Coping with Loss Archives

How to Write an Obituary

Writing an obituary can be an overwhelming task during an already difficult time —especially if you’ve never written one. Even if you have, you may feel pressure to come up with the words that perfectly encapsulate the spirit of the person who has recently passed.

This is the final word on a person’s life. You want it done right.

jane lerner

Owner, Lives Lived

An obituary needs to, at minimum, communicate the death of a loved one and announce information about the funeral and visitation services. But it also can tell the story of the deceased in a way that allows family and friends to honor their life.

“A well-written obituary is a short story about a person’s life, a story as rich and interesting as the person it describes,” says Jane Lerner, owner of Lives Lived, a professional obituary writing service. “The story should capture the essence of an individual — joys, sorrows, triumphs, and milestones. A good obituary should illustrate how much the person meant to others.”

An obituary is different than a eulogy. A eulogy is a speech given at the wake or funeral in praise of the deceased; an obituary appears in print or online and serves as an announcement of a person’s death as well as provides a few important details about his or her life and accomplishments.

Before you write an obituary

The first thing you should do before sitting down and writing an obituary is collecting facts about the deceased. Lerner says to ask the people who knew the deceased best, including their spouse, siblings, children, and friends. “I find when interviewing people to get information for the obituary that the spouse — if there is one — is usually the best source,” Lerner says. “Often, families will designate one child as the source for information. Others in the family will feed memories to the designated person, who will use them to craft the obituary.”

how to write an obituary with a middle-aged son talking to his uncle

How to start an obituary

The traditional way to start an obituary is with a basic announcement of your loved one’s death. For example: “Gary Robinson died May 23, 2022, at his home in Glendale, Arizona. He was 87 years old.”

But you can also be creative. Lerner suggests starting with an anecdote, such as the example below, to help bring the person to life.

“As a young man growing up in a modest Cleveland family, Gary Robinson knew he had to rely on his own abilities to get ahead. He muscled his way into a wrestling scholarship at Ohio State University, where he was captain of the team and studied finance. That experience, along with his hard work and tenacious drive, helped him launch a distinguished business career and made him a role model for others in his field.”

What to include in an obituary

how to write an obituary with a pensive-looking woman sitting at home on her couch

In addition to an announcement of death, all obituaries should include a few main parts:

Basic details (full name, age, birthday, place of birth) and biographical information about the deceased
Names of family members (both living and deceased), starting with the closest relatives (spouse, children, children’s spouses), and then listing additional family (parents, grandparents, grandchildren, siblings, etc.) in order of birth.
Funeral information

Below are examples of each section of an obituary.

Basic details and biographical information

Caleb Romano, age 78, passed away peacefully on Thursday, June 2, in his Hollywood, Florida, home. Caleb was born on February 27, 1944, to Joseph and Isabella (Rossi) Romano, in Pembroke Park, Florida. He was a 1966 graduate of the University of South Carolina, where he studied education. On May 11, 1969, he married Martina Amato at Grace Fellowship Church in West Palm Beach. He was a professor at DeVry University for 40 years, where he was respected by students and staff for his knowledge and sense of humor.

Names of family members

Caleb is survived by his wife, Martina; his son, Nicholas; his daughter, Mia; his brothers, Lucas and Marco; and many nieces, nephews, and cousins. He was preceded in death by his parents and sister.

Funeral information

Family, friends, and others whose lives Caleb touched are invited to the Landmark Funeral Home at 4200 Hollywood Boulevard in Hollywood, Florida, from 4–7 p.m. on Thursday, June 9, 2022, to reminisce, grieve, and support each other.

how to write an obituary with a couple grieving at a funeral

Because an obituary serves as a historical document, consider including details that could be helpful for future generations, such as maiden names and place of death. “Obituaries often become treasured documents handed down through the generations,” Lerner says.

What not to include in an obituary

Writing an obituary is an emotional experience, and most families prefer to paint the most positive picture possible of the deceased. For that reason, it’s best to leave any unfortunate circumstances or issues in the deceased’s life out of the obituary.

“I advise people to take the high road,” Lerner says. If there’s an estranged sibling, for example, mention that person as a survivor.” Another tip from Lerner is not to make any political statements in an obituary. Years from now, someone reading it will probably not understand the reference.

“Be sensitive about other thorny issues that arise in families,” Lerner says. “An obituary is no place for family squabbles.”

If you were particularly close to the person about whom you are writing the obituary, the task might be too much for you to bear. In that instance, Lerner suggests hiring a professional obituary writer to help you. “Remember, this is the final word on a person’s life,” she says. “You want it done right.”

Publishing your obituary

Lerner says an obituary should be available in print or online as soon after the death as possible. “Most funeral homes and crematoriums have websites where you can publish the obituary at no additional cost,” Lerner says. From there, you can copy the link and share it via email or social media.

An obituary is a heartfelt way to remember someone who played an important role in your life and the lives of others. More than simply a death announcement, it’s an opportunity to recount a loved one’s life story while bringing comfort to those who will keep them alive in their hearts.

8 Tips for Writing and Delivering a Eulogy

Writing and delivering a eulogy is a heartfelt way to say farewell to a loved one who has died. The purpose of this type of speech is to capture the essence of the deceased by highlighting the positives of their life. Although the task often arrives suddenly and during a time of mourning, you don’t have to be a great writer or public speaker to deliver a meaningful speech.

Since a eulogy is meant to bring comfort to those who are grieving, it’s important to know your audience. When writing a eulogy, be sure to take into consideration what the deceased would have wanted, as the focus is on the life they lived.

