a way to practice that connection. People can’t always intuit exactly what we are going through on a given day — even if they know we’re going through a rough time — but it’s a communal responsibility to hold space for our hard things. If the day of the event is imminent and you can’t fathom the idea of going through with it, simply give yourself permission to open up about the presence of loss within the context of your life. People overwhelmingly want to be helpful and supportive; give them a chance to do so.

Of note: If you’re uncertain about attending something, showing up and seeing how you feel can’t hurt. First, you can always leave whenever you want, and second, it might just be the medicine you needed. You never know what meaningful connections you’ll make.

How can family members or groups of friends host meaningful holiday gatherings when someone important is gone without overshadowing the spirit of celebration?

Memorize this phrase: Practice meaning as medicine. Anyone who takes on the role of host is inherently inviting their guests to create meaning, and that’s a skill we can all learn.

grief at the holidays with a family at the table for christmas dinner

Here are two ideas for planning a gathering when most of those in attendance are grieving the same person or people.

Hosting begins well before the actual event. If a gathering carries a greater risk, with a variety of personalities and higher level of tenderness surrounding a loss, ask yourself ahead of time: “What is our need and purpose this year?” Consider how much all of you would like to dial up or down the memory of your person in order to strike as much of a balance between that feeling of comfort and the inevitable feelings of sadness.
Ask your guests what they’d like the holiday to feel like and make sure to guide them toward what to expect in your invitation. For example, are they seeking “comfort” and “happiness” after a grandparent or parent’s death? Consider asking each person to send a few songs that bring them those feelings, and then create a playlist. At the event, encourage your guests to share stories about what their songs mean to them when they hear them — especially those that involve memories of your person. This will inevitably create a meaningful and deeply connected experience.

Connection is the antidote to grief and loneliness. You can be in a crowded celebration and feel incredibly isolated; you can also be physically alone and feel like it’s exactly what you need. In a season of both loss and light, give yourself permission to be around the people who feel nourishing to you, and take a pass on those who don’t.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. You can download Priya Parker’s free guide for new and creative ways to spend time together here.

Sitting Shiva: What Does It Mean?

The first few days after the loss of a loved one can often be met with intense grief and disorientation. In Judaism, a traditional practice known as “sitting shiva” offers a space for family and friends to grieve together and support one another while observing specific customs. Rabbi Steven Kane of Congregation Sons of Israel in Briarcliff Manor, New York, explains the rich tapestry of shiva traditions and rituals, as well as what you can expect if you are making your first shiva call.

What is the meaning of shiva?

Shiva is a Hebrew word meaning “seven,” which symbolizes the week-long period of mourning. During shiva, mourners sit low to the ground, often on special low-cut chairs.

“They sit lower to the ground to be closer, literally, to their loved one who is now buried in the ground,” Rabbi Kane explains. This practice, along with the observance of the mourning period, is referred to as “sitting shiva.”

Where is shiva held, and does it always last seven days?

Shiva is traditionally held at the home of the deceased. However, as a practical matter, it often ends up being at the home of one of the other mourners, such as a child, Rabbi Kane explains. There is no designated “host,” as the primary purpose is to visit with the mourner and provide comfort. Friends, relatives, or members of the congregation often assist in organizing it.

As with many customs, the observance of shiva can vary among individuals, with some choosing not to sit shiva or opting for a shorter period than the traditional seven days. For example, physicians who are needed by their patients may only sit shiva for three days, Rabbi Kane explains.

When does shiva begin and end?

Shiva commences immediately after the burial of the deceased. The traditional seven days of shiva, however, are understood to be both comforting and potentially overwhelming, often lasting only four to five days in practice. The day of the funeral counts as the first day, Rabbi Kane says, but on Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath), which still counts as one of the seven days of the mourning period, shiva rituals are paused — no visitors, the mourners sit on regular chairs

[Mourners] sit lower to the ground to be closer, literally, to their loved one who is now buried in the ground.”
Rabbi Steven Kane, Congregation Sons of Israel

Who can attend shiva?

Shiva is open to anyone who wishes to pay their respects and offer condolences, and attendance is not limited to just Jewish individuals. Shiva serves as a space for collective mourning, reflecting the inclusive nature of this sacred tradition. Embracing the customs and etiquette associated with shiva can help visitors navigate this emotional time while offering solace to those who have experienced a loss.

What to expect during a shiva call

When sitting shiva, visitors should be prepared to encounter several customs and symbols that carry a profound meaning to those in mourning.

Washing of hands

When returning from the cemetery and arriving at the shiva house, all visitors are expected to wash their hands before entering. This act symbolizes washing away the difficult responsibility of burying a loved one and transitioning to the mourning stage.

Memorial candle

A special memorial candle, called a Yahrzeit candle, is lit upon returning from the cemetery. This burns for seven days and serves as a visible symbol of remembrance for the deceased. It is placed where visitors can see it when they come to offer their condolences.

