Power of Everyday Moments Archives

How to Welcome 50 in Style

Fifty is the new 40? Thirty? Whatever the current wisdom, it is true: The half-century mark is different from what it used to be.

Most people turning this age have reached a certain level of stability in their work, family, and life in general. So, there’s no better time to do it up big than with a birthday party that celebrates the things you love with the people you care about most.

Too old for a theme?

The short answer? No. Of course, if you have never liked themed parties, don’t feel pressured to create one now. But according to Seri Kertzner, owner of Little Miss Party, which orchestrates fabulous fetes for clients from Florida to Toronto, themes get the party started quickly.

“Fifty is not too mature for a theme,” she insists. “Theme parties are the best parties. People get really into them.”

One of her tried and tested formulas for a party theme is focusing on a former decade. This idea naturally lends itself to a certain vibe when it comes to attire, dècor, food, etc. “You can highlight the decades of the guest of honor with photos, a custom menu, and music, all reflecting the varying eras (of their life),” Kertzner says. “You can also ask guests to dress in their favorite decade.”

These five other 50th birthday theme ideas are sure to bring the party to another level.

1. Classic: You’re golden

The signature theme of a 50th birthday is gold, so this is a chance to play up the glamorous side of the day. Think gilded dècor (Banners! Balloons! Cutlery! Napkins!), attire, and food, such as gold leaf cupcakes and golden baked potatoes topped with caviar. Shine on!

2. Mysterious: Murder mystery

Invite your adventurous friends to a formal dinner where mayhem and intrigue are on the menu (mwahahaha). You can hire a company to handle the actors, props, and clues, or, for a scaled-down version, buy a kit online. It will be a scream.

3. Food focused: Tasting party

What could be better for a hardcore foodie than savoring a tasting lunch or dinner with fine wine, spirits, meat and cheese, and chocolate? Good to the last sip/bite.

4. Travel: Great escape

You’ve heard of destination weddings. Well, a milestone birthday is just as worthy an occasion to hop in the car, or on a train or plane for a fabulous weekend away.

5. Sporty: Game on

Do you love golf? Are you obsessed with pickleball? Plan your big 5-0 around your sporting life. It’s a fun, active party for all to enjoy. Dress code = very casual.

More dècor ideas for a gold-themed 50th birthday

th birthday ideas Gold Party Fans — Gold Party Fans

th birthday ideas Gold Salad Bowl — Black Dipped Gold Salad Bowl

th birthday ideas Gold Champagne Glasses — Gold Champagne Glasses

Plan for fun

People at this age tend to be busy with work, family, and other life commitments, so it’s wise to get the word out ahead of time if you want your favorite people to show up at your party. That is especially true for a destination party or if guests need to plan for special attire.

Give guests a heads-up as much as six months in advance, then send reminders closer to 90 or 60 days out. If you want guests to bring memorabilia or photos for a slideshow or toast, let them know well ahead of time. Personalized invitations are always a nice touch.

Go timeless, not trendy

Kertzner recommends keeping color palettes classy. “I am a big fan of going classic with colors, such as white, black, and gold,” she says. “They always feel sophisticated and chic for a 50th birthday party.” Of course, you can fit the scheme around the party theme, but Kertzner’s advice is less than more.

50th birthday ideas balloons table — Photo courtesy of Seri Kertzner

When it comes to table dècor and accessories, take a cue from the venue. If you rent a speakeasy for a cocktail party, lean into a Roaring Twenties vibe. For a wine or tasting party, decorate sideboards and tables with wildflowers, plus bowls and pedestals overflowing with eatable dècor. These can include everything from still-life fruits like grapes, cherries, and persimmons to cheeses sitting on fig leaves.

And make sure to provide ample seating so guests are comfortable. Turning 50 doesn’t mean you are over the hill, but it also doesn’t mean you want to stand for 4 to 5 hours straight!

Food for thought

Whether a casual buffet or five-course, sit-down dinner, the food at a milestone birthday is what the majority of guests look forward to most. Think of your menu as another creative outlet to reflect the theme or guest of honor. Make sure to keep in mind your guests’ dietary restrictions by having some vegetarian or gluten-free options on the table.

During or after the meal, make time for guests to give a toast or share memories of the guest of honor. After all, it’s a big birthday, so you want to give everyone a chance to join in the celebration.

50th birthday ideas 80s cover band — Photo courtesy of Seri Kertzner

Total Request Live

A 50th birthday is a time to splurge on a DJ instead of relying on your old mix tapes or vinyl collection (or, if you’re super hip, your Spotify playlist). “A live DJ is a must for this party,” Kertzner says. “It takes the party to the next level, and feels elevated and special, which is what you want when you’re throwing a milestone birthday party.”

Involve the guests by asking for their favorite song(s) when you send out the invite, and then share a master list of requests with the DJ. Another option is to hire a cover band to play the hits the guest of honor grew up with.

Hang on to the memories

Leaving guests with a reminder of this special birthday is a nice gesture. To make it personal, look to the guest of honor for inspiration, Kertzner says. “If they enjoy drinking Champagne (or sparkling wine), send everyone home with a mini bottle customized with a label designed for the 50th birthday,” she says. “And it’s always nice to send everyone home with a snack or treat.”

Other ideas are a keepsake frame to fill with a party picture, a keepsake glass, or a coaster. If it is a destination party, source a local craft or food item that guests can bring home with them.

How to Put on a Boutonniere in Less Than 5 Minutes

A boutonniere is a classic accessory that adds a touch of elegance and sophistication to any suit or tuxedo. However, many people don’t know how to put one on, which can lead to frustration and even damage to the flower itself (not to mention the possibility of sticking yourself with a pin).

If you have a special occasion coming up and want to add that final touch to your formal attire, you may be wondering, “How do I put on a boutonniere?” In this step-by-step guide, we walk you through how to put on a boutonniere in under 5 minutes.

Choosing the right boutonniere for your suit

The boutonniere’s purpose isn’t to steal the show, per se, but rather to add a final flair to your overall ensemble.

First and foremost, consider the color of your suit. The boutonniere should provide a contrast that allows it to stand out without clashing. It doesn’t have to match your tie or pocket square precisely, but it should complement the colors and patterns of your overall attire.

Other factors include the style of your suit and the occasion you’re attending. An ornate, extravagant boutonniere may be out of place at a business event, but perfect for a festive gala. A simple, elegant rose is a classic choice for weddings, while a less formal event, such as a prom, might call for a playful, colorful carnation.

Take note of the season as well. Certain flowers are more readily available and appropriate for different times of the year. A sprig of holly adds a festive touch for a winter event, whereas a daisy might be just the thing for a spring gathering.

Finding the right placement for your boutonniere

The traditional place to pin a boutonniere is on your left lapel. (That’s so it’s closer to your heart, a nod to the symbolism it carries.) To determine its exact location, look for the buttonhole on your lapel. If you don’t have a buttonhole, simply imagine where it would be, generally halfway up the lapel.

Next, align the stem to run parallel with the edge of your lapel. This gives it a neat, tidy look and keeps it securely in place. Make sure the flower head is pointing skyward.

Lastly, ensure your boutonniere doesn’t extend beyond the width or length of your lapel. This is not an instance where “bigger is better.” An oversized boutonniere may end up looking more gaudy than classy. The key is to seamlessly integrate the boutonniere into your outfit, not overwhelm it.