“A great eulogy always comes from the heart,” says Ralph DiBiasio-Snyder, a staff writer with The Eulogy Writers. “It is simply words of tribute, thanks, and celebration spoken with love and sincerity.” DiBiasio-Snyder says sharing stories about the deceased that illustrate a particular talent, virtue, or characteristic of theirs can be comforting.

Because writing and delivering a eulogy can be challenging, we’ve put together eight tips to help you feel comfortable while easing the pain of those who are grieving.

1. Do your research

Before writing your eulogy, it’s important to pin down specific dates and other information that was central to the life of the person you’re eulogizing. Knowing how many years the deceased spent working for a certain company, the names of family members, the town in which they grew up, and what their favorite hobbies were could be helpful as you craft your eulogy.

2. Decide on tone and style

One way to honor the deceased is to match the tone and style of your eulogy to their spirit. Depending on the circumstances surrounding their passing and their personality, it may be appropriate to add some lighter moments to your eulogy. Sharing stories that make family and friends smile while recalling the deceased can help ease their pain.

“Remember your audience,” says Aubrey Bauer, eulogy writer and owner of Eulogies by Aubrey. “If you will be speaking to mostly elderly people and your loved one was religious and conservative, perhaps keep a reverent tone and the funny anecdotes to a minimum. If your loved one was happy-go-lucky, used swear words on the daily, and had a good time as often as possible, your audience would probably appreciate a more lighthearted, humorous speech.”

“The beauty of eulogies is that they are 100% customizable.

Aubrey Bauer

Eulogy writer and owner of Eulogies by Aubrey

3. Make an outline

Once you have some ideas, organize them into an outline. DiBiasio-Snyder says it’s important to begin by thanking the people in attendance for their support and for joining in a celebration of life. You should also emphasize the positive qualities of the deceased in your introduction.

To paint a picture of how your loved one lived their life, include anecdotes or share details about their daily routines in the body of your eulogy. Concluding with an uplifting message, such as “Here’s to a life spent bringing happiness and laughter to others,” may provide comfort to the assembled friends and family.

In all, Bauer says, a typical eulogy is about 1,000 words long.

4. Get feedback on what you’ve written

Once your eulogy is written, find someone you trust who also knew the deceased well and have them review it. They may have ideas you can add to make it even more heartfelt and comforting to you and your audience. Because writing a eulogy can be an emotionally taxing experience, another person may also catch a mistake you didn’t notice when you were writing it.

Most importantly, keep in mind that there are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to writing a eulogy. “The beauty of eulogies is that they are 100% customizable,” Bauer says. Let the memory of your loved one and your knowledge of those who are in mourning be your guide.

5. Practice reciting your eulogy

eulogy with a woman speaking into a cell phone

It may feel awkward to practice a eulogy, but doing so is important as it ensures your speech will be a fitting tribute to your loved one. Practicing your eulogy in front of a mirror, family member, or friend until you get it right can help you feel comfortable and prepared. You can also record yourself on your phone and play it back to hear how you sound. A good eulogy sounds natural, and to achieve that, you must be comfortable with your speech.

6. Speak slowly

When delivering your eulogy, remember to pace yourself. Don’t think of it as a formal speech; speak as you would as if you were talking to your closest friends, from your heart.

A typical eulogy should take between six and eight minutes to read, Bauer says.

7. Make eye contact

While speaking, make sure to occasionally make eye contact with your audience. This will help your eulogy seem more like a conversation. However, if you start to get emotional while looking at others, come back to your written notes.

8. Be yourself

Instead of trying to make your eulogy sound perfect, focus on being yourself. What matters most is expressing what the deceased meant to you and what you want to remember about them.

Overall, your eulogy should be a brief overview of your loved one’s life, focusing on what made them special. Accomplishments and memorable stories should be shared, with the goal being to bring comfort to your audience.

Sample eulogies

Below are two examples of eulogies, one for a parent, the other for a friend. Keep in mind these versions are condensed, but they still contain the same themes and sentiments you would find in a full-length eulogy.

Eulogy example No. 1:

My father lived a life based on doing whatever he could to make a positive impact on others. While raising two children and working 35 years as a teacher in the Tropical Hills school district, he always put aside his own needs to help others.

Dad liked to say during moments of adversity that we should move forward fearlessly. I first remember him telling me that when I was learning to ride my bike without training wheels. I told him not to let go, worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep my balance. After his words inspired me, I discovered that I was wrong. Years later, before I left for college, he reminded me again of those wise words.

In a difficult time like this, we must take an example from my father’s bravery as we try to move forward without someone we loved so much. At the same time, we should find comfort in the many years of memories we were given through the time we spent with him, including a lifetime of laughs, smiles, and stories.

Although we all gather today to mourn my father, he’ll never truly leave us. We can still see him in the eyes of his grandchildren, in the lives he impacted while teaching, and in our hearts and memories. May we all move forward fearlessly even as we mourn the loss of a great man.

eulogy with person giving a eulogy at a funeral

Eulogy example No. 2:

Hello.

Thank you all so much for being here today. Stephanie was my best friend for 42 years. Living these past few days without her infectious personality hasn’t been easy. She was the most fearless person I knew, and I looked up to her for that. Whether she was going on one of her hiking adventures or running her business from a boat, she was always an inspiration. Although the past few months have been heartbreaking, I know her spirit lives on in all our hearts and memories.

