In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.
There’s no doubt that 2020 and much of 2021 have been some of the toughest and scariest times that many of us have endured. In the United States alone, one out of every 600 people has died from COVID-19. And while it feels like life is starting to open up again, we cannot erase the trauma we lived through.
The good news: We are naturally designed to withstand adversity, to grow from it and survive. More than 50 percent of people will experience a traumatic event in their lifetime — and when we fold in the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s safe to say we’ve all dealt with a certain level of trauma now, be it grieving someone who died, caring for a sick person or ourselves, being care-giving children, working overtime, or losing work.
The majority of people who live through trauma manage to deal with that trauma on their own, and that really speaks to the resilience of humans. But it can be helpful to understand how traumatic stress impacts the mind and body, and how you can mitigate its common reactions with some helpful coping mechanisms.
In a recent “Light After Loss” Instagram Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and trauma psychologist Pria Alpern, Ph.D., talked about this topic. Here are some key takeaways:
What happens to our bodies when we perceive a threat?
The fight-or-flight response gets activated in our mind and nervous system, leading to physiological arousal — the way many people were feeling a year ago: heightened levels of anxiety, shock, and intense fear.
How does it feel when we deal with a traumatic reality for a long period of time?
Research on trauma shows that within the first six months of a traumatic event it’s normal to feel really activated, but as time goes on, we can feel more constricted, depressed, on edge, or numb. This is a survival response; you can’t stay in such a heightened state of arousal for too long before you feel overrun by it and there’s no choice but to shut down.
The numbness many of us feel when staring at COVID-19 numbers is not because we don’t have empathy, it’s because such a painful number is difficult to absorb, and this is how we cope.
What are some of the common reactions to the particular stressors we’ve experienced during the pandemic?
When we are in a stressful situation where there are a lot of themes of loss and trauma, it’s normal for past grief to get kicked up. If people have a history of loss or illness in their family, or even a history of being sequestered and isolated — which is reminiscent of quarantine — that can trigger past feelings that feel very much alive in the present moment. This is a very common reaction. Heightened levels of anxiety, numbness, and exhaustion are also normal.
How can we manage feeling ungrounded during traumatic times?
To help yourself get through and tolerate this type of emotional distress, it’s important to learn how to bring yourself back to the present moment. This is called “grounding.” Acknowledge to yourself that you don’t know what will happen in the future, but you are here right now. Press your feet into the floor, feel its support, and notice the foundation beneath you. Repeat to yourself, “I’m here right now. I’m in my body. I can feel my breath.”
We can get so caught up trying to manage our anxiety and stress that our attention becomes dysregulated. For example, if someone you know is sick, you might get stuck worrying about how she will be in the future. Or, if you’re experiencing a resurgence of grief reactions triggered by a particular event, you might be stuck in turning the past over again and again. The effect is the same in both scenarios: You are no longer in the here and now.
How do we practice “self-care” during trauma?
Self-care is a trending buzzword, but it doesn’t necessarily mean practicing yoga and drinking green juice. It can mean going to the grocery store without your kids or eating a cheeseburger instead of a carrot.
Self-care is really about having self-respect and self-reverence. Ask yourself, “What makes me feel good inside?” and “What can I do for myself that doesn’t depend on how other people perceive me?”
Remember, self-care isn’t performative: It really needs to feel good to YOU. If what works for someone else doesn’t work well for you, don’t do it.
This article was written by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.
In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss.
Let’s be honest: The internet can be a bit scary. But when it comes to building meaningful community during dark and trying times, the truth is, we can harness the digital tools at our fingertips to find some really great friends that can help us through – even if we never meet them in person.
In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and Wisdo’s Director of Communities Annmarie Otis discussed the importance and power of online support communities when coping with grief, loss, and many of life’s other challenges.
Here are some key takeaways from their conversation:
Gain access to different viewpoints
A wonderful benefit of being part of a diverse group from around the world, full of various ages, credos, and orientations, who are going through similarly themed adverse situations. Members will share various specific examples of resilience, post-traumatic growth, rituals, coping mechanisms, and other creative solutions that they have developed or learned from both their experiences and cultures that you might not have ordinarily considered.
Share without shame
In an ideal world, we would feel comfortable enough to share our unfiltered frustrations, confessions and problems with the people in our lives. But that’s not always how it works. We may get nervous about sharing something, either IRL or on your personal social media platforms, that we fear might offend or shock someone, or make them uncomfortable. Or we may just not want to deal with any criticism that might come toward you from whatever you really want to get off your chest. Online forums allow for a level of anonymity: You can change your name if you like, completely let your guard down, and finally say the things that you’ve been desperately want to share and ask about in an unfiltered way.
Be a part of a meaningful conversation
Shy? Nervous? Want to just test the waters before posting a question or comment? One of the best parts of online peer-to-peer support is the ability to still feel like you’re a part of the community even if all you do is read. It just takes one person to share a story that’s either similar to yours or offer advice that resonates, and that’s a powerful thing.
