Mark Teich, Author at 1800Flowers Petal Talk

Want to Make Valentine’s Day More Fun? Give Gifts to All

Valentine’s Day wasn’t always limited to celebrating romantic love. In fact, experts say St. Valentine himself had an expansive definition of love and how it can be shared.

Increasingly, people recognize that Feb. 14 isn’t just about celebrating your significant other. It’s also an opportunity to celebrate moms, dads, grandparents, kids, stepkids, friends, and even your fourth-grade teacher who still emails you about her favorite class-time memories.

But this shift raises a question: As traditional Valentine’s Day morphs into a Valentine’s Day for all, what do we give to one another to express our feelings? We spoke to experts for advice.

Start with a card

The simplest form of expression is a greeting card that conveys, in your own writing, your feelings for the recipient.

“Giving a card is a must because what we write in the card is particularly important,” says writer/artist Deanna Washington, author of “The Language of Gifts.” “It’s a way to express what we specifically appreciate about the people in our lives.”

ideas for valentines day gifts Gnome Personalized Valentines Day Oversized Greeting Card — Gnome Personalized Valentine’s Day Oversized Greeting Card

Valentines Day card x — Love Quotes Personalized Oversized Greeting Card

ideas for valentines day gifts My One Only Personalized Heart Greeting Card — My One & Only Personalized Heart Greeting Card

For example, she says, you could give everyone in your office Valentine’s Day cards to call out exactly what you like about them. Messages could include:

“Hey, I dig how cheerful you are on Mondays. Mondays make me want to be a grouch, but your attitude really makes things better.”
“I just want you to know that I notice YOU are the one who makes coffee when the pot is empty. Thank you!”
“I appreciate that you always have ideas even when no one else does.”

Don’t forget the gift

Gifts, like cards, should be personalized. She prefers to give people Valentine’s Day flowers or other gifts that represent the recipient or symbolize the relationship.

“Gifts should be more symbolic on this day, to represent just what that person means to you,” she says. “’My friend, I’m giving you this daisy because the open face of this flower is its true glory, and your open honesty is what I can always count on from you.’ Or to a beloved aunt: ‘I’m giving you chocolates because you bring such richness into my life.'”

ideas for valentines day gifts with giving heart charm bracelet — The Giving Heart Charm Bracelet

ideas for valentines day gifts Large Satin Heart Box with Heart Truffles — Large Satin Heart Box w/Heart Truffles

Gifts shouldn’t be too extravagant, says Mark Williams, Ph.D., professor of cognitive neuroscience at Macquarie University in Sydney. Instead, they should make everyone feel like they can get involved without too much strain on the pocketbook. And, most important, they should show you’ve really thought about the person and given them something special to them.

“Personalized socks or boxers with a picture of their face or their dog is a possibility,” says Julie Kenney, founder and president of The Gifting Experts, a company that creates gift bags for celebrity and charity events. “Or even personalized jewelry or cookies. You can also give them the gift of an experience that you know they’ll love.”

Consider giving the gift of time

Along those lines, says Ellen Langer, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Harvard, you don’t technically have to get a gift at all. “Instead of buying things to show your affection, why not just do special things for people you care about?” she says.

Williams agrees that the greatest gift we can give someone is our time — especially just spending time with them. “I think creating a meal, like at Thanksgiving or Christmas, where we all sit and eat together, would be an especially important new tradition.”

Valentine’s Day gifts for all shopping guide

Here are other ideas for Valentine’s Day gifts for everyone on your list.

ideas for valentines day gifts with straight from the heart bouquet

For mom

Wait, is it Mother’s Day already? Give mom that flower delivery moment when she receives her favorite floral arrangement. Mother’s Day may come just once a year, but you can create another opportunity to say you love her with flowers, such as this Straight from the Heart arrangement, on this day of love.

ideas for valentines day gifts Whiskey Decanter

For dad

You’ve caused the man enough stress in his life; now get him something that will help him decompress and relax. This nifty-looking decanter comes in four distinct styles, and will house his favorite whiskey, scotch, brandy, or another liquor of his choice. If you’re lucky, he may even pour you a glass from it (but don’t count on it).

ideas for valentines day gifts Lotsa Love Big Bear

For young kids

Your little ones are going to be seriously excited when they receive a plush bear that can include a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Great for naps, reading, and imaginative play.

ideas for valentines day gifts with mini cupcakes

For older kids

Your tweens, teens, and college-aged kids may have graduated from chicken fingers, but it will be hard for them to ever resist something sweet. Gift them a dozen Little Whisk Chocolate Lover’s Mini Cupcakes that come in 12 totally unique flavors, including chocolate peppermint, toasted coconut, and s’mores.

ideas for valentines day gifts Hoya Heart Succulents

For friends

Two peas in a pod, or is it two Hoya Hearts Succulents in a container embossed with a heart? Plants are having a moment, as they’re easy to care for and beautiful — a gift that is an apt metaphor for your friendship.

ideas for valentines day gifts with ballotin and drizzled strawberries

For someone special

Give double the sweetness with both Godiva chocolates and chocolate-covered strawberries in a heart-shaped box. Your loved one will be overjoyed by the thoughtful gesture. Buy two and share!

Psychology Behind Buying Gifts for Your Pets

a graphic for the giving is the gift content series

I’m not a fan of dressing pets up in silly costumes. It’s mostly just a kick for the owners, imposing a human pastime on animals — and I don’t think the animals like it. As Dr. Nancy Dunkle, founder of Exclusively Cats Veterinary Hospital in Medford, New Jersey, noted to PetCoach, “I’ve never seen a cat wearing a costume or clothing that looked happy per his facial and body language.”

But another human-pet activity that traditionally stays among humans is gaining in popularity — buying gifts for a pet — and for good reason: Both humans and pets like it and benefit from it, and it brings them closer together. I’m not talking about the usual perfunctory treat reward for good behavior but making more of a production of it, say wrapping a gift up in a box with ribbons and bows, and presenting it to Fido, the same way we give our friends and family gifts on birthdays and at Christmas.

If this sounds extreme, did you know that, according to a PetFinder.com poll, 63% of dog owners and 58% of cat owners give their pets Christmas presents? About 40% of cat and dog owners even hang stockings for their pets, and, overall, Americans spend $5 billion annually on holiday gifts for pets.

Turns out, there are many good reasons to follow their lead.