Meal of consolation

After returning from the cemetery, mourners are often served a special meal known as the “meal of consolation.” This is often organized by close friends or the congregation, Rabbi Kane says, and marks a moment of nourishment and unity, “affirming the eventual return to daily life.”

Removing shoes

Mourners typically do not wear shoes during shiva. This practice symbolizes a separation from material needs, and also connects the mourners — both physically and symbolically — to their loved one who is buried in the ground.

Covering mirrors

Mirrors in the shiva house are often covered during this period, reflecting the notion that mourners need not concern themselves with their physical appearance. This practice symbolizes a focus on inner reflection and emotional healing.

Torn black ribbon or clothing

Mourners may wear torn clothing, though today most people simply attach a torn ribbon to their clothing, explains Rabbi Kane. This symbolic act shows that “they themselves are not whole.”

Sitting shiva etiquette

Visitor etiquette during shiva varies based on the mourners’ community and preferences, explains Rabbi Kane. In traditional or Orthodox settings, offering words of comfort or sharing memories of the deceased is customary. Food or drink is rarely served, although some shiva homes may provide cookies and beverages. In non-traditional settings, food may play a more prominent role, but the primary purpose of the visit is to comfort the mourner.

Here are some general tips to keep in mind when visiting.

Find the right time to visit. Check with friends or family to determine the appropriate time(s) to visit. Avoid visiting on Shabbat (Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown).
Dress appropriately. Some individuals choose to dress as if they were attending a synagogue service. Others dress informally, depending on their personal preferences and even their relationship with the mourners.
Wash your hands. A pitcher of water, a basin, and towels are typically placed near the front door of the shiva home.
Just walk in. The front door of the shiva home is usually left unlocked, eliminating the need for the mourners to answer the door and minimizing distractions.
Find the mourner. Allow the mourner to initiate conversation. Offer a hug, a kiss, a handshake, or an arm around the shoulder to provide comfort.
Talk to friends. Encountering acquaintances and friends when paying a shiva call is common. Feel free to engage in conversation with them as well. Despite the reason you’re there, many shiva calls may have a jovial atmosphere.
Consider the length of your visit. While the appropriate duration of a shiva call varies depending on your relationship with the family, it typically lasts about an hour. Staying too long can add undue strain on the mourners, so be mindful of the length of your visit.

What to bring to shiva

While bringing gifts to shiva is not necessary, Rabbi Kane explains that many people feel offering a gesture of sympathy is appropriate. Common gifts include small boxes of cookies or pastries. However, he says that in more traditional communities, prepared meals are often planned and coordinated through the synagogue, relieving visitors of any need to bring food.

On the list of things not to bring, Rabbi Kane urges against flowers or plants. He also cautions against large meals unless previously coordinated with the family.

How We All Can Benefit from Bereavement and Compassionate Leave Policies at Work

The grieving process doesn’t respect office hours. (And let’s be honest: These days, office hours can be any time of day.) Yet in the United States, more than 60% of workplaces offer only three days or fewer of bereavement leave after a major loss. That leaves millions of people to manage the harsh aftermaths — both emotional and logistical —while still having to fulfill their responsibilities at work.

Light After Loss Ep 24: Bereavement in the Workplace: Why (and How) We Should Recognize It

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Becca Bernstein, senior manager at Option B, a program out of the Sandberg Goldberg Bernthal Family Foundation that helps people navigate loss and hardship, and support their loved ones. Its mission was inspired by former Meta (formerly Facebook) COO and Lean In cofounder Sheryl Sandberg, whose husband, Dave, died suddenly in 2015.

Option B recently launched a campaign to help both employees and human resources leaders better understand the real facts about grief and ways in which employers can provide support that matters. Here are some key takeaways from their conversation on how and why businesses should do better at supporting their people who are going through difficult times.

The business case for expanding bereavement and compassionate leave is strong

The inability to grieve fully impacts people’s desire and ability to continue working for an organization, which leads to higher turnover rates. According to Option B’s research, nearly 80% of 18- to 34-year-olds would consider leaving their jobs if their workplaces didn’t offer proper support after a major loss, evidence that such support is now expected and no longer viewed as a “nice-to-have.” People remember how their workplace showed up for them in their darkest hours.

bereavement leave with boss consoling stressed female office worker

The kindness of managers can only go so far

Employees frequently must depend on the compassion of managers to receive the support they need. But if a business does not have clear policies that reflect those good intentions, then understanding what the expectations are during times of loss can be hard for everyone. Putting managers in a situation where they are doing guesswork as to what they can offer their employees is not fair, and it is even worse if one team is offered a different set of options than another within the same company.