Feel witnessed
When it comes down to it, the thing we need the most in tough times is to feel seen, have our pain acknowledged, know that there are people out there who are willing to bear witness to and legitimize what we are going through, without anyone “at least”-ing you or offering any of a variety of platitudes that don’t really help. You can be assured that what you are doing is hard, that your pain matters, and, most important, that with the right support, most likely you will find ways to move through it and live richly.
If you’re interested in trying out an online community, 1-800-Flowers.com customers receive access to eight online Connection Communities, powered by Wisdo. This is a peer-to-peer support network enabling uplifting connections with others around shared life experiences.
The communities consist of individuals seeking ways to improve their life, offering advice, and engaging with others as they navigate through life. Users can sign up on the platform to receive advice from others who have experienced what they are going through and/or to provide comfort and advice to those going through a difficult life experience. There are a variety of Connection Communities, including Coping with Loss, LGBTQ+. Caregiving, Expressing Gratitude, Loneliness, Motherhood, Relationship Advice, and Increasing Happiness.
This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversations about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.
The series “Reshaping Sympathy” explores how the rituals around death and offering sympathy have changed during the COVID-19 pandemic. In this article, 1-800-Flowers.com Founder and Chairman Jim McCann reflects on sympathy trends that he expects will persist after the pandemic.
As an entrepreneur, I tend to think about the future. A lot. In recent conversations I had with funeral industry and mental health experts, we not only reflected on the struggles of the past year and the impact of COVID-19 but also discussed what we can expect going forward.
One common theme became clear through all my conversations: COVID-19 accelerated trends that were building before the pandemic.
Jim McCann
Founder and Chairman
1-800-Flowers.com Inc.
One common theme became clear through all my conversations: COVID-19 accelerated trends that were building before the pandemic.
For example, planning a funeral is no longer assumed to be an in-person event. People enjoy the convenience and flexibility of choosing whether to make arrangements online or at a funeral home, said Jamie Pierce, Chief Marketing Officer at Service Corporation International. The pandemic helped prove the point that everything from planning services to signing contracts can be done just as effectively online as in person.
Dr. Camelia Clarke, President of Paradise Memorial Funeral & Cremation Services in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, agreed. She told me that the industry has in the past year quickly learned to communicate with clients the way they want to be communicated with, be it via text, phone, Zoom or in person.
Another trend is that families are taking more time to plan, said Noha Waibsnaider, co-founder of GatheringUs, which conducts virtual memorial services. Pre-pandemic, clients typically requested a service within a week of reaching out. But now, most of her clients are taking three to four weeks to plan. The additional time to coordinate remembrances has allowed families to personalize moments, like having everyone bring ice cream if the person they are honoring loved ice cream or organizing a classic car salute for a loved one who adored old cars.
Even though in-person services have been making a comeback, Noha doesn’t expect them to be relegated to the history books as social-distancing restrictions ease. She says virtual events will become increasingly popular options – especially as families hold multiple events to remember their loved ones. Even before the pandemic, nontraditional activities like memorial lunches and other informal gatherings were gaining in popularity alongside traditional wakes and church or graveside services. Noha expects virtual events, particularly when held in conjunction with in-person events, to become a more popular option regardless of the type of memorial.
Outdoor memorial services are another trend that emerged pre-pandemic and accelerated over the past year, says Jamie of Service Corporation International. Certainly, geography and time of year are factors in the decision to hold a service outside. In 2020, these ceremonies grew in popularity for obvious reasons. Jamie expects their popularity to continue to grow even after pandemic restrictions ease.
As for funeral costs, Dr. Clarke of Paradise Memorial Funeral Homes predicts families will spend more overall in the coming years even though some costs will decline. As cremation rates continue to rise, for example, she expects families to spend less on traditional caskets and vaults. Families will instead look to spend more on cremation accessories such as personalized urns, technology services such as high-tech presentations, and catering with food and beverages.
With all of the change and disruption of 2020, Dr. Clarke has one final prediction: The funeral industry will see a wave of retirements of first- and second-generation funeral home owners. Consumers have embraced technology in ways they hadn’t ever previously this past year and have now come to expect a certain standard of technology across all aspects of their lives, including the funeral planning and event process. For some funeral home owners, the effort to upgrade their business to meet the new technology needs may be too much. Time will tell if this prediction holds true.
I think about the important work that the funeral directors have tirelessly carried out over the past year under astonishingly challenging circumstances to uphold the funeral ritual for families. While we look to the future, we must also look back to appreciate the journey. I thank all members of the funeral industry for their tireless efforts and perseverance and look forward to what the future will bring.
The series “Reshaping Sympathy” explores how the rituals around death and offering sympathy have changed during the COVID-19 pandemic. In this article, 1-800-Flowers.com Founder and Chairman Jim McCann takes a look at how conversations about our mortality have changed.