Gifts for pets with a dog laying on a bed surrounded by toys and treats.

The psychological benefits to you

Numerous studies have shown that giving presents to someone benefits both the giver and recipient psychologically, and often the giver feels even better than the recipient. Research also shows that giving your pet a gift lifts your mood as well.

A 2007 study by Virginia Commonwealth University found that people who give their pets gifts do it with the conscious aim of making the animals happy and improving their comfort and care. However, the study also revealed the subconscious self-directed rewards of giving, since, unlike human gift recipients, pets can’t directly give gifts back.

“When you’re giving to another person, you have this pressure of reciprocity, but it’s not there with a pet,” noted study coauthor Tracy Ryan, formerly an associate professor of advertising research at Virginia Commonwealth. “It shows that a lot of the pleasure is in the giving.”

“However, it’s not really true that pets don’t give back,” says Dr. Ellen Langer, a professor of psychology at Harvard University. “In general, the more I give to my dog, for example, the more loving the dog is to me, so there is reciprocity of a different sort.”

When you give a gift to your dog, it’s sort of pure. You just assume the dog is going to like it, you feel relaxed, the dog senses that you’re relaxed, and the interaction is loving.
Dr. Ellen Langer, professor of psychology, Harvard University

A 2021 study shows that we may actually derive more psychological benefits from giving gifts to our pets than we do giving gifts to fellow humans.

A research team led by Michael White in the Columbia Business School at Columbia University sought to find out if we gain as much happiness giving a gift to a dog as we do giving gifts to ourselves or to another person.

In the first part of the experiment, they asked 159 pet owners to remember a time when they spent money on one of three recipients: themselves, their pet, or another person. The amount of money was a modest $5.

When recalling an instance when they spent the money on their pets, participants generally remembered buying them new toys, treats, or outfits. Just after they recalled their spending, the participants answered questions to determine how happy they were at that moment. The result: On average, people felt happiest when recalling spending money on their pet.

Gifts for pets with a small dog sitting on a bed next to a basket of toys and treats.

In the second part of the experiment, a different group of participants was asked to actually spend $5 on one of the same three groups of recipients. They were then emailed a survey to complete after they finished spending. Again, the participants who spent money on their pets reported feeling happier than those who spent money on themselves. They were also happier than those who spent money on another person.

“I’m not surprised by those findings,” Langer says. “When you give yourself a gift, part of you feels you’re being a little selfish. When you give a gift to another person, there’s always the worry that you’ve given the wrong thing and they’re not going to appreciate it. But when you give a gift to your dog, it’s sort of pure. You just assume the dog is going to like it, you feel relaxed, the dog senses that you’re relaxed, and the interaction is loving.”

The psychological benefits to your pet

In the ideal circumstances for a pet, you come to feel that they are part of your family, and when you feel that way and act accordingly, the pet comes to feel the same way. So, if it’s Christmas, and you’re going through the usual rituals with a tree, stockings, and gift giving, it makes sense to immerse your pet in all that along with the rest of your family.

Gifts for pets with a woman holding a present sitting next to a dog.

“Pets obviously don’t understand what Christmas is or that it’s their birthday, but they like to be included in the things we’re doing, and if they see you giving a gift to someone else and see the happy reaction, they’re primed to enjoy it if you give something to them as well. It helps them feel part of the family,” says animal behaviorist Dr. Zazie Todd, author of the blog Companion Animal Psychology.

Todd also sees value in making a production out of giving the gift, such as putting it in a box with ribbons and bows, the same way you do for the rest of your family and friends. “If you put the gift inside a box or other container, complete with wrapping paper, it’s similar to how little children react: The wrapping is part of the experience. In fact, a lot of dogs and cats might enjoy shredding the paper and tearing the box apart to get the gift, and even sitting in the box in the end. It’s all part of their happy experience.”

What to give

There are many things about gifting for your pets that make it easier than giving to humans. First, it doesn’t need to be expensive. A box of treats or toys is all you need. And it’s fine to keep giving the same kinds of gifts again and again, Todd says, because you know what your pet loves and the toys and activities they enjoy, and those things don’t tend to change.

gifts for pets Welcome Home Gift Basket — Max & Milo® Welcome Home Gift Basket

gifts for pets with personalized cat bowls — Kitty Kitchen Personalized Cat Bowls

gifts for pets Plush Dog Toy Combo — Midnight Snack Crinkle And Squeaky Plush Dog Toy Combo

Todd is especially fond of toys like snuffle mats that force the animal to think to get food out of it. Such toys provide mental enrichment, which dogs and cats need throughout their lives to achieve their full potential. “These things keep them active and happier, and also help prevent behavior issues,” she says.

Todd stresses that giving the gift of your time and company is just as important as what you give. “Pets love the things we give them, and being there to see them enjoy them brings us closer to them,” she says. “We get to share that experience with them and see the happiness it brings them. Positive experiences like that are good for their welfare, and it builds a better bond between you.”

9 Ways to Make the Most of Summer

Summer may be the same length as the three other seasons, but for some reason it feels shorter. Depending on how you read the calendar, we have two or three months at most before we’re all supposed to put the summer whites away and get back to business as usual. So, we want to put this time to the best use we can. Carpe diem! (That means “Seize the day!” for those who don’t speak Latin.)

Here are nine ways to make the most of summer while spending time with others…or reenergizing yourself.

1. Take short vacations

“Less is more” is a key credo for psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert, despite the title of his book, Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. With our day-to-day lives being so dang busy, now is not the time for a huge vacation, he says. “Not only is that expensive, it takes a lot of time, energy, and stress to plan it. Then it takes a few days on the trip to get out of work mode, and a couple of days before it ends you’re thinking about work again.” So, you’re wasting half the trip with anxieties about work. Where’s the fun in that?

“What’s better is to take long weekends,” he recommends. “It takes less mental energy, costs less, and you’re not stressed by missing work for so long.” You don’t get disoriented or fall behind.

photo of make the most of summer with a woman leaning against her car staring out at the sky

While platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram give us a sense of community, they also have the drawback of being intensely competitive when people post lavish trips and vacation spots. “They create keep-up-with-the-Joneses feelings,” Alpert says. “Don’t let social media influence where you go for vacation. Just disconnect and base your decisions on your own research and discussions with your significant other.”