The ideal policies should include the following:

A minimum of five days of paid leave (though the best-in-class policies include up to 20 days).
The ability to take leave nonconsecutively or in a nonlinear way. After all, that is an accurate reflection of the grieving process, which does not end after the funeral.
Clear leave for pregnancy loss and miscarriage. Currently, only one in four U.S. companies provide such leave for an experience that one in four women who get pregnant go through.
Including paid compassionate leave, a catch-all category for any life-altering and emergency loss and hardship. This could include a seriously ill close family member or providing support to a caregiving loved one.
Expanded definitions of who can take leave. Meaningful connections look different for everyone. Some of us deeply grieve for aunts, caretakers, mentors, and friends. The best policies provide flexibility and cover the loss of a range of loved ones (yes, even pets). They are also a sign of respect, giving employees the space to grieve those who are most important to them.

bereavement leave with distressed businessman

Employees can enact change, too

It can be daunting to advocate for change at the workplace, and sometimes you need a script to take action. That’s why Option B created an employee toolkit that helps get the ball rolling, with five key recommendations to start a conversation for change.

Anyone who has worked through a painful loss remembers the details of how they were treated at work — from the small gestures of kindness from colleagues to the exact policies enabling (or not enabling) them to care for themselves during some of their toughest times. Companies have an enormous opportunity to create meaningful change in their employees’ lives with regard to a universal experience, and the hope is that they do.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Save, Store, or Donate: Organizing What’s Left Behind After a Loss

Deciding what to keep (or sell, donate, or even just throw away) after a loss can be hard. When we are grieving, a mere “object” can carry so much emotional charge that even considering starting the process can feel overwhelming.

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Shira Gill, a globally recognized home organizing expert and author of “Minimalista” and “Organized Living.” Gill has taught thousands of people how to declutter their homes and lives, and developed a process and toolkit that applies to anyone, regardless of budget, space, or lifestyle. She is also intimately familiar with the experience of going through a loved one’s belongings.

Here are six of her best tips that might help as you consider starting your own “edit,” or helping someone through theirs.

1. Check in with yourself

It’s important, first and foremost, to respect your own process. After all, it can take years for someone to feel ready to sort through certain items, such as personal letters or photos. Unless you are under a short deadline to go through everything at once (and if you are, please consider putting everything into storage boxes for the time being), do ongoing check-ins with yourself to see how you feel about starting this type of project. You can sense when you feel ready. Trust your gut.

Some questions to ask yourself:

How does it feel to consider beginning the process?
Would it be cathartic to make some decisions on what to do with things, or does the thought of it fill me with dread and anxiety?
Do I only feel comfortable when I imagine going through things that don’t seem as personal as others?
Am I at the point where I feel like my life is being overtaken by someone else’s stuff? Do I feel less anxious when I imagine some items being removed from my daily surroundings?

A woman packs clothes in a box for donating clothes

2. Seek out support through friends and extended community

When there is a loss, most people around the griever want to help but don’t know how. Many are happy to receive an assigned role or invitation to be helpful in a specific way.

Many people feel shame around asking for help. But the intrinsic motivation to do something hard and emotionally grueling doesn’t come easily to most of us. This is one of those life experiences when the presence of another can be an integral salve — not just in helping you feel less alone but in helping you make some good decisions and even in keeping you on task.

Consider inviting someone from your family or a group of friends, or even a colleague who you trust to have no judgment to take on bite-sized pieces of the process with you — even if just to sit with you for a couple of hours while you go through a box or two. The person will feel like they’ve been a useful part of a very hard experience, and you won’t easily forget their support either.

3. Physical boundaries are your friend

In a process that has no real rules, knowing that you have certain boundaries that will keep you anchored can be liberating and grounding. When it comes to thinking through what items you can physically keep in your own home, consider purchasing a set number of airtight bins that will comfortably fit in your storage area. Creating limits may help you make some difficult choices more easily.

4. Categorize, categorize, categorize

how to declutter with antique pocket watch with Victorian items

Try to make a delineation between “stuff” and true memorabilia. Perhaps your dad’s coffee mug carries no emotional weight, but his marked-up trail map or photos from the Peace Corps do. Look at the items you want to go through and decide which ones are mere “things” and which are unique to your person. Set aside a premium pile of things to either keep or give to family members or friends, and another that might be able to do some good for someone you don’t even know. You don’t have to make a final decision right away (and you might even end up switching some items as time goes by), but categorizing as you go can help things become more clear.

5. Pace yourself

Unless you have to go through belongings in a short period of time, allow yourself to work in small increments. Taking the pressure off when decision-making stakes feel high is so important. Pace yourself and go step by step to keep up your energy and stay focused.

You may find it easier to sort by category one at a time — say, books, music, clothing, or appliances — so you can assess each category and select the most meaningful and precious items from each group. And remember, there’s nothing wrong with shoving everything into a bunch of boxes and putting them in storage until you are ready to sit and process.

