Author: Rebecca Soffer

Co-founder of Modern Loss, Rebecca Soffer is the host of "Light After Loss,"1-800-Flowers.com's Facebook Live series on navigating the long arc of grief. She has been featured on CBS Sunday Morning and speaks nationally about grief and resilience. She is the coauthor of "The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience" and "Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome." She has also been widely published in The New York Times, Marie Claire, and other outlets.

The Loneliness Epidemic: How to Get More Social Connection

We are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. According to a report by the Making Caring Common project at Harvard University, 36% of Americans suffer from loneliness, 62% of those are between 18 and 25, and 51% of those are mothers with young children. The incidence of loneliness is also high among the elderly, who, during the course of Covid-19, have been especially isolated and starved for meaningful interaction.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer talked with Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a clinical psychologist and leading expert on anxiety and stress management, about the dangers of loneliness, the effect social media has on our feelings of isolation, and strategies for how we can feel more connected to others.

The Loneliness Epidemic: How to Get More Social Connection

The detrimental effects of loneliness

We have a tendency to minimize the importance of social connection, but research shows that a notable lack of it is linked to serious health problems, including obesity and high blood pressure. Many of us play down the loneliness we feel because we are ashamed of it — it can touch on “rejection sensitivity” or our self-esteem or sense of self-worth — so we convince ourselves that feeling lonely isn’t as big a deal as it actually is.

What to do when we feel lonely

The most important thing we can do when we feel lonely is acknowledge, without any shame, that we have a longing to be with people in a meaningful way. This is a positive and healthy step because it means that we are in touch with our emotional needs.

How social media can hurt and help with feelings of loneliness

loneliness with woman scrolling social media

When we aimlessly scroll through our social media feeds and see updates from people we don’t know who look to be leading full and happy lives, we get a misrepresentation of how things really are, and this can enhance our own feelings of isolation.

Instead, we should mindfully use social media for a set period of time, and in a more targeted fashion, to have a more connective experience. Seeking out posts in places like online support groups or forums that align with our interests, and typing messages and interacting with people in a meaningful manner, allow us to both provide help to others and receive the help we need.

5 simple ways to actively seek out connection

When we feel overly anxious, we can get tunnel vision and be unable to think in a broader way, like waiting until we’re starving to look for a healthy snack. So, don’t wait for a moment of extreme loneliness to take action; take advantage of your support network — it’s bigger than you think it is.

  1. During a calm moment, prepare a physical “call list” of people you’d like to catch up with. Don’t wait for the “perfect” moment to reach out; if you have a window of even 10 or 15 minutes, use that time to get in touch with one of them. If they miss your call, they’ll call you back. It’s all about sowing the seeds of connection.
  2. Do not be nervous to tell people you’re having a bad day. Studies show that asking people for small favors makes the requestee feel important and brings people closer together.
loneliness with flower arranging class
  1. Join online or IRL programs or groups that you have a personal interest in. These can be anything from a book club to a flower arranging class to an adult sports league. Doing this will get you involved in something you enjoy doing and surround you with those who have the same interests as you.
  2. Consider hosting a small event in your own home or at a local venue. Send an invitation to a few people clearly stating that one of your intentions is to meet more people, and ask them to each bring two or three friends. (This really works!)
  3. Get a massage. Research shows that massage therapy can reduce cortisol levels in the body by up as much as 30%. (Cortisol is the body’s main stress hormone.) Sometimes, just experiencing some simple, healing touch can reinvigorate that part of ourselves that needs to be around people.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How to Create Meaningful Holiday Rituals When Living with Loss

The Christmas season can be stressful no matter what, but for those of us living with loss, not having our person (or pet) around this time of year can loom extra large. One way to help you to stay connected to them is by creating a meaningful ritual.

Rituals don’t have to be religious — they just have to be meaningful to you. They can be ongoing or merely a one-time thing. Their power lies in granting you a small bit of control over an experience that allows you very little control: grief.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer talked with artist and ritualist Day Schildrekt, author of the book “Hello, Goodbye: 75 Rituals for Times of Loss, Celebration and Change.” Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Light After Loss: Healing Rituals For The Holidays

What are the integral components of ritual?