Conversations about death were unavoidable for most of history. Relatively short lifespans meant people experienced the loss of a loved one or a friend at a much earlier age, and they had to confront it and talk about it. The rituals of death were woven into the tapestry of everyday life.
At some point in the last 70 years, however, we stopped talking about death. Advances in medicine meant that most people live into their 40s or 50s before experiencing a close personal loss. Modern life has sanitized the concept of death and dying as well as grief and expressing loss.
Throughout human history, death was part of everyday life; now it’s seen as something that happens relatively uncommonly and also in the far, indefinite future.
Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Founder and Director
Center for Loss and Life Transition
Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., of the Center for Loss and Life Transition summed up the change: “Throughout human history, death was part of everyday life; now it’s seen as something that happens relatively uncommonly and also in the far, indefinite future. Until the current pandemic, a large majority of American’s had high levels of ‘assumed invulnerability’ surrounding death,” he says.
As David Kessler, a noted grief expert and founder of Grief.com, told me: “When I was a kid, when that hearse would go down the street, the man working on the electrical line would climb down and take his hat off and stand at attention. If we were mowing the lawn, we would turn the mower off and go to the street and stand there. We don’t know how to do that anymore.”
The impact of the pandemic
The pandemic that’s so far claimed more than a half-million lives has exposed our collective reluctance to talk about death. At the same time, it’s forced us to confront mortality in ways unseen in generations. We’re beginning to talk about death again and plan for it as well as learn new ways to mourn and express grief.
One thing positive that has come out is that people are talking about pre-planning probably more than they ever have.
Jamie Pierce
Chief Marketing Officer
Service Corporation International
Dr. Camelia Clarke, the Paradise Memorial Funeral & Cremation Services owner in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, told me she’s witnessed the changing attitude first-hand. “People are acting much faster in the funeral pre-planning cycle than they historically have in my 25 years,” she says. “Normally, it was taking us three to four appointments with the family with getting them the information and (then they were) thinking about it. Now, I’ve seen that that’s reduced to half.”
Jamie Pierce, Chief Marketing Officer of Service Corporation International, has also seen a change in attitude toward death since the pandemic. “One thing positive that has come out is that people are talking about pre-planning probably more than they ever have,” she says. “Whether that’s getting their will together, or talking about their pre-arrangements, or what they want for their end of life service, we’ve seen a significant increase in people wanting to have that conversation.”
Helping difficult conversations
Are Americans finally ready to start talking about their own mortality? Though there are signs that the conversations are beginning to happen with increasing frequency, I believe we must do more to help people feel more comfortable talking about these difficult topics.
The internet is a good starting point. In fact, several organizations now assist people as they navigate conversations around the grieving process. I’ve had an opportunity to work directly with several, including:
Connection Communities, a free online resource we developed at 1-800-Flowers.com to help people connect to others with similar life experiences, including coping with loss.
The Floral Heart Project, which we co-created to provide beautiful, visual memorials across the country and to bring visibility to those suffering COVID-related losses.
The End Well Project, which is focused on helping people connect, understand the rituals around loss, and better understand how to reach out to people in times of illness, loss, and grief. You can even join Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider, founder of End Well Project on Clubhouse to participate in conversations about grief and loss.
End Well is paying special attention to men, who seem to have trouble expressing their grief in times of loss, Shoshana told me in a recent conversation. She notes that men are less likely to engage with their families and friends to discuss difficult topics. “I know my father-in-law doesn’t know how to ask for help from his friends,” she says. “And he’s now reaching back out to them and feeling a little bit bad about how he wasn’t present for them (when their wives developed Alzheimer’s disease).”
I know it’s not just her father-in-law; it’s everyone. We can do better.
Families grieving the loss of a loved one from COVID-19 may also be experiencing a different kind of grief. “Many people grieving a COVID death are suffering from complicated grief,” Dr. Wolfelt says. “Their normal, necessary grief has often been made more complex by separation from the person who died as well as supportive friends and family. And if there was no funeral or satisfying ritual, they’re likely to feel even more adrift.
“These families need extra compassion and support, so I would encourage reaching out often — not just on the anniversary of the death but definitely including that day — and remembering that they may feel isolated and unsupported,” Dr. Wolfelt says. “If you can be a source of support in that vacuum, that is a wonderful gift indeed.”
Dr. Wolfelt believes the time has come for more conversations about our own mortality. “This new eclectic yet mutual understanding will help restore the importance of death rituals as well as everyday conversations about life, death, and grief,” he says.
The series “Reshaping Sympathy” explores how the rituals around death and offering sympathy have changed during the COVID-19 pandemic. In this article, 1-800-Flowers.com Founder and Chairman Jim McCann speaks with experts on how the pandemic has impacted the funeral industry and funeral planning.This piece originally appeared in Worth magazine.