6. Give things to those who will appreciate them

Chances are you won’t be able to — or even want to — hold onto everything left behind. You can also be sure that other people in your life would emotionally benefit from being able to receive some of those things. Make a list of everyone connected to your person who might have an interest in having something, and then let them choose what they want in a structured way.

One option is to take photos of everything you are willing to part with, and send a blanket email to your inner circle asking people to tell you what they’d want and offering to ship it to them. Another is to set a time to invite people to visit your home and look at everything using a sticker system as a visual code to “claim” things they really care about (ie, “red” means someone really wants an item, “yellow” is a nice to have). If you’re lucky, you won’t have any conflict over any items (and if you do, make it clear that you reserve the right to hold onto them until you make a final decision…remember the part about pacing yourself?) Then, donate whatever is left over.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Funeral and Sympathy Etiquette by Type of Service

We often think of funerals and memorial services as opportunities to honor our loved ones, but often these services are a time for healing and acceptance, and can prove to be a vital part of the grieving process. Services provide an outlet for our emotions and help us come to terms with our loss, as well as provide us with the opportunity to connect with family and friends, all of whom may also be in need of support.

Every culture and religion has its own sympathy practices and traditions for mourning, which is important to remember when attending a memorial service or funeral for someone outside your own ethnicity or religious faith. Learning and understanding proper sympathy etiquette will help you better express your sympathy and ensure that your thoughts and well wishes reach grieving friends and family members.

It’s also important to remember that each service or ceremony is as unique as the individual whose life it celebrates, and often the deceased’s personality will shine through, regardless of religious practices or ethnic background. Etiquette for expressing sympathy varies from family to family. Depending on the family, the circumstances, as well as the funeral or service type, it may be appropriate to send flowers or gifts to the funeral home or the home of the bereaved. In most cases, it’s not necessary to send flowers right away, as the family of the deceased will be receiving an abundance of flowers in the days leading up to the funeral or memorial service. Waiting until the initial shock of death has faded to send expressions of sympathy may be a wise choice, as it’s never too late to offer your condolences and continued support.

Below is a helpful guide to the various types of funerals and memorial services, each with its unique sympathy etiquette.

Wake/Visitation

Location: Funeral home/Funeral home chapels

Traditional wakes or visitation hours are most often held at the funeral home itself or, infrequently, at the home of the deceased or an immediate family member. Most commonly referred to as a viewing or wake, this type of service gives friends and loved ones an opportunity to say one last goodbye to the deceased, as well as provides mourners a chance to offer support to one another. Visitation hours are most often held a few days before the funeral service and typically last a few hours.

Mass or memorial

Location: Religious place of worship (e.g. church, synagogue, temple)

It is common for funeral services to be held first at the funeral home and then, later, at a church or place of worship, where a full or condensed religious service is performed. These types of services are most frequently held early in the morning and are attended by immediate family members and close friends. Following the service, attendees typically, but not always, drive in a procession to the cemetery or burial site. Often, a funeral home or church staff takes on the responsibility of transporting flowers from the funeral service to the gravesite.

Burial service at the cemetery

Location: Cemetery/Cemetery chapel/Gravesite

Sometimes memorial services are conducted at the site of internment, and other times a funeral procession from a church or place of service arrives at the gravesite following a ceremony. In both cases, the burial site is the location of the final service where a prayer or military honor may be preformed. Following the funeral service, the deceased is either interred or has their ashes scattered on site, or given to the family.

Cremation services

Cremation is a common practice during which the deceased’s body is reduced to ashes by means of a burning ritual. It is generally carried out in a crematorium furnace or crematory fire and is an alternative to burial or the funeral rite of burial. Cremations often have viewing hours and funeral services prior to the scattering of the ashes or receiving of the ashes by the deceased’s family. Regardless of whether the deceased is buried or cremated, sending flowers is proper sympathy etiquette.

Cremation with traditional funeral

In the case that a cremation is held with a traditional funeral service, an open casket viewing may or may not be held. In either instance, flowers and sympathy etiquette are the same as with a traditional funeral service which includes internment.

Cremation with memorial service

A memorial service often has a cremation urn as well as flowers, photos, and other mementos of the deceased on display. It’s best to determine whether or not an urn will be included in the memorial service so you can work with the funeral director to design the appropriate floral arrangement for that particular display and service.

What to send

Cremation wreaths are specially designed to decorate an urn or framed photo. Such arrangements are typically ordered by the family in lieu of a casket spray. Appropriate expressions to send to a cremation memorial service are standing sprays, floor and fireside baskets, and vase arrangements and potted plants.

Direct cremation

In the case of a direct cremation, families sometimes forego holding a funeral service or memorial service. Oftentimes, the immediate family has a floral arrangement specially designed to display with the urn. Even if there is no planned funeral or memorial service, it’s still appropriate to send an expression of your sympathy to the home of the bereaved.