I believe it’s best to remember Stephanie as she truly was: a fast-talking, smiling, generous soul who always made time to help others. An amazing friend who would binge on ice cream with you after a tough breakup or be there with you to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. It’s easy to dwell on the fact that Stephanie has left us too soon, but I’d prefer to remember all the wonderful times we all got to share with her while she was here.

Stephanie will be remembered not only as a terrific artist and a vibrant individual but also as a dependable mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I know it’s impossible to not feel deep grief during this time, but I think we all can also say that Stephanie would want us to pick ourselves up, find the things that inspire us, and make a real difference in the world. That’s what she did, and the best way we can honor her is to do the same.

Coping with a Public Tragedy: 4 Ways to Process Collective Grief

“Grief is a living, breathing, dynamic thing that takes on different forms,” says Rebecca Soffer, co-founder of Modern Loss. Collective grief is one such form, and it is one that many Americans are all too familiar with.

“We’re all experiencing collective grief from navigating the third year of this pandemic and having so many things in our lives change,” Soffer says. Collective grief also stems from events like mass shootings and other violent acts, the death of a celebrity, and natural disasters.

All of it can feel incredibly overwhelming, Soffer admits, but there are ways to work through it. It starts with understanding what collective grief feels like and then learning how to process it in a helpful and productive way.

“If it feels like grief to you, it probably is. These are real feelings that deserve validation.

Rebecca Soffer

Co-founder, Modern Loss

What does collective grief feel like?

After a public tragedy, intense feelings of shock, sadness, anger, frustration, and helplessness may follow. Soffer explains that even if we don’t know the people affected, we can still imagine the grief their families and communities must feel.

“With the recent school shootings, for example, we’re imagining what the children went through and what their teachers went through, and it’s just this awful feeling of loss,” she says.

Past feelings of personal grief can also resurface with public tragedies. If someone has lost a loved one to a violent act, it’s not uncommon for that person to experience those initial feelings all over again when a similar event occurs. Here, both individual and collective grief can coexist.

Photo of public tragedy with woman comforting a friend

Even if it feels difficult to pinpoint exact emotions in the moment, Soffer offers a gentle reminder.

“If it feels like grief to you, it probably is,” she says. “These are real feelings that deserve validation.”

Suggestions for processing collective grief

Processing collective grief first starts with recognizing what we are feeling, Soffer says. If we can recognize it, we can start to manage it. Here are her four recommendations.

1. Take control of your newsfeed

During a public tragedy, we often turn to the news for information. But there comes a point when the news intake can become too much, Soffer explains.

“We feel like we need to be privy to all the updates, but the truth is, if we’re feeling like it’s having an adverse reaction — like with our mental health, our bodies — then we need to listen to that and cut back on it,” she says.

Soffer recommends limiting the number of news checks to once or twice a day and ensuring we are getting our information from a trustworthy source. After that, it’s time to step back. And for anyone who feels guilty for curbing their news intake, Soffer is quick to dispel any of those feelings: “It doesn’t mean you don’t care — it just means you’re taking care of yourself.”

2. Channel feelings into action

Photo of public tragedy with a woman making a donation online

When a sense of helplessness follows in the wake of a public tragedy, it can be useful to channel those feelings into action.

Soffer encourages those who are grieving to see where they can get involved, if that’s something that feels right for them. Perhaps that means attending a march or donating to a cause, or finding ways to get involved at the local or national level.

“Sometimes feeling like you’re an active part of something can make you feel like you have a tiny bit of control in a situation that feels very uncontrollable,” Soffer explains.

3. Bring it back to now

During periods of collective grief, we may experience moments when we feel like our thoughts are spiraling out of control or we’re going through a physical change (e.g., rapid heart rate, trouble concentrating). When this happens, Soffer suggests trying a few grounding techniques that can help bring us back to the present moment.

While these may look different to different people, meditation, drawing, or spending time in nature are good places to start. Soffer’s latest book, The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience, offers interactive guides for working through feelings of grief.

Photo of public tragedy with a woman walking through a forest

She also recommends the popular 5-4-3-2-1 technique. This helpful practice encourages a person to use their five senses to make them aware of their surroundings, thereby calming anxious or increasingly worrisome thoughts.

“The more you try out different techniques, the more you have — like a toolbox that you can go to with a lot of little tools in it that you can use,” Soffer says.

4. Seek support

Even when we’re collectively experiencing the same event, grief can still feel incredibly isolating, Soffer explains. Having the right support system in place — whether that’s a licensed professional or simply a friend or family member you can talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed — can help.

Online communities for grief, such as private peer-to-peer support groups, are also widely available. Joining or creating a space where you can share stories, give suggestions for coping mechanisms, and generally assure one another that you’re not alone can bring heaps of comfort, and is something Soffer highly recommends doing.

Community is the salve we need, especially in times of collective grief, Soffer says. Being part of something greater than us, and knowing we are not alone in experiencing these feelings, provides us with a certain sense of comfort during an otherwise isolating time.

“That’s a really powerful thing,” Soffer says.

What to Send for a Cremation Service

As recently as a decade ago, Americans preferred traditional burials of their loved ones over cremation. But in 2015, according to the National Funeral Directors Association, the rate of cremation surpassed that of burial for the first time, and the gap has been widening ever since.

This shift means more people are attending cremation services than ever before, which has left many wondering what an appropriate gift is for a cremation service. But before providing answers to that question, we first need to explain what guests should expect at this type of service.

What happens at a cremation service?

The biggest difference between a cremation service and traditional burial is the lack of a casket at the former, explains Alison Johnston, CEO and co-founder of Ever Loved, a tech company that helps families plan and pay for funerals.

