Category: Coping with Loss

Since the beginning of time, women have played an indispensable role in capturing and reflecting on the human experience, from the earliest storytellers to pioneering journalists, artists, and teachers who have shaped generations of minds.

Any woman who has something to say, and says it, can have a huge impact on how we look at the important things in life. And, so, we dedicated our “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode to women storytellers and how they can strengthen our connection with one another.

Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Stephanie Wittels Wachs, cofounder and chief creative officer of Lemonada Media and host of “Last Day,” a podcast that talks about mass epidemics in a frank and often humorous way. Here are some key moments from their conversation.

Why did Wachs create Lemonada Media?

Wachs’ brother, Harris Wittels, was a comedian and writer on “Parks and Recreation” and “Master of None.” He also struggled with opioid addiction and died from an overdose in early 2014.

When her brother shared his addiction with her, Wachs felt like a bomb had been dropped on her house. She became overwhelmed by the shame and stigma around addiction, around losing her brother as she knew him, seeing him go in and out of rehab, and realizing there was nothing she and her family, or even a doctor, could do to actually make him better — the disease was just too powerful. The entire experience was incredibly isolating.

Wachs cofounded Lemonada with Jessica Cordova Kramer, a podcast producer she met and bonded with quickly over the fact that her brother also died of an overdose. They created the company to let others who are in similar situations know how important it is to talk about what they’re going through — and not just their problems but solutions too. As Wachs says, “Just sitting on your hands while your person drowns in front of you and you can’t find a life jacket is completely unacceptable.”

Why is it important to tell stories about difficult issues?

Lemonada offers an enormous breadth of programming, covering everything from opioid addiction to grief, sex to burnout, and the tough realities of motherhood to how we, as a community, can raise good kids. Wachs, Kramer, and their staff come up with the ideas for their shows by thinking about what is truly keeping people awake at night and creating the type of content people need to hear that will help them get out of bed in the morning. The goal is to show that certain situations are really hard, but also to educate listeners about what can make those situations a little easier.

Sometimes, merely listening to a show about an issue you are struggling with can make you feel better about your situation. Doing this can allow you to see yourself in that story and make you realize you aren’t alone, and can also help create more empathy in how you regard people with whom you think you have little in common. When we hear stories about people who we believe aren’t like us, we start to realize how, despite our political and cultural divides, many of us struggle with the same things.

How can we share stories in meaningful and impactful ways?

We think of storytelling as being this lofty endeavor for people who have large platforms. But by just sharing your story and observing your experience, you can inspire someone who listens to it while opening yourself to connections that are powerful and healing.

When Wachs’ brother died, she published a personal essay about her experience online. To her surprise, she found an enormous amount of solace from the responses of readers who had experienced that same kind of sorrow. It helped her realize that she preferred to talk to people who had her lived experience, and not necessarily people she knew.

Wachs encourages people to simply write or talk to someone in order to start processing how they’re feeling and what they’d like to do about it. When we go through something difficult, we often feel more comfortable speaking with people who have a certain level of shared experience or who can listen in a completely unbiased way: in a grief group, with an acquaintance who gets it…even with our pets! Everyone has a story worth sharing.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

We all have good intentions during times of loss, but due to a number of factors, including changes in our culture, we tend to have a hard time approaching the topic of grief. While we want to be there for the ones who need support the most, we simply don’t always know how. As a result, we frequently fall into the trap of offering platitudes, such as “How are you?” or “It takes a year,” unwittingly suggesting actions that will move a process along that actually has no set timeline, or, worse, ignoring it completely.

When a colleague is grieving, we find ourselves even more overwhelmed by trying to figure out how to support them. We may be nervous to cross lines with someone who we also work with professionally on a daily basis — but that shouldn’t stop us from trying. After all, we spend so much time at the office that it’s completely logical that many life milestones will be lived out in front of coworkers.

There are many ways you can sensitively — and sensibly — help a colleague affected by loss. Here are four of them.

1. Send flowers, but do more

Sending flowers, a beautiful plant, or some food in the immediate wake of a loss is a universally accepted move, so go for it. If you are so inclined, though, do more. Do you live near the funeral location, and is the service open to the public? Consider planning to show up with a group of coworkers to pay your respects in person and learn more about the one who died. What type of loss are they grieving? Identify an organization to which you and your team could make a meaningful donation in their person’s memory.

2. Pass along a simple yet meaningful message

It’s normal to feel awkward around a colleague who is going through a difficult time, especially when they are newly back at work. After all, they may be using business hours as a way to do everything in their power to stay composed. Don’t feel the need to ask them how they are doing every hour (in fact, please don’t do this!), and don’t offer any “solutions” or assurances during every encounter. Take the time to leave a handwritten card on their desk, or even just send them an email telling them how happy you are that they’re back and asking them to tell you, whenever they feel like it, how they’d prefer you bring up their loss in the workplace. (Doing this via email takes the pressure off them to give an immediate response.) When you truly have no clue what to say, use a version of this: “I wish I knew the right thing to say and how to make it better. But I want you to know how sorry I am that you are going through this, that you can always talk to me, and that I’m in your corner.” It always works.