What to send

Gourmet sympathy baskets, potted funeral plants, vase arrangements, memorial trees, and small tokens of remembrance are all appropriate expressions of sympathy, and can be sent to the home of the deceased at any time, regardless of whether services are being held.

Life celebration

Location: Funeral home, family’s home, park, restaurant, beach, or any location chosen by the immediate family as a place to congregate for to pay last respects and celebrate the individual’s life

The purpose of a life celebration is just as the name suggests — to honor and celebrate the life of the deceased. These unique memorials are tailored to the specific interests of the individual being celebrated and may include special music, food, or activities that reflects the deceased’s personality.

What to send

For a life celebration, expressions should reflect the individual in some way. These may include an arrangement made up of their favorite flower and can be traditional (lilies in a vase) or more celebratory. Either way, your expression should be one of meaning and reflect your unique relationship to the deceased.

Military/Armed forces

A military funeral is often performed if the deceased was a member the armed forces. The specific rituals performed are often reflective of the deceased’s rank, whether the person was on active duty when he or she passed, as well as in which branch he or she served. Gun salutes, drumming, and the draping of a nation’s flag over the coffin are common military funeral honors. It’s important to note that funeral flowers are never laid on top of the flag, and you won’t see flowers on a casket covered by the flag. Instead, standing arrangements and baskets are the most appropriate expression for military funeral services.

What to send

It’s appropriate to send traditional standing sprays, floor or standing baskets, standing wreaths, fireside baskets, and red, white, and blue floral arrangements.

Public servants

Location: Generally a funeral home or religious institution

Public servants, such as police officers and firefighters, are granted unique honors for their funeral or memorial service. Members of the police academy receive a 21-gun salute as a way of honoring the deceased’s service to the community. There are also unique procedures carried out for line-of-duty deaths for both police and firefighters, including the appointment of a liaison who will act as a point of contact between the bereaved and the police or fire department. Elaborate funeral processions are also common in the case of a line-of-duty death, and many members of the deceased’s department will arrive to the funeral or memorial services in full uniform.

What to send

Standing arrangements such as sprays, wreaths, and floor baskets are appropriate expressions to send. Often, personal tributes in the form of a shield may also be a way of conveying sympathy as well as honoring the deceased’s service to the community.

Green burial

Location: Outdoors at family’s request

As an alternative to a traditional funeral, the deceased’s family may choose to hold a green funeral or burial. This alternative seeks out new, natural ways to perform a burial that use fewer resources, leave less of an imprint on the environment, and require less funds. Green burials are often chosen to promote and extend the deceased’s values and concerns about the environment. These natural burials help to conserve both land and resources, as well as reduce the use of harmful chemicals used in embalming processes.

What to send

For a green burial, it’s appropriate to send a meaningful expression to the home of the bereaved. Memorial trees, live plants, and fruit baskets are all excellent choices for expressing your sympathy, and support the natural lifestyle promoted by green burials.

Pet sympathy memorials

Location: At a funeral home or alternate setting

Animal lovers will often hold memorial services for a cherished pet, especially those they may have had for a long time. While pet memorials are rarely as extensive as those conducted for humans, expressions of sympathy are always welcome.

What to send

Small sympathy vase arrangements, a potted plant, a pet memorial gift, stepping stones, or books are appropriate expressions of sympathy.

Home funeral

Location: Home of the deceased or an immediate family member

Home burials are an alternative to traditional funerals that continue to increase in popularity. Many times, home burials are carried out with the guidance of a funeral director, who oversees all aspects of the burial and makes sure all state regulations for burial are met. Home burials are often chosen as an alternative means of internment because they tend to be less expensive than a traditional burial and are a way to keep the body of a loved one close to home.

What to send

Vase arrangements, flower baskets, and standing sprays are appropriate expressions of sympathy, and can be sent to the home of the bereaved at any time.

Private funeral services

Location: Determined by the family of the deceased

Private funeral or memorial services are typically smaller than traditional services. These services are closed to the general public, and only those who are invited may attend. Circumstances surrounding the deceased that may cause a family to opt for a private service include infant deaths, victims of crime, and celebrity deaths. Often, these events result in the family experiencing extreme emotional shock, which may prevent them from opening services to the public. Private services may also be held to reduce cost and keep the ceremony simple and intimate.

What to send

Standing sprays, vase arrangements, and plants that suit the individual and grieving family can be sent to express sympathy.

Alternate services

Location: Determined by the family of the deceased

Alternative funeral services have increased in popularity over the years as a way to “take back death” and restore the intimacy between the living and the dead. Rather than leaving everything in the hands of a funeral director, many have chosen to take care of matters themselves. Often, this means family members help wash and dress the body of their deceased loved one, build a casket, or plan a memorial service. By spending time with the deceased’s body, the bereaved have a chance to say goodbye and may come to terms with their loved one’s death sooner than if they left these duties to someone else.