But there’s more to it than that.

“These services tend to focus on celebrating the impact that the person had, as opposed to mourning the loss,” she says.

a photo of cremation services with a toast at a restaurant

Cremation services traditionally occur at funeral homes or places of worship, but the locations are becoming more personalized as families opt for casual celebrations of life. “They often take place in a favorite location, like a park or restaurant, and families often ask attendees not to wear black,” she explains.

During the service, friends and family may gather around to share stories, offer up a prayer, raise a toast, or plant a tree in memory of the deceased.

This personalization and shift toward the celebration of life aren’t the only reasons for the increase in this method of disposition. “Cremation is more affordable, more environmentally friendly, and offers more flexibility to the family of the deceased,” Johnston says.

The specifics of a cremation service also vary based on cultural, religious, and personal preferences. If you’ve been invited to one and are unsure about the tone of the service, check the memorial announcement or obituary, or ask someone who is close to the family, Johnston suggests.

Once you have a better understanding of the type of service you will be attending, you can let this knowledge help guide your gifting. Here are some ideas of where to start.

Flowers for cremation services

When you’re unsure of what to give, sending flowers is a nice gesture for cremation services, Johnston explains, especially when the arrangement can be later displayed in a family member’s home.

a photo of cremation services with funeral flowers around an urn

Roses, chrysanthemums, freesias, dahlias, and orchids are common flower types appropriate for a cremation service. You can choose specific flowers based on their meaning, or, if you had a close relationship with the deceased, you might want to send a bouquet of their favorite color, such as a calming lavender or bright yellow arrangement.

If you didn’t know the deceased person well, a classic and elegant arrangement is always appropriate. White calla lilies are an excellent choice, as is a bouquet of hand-gathered white flowers.

Also, keep in mind that the immediate family purchases the cremation spray (a wreath-like arrangement that envelopes the urn), so it’s advisable to opt for a beautiful bouquet instead.

Remembrance gifts

Remembrance gifts are long-lasting tokens that can be placed in the home or garden and are excellent options to send for a cremation service. These gifts are meant to comfort the bereaved while honoring the deceased.

photo of calla lilies for sympathy — White Rose & Calla Lily Bouquet for Sympathy

photo of remembrance candle — In Memory of a Life So Beautifully Lived Candle

A plaque, tapestry blanket, or engrave d clock are just a few of the many options available. If the deceased loved the outdoors, wind chimes or garden stones are a nice way to celebrate their life. Another option is a living memorial, such as a memorial garden or remembrance peace plant, that will flourish and provide comfort for years to come.

Some remembrance gifts are also faith-inspired. Depending on the religion, you may want to send a memory cross or sentiment angel. No matter what you decide, sending the gift to the funeral home or directly to the bereaved is appropriate.

Curated food baskets

Another way to show your support to the bereaved family is to send a curated sympathy basket. This helps relieve some of the burden of shopping and preparing food during this difficult time. Popular choices include a fruit basket, bakery tray, or comforting sympathy meal.

In this case, it’s best to send the gift to the home, either before or after the cremation service. This is an excellent option if you can’t attend the service, live far away, or simply want to show your support in a different way.

When in doubt, Johnston recommends taking a cue from those nearest to the deceased.

“Pay attention to any preferences shared by the family alongside details about the service.” And if the family requests no physical gifts, you might consider other options such as donating to a good cause in memory of the deceased or simply doing a favor for a family member to help them while they’re grieving.

The Grieving Brain: Why Grief Is a Natural Reaction to Loss

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

Struggling deeply after loss is a perfectly natural thing. And questioning why we are struggling is also normal. But having an insight into the scientific perspective on this universal experience can make us realize that there’s nothing “wrong” with us for feeling like grief is hard.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about practical knowledge that can help us better understand what happens when we grieve and how to navigate loss with more ease and grace. She was joined by Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona. O’Connor directs the Grief, Loss and Social Stress Lab, which investigates the effects of grief on the brain and the body.

Light After Loss: The Grieving Brain and How We Learn From Love & Loss

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:

What is the difference between ‘grief’ and ‘grieving’?

Grief is the natural human reaction to loss; it’s all the feelings and reactions in a moment, the ferocious wave that knocks you off your feet. It feels awful in a way that you didn’t anticipate and potentially makes you think that you won’t get through it.

Grieving is the changing of your experience over time. After a while, the feelings may still be awful, but people can come to recognize the waves and know that as hard as they are to endure, they will probably get through them. In short, the feeling can be the same, but you can change your experience with that feeling over time.

We are each the expert on our own grief

There is no one right way to do grief. Of course, it can be helpful to seek out research and listen to grief “experts,” but it’s only necessary to take away what actually resonates with and helps us. At the end of the day, not everything that we read or see will relate to our own personal experience.

How does the brain handle grief?

Our brain is set up to expect that our loved ones will show up again. The brain is a prediction machine. If you’ve been with someone for a while, it’s not a good prediction that they won’t be there tomorrow, and it could take us a long time to get used to their absence after they die.

Grief is the natural human reaction to loss; it’s all the feelings and reactions in a moment, the ferocious wave that knocks you off your feet.

For example, when you say your morning goodbyes before heading to work, typically there’s no doubt in your mind that you will see that person again. The time and space of keeping track of our close loved ones is something that our brain devotes a lot of time and space to doing. In the unusual situation when a person dies, the brain’s answer is, “If they’re not here, go find them.”