Then, when you’re on vacation, the pressure to report your experiences to social media in real time can also take you out of the experience itself. Don’t curate your vacation. “The more time you spend on social media, the more you miss what’s right in front of you,” Alpert says. In other words, your fear of missing out — or FOMO, as the kids call it — should be over a real beach, not a photo of one.

photo of make the most of summer with a couple on a picnic

3. Get back to nature

One way to replace that tech overstimulation is through immersion in the natural world. “It’s summer, so anything you can do to get outdoors and be around flowers and plants is a great move,” says Brielle Merchant, MHA, a certified health educator and registered yoga teacher.

The following three suggestions are all activities Merchant recommends that you do out in nature.

4. Grounding

This involves getting down and dirty with Mother Earth. “You lie down, take your shoes off, and put your feet on the ground with your arms and legs out,” Merchant explains. “It reduces stress and feelings of anxiety and depression, lifting your mood. It can also improve your sleep and help you be more present in your everyday life.”

5. Journaling

“Making daily entries in a diary outdoors is a great way to gain clarity and understanding,” Merchant says. Parks are a perfect place to do this, she notes. “They’re beautiful, normally quiet, and they often have water fountains and gazebos you can sit under.”

6. Coloring, drawing, painting

Any of these practiced out in the beauty of nature will lower your stress and anxiety, and improve your mood and sleep quality, Merchant says. “They also improve your focus and patience. Plus, they’re great ways to improve our motor skills.” For those who aren’t particularly gifted in art, Merchant recommends adult coloring books, which you can find at your local art store.

7. Meditation or yoga

Listen to the audio of a meditation you like when you’re out in nature. This gives you a double dose of serenity: one from the meditation, one from the location. The same goes for yoga outdoors. “Yoga is especially great because it also helps you improve your balance and increases your strength,” Merchant explains.

8. Cook and eat plant-based foods

In addition to being out in nature, it’s a great time to put some nature in you, Merchant advises. If possible, purchase vegetables, fruits, and beans from your local farmers market. Even if you only have access to grocery stores, summer is the perfect time to explore new produce or cook it in a new way. “Plant-based foods improve your mood, energize you, and reduce your risk of cardiovascular diseases and diabetes.” They also give you new ways to stay hydrated in summer, Merchant adds. “Just add plant-based foods like mint or blueberries to your water to make it more interesting. It’s far healthier than sugary sodas.”

9. Reconnect

photo of make the most of summer with friends meeting for a picnic

Summer is the perfect time for reunions with loved ones and friends that you haven’t seen in a while. “Start a new family tradition,” Alpert recommends. “Go hiking, hit the beach, visit a new city together…and if you all love it, make it a point to do it regularly.” And if you’re a couple, it’s the perfect opportunity to work on your relationship. “Just getting away from work is a start, and relaxation enhances romance,” Alpert says. “You can just focus on each other.”

“The healthier the thing is that you do together, the better,” Merchant says. “Science shows that any good habit you’re trying to develop, if you do it with a loved one or friend who can keep you accountable, it really increases your chances of not just adhering to it but establishing it as a long-term lifestyle choice.”

Dad Brain: How Fatherhood Affects the Mind

a photo of mark teich's two sons — The Teich children

When my wife and I became engaged, we planned on having children. It was actually her plan, and though I hadn’t thought much about raising kids, I loved her enough to go along with it.

After we said our I-do’s, she got pregnant. I wasn’t sure what kind of father I would be, but after many months, Lamaze classes, and OB/GYN meetings, something must have clicked. When our first son arrived, I was all in. When I wasn’t at the office, I shared equally in feedings, diaper changes, playing, hugging, kissing, and baby talk. We took turns walking up and down the long hallway in our apartment much of the night to stop our son’s crying and get him to sleep. Though it was exhausting, it all seemed natural, and I didn’t analyze it.

But now, researchers worldwide are analyzing what goes on in a new father’s mind during pregnancy and childhood, and their findings are mind blowing — and another reason to celebrate dads. It’s well established that pregnant mothers have hormonal and cerebral changes during pregnancy and childhood that enhance their parenting skills. It turns out that fathers — despite not actually carrying the baby — simultaneously go through comparable changes.

“We haven’t given fathers much credit as primary caregivers, and we’ve rarely thought about them at all as expectant parents,” says developmental neuroscientist Helena Rutherford, Ph.D., associate professor at Yale University’s Child Study Center. “We’ve acted as though once the baby arrives they simply become fathers. But, actually, the psychological, neurological, and hormonal changes that start to unfold in them during pregnancy are on a parallel path with the mothers.”

A tale of testosterone

A key focus of the research is what happens to fathers’ testosterone levels. In 2011, a landmark study led by Lee Gettler, Ph.D., at the University of Notre Dame followed 624 non-fathers over time. It found that those with higher testosterone levels were most likely to become partnered fathers by the time of follow-up 4 1/2 years later; they then soon experienced large declines in their testosterone levels that were far greater than the declines in men who remained non-fathers. Furthermore, the fathers who reported three hours or more a day of childcare had far lower testosterone levels than those who weren’t involved in childcare.

a photo of dad braIn with a dad and baby

Lee observed that testosterone appeared to be a “mediator” between mating and parenting, with high levels predicting mating success and declining levels predicting parenting success. Put another way: Nature provides high testosterone to drive the hunt for a mate, but once a mate is found, lower levels reduce the mating drive so the now gentler, less driven father can focus on raising his family.

These substantial testosterone drops may be a modern phenomenon, since not long ago so many offspring died in childbirth or early childhood that fathers wanted to keep producing progeny. Higher testosterone remained helpful. But with child survival way up and economics dictating against raising multiple children, most families aim for fewer kids. “Testosterone levels may reflect these different reproductive strategies,” says Darby Saxbe, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the University of Southern California. “Now, we might have only one or two or three children, but we invest in them tremendously. Rather than maximizing the number of offspring you produce, you want to maximize the survival of each offspring, so you’re shifting away from a mating strategy toward a nurturing strategy.” Ergo, lower testosterone.

My wife is in her seventh month, and I keep feeling more warmth and paternal communion with the baby.