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Gifts for a grieving coworker

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3. Find out their trigger days

Several times throughout the year, your colleague will move through a particularly emotionally charged day — be it a holiday, birthday, death anniversary — and this might explain a drop in productivity, change of mood, or any other behavior that’s out of the ordinary. Knowing about them in advance will surely make you more sympathetic to their needs. If you don’t feel comfortable asking them for this information, check in with your manager; they might be able to share the details with you. Then, add those days to your calendar and remember to be extra thoughtful around those times.

4. Practice empathy

Not everyone is comfortable being around someone else’s pain. But if you are OK with it, show all the empathy you can muster by being the one who lets them completely lose it in your presence, or opens their office to them when they need a few moments to themselves throughout the day, or invites them to a standing lunch or happy hour. It will surely strengthen both your professional and personal relationships moving forward. And, chances are, when you’re the one going through tough times in the future, you’ll know exactly who will open their office to you.

This article was authored by Modern Loss, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. Learn more at modernloss.com and the book “Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome.”

The loss of a loved one brings a year of difficult “firsts.” The first meal alone. The first vacation without them. The first Thanksgiving where their chair sits empty. The first anniversary of their death.

“Those firsts are often the most painful because the bereaved person is having to recreate their infrastructure of support as well as their daily and seasonal habits and routines,” explains Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a clinical psychologist and author based in New York.

The reason we feel this way, explains Dr. George S. Everly, a professor in the Department of International Health at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, is that we experience life in cycles — in our case, an annual rotation of the sun — and the most important milestones naturally occur within that annual cycle and are now being experienced without the loved one for the first time.

“This process culminates on the anniversary of the loss,” Everly says. The bereaved might feel a reawakening of pain, sadness, and emptiness at this time.

As a friend of the bereaved, knowing how to offer support during this incredibly emotional time can be tricky. Here are a few ways you can help ease the pain of someone who is suffering in the first year after experiencing loss.

Note important dates

Mark your calendar with important dates, Carmichael recommends. That way, you won’t let the day accidentally slip by or catch you by surprise.

For a death anniversary, consider making a note a week or so before the date of loss. “If you know that your friend lost a parent on Jan. 10, you would want to mark your calendar for, say, Jan. 3, as a heads-up to remind you about your friend’s loss,” she says.

With upcoming holidays, jot down a note to reach out to the bereaved approximately one month beforehand, especially if you want to extend an invitation to your table. Waiting until too close to the holiday can make the invite feel like an afterthought.

Know, too, that certain milestones may be more meaningful than others, and grief can return at these times with a vengeance. We often hear the adage that the “first year of grief is the hardest, but we continually reprocess grief in different life contexts,” Carmichael says. For instance, if a friend who lost her father is getting married, she may feel that loss more intensely leading up to the wedding day.

“Memories can also get attached to seasons,” she explains. That is true even if the timing does not directly coincide with the date of loss. For instance, if the bereaved enjoyed going to the beach with the person they lost, the start of summer might trigger grief. In that case, it’s a good idea to check in on them when the weather turns warmer.

How to start the conversation

Fear of saying the wrong thing often holds us back from reaching out to a friend when a death anniversary or important holiday nears. To help start the conversation, Carmichael recommends a technique called “narrating the experience,” wherein we take our internal experience surrounding the uncertainty and put it into words.

Here’s an example in a text message:

“Hi, I just wanted to check in and let you know that I’m thinking of you. I wasn’t sure if I should reach out because I know it’s such a personal time, but I still wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and if you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

This approach communicates to the bereaved that you’re aware that people process grief in different ways and you’re not trying to shape their process. It also makes room for the fact that they may or may not want to talk about it.

And if they do?

“Consider just hitting the dial button on the phone,” Carmichael says. Reflective listening — the act of simply repeating back what someone says — is a great approach to take here. It shows the person that you’re listening and actually stimulates them to share more.

When an indirect approach feels better

While dealing with grief, the bereaved can sometimes feel like they’re living in a constant spotlight. If you get the sense that your friend is feeling this way, try offering a supportive presence without directly bringing up the topic of grief.

“Sometimes a slightly indirect approach of showing support by simply being there around those sensitive times can be helpful and can set the stage for talks about their grief to arise naturally,” Carmichael explains. We can do this by inviting them for a walk, to grab a coffee, to go shopping, or whatever it is they like to do.

If you knew the deceased person, having memories on hand to share — if a moment feels right — will show you’re thinking of them. This also helps dim that spotlight and creates a two-way dialogue that can feel less draining for the bereaved.

When there’s resistance

Even if you reach out to the bereaved with the most thoughtful intentions, know that they may decline your invitation — and that’s OK.

“Don’t be surprised if they want to be alone,” Everly says. Everyone grieves in their own way, and certain dates or holidays can be a particularly hard time when those days were structured around those who have passed.

Carmichael agrees. “Even if the person declines your invitation, they get to spend the whole month before the holiday knowing they are kind of swimming in invitations. They know they have a lot of support and people are thinking of them.”