It’s very hard for the brain to understand that there is no longer a map to get to that person. That’s why we can pick up the phone to call someone and remember afterward that they won’t answer. There’s no need to be hard on yourself for doing this; that’s just how the brain works. All of the habits we have continue to stick around for a very long time. This is how our brain learns what’s going on.

Neurologically, what happens with our emotions in grief?

All of the chemicals in our brain – dopamine, oxytocin, cortisol – are trying to motivate us to stay in touch with our loved ones. In daily life, this makes a lot of sense (you don’t want to forget to pick your daughter up from school). All of that neurochemistry is motivating and driving us to maintain our relationships, so all of the emotions – the guilt, grief, anger over the situation and at them – come about because that person is so important to us. That doesn’t change the first day after they die. We have to learn how to integrate that experience into our ongoing life.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversations about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

65 Thoughtful Messages to Write in Your Sympathy Card

“Life After Loss” provides you with helpful ways to cope with tragedy and loss. From advice on dealing with impossible pain to suggestions for finding incredible power, we share expert tips from grief counselors and emotionally focused therapists that will assist you through the grieving process, step by step. Whether you’re looking for self-care tips or ways to comfort a loved one, this series will help bring about comfort and closure.

Writing a sympathy card can be an emotional experience. Finding the right words to comfort someone who is grieving is often difficult. To help get you started, we’re sharing thoughtful sympathy card messages that will show empathy while offering support. Remember to use these condolence message ideas as inspiration, because the most meaningful messages of sympathy come from your heart.

“We often struggle to find the right thing to say,” says Jim McCann, founder and chairman of 1-800-Flowers.com. “A few simple messages of support can be extremely comforting to those who are grieving.”

What to write in a sympathy card

Shirley Enebrad, certified grief recovery specialist says sympathy cards show you care. “Tell the person you are there and willing to listen anytime day or night,” she says. She suggests letting the griever know you’ll check in on them, and that following up is essential. “I find the best way to comfort anyone experiencing loss is to be present.”

According to Enebrad, it’s best not to offer unsolicited advice when someone’s grieving, because everyone processes loss differently. She advises not to interject stories of your own grief, and to avoid messages along the lines of “I know how you are feeling” when expressing sympathy.

No matter your relationship, we have supportive words for grieving family members, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances, as well as condolence messages for the loss of a parent, sibling, spouse, and child. Remember to use these condolence message ideas as inspiration, because the most meaningful messages of sympathy come from your heart.

Sympathy card messages for a family member

What an amazing person and what a remarkable life. I feel so lucky that ___ was part of our family.
Celebrating the life of a wonderful man/woman and mourning his/her passing with you.
Our family will not be the same without ___ . I know we’ll find comfort in each other and we”ll get through this together.
There are no words for the legacy ___ has left on our family. His/her shining personality will live on in our hearts.
___ has made a difference in so many lives. I’m grateful to have been a member of his/her family.

Photo of woman trying to figure out what to write in a sympathy card.

Sympathy card messages for a friend

Thinking of you as you celebrate ___’s beautiful life. He/she will live on in your heart.
I know I can’t make your pain go away, but I want you to know I’m here for you with a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen with, or anything else you may need.
Sending healing prayers and comforting hugs. I am so sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you and wishing you moments of peace and comfort as you remember someone who was so close to you.
We’re so very sorry for your loss. Our family will keep your family in our thoughts and prayers.
My heart goes out to you for the loss of your dear friend. I hope your happy memories will help you through this difficult time.
You and ___ were the ultimate duo. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Sympathy card messages for a colleague

Wishing you comfort and peace during this difficult time.
Sending love, thoughts, and prayers to you and your family during this tough time.
___ touched so many lives in the very best way. I’m grateful I got the chance to know him/her as both a colleague and a friend.
Holding you close in my thoughts and hoping you are doing okay.
Keeping you in my warmest thoughts as you navigate this difficult time — and wishing you hope and healing when you’re ready.
I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of ___. May the special memories you made together help you through this difficult time.
We’re saddened to hear about the passing of ___. We share in your sorrow.
Please accept my deepest condolences to you over the loss of ___. I offer you my heartfelt support and friendship in this difficult time.

Sympathy card messages for acquaintances

sympathy card Healing Tears Blue White — Healing Tears
Blue & White

Photo of a sympathy fruit basket — Wishing You Peace Sympathy Fruit Gift Basket

sympathy card Heavenly Angels Wind Chimes — Heavenly Angels
Wind Chimes

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Thinking of you in these difficult times.
I’m so sorry to hear about ___. I know how much his/her smile brightened your day. I’m here if you want to talk.
We’re sorry to hear about the passing of ___. Sending love.

Condolence messages for the loss of a parent

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Your mother/father was a wonderful person who touched the lives of many. May you find strength and solace in the memories you shared together.
Please accept my heartfelt condolences on the passing of your mother/father. Her/his love and guidance will forever be a part of you, and her/his memory will live on in the hearts of those who knew her/him.
I can’t find the words to express how sorry I am for your loss. Your mother/father’s legacy of kindness and love will continue to inspire us all. Please know that I’m here for you during this difficult time.
Losing a parent is an unimaginable pain. Please remember that you’re not alone in your grief. Lean on the love and support of friends and family as you navigate through this difficult journey.
I was deeply saddened to hear about the passing of your mother/father. May you find comfort in the cherished moments you shared together, and may her/his memory bring you peace.
During this time of loss, I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Your mother/father’s spirit will forever shine through you, and her/his love will continue to guide your path.
I extend my deepest sympathies to you and your family. Your mother/father’s legacy will live on through the love and wisdom she/he passed on to you. May you find strength in her/his memory.
The loss of a parent leaves a void that words cannot fill. Please accept my heartfelt condolences, and may you find comfort in the arms of those who care about you.
I am holding you close in my thoughts as you navigate through this painful time. Your mother/father’s presence will always be felt, and her/his love will continue to surround you.
My heart aches for you and your family during this time of loss. Your mother/father’s life was a true blessing, and her/his memory will forever be a source of inspiration.