Recently, I ran into yet another friend who has received his second COVID-19 vaccination. Immediately, I smiled and felt such a huge sense of relief that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe this is a feeling shared by most. Exiting the height of the pandemic and leaving behind some of the fear, worry and isolation is a joyous moment.
No, the pandemic is not completely in the rear-view mirror, but many of us feel like the worst is over. At this time, I find myself looking back at what I’ve learned over the past few months in speaking with a number of experts in the funeral and mental health industries. I’m horrified and saddened by the losses of the past year. COVID-19 has changed the world we live in, and the funeral industry is no exception. I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to meet with leading experts to discuss the changes that will have a long-term impact on the industry.
A change in public perception
First and foremost, one significant outcome of COVID-19 is an increase in the public’s understanding and appreciation of the funeral industry. Those in the business showed the efforts that they will go to in memorializing a life from organizing drive-through services, setting up outdoor funerals, quickly adapting to new technology, to traveling across the country to help in hot spots such as New York at the onset of the pandemic to California earlier this year.
COVID-19 has changed the world we live in, and the funeral industry is no exception.
Jim McCann
Founder and Chairman
1-800-Flowers.com, Inc.
Families relied on the expertise of funeral directors more than ever to guide them as they explored new memorial options during the pandemic, said Anthony Kaniuk, Director of Industry Relations at the National Funeral Directors Association. Many families have come away with a renewed appreciation and understanding of the vital role that funeral directors play in helping plan a meaningful service.
The heroic, incredibly compassionate, individuals of the funeral industry were “last responders,” said Jamie Pierce, Chief Marketing Officer at Service Corporation International, North America’s largest provider of funeral and cemetery services. Their efforts and dedication are truly tremendous.
The role of new technology
Adapting quickly to embrace new technology certainly is another outcome of COVID-19 for all of us in one way or another, including the funeral industry. Before the pandemic, many, if not most, funeral directors were slow to implement change, said Dr. Camelia Clarke, President of Paradise Memorial Funeral & Cremation Services in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Most of the technological improvements gained in the past year including communicating with clients via Zoom, signing contracts via DocuSign, and virtual services are here to stay improving the funeral planning and service experience. “It took us a generation to adopt something new, but now, we are adopting new technologies basically overnight,” she told me during our conversation.
The persistence of virtual ceremonies
Virtual services are absolutely a trend that will be here to stay. Noha Waibsnaider, Co-founder of GatheringUs has conducted over 400 virtual funeral events in the past year. In our conversation, she shared that attendees at virtual services may go into the event thinking that it will be a lesser tribute than a traditional in-person one. They soon realize that virtual services can actually be a more personalized experience.
For one, at a virtual event, you can see everyone’s face up close, not the back of their heads. Also, virtual platforms have chat features allowing more interactivity for loved ones to comment and share stories while simultaneously watching a loved one share a song tribute, for example. At a traditional in-person service, no one would typically be shouting words of encouragement, but online adds a dynamic that brings togetherness.
Jaime Pierce also echoed Noha’s sentiment on virtual ceremonies, saying that they have provided the opportunity for loved ones with family overseas or with health concerns to participate. Including a streaming component to services moving forward will help families ensure that all their important loved ones can join.
One last note I want to share is from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Founder and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. He states that post-pandemic, people are valuing their quality time spent with friends and family. And we have the potential to transform our culture into one that appreciates open communication and gratitude a bit more as a result. We’ve come to realize that the more we rely on and support one another, the better off we’ll be. I couldn’t agree more.
The series “Reshaping Sympathy” explores how the rituals around death and offering sympathy have changed during the COVID-19 pandemic. In this article, 1-800-Flowers.com Founder and Chairman Jim McCann discusses the importance of funerals to the grieving process.
Grief is a complicated topic in the best of times when we have our friends and family able to readily support our losses. Yet, grief and grieving have become even more complicated due to the challenges of COVID-19.
There are no rules in grief. There is no one model.
David Kessler
Founder
Grief.com
“There are no rules in grief. There is no one model,” said foremost grief expert and Grief.com founder David Kessler in a recent conversation. Yet navigating death and loss in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic has challenged us even further. I spoke to experts who work within the sympathy space to understand better what is happening with our emotional well-being as we navigate this complicated moment in our history.
“When families aren’t able to say goodbye to their loved one in the way they might like, their grief journey gets off to a bumpy start – and this can lead to what’s called “complicated grief,” shared Anthony Kaniuk, Director of Industry Relations for the National Funeral Directors Association in a recent discussion. “For some, complicated grief may simply mean that their grief journey becomes more protracted, and it takes longer to find a place of healing. For others, the consequences may be more serious, leading to depression, substance abuse or other more serious issues.”