Coping With the Loss of Dad on Father’s Day

Father’s Day can be an emotionally charged holiday if you’ve recently lost your dad.

Even if your father died some time ago, various life circumstances can make the day difficult, according to Florida-based clinical psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a member of 1-800-Flowers.com’s Connectivity Council and author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of your Anxiety.”

“For example, if you had a rough year and it would be a great time to lean on your dad and get his advice, or maybe you had a kid, it can stir up that need for him,” Carmichael says. “You might feel that absence differently in different years. That is completely normal and expected.”

If, due to a recent or more prolonged loss, you’re not quite sure how to approach Father’s Day this year, these eight suggestions can help you cope with your grief — and also celebrate your father’s memory.

1. Do something your dad loved

If you plan to engage in an activity you and your father often enjoyed together — like, say, playing golf at his favorite course — you may, Carmichael says, want to invite someone to join you or plan an event afterward, such as lunch with a sibling. That way, you have some support if the day triggers sad feelings.

“It could be bittersweet,” she says. “The benefit of at least being aware of those feelings is then we can address them.”

2. Utilize mementos

Putting a photo of your father or other memorable items on display during Father’s Day weekend can serve as a reminder of your time together — and ensure he’s included in the holiday, Carmichael says.

“Sometimes seeing his face and having a way to recognize him can feel soothing,” she says. “[It’s a] a small behavioral way of marking that memory.”

3. Be grateful for parental guidance

Dr. George Everly, a professor in the Department of International Health at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, says viewing the loss of his father more than a decade ago as a milestone in life’s overall journey — a mindset his father imparted on him — has helped him focus on the positive aspects of their relationship.

“I miss him every day,” Everly says. “What I do when I find myself going down that rabbit hole is quickly shift and think of all the things he brought into my life rather than all the things I should have said or done. Within a heartbeat, my mood changes.”

“Celebrate the time you had together rather than mourning the time you won’t have.”
Dr. George Everly, psychologist and professor, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health

Sometimes, Carmichael says, Father’s Day-related feelings of loss can be rooted in a yearning for the sense of protection or wisdom a father brings — which writing down, or even just mentally listing, a few things you learned from your dad can help you recapture.

4. Honor your dad through service

Volunteering for a cause your father cared about, or even one that just matters to you, can shift the day’s emphasis from what you’ve lost to contributing something positive.

“You can be doing it directly in memory of your dad, to carry out work that mattered to him — or just to keep your own grief and pain in perspective and stay focused on the community around you,” Carmichael says.

5. Reminisce with family

Organizing a group gathering can help stave off feelings of loneliness if you can’t spend Father’s Day with your dad.

A video call, where everyone shares a memory or story, could be cathartic if people can’t physically get together, Carmichael suggests.

“In some cases, it feels better to grieve with other people,” she says. “It doesn’t necessarily have to be sad; it can be with laughter and positivity.”

6. Acknowledge other father figures

Instead of concentrating on your father’s absence, consider using Father’s Day as an opportunity to thank a male family member or other acquaintance for being a source of support.

“Telling them you’d like to spend some time with them around the holiday — or even just mailing a card that says ‘I appreciate you being in my life’ — is going to be seen as a compliment,” Carmichael says. “And it can help you remember that, although your father is gone, there are other fatherly people around you.”

7. Express your emotions — or go offline

Posting a commemorative message on social media could make you feel supported, Carmichael says, if friends and followers comment on what you’ve shared.

If, however, seeing the deluge of other Father’s Day posts would be a painful reminder of your loss, staying off social media might be a good idea.

“There’s a potential landmine there,” Everly says. “People will be posting these marvelous pictures of their father and saying, ‘We’re having a great day with Dad.’ If your dad passed away, [you’ll be] seeing that and saying, ‘I don’t have a dad to do that with.'”

8. Make other plans

If, ultimately, you think Father’s Day may be completely overwhelming, planning a trip out of town or another unrelated activity is fine, Everly says.

“A lot of times [people] anticipate it will be a problem and either embrace it or do the opposite, and do something that takes their mind off it. Either one is OK,” he says. “There’s been a myth in psychology for over 100 years that says you’ve got to experience the pain. You don’t.”

As Father’s Day approaches, you may not be able to completely avoid feelings of loss. You can, however, focus on what you’re able to control — including your reaction to those feelings.

“Sometimes the healing process can be accelerated by having a talk with yourself,” Everly says. “Celebrate the time you had together rather than mourning the time you won’t have.”

Grieving and Healing After Profound Loss

June is known for many things in the United States: the end of school, the transition to summer, graduations, and, of course, Father’s Day. But while so much of the marketing would suggest that Father’s Day is centered on happy celebrations, this day can also be charged with mixed emotions, including sadness, longing, and other symptoms of grief. The more we talk openly about how holidays such as this contain a variety of feelings, the more we can get comfortable with supporting each other through them.