David Zachary

Father

In the past few years, scientists have shown that testosterone levels start to drop dramatically in fathers before the baby is born, especially in the last trimester. The closer to the due date, it seems, the more nature prepares men for child rearing. David Zachary, a soon-to-be father, reflects this phenomenon perfectly. “My wife is in her seventh month, and I keep feeling more warmth and paternal communion with the baby,” he says. “When you first talk to the baby, it’s like talking to some fantasy future thing that will exist; the conversation is really just in your mind. But now, he keeps getting bigger and more fully formed on the ultrasound. He’s viable. We have an app that tells the different stages of development, and I know that when I talk to my wife’s belly now, I’m talking to a person who is actually hearing me. He’s real to me now.”

A warm bath in the brain

While the lion’s share of the research has centered on testosterone, that’s not the only hormonal game in town. As testosterone goes down, other hormones, such as oxytocin and prolactin — the same ones that surge in new moms — also surge in dads. This research is newer, but it looks like the whole warm bath of the so-called maternal hormones may also be prepping dads for parenting.

Rutherford cites the work of professor Ruth Feldman, a developmental social neuroscientist who recently showed that, like mothers, fathers have increased levels of oxytocin — the attachment hormone — during pregnancy. After the baby is born, the parents’ oxytocin levels keep increasing, if they have tactile contact with it. As with mothers, the more fathers touch, play, and engage with their child, the more oxytocin they develop, cementing their bonds with the baby.

Similarly, Lee’s research showing that testosterone levels dropped in the perinatal period also showed that levels of prolactin — the hormone that produces milk in mothers — rose in fathers during the same time. The rise started in pregnancy and soared higher after the baby was born, and started interacting with the father. Other research has shown that dads who have the greatest response to infant cries also have the highest prolactin levels. So, it appears that while dads don’t have the intimate privilege of breast-feeding, prolactin is an emotional hormone that makes them better, more responsive fathers.

A 2014 study led by Feldman found that men go through similar changes to their brain as mothers in the perinatal period — the reduction of gray matter that distracts from childrearing and an increase in gray matter that enhances childrearing.

“The interplay of all these systems appears to be important in fathers as well as mothers,” Rutherford says.

Meeting of the minds

The fact that fathers, despite not bearing children themselves, go through all these hormonal changes that make them, in a sense, more like the mothers — less libidinous and more nurturing — appears to be nature’s ingenious way of getting everybody on the same team, in the same mindset, to give maximum love and care to their child. Saxbe points to research showing that intimate partners tend to synchronize with each other.

“One thought is that when cohabitating with a pregnant partner our patterning of hormones is being influenced by the partner,” she says. “And that may be setting up men to be more biologically prepared for parenthood.”

The Psychology of Giving and the Importance of Mindful Gifts

It goes without saying that we give gifts to show we care. But it’s equally true that the gift fully serves that purpose only if it pleases the other person, and it will please them only if they find it meaningful.

“So, for example, even if you love French, don’t give somebody a book of French poetry in French if they don’t read French,” psychologist Ellen Langer says.

The gifts that best show you care make the recipient feel you know who they are, Langer explains. “That’s why having a secretary send out gifts for you isn’t generally met with glee because the secretary doesn’t really know who your recipients are,” says Langer, a professor at Harvard University.

The key to giving a good gift, she says, is knowing exactly why you are presenting that particular present to that particular person, ideally so that they also know and appreciate why you chose it. That way, you feel the reality of your own goodwill and generosity, and they feel they matter and deserved the thought you put into it. In this sense, giving is itself a gift: Both the giver and the recipient benefit from a stronger relationship.

Hormonal highs

When gift giving works this dual magic, it can trigger a flood of hormones for happiness and intimacy, such as the surge produced by giving birth.

“A huge amount of hormonal activity goes on, both when we give and when we receive,” says Mark Williams, professor of cognitive neuroscience at Macquarie University in Australia.

psychology of gifting with woman receiving a gift from a man.

The initial response in the gift recipient is a surge of dopamine, our happiness neurotransmitter. It surges in gift givers as well when they see their giftee’s happy response and feel their present was a success. This is especially true if you are there, fully part of the experience, when the recipient opens the present, Williams says.

The neurotransmitter serotonin, which helps us feel connected to others, also surges, as does oxytocin, the neurotransmitter that famously creates attachment and intimacy between parents and newborns. For them, physical touch plays a major role in triggering oxytocin, but in gifter and giftee, it’s more a metaphorical sense of “being touched” by each other thanks to a thoughtful present.

“When this neurotransmitter gets released, it opens us up and makes us more willing to share a bond with someone,” Williams says.

Humans are social animals, and for millions of years, notes Williams, we’ve relied on connections with one another to survive and thrive. “A huge amount of our brain is dedicated to these connections,” he says. “Gifting is a big part of that. When all these really important neurotransmitters are released, it makes both givers and receivers feel these connections.”

psychology of gifting with woman receiving a beautiful floral bouquet as a gift.

Strengthening the bonds

In fact, an especially thoughtful gift can create a more or less permanent bond between two people, says So Yon Rim, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at William Paterson University in Wayne, New Jersey. However, a thoughtless or inappropriate gift may have the opposite effect.

“I see the role of gifting to be quite significant in establishing interpersonal closeness,” Rim says. “Gifts that are appropriate and well received can affirm and strengthen the relationship, while a gift which seems thoughtless or inappropriate can weaken the relationship. In the worst-case scenario, it can even sever the relationship.”

Givers tend to focus on the ‘wow factor,’ the excitement of opening a gift. But that’s often not the main thing the recipient is looking for. Often, it’s the practicality of use.

So Yon Rim

Psychology professor

William Paterson University

Appropriateness, she explains, is a key factor behind the success of a gift; the most expensive, spectacular present is certainly not always the answer. Obviously, a gift that seems too little or insignificant can make someone feel unappreciated and resentful, but if it’s too much for the state of the relationship, it can feel awkward.

In either case, it can weaken the relationship.

Rim’s research has also found some surprising truths comparing high-quality gifts versus convenient, practical gifts. Past research, she says, found that givers typically chose quality over convenience; however, her work shows that recipients really put a higher premium on convenience.

“Givers tend to focus on the ‘wow factor,’ the excitement of opening a high-quality gift. But that’s often not the main thing the recipient is looking for. Often, it’s the practicality of use. For example, when you get a gift card to a restaurant that’s moderately rated but just 5 to 15 minutes from your house, it tends to make you feel closer to the giver than if you received a gift card to a five-star restaurant an hour away from you.”

