Category: Sympathy

June is known for many things in the United States: the end of school, the transition to summer, graduations, and, of course, Father’s Day. But while so much of the marketing would suggest that Father’s Day is centered on happy celebrations, this day can also be charged with mixed emotions, including sadness, longing, and other symptoms of grief. The more we talk openly about how holidays such as this contain a variety of feelings, the more we can get comfortable with supporting each other through them.

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Colin Campbell, an Academy Award-nominated writer and director for theater and film. In the summer of 2018, Colin and his wife, Gail, were hit by a speeding drunk driver. Their two teenage children, Ruby (who was 17) and Hart (who was 14), were in the backseat and did not survive. Colin’s new book, “Finding the Words: Working Through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose,” aims to help people find ways to express their grief so that they can live more fully while also holding their loved ones close.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

What should people say to someone who is grieving?

A common misconception is that the role of a supporter is to fix whatever pain the griever is going through. But people should feel relieved of that burden because they don’t need to solve that problem (for which there is no solution anyway). Supporters merely need to figure out how they can articulate that they are there for that person, that they care about them, and that, if pertinent, they loved the person that has died.

How can we feel less isolated in our grief?

Community is so important in grief. There’s a stereotype that when someone in your life dies, you’re supposed to enter your grief cave and come out whenever you’re ready. In reality, being with others is imperative. For example, I felt that the Jewish tradition of shiva, when the entire community is supposed to come and sit with the mourner for seven straight nights, was extremely comforting. My initial instinct was to retreat, because the grief over my children was so painful. But then I realized that my pain was coming from love, and that it would be a lot more helpful for me to feel held by a community and be able to share stories and feel seen than to be alone.

Grievers should also try to figure out how to tell the people in their life what they need as support. Most people want to provide meaningful support — they just don’t know how.

How can partners who are grieving together help each other?

After our children died, my wife and I clung to each other; after all, we were the only ones who understood our particular loss. But there can be strength in having different responses. As time went on, we found that sometimes we’d be on the same emotional page. Other times, one of us might feel full of despair while the other one was in a different place, say, remembering a beautiful and comforting memory — and that person was the one who’d take the lead in helping the other through the tough moment.

What role do kindness and joy play in personal grief?

When we are grieving, it can be easy to forget to take care of and be compassionate to ourselves. It can also be easy to get caught up in cycles of regret or self-criticism. But those thoughts can be very punishing. While sometimes the very idea of allowing ourselves to feel joy and pleasure can be difficult in grief, it’s an enormously important thing to try to let in. Feeling joy — even the fleeting moments — and reminding ourselves that we are simply humans going through something very universal can help counteract the hardness we place on ourselves and help us avoid mental and emotional burnout.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Since the beginning of time, women have played an indispensable role in capturing and reflecting on the human experience, from the earliest storytellers to pioneering journalists, artists, and teachers who have shaped generations of minds.

Any woman who has something to say, and says it, can have a huge impact on how we look at the important things in life. And, so, we dedicated our “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode to women storytellers and how they can strengthen our connection with one another.

Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Stephanie Wittels Wachs, cofounder and chief creative officer of Lemonada Media and host of “Last Day,” a podcast that talks about mass epidemics in a frank and often humorous way. Here are some key moments from their conversation.

Why did Wachs create Lemonada Media?

Wachs’ brother, Harris Wittels, was a comedian and writer on “Parks and Recreation” and “Master of None.” He also struggled with opioid addiction and died from an overdose in early 2014.

When her brother shared his addiction with her, Wachs felt like a bomb had been dropped on her house. She became overwhelmed by the shame and stigma around addiction, around losing her brother as she knew him, seeing him go in and out of rehab, and realizing there was nothing she and her family, or even a doctor, could do to actually make him better — the disease was just too powerful. The entire experience was incredibly isolating.

Wachs cofounded Lemonada with Jessica Cordova Kramer, a podcast producer she met and bonded with quickly over the fact that her brother also died of an overdose. They created the company to let others who are in similar situations know how important it is to talk about what they’re going through — and not just their problems but solutions too. As Wachs says, “Just sitting on your hands while your person drowns in front of you and you can’t find a life jacket is completely unacceptable.”

Why is it important to tell stories about difficult issues?