Light After Loss Episode 22: Healing and Grieving after Profound Loss

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Colin Campbell, an Academy Award-nominated writer and director for theater and film. In the summer of 2018, Colin and his wife, Gail, were hit by a speeding drunk driver. Their two teenage children, Ruby (who was 17) and Hart (who was 14), were in the backseat and did not survive. Colin’s new book, “Finding the Words: Working Through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose,” aims to help people find ways to express their grief so that they can live more fully while also holding their loved ones close.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

What should people say to someone who is grieving?

A common misconception is that the role of a supporter is to fix whatever pain the griever is going through. But people should feel relieved of that burden because they don’t need to solve that problem (for which there is no solution anyway). Supporters merely need to figure out how they can articulate that they are there for that person, that they care about them, and that, if pertinent, they loved the person that has died.

How can we feel less isolated in our grief?

grieving with women supporting grieving friend

Community is so important in grief. There’s a stereotype that when someone in your life dies, you’re supposed to enter your grief cave and come out whenever you’re ready. In reality, being with others is imperative. For example, I felt that the Jewish tradition of shiva, when the entire community is supposed to come and sit with the mourner for seven straight nights, was extremely comforting. My initial instinct was to retreat, because the grief over my children was so painful. But then I realized that my pain was coming from love, and that it would be a lot more helpful for me to feel held by a community and be able to share stories and feel seen than to be alone.

Grievers should also try to figure out how to tell the people in their life what they need as support. Most people want to provide meaningful support — they just don’t know how.

How can partners who are grieving together help each other?

After our children died, my wife and I clung to each other; after all, we were the only ones who understood our particular loss. But there can be strength in having different responses. As time went on, we found that sometimes we’d be on the same emotional page. Other times, one of us might feel full of despair while the other one was in a different place, say, remembering a beautiful and comforting memory — and that person was the one who’d take the lead in helping the other through the tough moment.

Elderly spouses hug look at window meet twilight years together

What role do kindness and joy play in personal grief?

When we are grieving, it can be easy to forget to take care of and be compassionate to ourselves. It can also be easy to get caught up in cycles of regret or self-criticism. But those thoughts can be very punishing. While sometimes the very idea of allowing ourselves to feel joy and pleasure can be difficult in grief, it’s an enormously important thing to try to let in. Feeling joy — even the fleeting moments — and reminding ourselves that we are simply humans going through something very universal can help counteract the hardness we place on ourselves and help us avoid mental and emotional burnout.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Overcoming the Stigma Around Mental Health

In 1949, the United States government designated May as Mental Health Awareness Month. The purpose of this month is to raise awareness about the importance of mental health and provide information about what people can do if they feel their own mental health or that of someone they care about is cause for concern.

Light After Loss Episode 21: Mental Health Awareness: Overcoming the Stigma

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a psychologist as well as the founder of Therapy for Black Girls and host of its mental health podcast. Bradford’s work focuses on making mental health topics more relevant and accessible for Black women, and creating spaces for them to have fuller and healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Why is there such a stigma surrounding the topic of mental health?

Many people didn’t grow up being taught about the importance of caring for their mental health. Also, some communities that are more deeply rooted within religion and spirituality tend to promote the idea that if you are struggling with mental illness, your faith may not be strong enough, or, even, that you are cursed. None of this encourages an open conversation about mental healthcare.

How has the stigma surrounding mental health historically affected Black and Brown women?

A common “strong Black woman” stereotype suggests that they’re the ones who are supposed to hold everything together: at home, at work, within their communities. That is nearly impossible to do without struggle. The idea that someone might not be strong enough to face whatever emotional concerns they’re having goes against that stereotype, and that results in some women feeling like it’s not OK to admit they need help. Also, historically, Black women have been penalized for having mental health issues in various ways, from being put into prison to losing employment to having children taken away from them.

Why is it important to see ourselves reflected in our therapist?

The field of therapy — its theories and interventions — was developed by and for straight white men. When you choose a therapist, it can be helpful to see someone who has a cultural knowledge of what those theories and interventions look like with your community, and who has a similar background. If a therapist doesn’t understand those nuances, important things might be missed. For example, talking about “being tired” within the Black female community can mean that someone is experiencing deep burnout. Someone who doesn’t understand the context might try to help that person look at their sleep hygiene.

mental health awareness with woman talking to a therapist

The reality is that finding someone like that can be difficult. Fewer than 4% of psychologists in the United States are Black, and an even smaller percentage are practicing clinicians.

What should we keep in mind when searching for a therapist?

Therapy is a lot like dating. The first therapist you work with might not be the one that’s the best fit for you. Give yourself permission to find someone else who might work with you in a better way if it doesn’t feel right.