Condolence messages for the loss of a sibling

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved brother/sister. His/her presence brought light and joy into many lives. During this difficult time, please know that my thoughts are with you.
My heart aches for you as you navigate through the pain of losing your brother/sister. His/her memory will forever be cherished, and his/her spirit will live on in the hearts of those who loved him/her.
I can’t begin to understand the pain you’re feeling, but please know that I’m here for you. Your brother/sister’s kindness and love will forever be remembered.
Losing a brother/sister is an unimaginable loss. May you find strength in the shared memories, and may his/her spirit guide you through the challenging days ahead.
During this time of grief, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Your brother/sister’s legacy of laughter and love will always be a part of you.
I offer my heartfelt sympathies for the loss of your dear brother/sister. His/her impact on your life, and the lives of others, is a testament to the beautiful soul he/she was.
I was deeply saddened to hear about the passing of your brother/sister. Please know that I’m here to offer support, a listening ear, and a shoulder to lean on.
Your brother/sister’s memory will forever live on in the stories, laughter, and love you shared. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this challenging time.
Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am for your loss. Your brother/sister’s spirit will always shine through you, and his/her memory will be a source of strength.
Losing a sibling is a heartache that words cannot heal. I offer my sincere condolences, and I hope you find comfort in the love and support of those around you.

Condolence messages for the loss of a spouse

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved husband/wife. His/her love and presence brought so much light into your life, and the lives of others. Please know that I am here for you during this difficult time.
During this time of profound sorrow, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Your husband/wife’s memory will forever live on in your heart, and in the cherished moments you shared.
I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re feeling, but I’m here to support you in any way I can. Your husband/wife’s love was a gift to all who knew him/her.
My heart aches for you as you navigate this unimaginable loss. Your husband/wife’s impact on your life is immeasurable, and his/her memory will continue to shine brightly.
Please accept my deepest condolences on your husband/wife’s passing. His/her love and companionship were a beautiful chapter in your life’s story.
Losing a spouse is an indescribable loss. May you find comfort in the shared memories, and may ___‘s love continue to guide you in the days ahead.
Your husband/wife’s legacy of love and kindness will forever be remembered. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you find your way through this difficult journey.
I offer my heartfelt sympathies during this incredibly challenging time. Your husband/wife’s memory will forever be a source of strength and inspiration.
The loss of a spouse leaves a void that words cannot fill. Please remember that I am here to support you, listen, and share in your grief.
Your husband/wife’s presence in your life was a true blessing. His/her memory will forever be a part of your story, and his/her love will continue to comfort you.

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Condolence messages for the loss of a son or daughter

There are no words that can express the depth of sorrow I feel for your loss. Your precious son/daughter’s memory will forever remain in our hearts.
I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved son/daughter. His/her light touched so many lives, and his/her memory will continue to shine.
No parent should ever have to experience the pain of losing a child. My heart aches for you, and I hope you find strength in the love and support surrounding you.
The loss of a child is a pain that words cannot heal. I offer my heartfelt condolences and hope that the cherished moments you shared will bring you some comfort.
During this time of profound grief, please know that you are not alone. Your son/daughter’s spirit will forever remain in the hearts of all who knew and loved him/her.
I can’t find the words to convey how sorry I am for your loss. Your son/daughter’s memory will forever be a reminder of the love and joy he/she brought into the world.
My heart breaks for you as you navigate through this unimaginable sorrow. Your son/daughter’s legacy of love and kindness will forever be remembered.
The loss of your precious son/daughter is a loss felt by all who knew him/her. May the love and memories you shared bring you some measure of comfort during this difficult time.
I offer my deepest condolences on the passing of your beloved son/daughter. His/her time with us was too short, but his/her impact was immeasurable.
During this time of grief, may you find solace in the love and memories you shared with your son/daughter. His/her spirit lives on in the lives he/she touched.

Amanda Kloots Talks Broadway, Grief, and the Power of Flowers

Our series “Reimagining Grief” encourages you to rethink your understanding of grief. Through personal stories, informative articles, and uplifting videos, we’ll guide you to a peaceful, pleasant mindset and understanding. Bestselling author and talk show host Amanda Kloots joined 1-800-FLOWERS.COM, Inc., founder Jim McCann for the latest installment of the Celebrations Book Club.

Celebrations Book Club: A Chat with Amanda Kloots

When Jim McCann interviewed Amanda Kloots over Zoom for the most recent Celebrations Book Club event, it felt like two friends connecting about all the things that matter in life. In fact, over the course of the hour-long conversation between the founder of 1-800-FLOWERS.COM, Inc., and the host of The Talk, the two covered everything from Kloots’ New York Times bestseller Live Your Life, about how she’s dealt with the death of her husband, actor Nick Cordero, from complications related to COVID-19; to why the time is now to connect with those you love; to what life is like for Kloots as mom to her son, Elvis, who turns 3 in June.

Here are some highlights from their talk.