Sometimes, it’s really hard to know how best to support and comfort someone who has experienced a loss, endured heartache, or is going through a hard time. We don’t want to make the situation worse or upset that person further. The nagging fear that we might say the wrong thing often leads us to do nothing. However, according to Brooke James, creator of the podcast The Grief Coach, even the smallest gesture can have profound benefits for someone in need.

Finding the right words

James, a grief educator, saw her own friends struggle with how to be there for her when she lost her father to cancer in 2019. That experience led her to look for better ways to show support.

Today, she consults for national brands, helping them create more empathetic and supportive work environments. Her advice is to always err on the side of showing as much support as you can. “The person who is going through something already feels isolated, so when people leave them alone, thinking that’s best for them, it’s actually the worst feeling.”

If you’re not sure what to say, the best thing to do is ask, James says. “Rather than an overly emotional ‘I’m so sorry’ or ‘How are you?’ which are well-intentioned but don’t really help the receiver feel any better, there are words that can be more comforting. Saying something like ‘I don’t know what to say. I know nothing I say will change this, but I’m here for you,’ that’s perfect.”

People need encouragement for a lot of reasons, both big and small. For James, helping people be heard is an essential part of the healing process. “Right after my dad died, friends would start complaining about something in their life, and then they’d feel apologetic, like, ‘I’m sorry, this is nothing compared to what you’re going through.’ You can still be having a hard time with something even though your dad didn’t die.”

During a time like the COVID-19 pandemic, when many people were grieving things they lost or missed out on, validation is particularly relevant, James says. “Sharing in these types of conversations gives someone who’s struggling permission to be vulnerable. It’s through that process that they can move on to healing.”

When words aren’t enough

After offering words of encouragement, James advises taking action to show how much you care. This can have an exponentially greater impact, becoming a memory that comforts for years to come.

Here are six easy ways to show you care.

1. Focus on specifics

“Rather than say ‘Let me know if I can do anything to help,’ make concrete suggestions that you think the person could use.” Offering to do any number of helpful chores —laundry, house cleaning, babysitting — is a way to lighten their load, James says.

2. Set a weekly walk date

Getting outside and enjoying the fresh air with someone else — even for as little as 15 minutes — can become an immeasurable source of hope and comfort, James says.

3. Remind someone how special they are

Imagine how good a loved one will feel when they receive a delivery of flowers, food, or a beautiful keepsake (or a combination of two of them!). A heartfelt gift is a great way of letting someone know they’re in your thoughts.

4. Continue the support long term

People can be overwhelmed with support during a difficult period, James says, but their phones have a tendency to go silent a few weeks later. It’s at those times when sending a thoughtful reminder, such as a “Sending Hugs” sweets gift box or Smiling Blooms bouquet, can mean the most.

5. Offer a distraction

Although your loved one might not take you up on it, offering to take their mind off what they’re going through rather than having a serious heart-to-heart conversation can be a refreshing change, James says. “Sometimes you just want to talk about the normal things that you and your friends used to talk about.”

6. Be mindful of milestones

James says the lead-up to anniversaries of difficult times can be especially challenging. “You could send something and say, ‘I know this is a hard week coming up, so I thought you might want some pretty flowers to look at.”

Honest communication and thoughtful actions can take the guesswork out of helping someone through a hard time. When a loved one is in need of encouragement, the best advice is always, when in doubt, do something.

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19 quotes for encouragement

Did you know positive words of encouragement can actually have a positive effect on how the brain works? Research shows thoughtful phrases build resilience and motivation.

If you’re looking for the right words to send to someone in need of encouragement but are coming up empty, try using a famous quote that feels right for the situation. Here are a few to help you get started.

Learn from adversity

1. “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that’s why I succeed.” — Michael Jordan
2. “It’s not about how hard you can hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” — Rocky Balboa, Rocky
3. “Everything negative — pressure, challenges — is all an opportunity for me to rise.” — Kobe Bryant
4. “If I got rid of my demons, I’d lose my angels.” — Tennessee Williams
5. “Your past does not equal your future.” — Tony Robbins

Keep moving forward

6. “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” — Albert Einstein
7. “Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what’s going to happen next, and you are mostly just making things up as you go along. And like improv, you cannot win your life. Even when it might look like you’re winning.” — Stephen Colbert

Look at the positive

8. “If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey
9. “There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there’s life, there is hope.” — Stephen Hawking, The Theory of Everything
10. “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” — Helen Keller

Remain hopeful

11. “The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” — Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings
12. “But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light.” — Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
13. “The night is always darkest just before dawn, but I assure you, the dawn is coming.” — Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight

Be fearless

14. “Don’t be afraid of fear. Because it sharpens you, it challenges you, it makes you stronger; and when you run away from fear, you also run away from the opportunity to be your best possible self.” — Ed Helms
15. “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” — Nelson Mandela

Live life on your own terms

16. “You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours.” — White Queen, Alice in Wonderland
17. “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” — George Bernard Shaw
18. “Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.” — Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones
19. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” — Dr. Seuss