This may show the recipient that the giver knows and appreciates her situation — perhaps she has two little children and taking a long drive with the kids to a fancy restaurant is untenable, whereas a quick trip to a simple, nearby restaurant where kids can be kids is more practical and satisfying.

“Our data show that this is especially true when the giver is able to communicate why they chose the gift they did, something like “I hope you really like this gift, because I thought about it, and I wanted to get you something that would be convenient and easy for you and the kids.”

Never be ashamed to explain why you got the gift you did; it shows you put special thought into it, based on who your recipient is and what her life situation is.

Moving beyond obligation

Of course, we all have situations where we are obligated to give someone a gift, such as when we’re named the “Secret Santa” for a co-worker in our office. But thoughtfulness is still key. Otherwise, Langer says, you waste an opportunity because a perfunctory gift that lacks any joyful thought behind it establishes no real connection between you two, and could even strain relations between you.

psychology of gifting with gift being exchanged.

So, if you don’t know the recipient well, find out from someone in the office who does know them well what their interests are.

“All ceremonies run the risk of being enacted mindlessly,” Langer explains. “When we give gifts because we feel an obligation, it takes away from the giving enormously. We cheat ourselves when we do this, and we build up resentments. Instead, we have to keep in mind that giving is an act of kindness; it’s a chance for me to do something nice for you.”

Gifting for a better society

Langer believes that gifting plays a key role in society through the phenomenon of “paying it forward.” When someone gets a thoughtful gift, she says, they’re more likely to give someone else a thoughtful gift, and so on. Eventually, many people “downstream” may find themselves happier because of one person’s care and kindness.

“Each year, I visit a city in Mexico called Puerto Vallarta, where everyone you pass is smiling, and they say good morning, good afternoon, and they ask you how you are. They all seem happy and connected, and it just makes you feel better about everything. You go to the store, and you’re kinder to the salesperson, and she’s kinder to the next person,” Langer says. “I think gifting has that effect on people. When you give people the gift of your best self, good feelings just spread.”

psychology of gifting with white flower bouquet.

For professor Williams, gifts are a fundamental building block in group development.

“I give you a gift, and we become friends. And you give someone else a gift, and you become friends. Then I become friends with that person through you, we exchange gifts, and so on and so on, and it creates a larger group we’re all connected to, and we all work together to do positive things,” he says.

“We know that socialization, having a group of friends, is better at treating anxiety and depression than any drug in the world. And gifting is one of the fastest routes to socialization that there is.”

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Gift History: How Giving Makes Us Human

In the grand scheme of human behavior, exchanging gifts may seem a pleasant triviality.

But ask a scientist and they’ll tell you: Without gifts, we wouldn’t be here.

Consider: Back in prehistoric times, there were several different hominids — or human-like animals, including the Neanderthals. None of those earlier species survived.

“They were all pretty smart,” says Mark Williams, Ph.D., professor of cognitive neuroscience at Macquarie University in Australia. “In fact, the Neanderthals had a slightly larger brain than Homo sapiens.”

What Neanderthals didn’t have, however, was a certain gift…for gifting. Despite Homo sapiens’ smaller brains, they were far more adaptable in ways that directly contributed to their survival. One important area involved forming bonds with other members of a group.

“Gift giving was a major part of that. It has changed through the millennia, but it’s really still the same thing today,” Williams says. “It’s about establishing connections between individuals so that we can cooperate with one another and work together productively, and gifts can facilitate all of that.”

In other words, it’s central to who we are, and how we’ve survived, and thrived. To put it another, gifting is a gift that’s benefited all of us, whether we’re giving or receiving.

gift history with tribe of Prehistoric Primitive Hunter-Gatherers in a Cave at Night

Early gift exchanges

Originally, it worked like this: You went out hunting, killed an antelope, and had extra meat. You gave some of that meat to other members of your tribe, and that created a bond between you. Then the next time they went hunting, they gave you the maximum return that they could.

“So that bond became stronger. You continued to collaborate in that way, and then maybe you went hunting together and did other things together,” Williams says.

Daily gift exchanges were also central to the connections between prehistoric men and women.

“When we were basically hunter-gatherers, men would have done most of the hunting, going after the antelopes, etc., and women would have done most of the gathering, digging up tubers and the like, with the two sexes then exchanging or sharing these gifts,” Williams says.

“Those probably would have been the first gift exchanges, because they were the first things they had to exchange. And those gifts would have helped cement those important relationships.”

With time, these exchanges grew more sophisticated — swapping tools to build shelters or using these same tools to create jewelry for one another. “Maybe a male, rather than giving a woman an ax, would make a small piece of jewelry for her as a sign that they were in a relationship or that he appreciated her.”

And this level of gift giving essentially led to the kinds of gift giving that go on between us today. “Millions of years later, maybe we don’t share antelopes, but we give each other gifts to show we appreciate someone for what they’ve done, and they give us gifts to show they appreciate what we’ve done. And that builds really strong relationships.”

Pagan times

Native Americans practiced a gift-giving feast called Potlatch for thousands of years for occasions ranging from births and deaths to weddings. Attention was always focused on the gift giver rather than the receiver.

We give each other gifts to show we appreciate someone for what they’ve done, and they give us gifts to show they appreciate what we’ve done. And that builds really strong relationships.

Mark Williams, Ph.D.

Professor

Macquarie University

“The ceremony intended to reaffirm the status of the gift giver, with the giving of expensive gifts being a sign of their wealth and power,” writes Kat Whittingham in a blog entry titled “The History of Gift Giving.” “This made gift giving very important for the social hierarchies in Native American civilizations.”

The most advanced civilizations adopted these practices as well. The Romans, Egyptians, and Greeks before them gave gifts to one another to formalize relationships.

“This very good habit of gift giving was an intricate part of their societies,” Williams says. “They gave each other very elaborate gifts.” It began with everyday citizens giving to everyday citizens within a society, but then it went across societies — from ambassador to ambassador, king to king, pharaoh to pharaoh.

The beginnings of Christmas gift giving

gift history with christmas gift celebration

In the Bible’s account of the gifts of the magi, with three pagan kings bringing gifts to the newborn Christ, we see the start of gift giving from the pagan eras being incorporated into the Common Era and Christmas gift giving.