Navigating grief
This grief may also extend for longer than we imagine. I was saddened to learn about research on other mass trauma moments like Hurricane Katrina or Sandy, which showed that an average of 15% of the population experience moderate to severe PTSD following those incidents. “You can’t push pause on grief. Anything that delays a funeral delays the natural mourning process,” said Anthony Kaniuk. The longer we delay our grieving, the more it will present an ongoing challenge to our community.
If we don’t mourn well, we often don’t live well or love well.
Dr. Alan Wolfelt
Founder and Director
Center for Loss and Life Transition
To abate these social and psychological concerns, Kessler shared that we need to find ways to mark the death in real-time and gather when we are able. “The funeral is a bookend to our life. We gather to say goodbye,” he shares.
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Founder and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, states: “As we have witnessed a general trend toward the “de-ritualization” of North American culture, I don’t believe it is by chance alone that we are witnessing a number of people struggling with the complications of their grief. As more families choose not to participate in meaningful funerals, they tend to carry their grief in ways that impact the quality of their lives. Funerals are not “rites of closure”; they are “rites of initiation.” When families don’t have meaningful funerals, they are not publicly initiated into active mourning — ‘the shared response to loss’ and often not publicly supported. If we don’t mourn well, we often don’t live well or love well.”
Finding new ways to grieve
However: “The freeing thing about this moment is it’s allowing people to find new ways to grieve,” shares Noha Waibsnaider, co-founder and CEO of GatheringUs . GatheringUs helps families to plan digitally inclusive funeral services. “They are finding ways to do things that are so much more personal for them. We’ve had ice cream socials or played fireworks at the end of a funeral….We can do more unique and interesting things than what we might have done in the past.”
In the future, experts believe we will continue to see hybrid services and events that combine unique digital and physical experiences. And, this is a good thing for our emotional wellbeing. The more we can connect with others and spend quality time together while grieving, the more we strengthen the bonds of our community.
Our series “Reimagining Grief” encourages you to rethink your understanding of grief. Through personal stories and uplifting videos, we’ll help guide you to a peaceful, pleasant mindset. In this article, we explore the history and impact of the Floral Heart Project.
Kristina Libby wanted to do something. It was April 2020 and New York City was in the throes of the COVID-19 pandemic. People were sick and scared, and thousands were dying. Because of social-distance measures, they were also alone and isolated.
Unlike other national tragedies like 9/11, there were very few displays of mourning — no wall of pictures, large gatherings at churches or candlelight vigils. “In traditional incidents of mass trauma, we see photos and people leaving flowers at the scene, flags are at half mast,” says Kristina, an artist. “These things help us understand and process what happened. I didn’t see anything like that, and it made me even sadder.”
Loved ones couldn’t hold traditional funerals to say goodbye, which made the losses all the more difficult. “The fact that the community wasn’t doing anything shook me,” Kristina says. “I’ve studied mass conflict and trauma, and I understood that it’s important to grieve. If you delay that, it can lead to collective PTSD.”
In traditional incidents of mass trauma, we see photos and people leaving flowers at the scene, flags are at half mast. These things help us understand and process what happened. I didn’t see anything like that, and it made me even sadder.
Kristina Libby
Artist
Kristina decided to do one small thing. She went to her local grocery store (as an essential business, it was one of the few up and running) and bought out the store’s entire floral section and decided to make an art installation using a traditional floral garland technique that she learned on YouTube. She fashioned the flowers into a massive heart, put on her hat and mask, and headed to New York City’s Brooklyn Bridge Park, where she set the wreath on the ground. “It was just so simple, but I wanted to share this love that I felt,” Kristina says.
As she was leaving, she saw a man kneel down in front of it. “I was like, ‘this matters to someone,’” she says. “That’s what I wanted.”
Bringing communities together with art
When she shared the moment with friends and family, they had similar reactions. That’s how the movement that eventually became the Floral Heart Project began. Every four or five days, Kristina would buy all the roses from a grocery store and make a wreath. Friends and acquaintances would let her know they saw one and ask if it was hers, and then she started receiving emails from strangers who’d seen the flowers.
A wreath in New York City’s Bryant Park.
“So many people would say, ‘I didn’t know I was grieving until I saw this.’” With so much of the country divided, the virus itself became a political issue, but Libby wanted to make sure the hearts were apolitical and for the communities as a whole. “I felt called,” she says. “I felt compelled that this was the thing I had to do.”
But she also knew that she couldn’t keep spending $500 a week on flowers. She needed a partner. In June 2020, she heard 1-800-Flowers President Amit Shah speak at a virtual event, and she figured it was worth a shot to ask about collaborating on the project.
“She reached out to Amit to let him know what she was doing and why,” says Melissa Owen, director of growth marketing at 1-800-Flowers. “We really connected with her. We understand the importance of acknowledging and processing grief — and that process overnight became more complicated at the onset of COVID-19 and social distancing.”
“Flowers have long stood as a traditional expression of sympathy and hearts as a traditional symbol of love and compassion,” Melissa says. “Kristina was using floral heart wreaths as her personal form of expression and connection with the public to a provide a safe space for the public in turn to do the same. We saw it as a natural fit to partner with her.”