A stylish groom in a blue suit, tie and white shirt touches a bo

Pinning the boutonniere: A step by step guide

Before pinning your boutonniere, ensure it is in pristine condition. A wilted or worn boutonniere can distract from your polished appearance.
Hold the boutonniere up to your left lapel, positioning it over the buttonhole.
Grab a pin. (This is typically included with the boutonniere. If it is not, a simple straight pin will do.)
Gently hold the boutonniere in place with one hand. With your other hand, push the pin through the back of your lapel, catching the boutonniere’s stem and pushing the pin back through to the backside of the lapel. Be careful not to prick your fingers!
Double check the position. It should be firm, not wobbly, with the pin hidden from view.
Check your reflection to confirm that the boutonniere isn’t extending beyond the width or length of your lapel.
Step back and admire your work!

Practice before the big event

Don’t wait until the day of your event to try putting on your boutonniere for the first time. Be proactive and practice beforehand.

With adequate practice, you’ll cultivate the skill and confidence needed to attach your boutonniere flawlessly. Plus, you’ll be prepared for any last-minute adjustments or reattachments required on the day of the event.

11 Ideas for Throwing a Life-changing 40th Birthday Party

A 40th birthday marks a turning point in life. It’s a moment when we reflect on how far we’ve come, and how much more we want to accomplish. And if, as the saying goes, life begins at 40, a 40th birthday party offers a great way to usher in this exciting new phase of life.

Whether you’re throwing a 40th birthday party for a loved one or hosting your own big 4-0 birthday bash, we’ve got plenty of unique ideas to celebrate the start of a new decade and commemorate a big milestone.

I love to host parties that are really meaningful to the birthday recipient, and some of our favorite things from childhood can really bring a party to life.

dawn lopez

Founder of the Cutefetti blog

Nostalgic 40th birthday ideas (with a grown-up twist)

1980s-themed party

For that ’80s baby turning 40, there’s a certain heartwarming charm to reliving the era of neon, cassette tapes, and classic arcade games. “I love to host parties that are really meaningful to the birthday recipient, and some of our favorite things from childhood can really bring a party to life,” explains party expert Dawn Lopez, creator of the Cutefetti blog.

One way to throw an ’80s-themed birthday party is to go all-in on the era: Play hits from the decade by Madonna or Bon Jovi, add lots of bright decorations, and ask guests to dress up in iconic outfits of the era, such as leg warmers, oversized sweaters, and acid wash jeans.

Lopez suggests going deeper into childhood memories for a 40th birthday party theme. She likes to focus on someone’s favorite superhero or cartoon character from back in the day. “See how you can bring elements of the characters and story to life through fun foods and decorations.” You could also incorporate elements from a popular ’80s movie or video game.

40th birthday ideas with Two young people playing retro video game and holding controllers

40th birthday ideas with Closeup of diverse group of friends sharing pepperoni pizza at house party

Recreate your favorite childhood party place

Did you, or the guest of honor, spend every weekend at the arcade? Or did an ideal Friday night consist of eating pan pizza at an iconic chain restaurant or hanging out at the local video rental spot? Then throw an instant pizza party that’s even better than you remember, with pizza kits that come with a bottle of wine as bonus! (For a truly nostalgic experience, serve cola too.) You could also pick up some old school DVDs and candy to recreate those all-night movie marathons you used to have in your best friend’s basement.

Want to make a big impression? Serve up plenty of sweet treats in the form of a breakable chocolate pretzel pizza (which comes with its own mallet for busting). That’s sure to be a smashing birthday moment worth capturing.

Was the roller skating rink your second home? Lopez suggests finding a retro roller skating rink and serving themed food items. “It would be cute to serve roller skate-shaped cake, cookies, and snacks,” she says.

‘Intriguing’ 40th birthday ideas

Make turning 40 into a mystery

Grab a murder mystery game kit and assign characters beforehand so everyone can dress the part (or just wing it on the spot by supplying some props). Of course, you’ll also want to serve up snacks and drinks. A mystery cookie box and bloody marys sound appropriate. Add a classy touch with myriad mocktails, from Espress0% Martini to Sansgria, for those skipping the alcohol.

Fortune-ate at 40

Bring an air of mystique to your 40th birthday party by inviting a psychic to tell everyone’s fortunes, or DIY the future-casting with a set of tarot cards. Gift tarot-themed plant seed packets and tarot card mini journals as favors, and decorate with some tarot-themed items like candles and diffusers.

40th birthday ideas with Friends warming themselves by the bonfire, camping

Camp out under the stars

There’s nothing like escaping into nature to usher in a new beginning in life — and what better way to do it than with friends and family to celebrate turning 4-0. Get together around the campfire, tell spooky stories, and treat everyone to s’more making with your choice of ingredients presented beautifully on a customized wooden board. Pair it with s’mores-flavored popcorn and some chocolate-, marshmallow-, and graham-themed gourmet snacks.

Enriching 40th birthday ideas

Take an online workshop

Learning something new can be an invigorating and bonding experience among loved ones. And the best part is you don’t need to have any skills or prior experience to dive into a new hobby or interest. Whether it becomes a life-long passion or merely a one-time adventure, exploring a culinary, craft, or specialized skill can be a way to broaden your horizons when turning 40. Try your hand at a virtual group lesson, such as flower arranging, pasta making, succulent growing, or mixology.

Host a Bob Ross paint party

Take the classic paint party and make it epic with everyone’s favorite ASMR art instructor. Heck, you don’t even need to do any painting! (Although if you want to, we’ve got you covered.) A Bob Ross-themed 40th birthday party decoration package is sure to do the trick. Throw in “Bob Mob” for the lawn and a wine and light bites package, and you’re sure to have plenty of “happy little trees.”

40th birthday gift ideas

th birthday ideas Magnificent Roses Preserved Kaleidoscope Roses — Magnificent Roses Preserved Kaleidoscope Roses

th birthday ideas Time For Cake — Time For Cake!

th birthday ideas Happy Birthday Bath Spa Gift Set For Women — Happy Birthday Bath Spa Gift Set For Women

Transportive 40th birthday ideas

Choose your own 40th birthday adventure

You don’t need to travel far to find an adventure. Turning 40 means trying new things, so get out and do something new, such as an escape room, rage room, or VR lounge. For those that want to get the heart pumping, visit a trampoline gym or play laser tag. You’ll come home invigorated from the experience, and hungry from all the energy you expended, which is why an instant Italian dinner — with all the comforts of spaghetti and meatballs, garlic bread, and apple crostata already made and ready for you to enjoy — is the perfect birthday meal.

Your favorite book or movie birthday

At 40, you probably have very specific tastes and fandoms when it comes to your entertainment choices. Bring that pop culture obsession to life with a party that celebrates a favorite book, movie, or TV series. How about a Mad Hatter tea party or “Lord of the Rings”–inspired feast with plenty of dishes featuring “po-tay-toes“? For the Jane Austen fan, recreate the splendor of a gorgeous English garden by filling the space with springtime blooms and a stunning centerpiece. Serve up traditional English muffins, offer Regency-style dance lessons, and invite guests to dress in Bridgerton-style outfits.

40th birthday ideas with Group of happy friends congratulating young black woman at retro themed birthday party

Escape to another era

Time travel to the past with a 40th birthday party set in an iconic era. Picture turning your home into a roaring 1920s speakeasy with flapper attire, a posh cocktail-making station (don’t forget to offer some mocktails as well!), and indulgent delights, such as caviar and chocolate truffles. Or create some “disco fever” with a 70s-themed birthday bash. Invite guests to sport their best bell-bottoms and platforms, and add a disco ball, funky music and, of course, smiley faces.