This idea of gift giving kept evolving and shifted into social high gear with the advent of Santa Claus. The original model for Santa Claus was various versions of St. Nicholas, usually traced back to the Netherlands or Germany in the fifth or sixth century; one version, Williams says, had St. Nicholas leaving gifts for good children on their doorsteps and chunks of coal for bad children.

All these beliefs coalesced in the famous 1823 poem “The Night Before Christmas,” says Stephen Nissenbaum, professor of history emeritus at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and author of The Battle for Christmas.

Early on, this version of Santa started being commercialized, advertised by merchants as a lure to bring parents into shops to buy presents for their kids. Where earlier gift-giving rituals involved giving to the poor, “this ultimately replaced giving down across class lines with giving down across generational lines, producing the familiar modern domestic gift-giving Christmas ritual we have today,” Nissenbaum says.

Birthday gifts

It wasn’t until the 19^th century that birthday gifts to children, once the province of royalty and the very rich, fully caught on among ordinary citizens. “It reflected the fact that kids were becoming much less likely to die in childbirth, so you could afford an attachment to them that was riskier before the 19^th century,” notes Peter Stearns, Ph.D., a professor of history at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia.

gift history with woman happy to receive gift

The earliest birthday gifts were initially pretty modest, often a Bible or relatively simple items of clothing.

“The first known birthday in the United States was celebrated in 1772, for a 7-year-old girl in a wealthy family in Boston,” Stearns says. “By the 1830s and 1840s, it’s pretty clear that some kind of birthday celebration for kids was becoming increasingly known in middle-class families. It involved a small party, and cake became increasingly important, but fruit was served as well.”

It wasn’t until the 20^th century that birthday gifting became more popular. By then, many other occasions were being built around gift giving as well, from Mother’s Day and Father’s Day to weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and Valentine’s Day.

To give is human

In this way, we have found a way to break up the quotidian monotony into which life can sometimes devolve, and to allow ourselves special, memorable, heartfelt occasions throughout the year.

So if finding the right gift for Uncle Ned seems a chore, keep in mind: Without gifts, we likely would have gone the way of the Neanderthals.

And anyway, it’s not that hard. Ned loves pears.

Why ‘Mommy Brain’ Is Another Reason to Celebrate Moms

Our series “Motherhood Hacks” shares inspiring stories about expressing love, improving connections, and psychological changes related to motherhood. In this story, we explore the psychological changes of motherhood and the implications of mommy brain.

Until recently, Max Cutler never played songs to her belly. Now that she’s six months pregnant, she does so every night because she wants her son to sleep peacefully along with her. She is constantly aware that everything she does now, she’s doing for two. “I get really excited every time he moves, and I’m feeling him all day, so I’m taking better care of myself than ever because I’m supporting another life. I eat better meals, I make it to my medical appointments, and if I get upset, I immediately try to stop being upset because I think about how it would affect the baby.”

This is why mothers deserve to be celebrated every day with gifts, respect, and fanfare: from the moment they begin carrying a child, they are changed utterly, from whatever they were to life-giver and caregiver. There is no greater undertaking and no more intimate and lasting union between two people. Not surprisingly, as part of its grand plan, nature transforms mothers’ bodies, emotions, and neural circuitry to make them successful moms.

They need all the help they can get because motherhood is a monumental transition – “awesome in the truest sense of the word,” says Columbia University medical psychologist Catherine Monk. “It usually comes with a lot of anticipation, but we have to acknowledge other feelings as well.” There’s going to be a loss of some personal freedoms and a new weight of responsibility. “Our brain changes with all the big changes in our lives, and this is one of the biggest.”

The bond begins

The connections between mother and child and the development of the maternal brain begin almost immediately in pregnancy. In 2017, Elseline Hoekzema, a neuroscientist at Leiden University in the Netherlands, and colleagues published a study in Nature Neuroscience showing that pregnancy triggered massive biological adaptations in mothers, leading to significant changes in their brain structure. Most notably, pregnant mothers experienced reductions in the gray matter in various regions of the brain. While these reductions may sound scary, they appeared to be an adaptive process that removes distractions, allowing the mother to focus better on her baby.

Nature wants babies to survive, so we’re making fewer neurons and synapses where we don’t need them and more where we do.

Jodi Pawluski

Neuroscientist

University of Rennes

“We found that these changes most strongly affect social brain regions, and they predict measures of mother-infant bonding,” Elseline says. “We hypothesize that these relate to changes in a mother’s social cognition or empathy.”

Others have extended these finds. Neuroscientist Jodi Pawluski at the University of Rennes in France has found that pregnancy through the postpartum period right after birth is a time of unparalleled “plasticity” in the brain. That’s when all sorts of neural connections are being made and modified, connections that mainly enhance parenting. She likes to think of this as a “fine-tuning” of the brain to make it more efficient for what it needs to do, which is to learn maternal behavior and interact with the offspring. “Nature wants babies to survive, so we’re making fewer neurons and synapses where we don’t need them and more where we do.”

The scent of love

Another major way nature alters mothers’ brains is by essentially making babies addictive. Ever smell a baby’s head? There’s no more euphoric aroma. There’s a reason for that: Nature wants mothers completely hooked on their babies, so that the travails and exhaustion of giving birth and caring for children will feel well worth it. And smell isn’t the only sense involved. From the moment a baby is born, moms are constituted to want to touch, kiss, and hold their offspring and keep staring enraptured at her angelic face.

“It’s nature’s reward system,” says Jodi. “With birth, different areas of our brain work together to regulate maternal behavior, producing a surge of dopamine and other chemicals like serotonin, norepinephrine, and prolactin that interact.” Those hormones give us reward and pleasure, producing ecstatic feelings that motivate us to go through all this for our babies and help us cope with the stress. At the same time, the chemical oxytocin surges to promote bonding. “You’re meant to see your baby as the cutest ever, even if other people think it looks like an alien,” Jodi says.

The benefits of mommy brain

The seismic shifting of mental resources is a phenomenon we somewhat disparagingly call “mommy brain.” It refers to the memory loss new mothers may experience in everyday activities (forgetting that eggs are boiling so long that they explode, putting the car keys in the refrigerator) because they are so thoroughly fixated on their babies.

“The research shows minor deficits in working memory and verbal memory, and it can be cumbersome and interfering, but it’s nothing that would make you incapable of functioning,” says Jodi. She believes that mommy brain partly results from sheer exhaustion and mental overload, but it’s also part of nature’s pruning of the brain that enables mothers to focus more fully on their babies.