Lemonada offers an enormous breadth of programming, covering everything from opioid addiction to grief, sex to burnout, and the tough realities of motherhood to how we, as a community, can raise good kids. Wachs, Kramer, and their staff come up with the ideas for their shows by thinking about what is truly keeping people awake at night and creating the type of content people need to hear that will help them get out of bed in the morning. The goal is to show that certain situations are really hard, but also to educate listeners about what can make those situations a little easier.

Sometimes, merely listening to a show about an issue you are struggling with can make you feel better about your situation. Doing this can allow you to see yourself in that story and make you realize you aren’t alone, and can also help create more empathy in how you regard people with whom you think you have little in common. When we hear stories about people who we believe aren’t like us, we start to realize how, despite our political and cultural divides, many of us struggle with the same things.

How can we share stories in meaningful and impactful ways?

We think of storytelling as being this lofty endeavor for people who have large platforms. But by just sharing your story and observing your experience, you can inspire someone who listens to it while opening yourself to connections that are powerful and healing.

When Wachs’ brother died, she published a personal essay about her experience online. To her surprise, she found an enormous amount of solace from the responses of readers who had experienced that same kind of sorrow. It helped her realize that she preferred to talk to people who had her lived experience, and not necessarily people she knew.

Wachs encourages people to simply write or talk to someone in order to start processing how they’re feeling and what they’d like to do about it. When we go through something difficult, we often feel more comfortable speaking with people who have a certain level of shared experience or who can listen in a completely unbiased way: in a grief group, with an acquaintance who gets it…even with our pets! Everyone has a story worth sharing.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

We all have good intentions during times of loss, but due to a number of factors, including changes in our culture, we tend to have a hard time approaching the topic of grief. While we want to be there for the ones who need support the most, we simply don’t always know how. As a result, we frequently fall into the trap of offering platitudes, such as “How are you?” or “It takes a year,” unwittingly suggesting actions that will move a process along that actually has no set timeline, or, worse, ignoring it completely.

When a colleague is grieving, we find ourselves even more overwhelmed by trying to figure out how to support them. We may be nervous to cross lines with someone who we also work with professionally on a daily basis — but that shouldn’t stop us from trying. After all, we spend so much time at the office that it’s completely logical that many life milestones will be lived out in front of coworkers.

There are many ways you can sensitively — and sensibly — help a colleague affected by loss. Here are four of them.

1. Send flowers, but do more

Sending flowers, a beautiful plant, or some food in the immediate wake of a loss is a universally accepted move, so go for it. If you are so inclined, though, do more. Do you live near the funeral location, and is the service open to the public? Consider planning to show up with a group of coworkers to pay your respects in person and learn more about the one who died. What type of loss are they grieving? Identify an organization to which you and your team could make a meaningful donation in their person’s memory.

2. Pass along a simple yet meaningful message

It’s normal to feel awkward around a colleague who is going through a difficult time, especially when they are newly back at work. After all, they may be using business hours as a way to do everything in their power to stay composed. Don’t feel the need to ask them how they are doing every hour (in fact, please don’t do this!), and don’t offer any “solutions” or assurances during every encounter. Take the time to leave a handwritten card on their desk, or even just send them an email telling them how happy you are that they’re back and asking them to tell you, whenever they feel like it, how they’d prefer you bring up their loss in the workplace. (Doing this via email takes the pressure off them to give an immediate response.) When you truly have no clue what to say, use a version of this: “I wish I knew the right thing to say and how to make it better. But I want you to know how sorry I am that you are going through this, that you can always talk to me, and that I’m in your corner.” It always works.

Gifts for a grieving coworker

3. Find out their trigger days

Several times throughout the year, your colleague will move through a particularly emotionally charged day — be it a holiday, birthday, death anniversary — and this might explain a drop in productivity, change of mood, or any other behavior that’s out of the ordinary. Knowing about them in advance will surely make you more sympathetic to their needs. If you don’t feel comfortable asking them for this information, check in with your manager; they might be able to share the details with you. Then, add those days to your calendar and remember to be extra thoughtful around those times.

4. Practice empathy

Not everyone is comfortable being around someone else’s pain. But if you are OK with it, show all the empathy you can muster by being the one who lets them completely lose it in your presence, or opens their office to them when they need a few moments to themselves throughout the day, or invites them to a standing lunch or happy hour. It will surely strengthen both your professional and personal relationships moving forward. And, chances are, when you’re the one going through tough times in the future, you’ll know exactly who will open their office to you.