No-school snow day for big kids

Remember those magical days when school got canceled for snow and all you did was watch cartoons, have snowball fights, and retreat in the house for hot chocolate breaks? Recreate those unforgettable times by inviting friends to come over in their best pajama outfits and fixing up a cereal bar with all your favorite childhood breakfast treats (including cereal cookies!), along with some adult beverages.

Lopez says, “I love the idea of throwing a sleepover-inspired party — basically, a celebration that brings the birthday person right back to their childhood. I once threw an old school party to celebrate friendships and served up a retro waffle bar and handed out friendship bracelets. It was SO much fun.”

10 Leap Year Birthday Celebration Ideas for Leaplings, Leapers, and Leapsters

Every birthday is worthy of being celebrated, but a leap year birthday deserves extra special attention. That’s because there is a 1 in 1,461 chance that an individual will be born on Feb. 29. So when you or someone you know has a birthday on that day — and it actually appears on the calendar — it’s even more important to make a big deal of it.

But before we share ideas about how to celebrate, let’s find out more about how leap years came to be and why they are still necessary. (Spoiler: It has to do with the Earth’s orbit around the sun and a fraction of a day.)

History of leap years

Thank goodness for people who pay attention to the details. While the rest of us roll through our lives content in the knowledge there are 365 days in a year, the fact is it takes 365.242190 days for Earth to orbit the sun, and that overage amounts to an additional five hours, 45 minutes, and change. Over the course of time, that fraction of a day matters — so much so that if wasn’t somehow accounted for, it would disrupt the timing of our seasons.

Some ancient calendars tracked both lunar and sun cycles, and the difference between the two tracking systems amounted to 11 days. To account for this time, the ancients added extra months to their calendars, known as interstitial months. Feeling this was too hard a system to manage, Julius Caesar did the math in 46 BCE and figured that adding an extra day to the calendar every four years would balance it out.

When I turned 24, we did a clown-themed birthday party for a 6-year-old. When I turned 40, we did a superhero party suitable for a 10-year-old.”
Bobbie Hoehner, owner of The Healing Lounge at Get Tanked Float Center

All was fine until 1582 AD, when it was discovered that the addition of a day every four years over the course of centuries resulted in an overage of 10 days. (Does your brain hurt yet? Mine does.)

Fortunately, Pope Gregory XIII found that by adding an extra day to the calendar in years evenly divided by four, and only in century years evenly divided by 400, all would be right in the universe once again. This became the Gregorian calendar, with Feb. 29 designated as the official leap year date.

Leaplings, leapers, and leapsters

Leap year babies — of which there are only about 5 million in a world populated by nearly 8 billion people — are known alternatively as leapers, leaplings, and leapsters. Bobbie Hoehner, who runs her family’s business The Healing Lounge at Get Tanked in Hinesville, Georgia, is one such leapling — and she wasn’t the only one in her family.

A birthday ad showing gift ideas for October birthdays.

“My great uncle and my aunt also had leap year birthdays, so I always had someone to celebrate with,” Hoehner says. On non-leap years, she celebrates her birthday on Feb. 28. “In the leap year community, there is debate over which day we should celebrate. Some celebrate on the 28th, some celebrate on March 1st. But 28 plus 1 equals 29, so we generally think we get to celebrate both.”

Hoehner says that being a leapling is also fun because she gets to celebrate being two ages. On leap year birthdays, she celebrates with a theme that corresponds to her leap year age. “When I turned 24, we did a clown-themed birthday party for a 6-year-old. When I turned 40, we did a superhero party suitable for a 10-year-old,” she says.

As fun as it may be for some, being a leap year baby can have its challenges, says leapling Rae Clapper, innkeeper at Apple’s Bed & Breakfast in Big Bear Lake, California. Once when she was on a cross-country trip, an encounter with a local sheriff resulted in a misunderstanding. “The sheriff asked for my license. When he came back, he said it was invalid due to my birthdate,” Clapper says. “I had to explain I was a leap year baby and even Googled it to show him! He cleared me and apologized.”

10 ways to celebrate a leap year birthday

Here are 10 ways to celebrate the rare and special occasion of a leap year birthday.

1. Treat yourself to something sweet

Regular birthdays are for cake. Leap year birthdays are for something distinctly more special, such as artisan chocolate-covered strawberries or dipped cheesecake bites (or both!).

leap year birthday artisan dipped strawberries

leap year birthday birthday cake martini

2. Shake up a leap year cocktail

Get your mixologist on with a personalized cocktail shaker set and recipe created on Feb. 29, 1928, at the historic Savoy Hotel in London.

3. Attend a leap year event

Check out your community’s events calendar or take trip to the Leap Year Festival in Anthony, Texas — the self-proclaimed leap year capital of the world.

4. Join an online leap day community

Get to know leapers just like you. The Honor Society for Leap Year Day Babies is a great place to network on all things leap year.

5. Host a themed soiree

In 2020, Clapper threw herself a “Purple Rain”/Prince-themed party. “I hired a Prince band named the Purple Ones and went all out,” she says. “It was awesome — everyone wore purple.” Don’t forget to have plenty of gourmet food and drinks on hand.

6. Take an overnight holiday

Some leapsters enjoy a two-day leap day birthday celebration, so why not take the opportunity to enjoy an overnight trip. Enjoy two or three days at a special resort or spa to commemorate the occasion.

7. Treat yourself to a spa day

If heading out of town isn’t feasible, pamper yourself with a luxury spa day at home, or host one for you and your closest friends.

8. Throw a leap year age party

Take a page out of Hoehner’s book and have a party with a theme that corresponds to your leap year age. Frogs are big in the leap year community, of course, or choose a special symbol or character that you loved growing up, such as unicorns or Mickey Mouse.

9. Give yourself a gift that gives back

Buy local, handmade items from sellers in your community or find an organization that contributes to a worthy cause when you make a purchase from it.

Flowers, food, wine…whatever your pleasure, there’s a gift subscription that can have it delivered to your door. Until your next leap day birthday!

110 Birthday Card Messages That’ll Make Every Birthday Special

Celebrating a loved one’s birthday is a joyous occasion filled with laughter, warmth, and togetherness. It also serves as the perfect opportunity to express your heartfelt wishes. Amid numerous ways to convey your love, a handwritten birthday message is a timeless way to make the person feel special. Whether for a family member, friend, or colleague, happy birthday wishes bring smiles, cheer, and a sense of connection.

Tips for writing happy birthday wishes

What’s the best way to craft a memorable birthday message? “Write at least one paragraph on something meaningful,” says Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a psychologist and couples retreat leader. “Most people only sign their name on a card, which feels very impersonal. Therefore, to stand out, write at least four to six sentences on what your relationship with them means to you.”

Understanding and embracing the uniqueness of the recipient’s personality is also key when crafting a birthday card message. “Remember, this is one of the most important days in this person’s life,” Wyatt says. “They want to know people are thinking about them and that they matter. You can be lighthearted or humorous, or you could comment on the strengths you see in them or how they have positively impacted your life.”

With that advice in mind, here are 110 birthday messages to spark inspiration and help make your words an unforgettable part of your loved one’s big day.