McCann: I loved reading your book and hearing your story. I’m imagining this young gal in Canton, Ohio, who has this dream of moving to New York City and becoming a Rockette. Growing up in Queens, my sisters had that dream. How did your dream come true?

Kloots: A lot of hard work, a lot of determination, a lot of lessons, and a lot of not giving up! I started dancing at age 10. I fell in love with musical theater and performing. So, when I was 18 and it was time to go to school, I begged my parents to let me move to New York City and go to musical theater conservatory to pursue my dreams. Luckily enough, I was successful.

a photo of amanda kloots with her Dancing with the Stars partner, Alan Bersten — Kloots with her *Dancing with the Stars* partner, Alan Bersten.

McCann: I know you talk a lot about the Broadway community. As a florist, I had Broadway people working at our shops. It seems like there’s such a strong community among theater people.

Kloots: There’s nothing like the Broadway community. It’s a beautiful group of people. It’s because we all understand the struggle. I think that sense of determination and resilience creates the most beautiful community of people that will continue to be there for you, to be your friend, to support you like no other group will.

McCann: To achieve what you have, including your recent stint on Dancing with the Stars, there must be a strong competitive streak in you?

Kloots: I like to work. I like to hustle. I don’t know if I would say “competitive.” I really learned in my Broadway days that I like to stay in my own lane. I put blinders on, and I focus on my dreams, my intentions, what I want to accomplish in my life. It’s more so competing against myself if anything.

McCann: Your book is a huge hit. Writing it must have taken a similar commitment.

Kloots: It did. My sister [Anna], who wrote it with me, was living in Paris and we were up against a deadline, so that was a bit of a challenge. In retrospect, I’m so glad we had to do it quickly. There was so much information in my head, so many medical terms, numbers, dates, and details that are in this book. If you asked me to write it now, I wouldn’t be as descriptive.

a photo of amanda kloots: holding her book Live Your Life — Photo courtesy of Amanda Kloots

McCann: Were you journaling when you went through that horrific experience?

Kloots: I didn’t write anything down. I don’t journal, but it’s what I lived and breathed for 95 days. It was all right here in my head: what I was wearing, eating, what the doctor said, how I felt. I remember everything.

McCann: What are you focusing on right now?

Kloots: The book is becoming a movie, and I’m writing that screenplay right now. I’m also creating a Christmas movie with CBS, and I will be starring in it and filming it this summer. Plus, I have a children’s book in the works and I still run my fitness business. I’m always working on that.

McCann: If you can forecast forward, what do you want to accomplish in the next five years?

Kloots: That’s a great question, but I don’t know what the answer is. I’m a vision board kind of girl, but if you asked me five years ago “Do you think you would be a talk show host with a New York Times bestselling book and a screenplay?” I would have laughed in your face. I don’t know what the world holds, and I don’t know if I would want to guess. Life is so full of surprises, and I’m trying to be very present in today and be excited about what the future holds.

McCann: When do you think about what you’re grateful for?

Kloots: I do that a lot in my car. I pray a lot in my car. I tell God how grateful I am for my health, to be going to a job I love. I talk to Nick [her late husband] a lot in the car. I also find the little things in a day that are worth remembering, that remind you how lucky you are, like every time I look at my son. Pick one flower a day you’re grateful for and, at the end of the week, you have a beautiful bouquet. You can steal that for a campaign — I’ll give you that one for free!

a photo of amanda kloots: amanda and nick with baby elvis

a photo of amanda kloots: amanda and nick with elvis — Photos courtesy of Amanda Kloots

a photo of amanda kloots: nick and amanda with elvis

McCann: Having gone through what you went through, what would you tell people in terms of what to say to someone who is in pain?

Kloots: You have to express yourself. You have to get it out. Trauma will eat you alive if you keep it in. What I’ve learned from writing the book, recording the audio book. and dancing through my grief is that every time I share my story it heals me and takes the weight off my pain and grief. My best advice is to write things down, join a group, do therapy, and find any way you can to release that pain and suffering.

McCann: What’s the best way to be there for a friend who is going through a hard time?

Kloots: Be your authentic self. If you’re a helper, help. If you’re a baker, come over and bake. If you’re a comedian, come over and tell me jokes. If your instinct is to send a card or flowers or say I love you, do it.

Note: This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

How to Support Grieving Friends During the Holidays and Beyond

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

We can always do better when someone we care about is dealing with loss. And what better time to start talking about this than during the winter holiday season, a period laden with celebrations, twinkly lights, presents … and tough times.

A lot of people around us are struggling, even if they don’t look like it. At the very least, it’s a bittersweet time of year for many.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about practical ways in which we can support our friends, relatives, colleagues, and even neighbors who might be struggling during this season and beyond. She was joined by Mekel Harris, a psychologist who specializes in grief and loss-related trauma.

Navigating and Cultivating Friendship in the Wake of Loss

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:

Compassion = caring + action

You might care a lot, but that won’t make a difference until you pair it with action. And the action doesn’t have to be anything heroic; it can be as easy as checking someone’s mailbox or dropping off some food. Consider your relationship with the grieving person and the extent of your connection. Wherever you fall – be it a best friend, colleague, neighbor – there is always some small, tangible action that you can take. Figure out what that is and do it.

Pre-game your support before a celebration

If you know that a grieving person in your life will be at an event you’re attending, get in touch with them in advance. Make it clear that you can be a point person for anything they need. For example, come up with a signal or phrase that they can use if they’re having a tough time, or offer to leave with them at any moment, or step out for a breather together. Doing so creates a sense of accountability for you and makes them feel like they don’t have to “get through” it alone.