Before reaching out to anyone, make a list of the things that are important to you: Do you want someone with the same cultural background? Sexual orientation? Gender identity or religion? Do you need someone who takes insurance or someone who offers hours that fit with your scheduling constraints? Have that list with you as you speak with people — and use the typical free 20-minute consultations! — but, also, keep an open mind. Your perfect therapist might end up being none of those things but just feel like the right fit for you.

mental health awareness with mom comforting daughter

Ideally, how would we grow up learning how to nourish our mental health?

It’s so important to learn how to verbalize our feelings, and, ideally, from a young age. We all need to learn that it’s OK to cry, and have and show other emotions and big feelings. It’s also powerful to know that you always have someone at home or at school to talk to about those things in early childhood. (But, also, it’s never too late to learn any of this.)

How can having a sense of community help us heal?

It’s important to remember that we are never alone with any struggle we have. Even with the most embarrassing things we’ve experienced, we need to know there is always someone who has experienced something similar and who can help you to hold it.

It’s also important to get ourselves to a point where we are willing to ask for help. Frequently, we identify our importance to people by how they offer help — but not everyone who cares about us knows exactly when we need it. Get out of your comfort zone, and you might be pleasantly surprised by who shows up for you.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How to Cope With the Loss of a Pet

Typically, to love a pet is to lose a pet. But even though these animals tend to have much shorter lifespans than humans, we choose to have them because of the deep bond we form with them and the unconditional love they provide. And with 70 percent of American households — or about 85 million homes — owning a pet, according to the American Pet Products Association, the majority of us understand these benefits firsthand.

Most pet owners have such a deep relationship with their pets that when they lose one, the emotions they feel can be profound and hard to put into words. But dealing with the loss of a pet is no different, or less important, than remembering a person who has left us.

Light After Loss Episode 20: Coping With the Loss of a Pet

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with E.B. Bartels, author of “Good Grief: On Loving Pets, Here and Hereafter,” a narrative nonfiction book about loving and losing animals. Here are some key moments from their conversation.

What are some things can we do for ourselves after the loss of a pet?

Legitimize your feelings. A lot of people internalize the comments we frequently hear (“It’s just a dog”) and end up trying to talk themselves out of the deep grief they are feeling by saying “It’s not like it was a family member or a friend.” Losing a pet is as legitimate a loss as any other, and so, just as with all other types of grief, don’t “should” yourself, or try stifle or contain it.

loss of a pet with looking at photos of dog

Ask people to witness your grief. It can feel good to go through your memories and curate an album to share online. This gives you time to create some space to reflect on the relationship. Once you do this, ask people to share their own memories of your animal — you may get stories that you might never have learned about. And consider turning the album into a printed scrapbook. (This is also a great way to help kids process their grief.)
Reach out and connect with other people who get it — even online. On the third Sunday of each month, Perfect Paws Pet Ministry hosts a Zoom gathering with people all over the world to celebrate and remember their pets.

What are some mourning rituals we can do for our pets?

There aren’t a lot of set rituals for mourning pets, which is both good and bad. On the one hand, it can feel uncomfortable after the loss of a pet if you don’t know what to do. On the other, this can free us up to figure out what feels right for us.

Here are five ideas for how to mourn a pet.

Adapt the rituals you might do for a human death to your pet: have a wake, sit shiva, or even ask friends to come by the night before an animal is euthanized to say goodbye.
If you have other pets in the house, let them see your pet after it has died. This allows them to process what has happened and say their own goodbyes. It’s also important for them to view your grief and sit with you during it.

loss of a pet with woman holding small dog

Spend time with other animals. As any pet owner knows, this can be very therapeutic. Petting dogs release oxytocin in the brain, and even watching fish can lower your blood pressure.
Consider burying your pet in a pet cemetery (or, at least, making a habit of visiting them wherever you are to feel close to your animal). No animal is buried in a pet cemetery out of obligation; rather, they are there because of the people who want to celebrate them even in death. You can leave offerings like squeaky toys, their favorite food, or even an old shoe they used to love gnawing on. Wherever you travel around the world, you can visit a pet cemetery and feel the same love others felt for their pets that you felt for yours.
Write an obituary. This healing exercise can help you process your emotions and put all your favorite memories in one place, so that years from now you have something to go back and read. This is another good activity to do with children.

How can we help those who have not experienced the loss of a pet better understand what we’re going through?

Ask that person to remember what if felt like to experience a hard loss in their life, be it a breakup, divorce, or death. Even if they can’t imagine being so attached to a cat, for example, it will make it easier for them to put themselves in the pet griever’s shoes.

What should we do about people around us who aren’t helpful in our grief?

Don’t waste time trying to convince someone of your grief who doesn’t want to try to understand. Millions of people around the world are open to connecting with each other through the love and loss of their pets. (And remember to extend that mindset to people who don’t “get it” with other types of grief, too.)

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.