Funny birthday wishes

“Look at the bright side — at least you’re not as old as you will be next year.”
“Congratulations on reaching an age where your back goes out more than you do. Happy birthday!”
“Happy birthday! It’s lit, just like your candles!”
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
“Don’t worry about your advanced age. Think about it this way: You’re not old, you’re just retro!”
“Remember, you’re not getting older, you’re just increasing in value. Happy birthday, you priceless gem!”
“One minute you’re young and fun, the next you’re getting excited about (your new air fryer, vacuum, slow cooker, etc.).
“Happy birthday to someone smart, funny, great looking, and who reminds me a lot of myself.”
“Happy birthday! I’m really glad you were born. My life would be so boring without you.”
“Your big day is becoming a serious fire hazard. Quick, blow out your candles!”
“You don’t look a day over 16! From a distance, with my eyes closed. Happy birthday!”
“Don’t grow up, it’s a trap! Happy birthday!”

Short and sweet birthday wishes

“Happy birthday! May your day be as bright and joyous as your smile.”
Wishing you a year ahead filled with love, laughter, and countless beautiful moments. Happy birthday!

“Hooray for another year celebrating you!”
“I hope your birthday week is filled with all the things that make you smile.
“Best wishes for a day filled with love and laughter.”
“Hope you get everything you wish for on your birthday.”
“Sending you warm wishes today on your birthday, and always!”
“May this special day bring you all the happiness you’ve given to others. Happy birthday!”

“Warm wishes for a day that’s just as wonderful as you are.”
“Wishing you all the best on your special day.”

Happy birthday wishes for your wife

“Wishing the most beautiful woman in the world the happiest of birthdays! Your love lights up my life, and I feel lucky to spend each day with you.”
“To the queen of my heart, happy birthday! Your love is my greatest treasure, and I can’t wait to make this day as extraordinary as you are.”
“Happy birthday to the woman who completes me in every way possible. May your day be filled with the same love and joy you bring to my life.”
“Wishing my amazing wife a birthday as beautiful and special as she is. Thank you for being my partner, my confidant, and the love of my life.”
“Cheers to the most amazing wife on her birthday! Your love is the greatest gift, and I’m grateful for every moment we share. Here’s to another year of adventures together.”
“Wishing my wonderful wife a birthday filled with love, surprises, and everything that brings you happiness. You deserve the world, and I’m here to make sure you get it!”
“Happy birthday to my favorite person in the entire world! You are the icing on my cake, and I can’t wait to celebrate you all day long.”
“Cheers to another year around the sun, sweetheart. Happy birthday!”
“You are the most thoughtful, intelligent, and caring person I know. How lucky am I to call you my wife? Happy birthday, beautiful!”
“You’ve always been the most stunning woman in the world to me, and that will never change. Happy birthday, gorgeous!”

Majestic Grandeur Gourmet Birthday Gift Basket

Personalized Message in a Bottle® Happy Birthday

Happy birthday wishes for your husband

“Happy birthday to my amazing husband! Your love is the anchor of our family, and I’m grateful for the joy you bring to our lives. Here’s to celebrating you on your special day.”
“Cheers to the one who stole my heart! Happy birthday, my husband. May your day be filled with surprises, joy, and all the things that make you smile.”
“Wishing the happiest of birthdays to the man who makes every day brighter! May this year be filled with laughter, love, and dreams realized.”
“Happy birthday to the man who makes my heart skip a beat! Your love and kindness never cease to amaze me. May your day be as incredible as you are.”
“Happy birthday to my rock, my love, and my best friend! Your presence in my life brings me endless joy. May this year be filled with exciting adventures and dreams fulfilled. Cheers to you, my amazing husband!”
“On your special day, I want to remind you how much you’re loved and appreciated. Happy birthday, my handsome husband. Here’s to another year of shared laughter, love, and unforgettable moments together.”
“Happy birthday to my built-in best friend! I love you so much!”
“You are the most thoughtful, intelligent, and caring person I know. How lucky I am to call you my husband. Happy birthday, handsome!”
“Happy birthday to the most special person in my life. You are my love, my heart, and my joy!”
“Every year on your birthday, I get reminded of how much you mean to me. Happy birthday to my best friend and soulmate!”

Happy birthday wishes for your girlfriend

“Happy birthday to the most incredible woman in my life! Your presence fills my days with love and joy. May this day be as special and beautiful as you are.”
“Wishing my beautiful girlfriend a day filled with laughter, love, and unforgettable moments. Happy birthday! Here’s to creating many more cherished memories together!”
“Happy birthday, my love! Your smile brightens my days, and your love completes my life. May your birthday be as magical and enchanting as you are.”
“To the beautiful woman stole my heart — happy birthday! Your love is the greatest gift, and I’m grateful for the happiness you bring to my life every day.”
“Happy birthday, sweetheart! I’m excited to celebrate this special day with you! May all your dreams come true in the coming year.”
“Wishing you a day as marvelous and vibrant as you are! Happy birthday, my perfect girlfriend. May your birthday be the start of a year filled with love, success, and all the happiness in the world.”
“Your love is my greatest treasure, and I can’t wait to make this day as special as you are. Happy birthday!”
“Cheers to the most beautiful soul I know! Happy birthday, my love! May this year be filled with love, laughter, and everything your heart desires.”

Happy birthday wishes for your boyfriend

“Happy birthday to my incredible boyfriend! Your love fills my days with joy, and I’m grateful to celebrate another year of you!”
“Wishing the happiest of birthdays to the man who makes my heart skip a beat. Happy birthday, my love! May your day be filled with laughter, surprises, and all the happiness you deserve.”
“Happy birthday to the one who brings so much warmth and happiness to my life. Your love is a gift, and I’m lucky to share this special day with you.”
“Cheers to the guy who makes every day brighter! Happy birthday, my handsome boyfriend. May this year be filled with exciting adventures, dreams fulfilled, and lots of love.”
“On your special day, I want you to know how much you mean to me. Happy birthday, my love. Your presence is a source of joy, and I’m excited for another year of shared moments.”
“Happy birthday to the man who stole my heart! Your love is my greatest treasure, and I’m thrilled to celebrate you today. May this birthday be just as amazing as you are.”
“To the one who makes my world complete — happy birthday! Your love is the best gift, and I’m looking forward to making this day as magical as our lives are together.”
“Happy birthday to my love and best friend! May your day be filled with all the things that bring you happiness. Here’s to another year of wonderful memories together!”

Happy birthday wishes for Mom

birthday wishes flowers card breakfast tray

“Happy birthday to the most incredible mom! Your love is a guiding light in my life, and I’m grateful for your warmth and wisdom. May your day be as wonderful as you are.”
“Wishing my beautiful mom a day filled with love, joy, and all the happiness in the world. Happy birthday, and thank you for being my inspiration!”
“Happy birthday, Mom! Your kindness, strength, and unconditional love make you a remarkable woman. May your day be surrounded by the same love and joy you bring to our family.”
“To the woman who shaped my world with love — happy birthday! Your wisdom and grace inspire me every day, and I’m lucky to have you as my mom. May your special day be as extraordinary as you are!”
“Happy birthday to the queen of our family! Your love is the heartbeat of our home, and I’m grateful for all the sacrifices you’ve made for us. May your day be filled with the love and joy you’ve given us through the years.”
“I’m lucky to have a mom who is also my best friend. Happy birthday!”
“Every year on this day, I’m reminded how lucky I am to have a mom like you. Happy birthday, Mom!”
“Happy birthday to the real MVP of the family!”