1-800-Flowers provided her not only with the raw materials but also with the ability to reach a larger audience. “That’s when I started to realize it’s not just my thing anymore” says Kristina.
Connecting through shared grief
New York City-based communications executive Fiana Tulip saw a brief mention of the Floral Heart Project in a news story and realized just how much it encapsulated what she’d been feeling. Fiana had lost her mother, a beloved respiratory therapist in Texas, to COVID in July 2020. “Kristina reminded us that our grief matters and that we were loved and that we were heard and surrounded with compassion and love,” she says.
Fiana was already involved with Marked By Covid, a nonprofit focused on uplifting the stories of those who’ve lost loved ones to the virus. The group was planning a national week of mourning in October, and Fiana hoped to participate locally.
“I wanted to collaborate with someone to honor the lost in the city so that it wasn’t just me standing at a park entrance holding a candle,” she says. “I thought what Kistina was doing was absolutely beautiful. So, I reached out on Instagram. She was so receptive to hosting something with me and helped me plan the event.”
Together, with 1-800-Flowers.com, they put together a vigil in Greeley Square Park. Soon after, they put together vigils in Times Square, Queens, and Washington Heights. Several prominent social media influencers shared photos from some of the events and things took off from there. “I’ll never forget it,” says Fiana. “I’m so grateful to have partnered with Kristina and brought in others who have lost a loved one to share their stories.”
The project becomes a national movement
Not long after joining forces with Marked By COVID and other nonprofit groups, the Floral Heart Project took part in a massive national day of mourning on March 1, 2021. In 100 communities from Maine to California, volunteers laid the heart wreaths as part of vigils, services, and other events where people could recognize those they’d lost to the virus.
Fiana was heavily involved in the planning but found a private moment to honor her mother. “I put my floral-heart-making skills to practice — Kristina taught me how to create the little bouquets that make the heart at our first vigil,” she says. “By sunset, my family and I were releasing our heart into the water. It was an absolutely beautiful moment.”
The Floral Heart Project’s future
She was hardly alone; people from around the country reached out to Kristina to share how meaningful the hearts had been. “One volunteer who lost an aunt said how using her hands to make the wreath had helped her grieve,” says Kristina. “Another woman, who had lost her mother when she was young, told me that making the heart gave her a closure she’d never gotten before.”
It’s sentiments like these that keep Kristina expanding the endeavor. “I’ve had a career where I’ve done so many things, but I’ve never felt so genuinely myself as when I’m doing this project,” she says. “Watching my little idea grow has been so strange and wonderful. A year ago, I was angry at the universe, but now I’ve met so many wonderful people who’ve proven me wrong.”
The series “Reshaping Sympathy” explores how the rituals around death and offering sympathy have changed during the COVID-19 pandemic. In this article, 1-800-Flowers.com Founder and Chairman Jim McCann introduces the series with observations on the transformation of the sympathy industry.
We have been living with COVID-19 for over a year and in that time, it has changed so many aspects of our lives. One of those areas, which doesn’t get as much attention, is how it has impacted the rituals and rites of death and dying in America. Prior to the 2020 pandemic, the sympathy industry (i.e., companies that help people with loss) was already changing, but the pandemic has forced a rapid acceleration of those changes.
As I think about it there are more than a dozen situations in the past year, where someone I know has passed. In a normal year, my wife and I would have attended their memorial services, but in this day and age, it’s been too dangerous to assemble. Instead, we have waited as people have put off gatherings, put off tributes or held extremely small gatherings to share their loss.
As public health requirements eased recently, we went to our first funeral in over 10 months. It was a lovely tribute, to a wonderful woman, but one set in a battlefield of precaution. We wore masks and gloves, sat six feet apart and shared our stories of sympathy from a social distance. We both felt heartbroken watching how hard it has been for families to mourn without our established traditions. Those rituals are critical to providing those suffering a loss the emotional and social support necessary to heal.
I knew that we could be more than a source for funeral gifts, and that we could help to provide a safe space to speak about, ask questions about, and support people experiencing loss.
Jim McCann
Founder and Executive Chairman
1-800-FLOWERS.COM, Inc.
Sympathy has always been an important category for 1-800-Flowers, and this has continued to grow. A few years ago, we asked ourselves what we can do to help customers express their sympathies. We were noticing that people had so many questions and had very few places to go for answers. I knew that we could be more than a source for funeral gifts, and that we could help to provide a safe space to speak about, ask questions about, and support people experiencing loss.
So we turned to friends with an interest in loss, who had communities that expanded beyond our existing flower-focused community. The first person we turned to was my friend and national media personality, John Tesh. John has been talking about grief and condolences on air and social media with us for over four years. He has said it’s one of the most engaging topics for his audience.