Mommy brain isn't bad -- it's one of the benefits of motherhood and another reason to celebrate moms. In this photo, a mom shows her baby a tree branch.

Jodi remembers her own mommy brain experience shortly after giving birth. “I’d been doing research in this field for some time, so I was aware this could happen, but I was walking along this beautiful stretch of river with my husband, talking about something or other, and suddenly I couldn’t find the word for what I wanted to say. This was just the first of many times that it happened, but oh my gosh, the word was totally gone. I couldn’t finish my sentence. I kept noticing verbal deficits like this. And now I’m seven years postpartum, and I still lose or mix up words from time to time.”

While this phenomenon unsettled her the first time, she came to understand where it comes from. “New mothers have to remember 100,000 things. If you give anyone a million tasks to do, and they’re sleep-deprived, and they have a child that’s unpredictably crying, it’s not realistic to remember everything on the list.” And based on the research, she adds, the information vital for the baby stays in their brains.

Jodi cites Katherine Allison’s book The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter. “I like her ideas,” she says. “We should stop focusing on these tiny little memory lapses and come to appreciate how much we have to keep in our heads as moms.” As just one example, she points to the improved visual memory that mothers have, especially memory for faces. “You need to remember that face to protect your child because it may or may not be dangerous,” she says. This is just one of many protective alert systems bolstered by changes to the maternal brain.

Hooked for life

Mommy brain is nature's way of helping moms adjust to motherhood. This photo shows a young girl kissing her mother's belly.

If you’re a new mom and start longing for the days when you could focus just on the fun you were going to have that night, forget it. Most of these changes in your psychology and brain, caused both by nature and by your relationship with your child, are relatively permanent, as is the life you’re now responsible for, and your vision will remain resolutely focused on the urgencies of today and just as powerfully on the prospects of the future. Max says that while she still worries about little everyday things, she’s more focused than ever on the important things to come. “We talk about having a house, and I’m thinking about schools and playgrounds,” she says. “I think about the money we’ll need, where we’ll move, the life we want to have. My sister-in-law just had a baby, and I think about how they’re going to be cousins, and how nice it will be for them growing up together.”

Rest assured, the bonds between you and your child aren’t likely to evaporate. “Humans have one of the longest periods in the animal world when our young remain dependent on us, so these are intense, intense bonds, some of the deepest we ever have, says Catherine. “As children get older, there is necessarily some independence and separation, so the bond takes different forms at different times. But typically, it really just keeps deepening throughout our lives.”

A graphic reminding visitors that moms deserve a special celebration on Mother's Day.

Use Your Stress to Boost Your Parenting Skills with Dr. Chloe Carmichael

Our series “Motherhood Hacks” shares inspiring stories about expressing love, improving connections, and psychological changes related to motherhood.

Though we all want to make things better for our kids, anxiety, perfectionism, or self-doubt can get in the way. Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a member of 1-800-Flowers.com’s Connectivity Council, can help. The Florida-based clinical psychologist and author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of your Anxiety specializes in helping driven, stressed-out, high-energy people get a handle on their nerves to marshal their power rather than be slowed by them.

“I work well with high-functioning, nervous energy types, because I’ve got the same issues, and I’ve used the same techniques on myself,” Dr. Chloe explains.

From yoga to yoda

Dr. Chloe’s restless energy once drove her to become a meditator and yoga practitioner. Her type-A-ish clients kept asking her to do for them what she’d done for herself. “They had goals like ‘I want to manage my stress and face my fears,’” she says. “I taught them both the physical poses and meditations because of the body-mind connection, but I felt they were attributing a deeper psychological expertise to me than I had.”

So, she went back to school, finished her undergraduate degree, and kept on going until she’d gotten a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. Today, Dr. Chloe directs a therapy practice of 30 psychologists, has authored two books, has a regular podcast (“The High Functioning Hotspot”) and is a veritable Yoda for a raft of television shows that tap her expertise.

The mother of a four-year-old boy, Dr. Chloe has learned to apply her psychological principles to the stresses of parenting. Here are some of her core parenting techniques:

Start with mindfulness

Using a technique like meditation or progressive relaxation, focus awareness on your bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings, calmly acknowledging and accepting them while emptying your mind of other distractions. “Learning to calm down and let go is vital in harnessing the power of your anxiety,” Dr. Chloe says. “Before you can focus your problem-solving abilities on stressors, you first must learn to observe yourself.”

Don’t sacrifice your own needs

“High-functioning people can be so giving to their children, which is wonderful, but often they put their own needs in the backseat, at the expense of teaching their child empathy,” Dr. Chloe explains. By coming to understand a parent’s needs, children learn consideration for others.

Don’t feel guilty about working

Many parents may feel guilty currently working at home, being there but not always available. Dr. Chloe teaches them what psychologists call ‘narrating your experience.’ “You can say something like, ‘I wish I could play Monopoly with you now, but I’m working to support our family — it’s one way I take care of you.’”

Be open about your struggles

Parents think they shouldn’t worry their children about their problems, but when you’re under stress, having to hide it from them just adds to everyone’s stress, Dr. Chloe points out.

“When life throws you curveballs — say one parent is out of work and the family is facing economic hardships — explaining that to your kids helps teach them empathy.” It’s modeling; it shows them that telling the truth is a healthy value to embrace. “It also brings them closer to you, while hiding the truth and acting tense about it pushes them away.”

Share positive learning activities with your children that you can both enjoy

What cuts through stress better than having fun together? That’s why Dr. Chloe cooks with her son. “Cooking is great! It results in nourishment, and kids love treats, so [my son] enjoys that. It also teaches him to follow directions and be responsible about cleaning up. Most important, it gives us opportunities to talk.”

But it doesn’t have to be cooking. “Another parent might like fishing or fixing things in the garage.” The point is doing something together. “By sharing a common goal, people get closer.”

Remember, you’re in charge

It’s important for parents to trust their own instincts and act upon them, Dr. Chloe says. In her case, the pandemic mask mandates in New York City stirred her to take action for her son.

“There are things called mirror neurons in our brain, and they are the underpinnings of empathy. They only fire up when we see a face. When you make a sad face, my mirror neurons make a sad face automatically in my head before I’ve even realized it.”