Happy birthday wishes for Dad

“Happy birthday to my amazing dad! Your strength, wisdom, and love have shaped me into the person I am today. May your day be filled with joy, laughter, and all the things you love.”
“Wishing the best dad ever a fantastic birthday! Your guidance and support mean the world to me, and I hope your day is as special as you’ve made mine throughout the years.”
“Happy birthday, Dad! Your love is a constant source of inspiration, and I’m grateful for all the memories we’ve shared. Get ready to have the best day ever!”
“To the man who has been my hero from day one — happy birthday! Your kindness and strength amaze me. May your special day be filled with love, laughter, and all your favorite things.”
“Happy birthday, Dad! Your wisdom and warmth light up our family. May your day be as bright and wonderful as the love you’ve always given us. Cheers to celebrating you!”
“I’m the luckiest person to have a dad like you. Happy birthday!”
“Thank you for always making me feel safe and loved. Sometimes, the simplest things are the most precious and cherished. Happy birthday!”
“I can always count on you to lift me when I’m low and encourage me to keep going. Thank you for being you. Happy birthday, Dad!”

Happy birthday wishes for your sister

“Happy birthday to my sister! Your presence adds so much joy and laughter to my life. Thank you for being my best friend and biggest supporter!”
“Wishing the happiest of birthdays to the best sister ever! Your kindness, strength, and love inspire me every day. May this year bring you all the success and joy you deserve.”
“Happy birthday, sis! Your friendship is a treasure, and I’m grateful for the bond we share. May your day be filled with fun, laughter, and all the special moments that make it truly memorable.”
“Happy birthday to my amazing sister! Your smile brightens up my world. May your birthday be as wonderful and inspirational as you are.”
“Happy birthday to the sister who makes my life more colorful! Your energy, enthusiasm, and love are truly one of a kind. May your day be filled with all the happiness you bring to the lives of those around you.”
“I am the luckiest person on the planet to get to call you my sister. Happy birthday to my favorite person in the world!”
“It’s an honor to have you as a sister and watch you grow into such an amazing person. I love you, and happy birthday!”
“I’m so grateful to have grown up with you. I have you to thank for some of the happiest memories of my life, and I know we’ll make many more. Happy birthday!”

Happy birthday wishes for your brother

“Happy birthday to my awesome brother! Your presence adds so much joy and laughter to my life. May your day be filled with excitement, surprises, and all the things that bring you happiness.”
“Wishing the happiest of birthdays to the best brother ever! Your strength, kindness, and humor make you truly special. May this year be filled with success, adventure, and all the good things life has to offer.”
“Happy birthday, bro! Your friendship means the world to me, and I’m grateful for the bond we share. May your day be filled with celebration, laughter, and the company of those you hold dear.”
“Happy birthday to my incredible brother! Your generosity, wisdom, and love make you a remarkable person. May your birthday be as amazing and extraordinary as you are!”
“Happy birthday to the brother who makes life more fun! Your energy, positivity, and warmth light up our family. May your day be filled with happiness, love, and all the things that bring you joy.”
“Cheers to another year of being the best brother ever. Happy birthday!”
“Happy birthday to the guy who always protected me, even though I’m the older sibling. Cheers, little brother!”
“Having you as a built-in best friend is the biggest blessing of my life. Happy birthday, brother!”

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Happy birthday wishes for Grandma

“Happy birthday to the sweetest grandma in the world! Your love and wisdom have shaped our family, and we are so grateful for the joy you bring to our lives. May your day be filled with all the happiness you’ve shared with us.”
“Wishing a very special birthday to my incredible grandma! Your warmth, kindness, and comforting presence make our family complete. May your day be filled with love, laughter, and cherished moments.”
“Happy birthday, Grandma! Your love is a guiding light in our lives, and your stories are the threads that weave our family together. May this year bring you all the joy and happiness you deserve.”
“To the queen of our family, happy birthday, Grandma! Your grace and strength inspire us every day. May your birthday be as beautiful and heartwarming as the love you’ve showered us with!”
“Warmest birthday wishes to my amazing grandma! Your hugs are the best, and your love is unmatched. May your special day be filled with the same warmth and joy you’ve always given me.”

Happy birthday wishes for Grandpa

“Happy birthday to the coolest grandpa ever! Your wisdom, humor, and love are the cornerstones of our family. May your day be filled with laughter, good company, and everything you enjoy.”
“Wishing a fantastic birthday to my wonderful grandpa! Your stories are a treasure, and your presence is a blessing. May this year bring you health, happiness, and all the joys of life.”
“Happy birthday, Grandpa! Your strength and resilience are an inspiration to us all. May your day be filled with the all love and appreciation you deserve.”
“To the grandpa who always knows how to make me smile — happy birthday! Your love is a constant source of warmth and comfort. May your special day be filled with joy and dreams realized!”
“Warmest birthday wishes to my amazing grandpa! Your guidance and love has shaped my life in beautiful ways. May your day be filled with the same joy and happiness you’ve given me over the years.”

Happy birthday wishes for friends

“Happy birthday to my best friend! Your friendship brings so much joy and laughter to my life. May your day be filled with amazing moments and lots of cake!”
“Wishing the happiest of birthdays to the one who makes every day brighter! Your friendship is a gift, and I’m grateful for the memories we’ve created together. May your year be filled with exciting adventures and all your dreams coming true.”

“Happy birthday, my dear friend! Your kindness, loyalty, and humor make you truly special. May your day be as fantastic as you are.”
“Happy birthday to the friend who has been there through thick and thin! Your support means the world to me, and I hope your day is filled with love, laughter, and all the things that bring you happiness.”
“Happy birthday to my best friend! You truly know how to turn ordinary moments into extraordinary memories. May your special day be filled with surprises, joy, and lots of laughs.”

Happy birthday wishes for co-workers

“Happy birthday to my favorite co-worker! You truly inspire me. May your day be filled with well-deserved recognition, joy, and relaxation.”
“Wishing a very happy birthday to the one who makes the workplace brighter! Your positive energy and teamwork are truly appreciated!”
“Happy birthday to one of the greats! May your day be filled with celebration and appreciation!”
“Happiest of birthdays to you! May your special day be as productive and successful as you are at work!”
“Warmest birthday wishes to my wonderful co-worker. You make the office a better place!”

The Birthday Blues: What It Feels Like, Why We Experience It, and How to Get Through It

Gary spent his 48th birthday at work, hauling junk. He didn’t talk about the significance of the day with his work buddies — or anyone else, for that matter. In fact, Gary, who asked to keep his last name private, hasn’t celebrated a birthday in years.

Be sensitive and mindful of how other people experience their birthdays and what they might need during those times.

ash king

Psychologist and social media researcher

He dreads turning 50. “Fifty is holy Moses!” he says, “I still think I’m 25 in my head.”

Birthdays — and holidays — have made him sad ever since his mother died when he was 36. He misses her, and even more so on occasions when they would have been together. With each birthday, he also feels the weight of regrets and the mistakes he’s made in his work life. “I haven’t used my time well,” he confesses, adding, “but other people deal with worse.”

That’s true. “I have a number of close friends and family members who experience low mood on their birthdays,” says Ash King, a psychologist and social media researcher in Sydney. Feeling sad, self-critical, or regretful, as Gary does, isn’t uncommon. The “birthday blues” have many causes, and some of them have deep roots. Research even shows an uptick in suicides on birthdays among middle-aged men in the United Kingdom and in Japan, on milestones like turning 40.

Don’t assume you can jolly someone out of this state. A surprise party — or even an extravagant trip — can backfire. Instead, “be sensitive and mindful of how other people experience their birthdays and what they might need during those times,” King says. “I think we should follow our friends’ lead.”

That doesn’t always mean doing nothing — you might send a bouquet, plant, or card — but don’t push.

Are you depressed or suffering from anxiety?