Four years ago, we also reached out to partner with Rebecca Soffer, co-founder of the inspirational content site Modern Loss. Rebecca co-founded Modern Loss after losing both of her parents at a relatively early age and felt herself adrift without an understanding community with similar, albeit unfortunate, circumstances. Rebecca has been writing content pieces and leading social discussions on 1-800-Flowers.com since the start of our relationship.
Both John and Rebecca have helped us lead an honest conversation around sympathy and have come to guide our customers as they have wondered how to mourn in other countries, what to say to coworkers in their moment of loss and where to go manage the complicated process of funerals. COVID-19 has forced us to re-evaluate this work in more detail.
As we are a top provider of sympathy expression in the country, we have a window into sympathy trends as they emerge. A focus on personalization has altered the funeral experience, and the traditional one-size-fits-all funeral model has begun to fail the consumer. This represents a seismic shift in the industry as funeral traditions that have served us for the past hundred years are now being upended.
Some of these changes arise from the growing death-positive movement, which has driven increased interest in personalization in death and dying experiences, including the use of technology and green funerals. And some emerged from the lingering economic concerns following the 2008 economic crisis – people simply want funerals that are more cost effective. Additionally, our internal research uncovered numerous trends surrounding virtual services, smaller services and postponed services. And we have identified variants in culturally appropriate gifting and destinations, including more personalization in all aspects of funerals, such as funeral favors.
These trends pointed toward monumental shifts in the sympathy industry, and they have been further intensified by the COVD-19 pandemic. Now, more than ever, the industry is calling for new leaders to help people find closure and say goodbye. It’s a fraught time for an industry that deals with 2.8 million deaths a year, in the US alone, but there are many ways for the industry to shift and better help people grieve and heal.
As such, we are publishing a series of articles that explores the modern reinterpretation of sympathy rites and rituals in this COVID-19 era and moving forward to a post-COVID-19 world. We hope you find this useful, and we look forward to your comments, questions, and suggestions.
Trust us to help you express your condolences, giving comfort and support. We offer funeral flowers for the service, handcrafted by our caring florists, and sympathyand remembrance gifts for the home.
For more than a decade, musician and TV host John Tesh has been offering advice and guidance through his “Intelligence for Your Life” radio broadcasts. The short segments now reach more than 8.2 million listeners per week across the U.S., Canada, and the UK.
During this time of social distancing, with so many people who have lost loved ones, how can you express your condolences and be present, even when you are far away?
Reach out to the grieving to let them know you can be a source of support. Due to limitations on the number of people that can attend services in-person, many have turned to virtual memorial services. This gives family and friends an opportunity to share stories and memories of their loved ones that can begin to help them heal.
Be sure to check in with the bereaved for major holidays that may be difficult for them, so they don’t have to go through these feelings alone. Set calendar reminders just to call them and simply say “hi”. Hosting online events such as Netflix watch parties or virtual game nights can help bring people together and lift their spirits!
If you know someone going through a hard time, or dealing with grief, here are the best things you can say to them:
Start with “I know you’re in pain.” Or “I feel your pain.” It’s different from “I know what you’re going through,” which puts the focus on YOU. Saying “I know you’re hurting” is an expression of empathy, but you’re not pretending to know the person’s experience.
Also say: “I’m sorry for your loss.” That comes from grief support counselor and bereavement minister Patti Fitzpatrick. She says, instead of dancing around the situation, not knowing what to say, “I’m sorry for your loss” acknowledges what’s happening in an honest and direct way.
Another good thing to say to someone who’s hurting: “I’m here for you.” Don’t try to fix things – don’t try to distract them – just sit there and be with them. Let them talk if they want and just listen.
Finally, say, “I’m coming over with donuts at 10 a.m. tomorrow.” Or something like that. The point is to make a specific commitment to being with the person who needs you – instead of something vague like, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” That puts the onus on the person who’s grieving to give your direction.
Another tip on the best way to offer condolences:
Don’t say: “I remember when your dad took us on that fishing trip. Man, we had a blast…”
Do say: “Tell me about your father…”
That’s all according to Worth Kilcrease, a grief counselor in Austin, Texas. He says, letting the person grieving talk about their loved one is a better coping mechanism than listening to someone else talk. So let the bereaved person lead the conversation. If the person starts to cry, recognize what they’re feeling by saying something like, “I know this is tough…” Don’t try to relate to it though by saying, “When my dad died…” Let them have their own experience.
And if you don’t know the person well, say something – even just, “I’m sorry for your loss.” It’s not rubbing salt in the wound; it’s acknowledging that they’re going through something and validating their feelings. And that’s what people need. They need to know they have permission to experience these uncomfortable emotions instead of hiding them.
Sympathy Etiquette and Social Media
These days, social media is a big part of how we communicate. But when a friend has a death in the family, or a loved one passes away, how should you handle it on social media?