It’s OK to admit this stuff is uncomfortable

Grieving people are fully aware that their presence might be weird for many people around them, and many are nervous about being the “buzz kill” in any setting, especially a festive one. It’s OK to acknowledge to them out loud that the topic is awkward for you: Just naming the elephant in the room can be incredibly powerful.

Avoid doing the thoughtless thing that many of us think is thoughtful

The worst thing you can do is nothing at all. People need to be seen, heard, and validated, which is especially true in the face of loss. Witnessing grief is a powerful thing.

Sometimes we naturally try to avoid a topic that is upsetting to us – i.e., grief – because it makes us uncomfortable. We tell ourselves that we will just make the griever uncomfortable because we will be reminding them of something painful. But bringing up someone’s loss during a time of celebrations won’t trigger any particular memory for that person. On the contrary, the chances are overwhelming that they are already thinking about their loved one.

Go with this instead: “Hey, I see that this may be a hard time for you….” Without suggesting anything, this simple phrase opens the door to a conversation.

Keep trying

Nobody has grief figured out. It’s OK to learn along the way; you are not tasked with being the “end all, be all” in that person’s grief journey. And just because someone doesn’t want to accept your invitation to dinner or a holiday event one week doesn’t mean they will always decline. Keep at it and keep showing you care. The other person will always remember that you tried.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Ways to Support Yourself and Others Experiencing Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.

An estimated 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. In the United States, nearly 25,000 babies are stillborn each year, and more than 20,000 infants die shortly after birth. Chances are, either you or someone you know has experienced one or all these traumatic losses.

And yet miscarriages and stillbirths are still known as the “silent sorrow.” In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss‘s Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion about these excruciating and complicated losses. She was joined by Andrea Syrtash, founder of Pregnantish, a site dedicated to helping people navigate infertility and modern-family building.

As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, the discussion focused on how we can elevate the conversation about what so many families endure worldwide.

Light After Loss: Destigmatizing the 'Silent Sorrow'

Here are some key takeaways:

Why do we do such a poor job of talking about these types of losses in our culture?

Pregnancy and infant loss have been, unfortunately, viewed as a taboo for much of history. In many parts of the world, women are seen in a different light when they have trouble procreating (though 50% of fertility cases are male factors). And so the shame associated with these types of losses can run deep (“What’s wrong with me? “Why isn’t my body working as it should?”)

Yet even the most seemingly perfect-looking family can have its own painful history. The more we start talking about our experiences, the more we can destigmatize the shame that still surrounds them.

Acknowledgment is integral when it comes to emotionally healing from a pregnancy or infant loss.

Many of us tend to distract ourselves with other thoughts because imagining the details of a pregnancy or infant-related loss is so painful. But just because we ignore someone else’s reality, it doesn’t mean they aren’t living it every single day. When we shy away from acknowledging this specific type of loss, we can make someone feel invisible.

How can you make someone feel acknowledged in their loss?

Photo of a woman who recently experienced a pregnancy loss

First, the don’ts: Besides complete silence, there are three words you should avoid when talking to someone suffering a pregnancy or infant loss: “Just,” “should,” and “at least.” Such statements – “At least you got pregnant,” “You should just adopt,” “and “Just think positively,” to name a few examples – only serve to minimize experiences. (And a note on telling someone to think positively: Keep in mind that people in war-torn countries deliver healthy babies every day in a stressed state. Positive thinking can only go so far.) Remember, unsolicited advice should not be your first step.

Now, the dos: The best thing to “say” to someone is to actually listen. Beyond that, feel like you can ask them how they are doing or how you can specifically be helpful during any given moment. Do they need help cleaning their house? Entertaining another child? Help with meals? And just meeting them where they are is powerful: “I’m sorry, that must be so hard” and “I am so sorry this happened to you” can go very far, as can asking someone what their baby’s name is, or what they were thinking of naming them. These children were likely very much alive in a parent’s mind and heart no matter when or how the loss took place. Offer a space where they can talk about them.

There are no Grief Olympics. If it’s hard for you, it’s a valid experience.

Sometimes people get caught up in comparing their grief experiences with those of others (“I’ve only had one miscarriage, but they had a stillbirth”). But heartache is heartache, and this is a defining moment in your life that is worthy of being acknowledged as a deep loss. The grief you are feeling is necessary.

Ways to find community surrounding this specific type of loss.

It always helps to have a few people on your list for when you really need to talk, vent, ask questions, or just lose it for a few minutes.

Social media can be overwhelming, but when it comes to pregnancy and infant loss, it can be a powerful community builder. Hashtags like #miscarriageawareness, #pregnancylossawareness, and #infantlossawareness bring people together to mourn, share, grieve and also access information. There are a lot of questions after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. You may not fully understand why you miscarried or why your baby died.

Beyond the digital realm, it always helps to have a few people on your list for when you really need to talk, vent, ask questions, or just lose it for a few minutes. And oftentimes, they aren’t the obvious ones, such as your best friend. The opportunity for connection with other people who come out of the woodwork for you is vast: a friend of a friend who also had a miscarriage, a clergy person you happened to have a meaningful and helpful conversation with, etc. Once you know you have a few people you can rely on, you don’t need every single person to understand what you’re going through, because you will feel less alone and acknowledged.

Remember that ‘unmet love’ or ‘briefly met love’ is still love.

Just because you never met your baby, or only got to hold them after they were stillborn, or briefly got to know them after they were born, that relationship is still a relationship. You can still love someone that you didn’t fully know, and that’s worthy of respect. Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.