This article was authored by Modern Loss, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. Learn more at modernloss.com and the book “Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome.”

The loss of a loved one brings a year of difficult “firsts.” The first meal alone. The first vacation without them. The first Thanksgiving where their chair sits empty. The first anniversary of their death.

Sometimes a slightly indirect approach of showing support by simply being there around those sensitive times can be helpful, and can set the stage for talks about their grief to arise naturally.

Dr. Chloe Carmichael

Clinical psychologist

“Those firsts are often the most painful because the bereaved person is having to recreate their infrastructure of support as well as their daily and seasonal habits and routines,” explains Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a clinical psychologist and author based in New York.

The reason we feel this way, explains Dr. George S. Everly, a professor in the Department of International Health at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, is that we experience life in cycles — in our case, an annual rotation of the sun — and the most important milestones naturally occur within that annual cycle and are now being experienced without the loved one for the first time.

“This process culminates on the anniversary of the loss,” Everly says. The bereaved might feel a reawakening of pain, sadness, and emptiness at this time.

As a friend of the bereaved, knowing how to offer support during this incredibly emotional time can be tricky. Here are a few ways you can help ease the pain of someone who is suffering in the first year after experiencing loss.

Note important dates

Mark your calendar with important dates, Carmichael recommends. That way, you won’t let the day accidentally slip by or catch you by surprise.

For a death anniversary, consider making a note a week or so before the date of loss. “If you know that your friend lost a parent on Jan. 10, you would want to mark your calendar for, say, Jan. 3, as a heads-up to remind you about your friend’s loss,” she says.

With upcoming holidays, jot down a note to reach out to the bereaved approximately one month beforehand, especially if you want to extend an invitation to your table. Waiting until too close to the holiday can make the invite feel like an afterthought.

Know, too, that certain milestones may be more meaningful than others, and grief can return at these times with a vengeance. We often hear the adage that the “first year of grief is the hardest, but we continually reprocess grief in different life contexts,” Carmichael says. For instance, if a friend who lost her father is getting married, she may feel that loss more intensely leading up to the wedding day.

“Memories can also get attached to seasons,” she explains. That is true even if the timing does not directly coincide with the date of loss. For instance, if the bereaved enjoyed going to the beach with the person they lost, the start of summer might trigger grief. In that case, it’s a good idea to check in on them when the weather turns warmer.

How to start the conversation

Fear of saying the wrong thing often holds us back from reaching out to a friend when a death anniversary or important holiday nears. To help start the conversation, Carmichael recommends a technique called “narrating the experience,” wherein we take our internal experience surrounding the uncertainty and put it into words.

Here’s an example in a text message:

“Hi, I just wanted to check in and let you know that I’m thinking of you. I wasn’t sure if I should reach out because I know it’s such a personal time, but I still wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and if you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

This approach communicates to the bereaved that you’re aware that people process grief in different ways and you’re not trying to shape their process. It also makes room for the fact that they may or may not want to talk about it.

And if they do?

“Consider just hitting the dial button on the phone,” Carmichael says. Reflective listening — the act of simply repeating back what someone says — is a great approach to take here. It shows the person that you’re listening and actually stimulates them to share more.

When an indirect approach feels better

While dealing with grief, the bereaved can sometimes feel like they’re living in a constant spotlight. If you get the sense that your friend is feeling this way, try offering a supportive presence without directly bringing up the topic of grief.

“Sometimes a slightly indirect approach of showing support by simply being there around those sensitive times can be helpful and can set the stage for talks about their grief to arise naturally,” Carmichael explains. We can do this by inviting them for a walk, to grab a coffee, to go shopping, or whatever it is they like to do.

If you knew the deceased person, having memories on hand to share — if a moment feels right — will show you’re thinking of them. This also helps dim that spotlight and creates a two-way dialogue that can feel less draining for the bereaved.

When there’s resistance

Even if you reach out to the bereaved with the most thoughtful intentions, know that they may decline your invitation — and that’s OK.

“Don’t be surprised if they want to be alone,” Everly says. Everyone grieves in their own way, and certain dates or holidays can be a particularly hard time when those days were structured around those who have passed.

Carmichael agrees. “Even if the person declines your invitation, they get to spend the whole month before the holiday knowing they are kind of swimming in invitations. They know they have a lot of support and people are thinking of them.”