Psychotherapist Hilda Burke has this advice: First of all, follow the lead of the person who’s grieving. If they haven’t said anything on Facebook, neither should you. But if they have posted something, is it appropriate to react with a crying face emoji or make a comment? Burke says yes. But follow these guidelines:
1. Keep your message brief. Burke also says “don’t showboat.” There’s no need to prove to the world how close you were to the deceased with a long, detailed post about all the moments you shared together. If you know the person well enough to write something longer, you should send it in a private message.
2. Don’t ask about funeral arrangements in a public Facebook post. Make that private too.
3. When acknowledging the news, stick to the medium through which you received the information. If you found out about the death on social media, rather than receiving a call, that means for whatever reason that person either didn’t want to, or didn’t have time, to reach out to you personally. So when acknowledging the news, stick to the medium through which you received the information. Therefore, if you got a call, return the call. If you didn’t, respond online and wait to call so the person isn’t overwhelmed. You can send a text, but don’t make them make time for YOU until they’re ready.
On Dealing with Pet Sympathy
If you’ve ever grieved over the death of a pet the way you would for a family member, you’re not alone and it’s perfectly normal. The Journal of Mental Health Counseling reviewed several studies and concluded that the death of a companion animal can be just as devastating as the loss of a human significant other.
That’s because, while they’re alive, our pets can be as close to us as immediate family members. To illustrate that point, they conducted a study in which they asked dog owners to draw a circle and place symbols for themselves, and each of their family members, within that circle. And, psychologically, the closer a symbol was to the main subject, the closer their real-life relationship was.
Well, in every case, dogs were placed as close to the subject as their immediate human family members. And in nearly 40% of the cases, the dog was closest of all.
But, there’s always that person who says, “It was just a dog. Get over it already.” And that can lead to what’s called disenfranchised grief – which is when people feel that their pain isn’t valid or acceptable.
If you’re dealing with the loss of a pet, try to find a pet-loss support group. Because there are a lot of people who can relate to exactly what you’re going through. Local branches of the ASPCA can usually help you – and the ASPCA also has a Pet Loss Hotline at (877) GRIEF-10. And if you know someone who’s grieving for a pet, acknowledge it the same way you would if a human family member had passed.
Trends in Funeral Music Selections
Have you ever thought about the music you’d like played at your funeral? Well, the most popular funerals songs have been revealed, and some of them might surprise you.
The organization FuneralCare does an annual music study, gathering data from over 30,000 funerals to find the top music chosen for services.
The most popular choices overall are Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” – “Wind Beneath My Wings” from Bette Midler – “One Sweet Day” from Mariah Carey – and “Tears In Heaven” by Eric Clapton. But when the list gets broken down into different musical genres, things get interesting.
For example, in the “indie” music category, the top song is Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” – made famous by Grey’s Anatomy.
When it comes to rock music, the top songs are Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway To Heaven,” followed by “Free Bird,” from Lynyrd Skynyrd, and AC/DC’s “Highway To Hell,” proving that even when it comes to death, some people have a sense of humor.
David Collingwood, the head of operations for FuneralCare, says funerals are very much about personal choice and reflecting the personality, hobbies and interests of a person. So more than ever, they’re seeing people pre-plan their funeral music, and 42% of funeral directors now receive ready-made funeral playlists provided by the family.
Whether it’s a choir, a soloist, or recorded contemporary music, you don’t have to go the “traditional” route for funeral music. Just keep in mind the person you are remembering. Did they have favorite songs or artists? Check out their music library for insight. If you choose a song for its lyrics, read them carefully to ensure they are appropriate for the person being remembered.
Creating a Sympathy Memory Box
There are various ways to express your condolences, but it can be difficult to choose just the right one.
John Tesh
When someone you know has lost a loved one, you want to be there for them. There are various ways to express your condolences, but it can be difficult to choose just the right one. I like the idea of a “memory box,” which provides a special keepsake for those grieving. A gift like this is a way to guarantee they can keep their memories safe and treasured for generations to come. They can tuck away pictures, their favorite handwritten memories, and other precious sentimental items and know they’ll will always have a secure—and thoughtful—place to keep them.
How to Console a Coworker in Mourning
It can be difficult to know how to comfort and support to a coworker who has experienced the loss of a loved one. You want to be there for them, but you don’t want to push them to put their grief on display. When in doubt, show your support. They’ll appreciate your consideration.
Start by talking to HR about what’s going on. They can help by providing guidance on remembrance gifts such as what types of flowers to send, or how to make a donation in their loved one’s name. Or, if you’re close to the person who’s experiencing a loss, attending the services is always a kind gesture of support. You can also join together with other colleagues to send a gift to express your condolences.
The sympathy support team at 1-800-Flowers will help you decide whether to send flowers, a food basket, a sentimental keepsake, or something else altogether. Remember, the important thing is to let someone who is grieving know that you’re there for them. And what better way to do that than with a gift from the heart?