The more experience we gain, the better we can “fill in the gaps” and feel empathy even without seeing a face, she says, by judging language and vocal intonation. But young children don’t have enough verbal experience for that and need to see faces. So, when she learned her son would have to wear a mask in preschool, it created a crisis for her. She ended up moving her family to Florida where the mask mandates were less stringent. “Let your anxiety stir you to action,” Dr. Chloe says.

Not everything you try as a parent will pan out

“You have to be willing to correct what’s not working,” she says. For example, when her son wasn’t heeding her, she used to say, ‘I’m going to count to five, and if you don’t do it by then, there will be consequences.’

“I never even had to get to five,” she recalls. “So, I thought I had a great system.” But when he went off to preschool, the teachers informed her he wasn’t following instructions. “I told them about my count to five routine, and they pointed out they couldn’t count to five for every child, so he needed to learn to do what they asked the first time. So, I’ve been working on that with him.”

“As your child changes, as his environment and situation change, you have to adapt as necessary,” she says. In many ways, that’s really what parenting is all about.

You can hear more from Dr. Chloe in an episode of Breakfast at Wolferman’s Bakery, where she joined Wolferman’s Merchandising Manager Lucy Sommer and founder of The Lemon Bowl Liz Della Croce to share more tips on managing stress as a parent and discuss ways viewers can support the moms they know.

Time to Share the Love! Why Valentine’s Day Is for All

The series “Valentine’s Day for All” showcases ideas for celebrating the holiday with those who are important to you, not just romantic partners. In this article, learn why Valentine’s Day for all is a great opportunity to broaden the scope of the holiday so no one feels excluded on Feb. 14.

We all know the drill: On Feb. 14, couples exchange cards and Valentine’s Day flowers or candy and maybe a gift, and those not in a romantic relationship applaud on the sidelines. Then, maybe the couple goes out to eat, and the rest of us treat the day like any other. Say it’s a married couple with children — when mom and dad head out, the babysitter comes in, and the kids attend to their homework, watch TV, play video games or go to bed. It’s no holiday for them at all.

We have a better idea: “All-in-tine’s Day.” Put the emphasis on the “All,” meaning everyone gets to celebrate! Jacqueline deMontravel, Petal Talk’s senior editor has been joyfully celebrating this twist on the holiday for years. “I started doing this when I had my son, because when you have children, that’s your focus, and all your love goes into it,” she says. “Now, we have a blended family, with four kids total ranging from 11 to 22, and we all have so much fun with it. No one is left out.”

Adds deMontravel, “There are all kinds of love in the world to celebrate. People have been missing out on a golden opportunity.”

The real roots of Valentine’s Day

The truth is, Valentine’s Day was originally closer to the spirit of a Valentine’s Day for everyone.

While the holiday appears to have begun with one or more Christian martyrs named St. Valentine who lived around 270 AD, it didn’t emerge as a romantic holiday until about the 14th century; some attribute it to Geoffrey Chaucer’s poem The Parlement of Foules, which connected the day with romance.

People first started exchanging cards around this time. However, the cards were not limited to couples. Some historians say that Valentine’s Day cards emerged from the German tradition of friendship cards (Freundschaftskarten) that friends exchanged on New Year’s Day, birthdays, and other anniversaries.

Lucky I Found You Valentine card — Personalized Greeting Card

valentine card box — Decorate Your Own Valentine Card Box

“If you read St. Valentine, he seemed to appreciate a broader sense of sharing love,” says Richard Beltramini, Ph.D., co-editor of Gift Giving: A Research Anthology.

In the 18th century, Europeans and Americans began exchanging friendship cards on Valentine’s Day, and the practice increased in the mid-19th century, as printing technology improved and expanded the market. Consumers in Europe and the U.S. could choose from a wide selection of valentines for a variety of people, not just lovers.

“We should inject a modicum of sincerity into it, as was his intent,” adds Beltramini, professor emeritus of marketing and global supply chain management at Wayne State University in Detroit.

Back to Valentine’s Day origins

In some ways, modern Valentine’s Day has already started moving in the direction of those historic roots.

“I feel Valentine’s Day is becoming more and more all-inclusive, so having a holiday called All-in-tine’s Day makes perfect sense,” says Julie Kenney, founder and president of The Gifting Experts, a company that creates gift bags for celebrity and charity events. “For example, classmates often celebrate Valentine’s Day by handing out cards and valentines to one another in the classroom.”

She also points to how “Galentine’s Day,” which is when gal friends get together on Feb. 13, has become increasingly popular. “It is a great idea psychologically to make the holiday more all-inclusive so that other members of your family and your friends don’t feel left out and can celebrate with you.”

Valentine’s Day for everyone is universal

There are no feelings of insecurity or loneliness with Valentine’s Day for all. You can feel part of something and not dwell on your relationship status.

“I give a great big huge yes to this,” says writer/artist Deanna Washington, author of The Language of Gifts. “When all the gender-based and other boundaries to love are being taken down, the idea of Valentine’s Day for everyone is perfect.

“When I was a girl, we practiced the essence of this in the younger grades, with everyone buying valentines for all; it was a day of friendship,” she says. “Everyone got to feel good.”

As the years progressed and she got older, she recalls, the holiday segregated to just boyfriends/girlfriends and husband/wives.

“It made Valentine’s Day one more day when single people could feel isolated and lonely, just two months after Christmas, a period that was already a tough time for many. I think it is high time for us all to become like children on this special day, so everyone gets to feel the high vibe,” Washington says. “It gives us all a way to acknowledge one another, saying ‘Hey, I’m glad you are part of my life. I appreciate you.'”

A reason to reconnect with each other

And Valentine’s Day for all is not just about how we feel, but how we can connect with others. It celebrates love in all its forms.

“A secular holiday where we can all show our love and appreciation of others in our lives is a wonderful, important idea,” adds Mark Williams, Ph.D., professor of cognitive neuroscience at Macquarie University in Sydney, Australia. “The distraction and separation caused by COVID and our overuse of smartphones and other devices mean we are less connected to each other than we used to be.”

Breaking up the year with specific times to stop, reflect, and appreciate one another, showing we care and celebrate with one another, could create greater connections and inclusivity across society, he believes. “It’s so badly needed,” he says. “It could have great psychological benefits for all of us, and the important chemicals released in our brain when we receive love and appreciation from others could have numerous health benefits as well.”