Gary confesses he’s depressed, although he’s not in treatment. About 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. are diagnosed with depression in their lifetime, and many more live with symptoms — insomnia, low energy, aches and pains, lack of appetite or enthusiasm — without seeking medical care. Like Gary, they may try to ignore their birthdays to avoid a downward mood swing. Celebrations just aren’t in sync with their feelings. If you’re carrying around shame or guilt, feeling as if you don’t deserve gifts or attention is natural. If you are deeply sad or angry, putting on a gracious face for friends, coworkers, or family might just seem phony, or a burden.

Depression can also produce agitation, marked by fear rather than sadness. As Alexandra Koster writes in her 2022 article titled “Yes, There’s a Reason Why You Cry on Your Birthday Every Year,” “When my birthday approached, I found myself feeling uneasy and perpetually nauseous. I couldn’t leave the house without a pit in my stomach, and you could practically feel the anxiety living it up in the back of my throat. The idea of planning a birthday event was panic-attack-inducing.”

Jim White, a retired lawyer, says he conquered his birthday blues by “consciously evoking the presence of family members who are dear to me.”

Recalling your childhood or teen birthdays may help you understand or soothe your adult birthday blues. Gary remembers that his mother made an effort to make his childhood birthdays fun. “They weren’t so great — but she tried,” he says.

Jim White’s birthday was only a day apart from his father’s. “I kept wondering why he hated me,” says White, a retired lawyer. His father had had a hard childhood, and, White believes, he may have resented his more fortunate son. The memory of feeling resented, White suspects, was one reason his own birthdays were tough for decades.

For many people, the risk of rejection is overwhelming. Some traumatic associations are obvious: the unexpected breakup or a car crash after a drinking party that has poisoned all birthdays for you. Others are subtle and half forgotten. Maybe you noticed that other kids got fancier presents and understood that your family’s finances were shaky.

But even without depression or trauma, resisting the idea that you’re older is common. We watch people age in ways that cause pain to themselves and others, and we don’t want to follow in those footsteps. If unwrinkled skin and a full head of hair are important to your self-esteem, then every birthday feels like proof you’re becoming less attractive. Like Gary, you might be disappointed in your progress, wishing things had gone differently.

Deaths are linked to birthday blues

White, who turned 76 in October, began to feel especially bad around his birthdays in his 30s, after his father-in-law died young. His own mortality loomed: “I just came closer and closer to what I knew would eventually be my death. This was upsetting to me,” he says, “It isn’t so much now.” He worried that he wouldn’t be alive to help his friends and family as tragedies came their way.

Honoring the memory of loved ones has helped him feel better about his own birthday. For years, he sent his mother spring bouquets on her birthday, often through 1-800 Flowers.com. When she died, the next year he sent his sister tulips on her birthday, and he has kept up the tradition ever since.

By his 60s, White lost his birthday blues. People just kept dying — and he stopped fighting the idea. Instead, he reached out in his mind to his late grandmother and mother. “What made me feel better was very consciously evoking the presence of family members who are dear to me,” he says. When he turned 65, he gave himself a grand bash at a beloved church and established a fund in his mother’s name.

What you can do

birthday blues woman admiring flowers on bed

If you know someone who struggles with the birthday blues, you can show you care by remembering quirks and indulging them in quiet ways. For instance, if your sister loves peach cobbler, bring her one with a single candle and let her eat it later, alone. Or send her a simple bouquet. The key is that she can enjoy it privately, on her own schedule.

White’s wife and children always arranged low-key family celebrations for him, and his sister reciprocated his gifts, sending him autumnal arrangements. “Oh, they were wonderful,” he says. “They did make me feel better.” Eventually, she switched to sending him home-cooked hams, one of his favorite meals.

Ask about birthday memories, and let your friends and family tell you about the awful ones. If you’ve had your own bad birthdays, you can share that too. One option is to recognize a birthday, without too much fanfare, at another time. For example, you could arrange theater tickets on a date a month before or after a birthday and tell the recipient casually at the theater that the ticket is your birthday gift.

If you’re struggling with your own birthday, try to be proactive. Pull out a journal and write about why you’re feeling down, King suggests. But don’t use your journal as a way to beat yourself up. Instead, put your feelings into perspective with phrases like “Anyone would feel bad if…” Writing about emotional pain works best if you practice self-compassion. Also consider booking yourself a manicure or buying yourself a small treat, just in case it helps. And go ahead — tell friends that birthdays are difficult for you.

Birthday blues, on their own, are not an immediate cause for concern. They could, however, be a sign of a “deeper psychological issue,” including clinical depression, King notes. Along with feelings of “hopelessness, worthlessness, and despair,” the danger signs include an unrelenting low mood that lasts more than two weeks, with disrupted sleep and eating patterns. Any of these are cues to seek help.

Birthdays aren’t happy occasions for all of us. They can be painful reminders of the swiftly passing years, and can act as triggers for memories we’d rather forget. Remember that the next time yours, or that of someone you care about, rolls around, and to be kind to yourself, and others.

How to Achieve Your New Year’s Resolutions Despite the Daunting Odds

The beginning of a new year is a great opportunity to reflect on the past and make a fresh start — whether that means eating healthier meals, getting more exercise, saving money, or quitting a bad habit, like smoking. Making resolutions, however, is just the first step; figuring out how to accomplish them all is the hard part.

If you’re looking to make a positive change in your life in 2024, we have expert advice, tips, and helpful resources to help you make your New Year’s resolutions last the entire year.

4 tips for keeping your New Year’s resolutions

No matter what changes you resolve to make in your life this year, sticking to them can be a challenge. Most of us, in fact, make a few crucial mistakes when making New Year’s resolutions, which often causes us to give up on them.

But there are proven ways you can achieve long-term results and make positive, lifelong changes. Here are four tips on making your 2023 resolutions truly stick this year.

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1. Focus on one goal at a time

Making too many changes all at once can be daunting. Simplify your list of New Year’s resolutions by focusing on one goal at a time. Change just one habit and focus on just that for 30 to 60 days before adding another challenge.

For example, if your goal is to lose weight, don’t start with a punishing diet and spending every day at the gym. Start by tracking what you eat and scheduling three workouts a week until this becomes your new habit. After a couple of months, examine your eating habits and make a change to your diet you can stick to for the next 30 to 60 days while maintaining your workout schedule.

“Setting small, attainable goals throughout the year, instead of a singular, overwhelming goal on January first, can help you reach whatever it is you strive for,” says psychologist Lynn Bufka, PhD, in an article on the American Psychological Association website. “Remember, it is not the extent of the change that matters but rather the act of recognizing that lifestyle change is important and working toward it, one step at a time.”

New Year's Resolutions with runner tying shoes

2. Make a plan & track your progress

Unhealthy habits develop over time, which is why changing them also takes time. Make the commitment by devising a long-term plan, breaking down your goal into manageable chunks, and tracking your progress.

For instance, if your goal is to lose weight and all you focus on is the number on the scale each morning, you’re bound to get discouraged. Instead of fixating on that number, keep track of your workouts and what you eat. That way, your successful week will be marked by the amount of exercise you got and healthy meals you ate — not by what the scale reads.

It’s also important to track things you’re trying to eliminate from your life, such as smoking or biting your nails. Logging your progress in an app or a journal, or even through photos, can help show progress and reinforce the commitment to your goal.

New Year's Resolutions with healthy food

3. Don’t give up

Our excitement and determination about our resolutions tend to fade as weeks and months pass, and we get busy with everyday life. If you’re find yourself falling back into your old ways, don’t get discouraged. Remember that taking a step back is completely normal and achieving your goals is not about perfection.

If you skipped a week at the gym or ate a decadent dessert on your diet, it’s OK. Forgive yourself and get back on track with your resolutions.

“Take credit for success when you achieve a resolution, but don’t blame yourself if you fail. Instead, look at the barriers that were in your way. See how you can do better next time and figure out a better plan to succeed. You do get to try again and can make behavior changes throughout the year, not only at New Year’s,” says psychology professor Alan Marlatt, PhD, who has studied the topic of resolutions for over 20 years at the University of Washington.

4. Get help if you need it

Staying positive and seeking help when you need it will help you stick to your resolutions. There are countless resources, advice, and support available for whatever you’re striving to achieve.

If your plan isn’t producing results, or if you’re stressed or overwhelmed, take a moment to reexamine your goals and get help from family, friends, and professionals who are experts in what you’re trying to achieve. Join a support group, meet with a dietitian, or schedule a session with a personal trainer. Sharing your struggles with someone else and getting help will make your goals more attainable.

New Year's Resolutions making healthy meal

BONUS TIP: Make the right investment

To stay motivated throughout the year, consider investing in books, tools, apps, resources, and other items that will help you be successful with your goals.

Buying new workout clothes and gear will make you feel good when you head to the gym. A new healthy cookbook might be just what you need to motivate you to try more healthy meals. A water bottle will be a good reminder to drink more water throughout the day. And a powerful budgeting app can help you stay on track with your new saving goals. You can also consider taking a class or joining a club to achieve your goals of learning something new.

Apps & resources for your resolutions

Here are some additional tips and resources for some of the most popular and common New Year’s resolutions.

1. Get more exercise

Start by finding simple ways to get more movement throughout the day, such as taking the stairs, parking your car farther away, or walking on your lunch, instead of mindlessly scrolling social media. Invest in workout clothes and gear that will make you feel good, and schedule your workouts just like you would any other important appointment.

Try different types of workouts to find something you really enjoy. Fitness Blender, DAREBEE, and HASfit offer free videos and workout routines you can do right at home. The Nike Training Club app is another resource that offers free video workouts and tips for all levels.

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2. Eat a healthy diet

Eating healthy also means drinking healthy. Start by tracking your water intake and minimizing any sugary beverages you enjoy on a regular basis, or switching to black coffee. Try cooking one new healthy recipe each week and adding fruits and vegetables to every meal.

There’s no shortage of healthy recipes on the web, along with free apps, such as SuperFood – Healthy Recipes, which offers a calorie counter with relevant nutrition information. If you’re looking for a meal planning tool, consider mealime or the wide variety of healthy meal plans available at EatingWell. Guys who are new to cooking will enjoy Fit Men Cook, which offers easy, practical, and healthy recipes, including keto, vegetarian, and vegan options.

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3. Lose weight

The goal of losing weight should really start with a visit to the doctor to ensure your health is in check before starting a weight loss plan. Excess weight can be caused or related to a number of health issues, and not every diet or exercise plan is safe or effective for everyone.

Once your doctor provides you with safe goals that complement your lifestyle, you can use free apps like MyFitnessPal or MyNetDiary to track your daily nutrition, physical activity, and sleep.

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4. Save more money

If getting out of debt or building up your savings is your resolution, there are plenty of resources and helpful apps to make the process easy.

For help with building a budget, start with Dave Ramsey’s site and his free Guide to Budgeting from EveryDollar, which covers how to create a budget, pay off debt and start saving. EveryDollar also offers a budgeting app, which allows you to track your spending, plan expenses, and set financial goals. (The app has free and paid versions.) Mint is another great option for managing your finances; the free app offers budgeting, credit score information, investment tracking tools, and other useful features. For a small fee, the You Need A Budget and Oportun apps are popular alternatives, and each offers a free trial.

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5. Reduce stress

Managing daily stress and providing self care are on a lot of New Year’s resolution lists these days — and there are many ways to achieve these goals.

Start with basics, such as making sure you get enough sleep, exercise, and fresh air. Keep a sleep journal or look for apps that help you track your sleep habits. Also consider a relaxation app that helps with breathing exercises, mindfulness, and mediation, such as Calm or Pacifica. Get your steps in each day, preferably outside and in nature. Find activities and hobbies that bring you joy, and make time to unwind and relax at the end of the day with a good book, puzzle or game, glass of wine, cozy blanket, and scented candle.

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6. Declutter & organize

We all want a cleaner, more organized home, and achieving this is probably easier than you think.

Start by creating a command center where your calendar, schedules, appointments, and other important information can be visible to all family members. Add a spot for everyone to leave their keys, backpacks, purses, and other important belongings.

When it comes the kids, consider implementing chore charts, cleaning schedules, rewards, and other methods to get everyone involved in keeping the home clean and organized.

For organization advice and inspiration, look to Marie Kondo and The Home Edit, both of which have shows on Netflix that are as informative as they are entertaining.

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Attending Holiday Gatherings When a Loved One Is Gone

The holidays are here, and while they can be filled with revelry, joy, delight, and magic, the months of November and December can also be a tenuous, sad, and isolating stretch for people who know there will be an empty seat at the table.

Our time is valuable, and so we need to be intentional about how we spend it. But there’s no roadmap for grief, especially during a season full of personal and professional celebratory invitations and opportunities to host. This time of year — more so than any other — it can be difficult to decide what to say yes to, what to decline (and how), and how to bring people together in ways that meet you where you’re at.

Light After Loss Ep. 26: How to Attend Holiday Gatherings When A Loved One Is Gone w/ Priya Parker

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Priya Parker, a facilitator trained in conflict resolution, strategic advisor, acclaimed author of “The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters,” and executive producer and host of the The New York Times podcast “Together Apart.” The two talked about intentionally bowing out of what doesn’t feel right, leaning into what does, and teasing some meaning out of new rituals.

Practice a “gathering diet” when deciding whether to accept an invitation

In addition to nutritional diets (deciding what to put in your body) and informational diets (deciding what information to read and focus on), there are also “gathering diets.” Embracing a gathering diet is a way to become more thoughtful about what, when, and how you attend, and what you say yes and no to.

When you receive an invitation, instead of offering a knee-jerk response — “I have to say yes, she’s my friend” or “Maybe I shouldn’t go because I don’t want everyone to think I’m going to be a downer” — take a few moments to listen to your body. How does it feel? Are you tensing up and feeling dread and stress, or rather warmth, relaxation, and maybe even a little excitement? Use what you’re feeling to help you make a decision that goes beyond what your mind alone is telling you.

grief at the holidays with sad woman sitting on couch with laptop

Want to pass on an invitation? Offer a “connected no.”

Receiving an invitation is like catching a ball the host has tossed to you. Part of being a good and intentional guest is throwing it back to them. It’s natural to assume that throwing it back only means accepting an invite, but you can also do so by saying a “connected no.” (Make sure you do it, though, without expressing ambivalence, which can sap everyone’s energy, including your own.)

Write a response that honors the invitation and host, values the relationship between the two, and might create a different pathway for how you might like to spend time together. Perhaps that’s dinner with just the two of you or a smaller circle of friends, or doing an activity that doesn’t involve a lot of talking, or reconnecting after the holidays, when you might feel a little less raw. You can still be in a relationship with someone without saying yes on their terms all the time.

What if we’ve said yes to an invitation, but as the event nears, we change our minds?

The purpose of gatherings is connection, and even saying no is a way to practice that connection. People can’t always intuit exactly what we are going through on a given day — even if they know we’re going through a rough time — but it’s a communal responsibility to hold space for our hard things. If the day of the event is imminent and you can’t fathom the idea of going through with it, simply give yourself permission to open up about the presence of loss within the context of your life. People overwhelmingly want to be helpful and supportive; give them a chance to do so.

Of note: If you’re uncertain about attending something, showing up and seeing how you feel can’t hurt. First, you can always leave whenever you want, and second, it might just be the medicine you needed. You never know what meaningful connections you’ll make.

How can family members or groups of friends host meaningful holiday gatherings when someone important is gone without overshadowing the spirit of celebration?

Memorize this phrase: Practice meaning as medicine. Anyone who takes on the role of host is inherently inviting their guests to create meaning, and that’s a skill we can all learn.

grief at the holidays with a family at the table for christmas dinner

Here are two ideas for planning a gathering when most of those in attendance are grieving the same person or people.

Hosting begins well before the actual event. If a gathering carries a greater risk, with a variety of personalities and higher level of tenderness surrounding a loss, ask yourself ahead of time: “What is our need and purpose this year?” Consider how much all of you would like to dial up or down the memory of your person in order to strike as much of a balance between that feeling of comfort and the inevitable feelings of sadness.
Ask your guests what they’d like the holiday to feel like and make sure to guide them toward what to expect in your invitation. For example, are they seeking “comfort” and “happiness” after a grandparent or parent’s death? Consider asking each person to send a few songs that bring them those feelings, and then create a playlist. At the event, encourage your guests to share stories about what their songs mean to them when they hear them — especially those that involve memories of your person. This will inevitably create a meaningful and deeply connected experience.

Connection is the antidote to grief and loneliness. You can be in a crowded celebration and feel incredibly isolated; you can also be physically alone and feel like it’s exactly what you need. In a season of both loss and light, give yourself permission to be around the people who feel nourishing to you, and take a pass on those who don’t.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. You can download Priya Parker’s free guide for new and creative ways to spend time together here.

Sitting Shiva: What Does It Mean?

The first few days after the loss of a loved one can often be met with intense grief and disorientation. In Judaism, a traditional practice known as “sitting shiva” offers a space for family and friends to grieve together and support one another while observing specific customs. Rabbi Steven Kane of Congregation Sons of Israel in Briarcliff Manor, New York, explains the rich tapestry of shiva traditions and rituals, as well as what you can expect if you are making your first shiva call.

What is the meaning of shiva?

Shiva is a Hebrew word meaning “seven,” which symbolizes the week-long period of mourning. During shiva, mourners sit low to the ground, often on special low-cut chairs.

“They sit lower to the ground to be closer, literally, to their loved one who is now buried in the ground,” Rabbi Kane explains. This practice, along with the observance of the mourning period, is referred to as “sitting shiva.”

Where is shiva held, and does it always last seven days?

Shiva is traditionally held at the home of the deceased. However, as a practical matter, it often ends up being at the home of one of the other mourners, such as a child, Rabbi Kane explains. There is no designated “host,” as the primary purpose is to visit with the mourner and provide comfort. Friends, relatives, or members of the congregation often assist in organizing it.

As with many customs, the observance of shiva can vary among individuals, with some choosing not to sit shiva or opting for a shorter period than the traditional seven days. For example, physicians who are needed by their patients may only sit shiva for three days, Rabbi Kane explains.

When does shiva begin and end?

Shiva commences immediately after the burial of the deceased. The traditional seven days of shiva, however, are understood to be both comforting and potentially overwhelming, often lasting only four to five days in practice. The day of the funeral counts as the first day, Rabbi Kane says, but on Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath), which still counts as one of the seven days of the mourning period, shiva rituals are paused — no visitors, the mourners sit on regular chairs

[Mourners] sit lower to the ground to be closer, literally, to their loved one who is now buried in the ground.”
Rabbi Steven Kane, Congregation Sons of Israel

Who can attend shiva?

Shiva is open to anyone who wishes to pay their respects and offer condolences, and attendance is not limited to just Jewish individuals. Shiva serves as a space for collective mourning, reflecting the inclusive nature of this sacred tradition. Embracing the customs and etiquette associated with shiva can help visitors navigate this emotional time while offering solace to those who have experienced a loss.

What to expect during a shiva call

When sitting shiva, visitors should be prepared to encounter several customs and symbols that carry a profound meaning to those in mourning.

Washing of hands

When returning from the cemetery and arriving at the shiva house, all visitors are expected to wash their hands before entering. This act symbolizes washing away the difficult responsibility of burying a loved one and transitioning to the mourning stage.

Memorial candle

A special memorial candle, called a Yahrzeit candle, is lit upon returning from the cemetery. This burns for seven days and serves as a visible symbol of remembrance for the deceased. It is placed where visitors can see it when they come to offer their condolences.

Meal of consolation

After returning from the cemetery, mourners are often served a special meal known as the “meal of consolation.” This is often organized by close friends or the congregation, Rabbi Kane says, and marks a moment of nourishment and unity, “affirming the eventual return to daily life.”

Removing shoes

Mourners typically do not wear shoes during shiva. This practice symbolizes a separation from material needs, and also connects the mourners — both physically and symbolically — to their loved one who is buried in the ground.

Covering mirrors

Mirrors in the shiva house are often covered during this period, reflecting the notion that mourners need not concern themselves with their physical appearance. This practice symbolizes a focus on inner reflection and emotional healing.

Torn black ribbon or clothing

Mourners may wear torn clothing, though today most people simply attach a torn ribbon to their clothing, explains Rabbi Kane. This symbolic act shows that “they themselves are not whole.”

Sitting shiva etiquette

Visitor etiquette during shiva varies based on the mourners’ community and preferences, explains Rabbi Kane. In traditional or Orthodox settings, offering words of comfort or sharing memories of the deceased is customary. Food or drink is rarely served, although some shiva homes may provide cookies and beverages. In non-traditional settings, food may play a more prominent role, but the primary purpose of the visit is to comfort the mourner.

Here are some general tips to keep in mind when visiting.

Find the right time to visit. Check with friends or family to determine the appropriate time(s) to visit. Avoid visiting on Shabbat (Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown).
Dress appropriately. Some individuals choose to dress as if they were attending a synagogue service. Others dress informally, depending on their personal preferences and even their relationship with the mourners.
Wash your hands. A pitcher of water, a basin, and towels are typically placed near the front door of the shiva home.
Just walk in. The front door of the shiva home is usually left unlocked, eliminating the need for the mourners to answer the door and minimizing distractions.
Find the mourner. Allow the mourner to initiate conversation. Offer a hug, a kiss, a handshake, or an arm around the shoulder to provide comfort.
Talk to friends. Encountering acquaintances and friends when paying a shiva call is common. Feel free to engage in conversation with them as well. Despite the reason you’re there, many shiva calls may have a jovial atmosphere.
Consider the length of your visit. While the appropriate duration of a shiva call varies depending on your relationship with the family, it typically lasts about an hour. Staying too long can add undue strain on the mourners, so be mindful of the length of your visit.

What to bring to shiva

While bringing gifts to shiva is not necessary, Rabbi Kane explains that many people feel offering a gesture of sympathy is appropriate. Common gifts include small boxes of cookies or pastries. However, he says that in more traditional communities, prepared meals are often planned and coordinated through the synagogue, relieving visitors of any need to bring food.

On the list of things not to bring, Rabbi Kane urges against flowers or plants. He also cautions against large meals unless previously coordinated with the family.