Ritual is always about an approach. It is something that you have to slow down to do while pausing anything else that’s going on in your day. It forces you to enter into a timeless place that requires your imagination and connection.

Rituals are typically positioned around thresholds, i.e., moments of change in our lives, such as weddings, graduations, career milestones, and times of birth and loss. They allow us to return to what’s important so that we don’t lose those past events in our memories. Holiday times are an important period for us to weave certain moments back into our memories in meaningful ways.

Ritual can and should be beautiful. With any one you create, imagine that you are crossing a threshold, and also adorning it, in the way that you might hang a beautiful holiday wreath on your door. Ask yourself: What is someone or something I want to weave into this moment? What is one memory that I want to remember while I do this?

How can ritual help us to recover from times of loss?

Loss is a part of life, and grief is a way of loving life well, as Schildrekt puts it. It’s not an affliction or something we have to “get over.” Our grief is how we can connect back to those we have lost. But we live very busy lives, and we can easily become overwhelmed by the fast pace of our work and day-to-day responsibilities. If we don’t mindfully create mechanisms to help us to remember, we can feel like we are losing our loved ones, and the memories of them, all over again. The rituals are what help us to remember that we have to remember.

creating rituals with toasting

How can we create simple, accessible rituals during the holiday season?

Anything done with intention and meaning can have a powerful effect. This can be as simple as leaving a glass of wine on the holiday table for your person because you wish they were there and feel the imprint of their loss. The ritual involved can be as simple as raising a glass and sharing a memory that you want to weave back into the holiday event. You might also consider making a wreath or bouquet of flowers while doing the same mental exercise.

Rituals have to be done physically. We perform them through our hands, feet, mouth, stomachs. They involve us breaking or tearing things, or submerging, burying, or igniting something. In doing so, we keep our bodies busy, and that can be healing to us when we are grieving and feel like we have nothing to do but wallow in our feelings.

creating rituals with zoom call with candles

How can we create a ritual with people who are spread out geographically?

Consider making a Zoom tree. Invite meaningful people onto a Zoom call and ask for them to join with a candle or tealight. Start the ritual by sharing a memory of your person and lighting your candle, and then ask someone else to share one of theirs and light their candle, and so on and so forth. By doing this, you get to, quite literally, illuminate your memories and remember together as a group.

As we approach a new year, how can we create rituals for new beginnings?

New Year’s Eve is another one of those threshold moments, an occasion when it’s important to look back as well as look forward. Raising a glass and creating a ritual around toasting is an easy way to do this. Build it into four rounds: Starting at 11 p.m., ask yourself a different question every 15 minutes about the past year — “What is something or someone I’m leaving behind this year?” “What is a feeling I would like to have less of?” “What will I miss the most?” — and take a sip from your glass after each one. Then, after midnight, do another four rounds every 15 minutes and ask yourself what you would like to experience, accomplish, or work on in the new year, again taking a sip after each round.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Grief During the Holidays: How to Remember a Loved One Through Meaningful Conversations

Dealing with loss is difficult any time of year, but it can be especially rough during the holiday season, when the absence of your person can seem even more pronounced. And when we feel that absence so sharply, we need to find ways to talk about that individual to keep their memories present — even, and especially, amid the holiday revelry.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Steve Leder, the senior rabbi at Wilshire Boulevard Temple in Los Angeles and author of the books “For You When I’m Gone” and “The Beauty of What Remains.” Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Light After Loss: Remembering Loved Ones through Meaningful Conversations

Our family holiday event is approaching, but nobody is talking about the person we lost. What should I do?

If you’re worried that your loved one is being forgotten, then it may very well be up to you to start the conversation. And make sure, too, that you plan how you’re going to bring the person up: Talking out loud about someone who died does not usually happen by accident, and that’s especially true during festive times.

What people regret most are typically not the things they’ve done but the things they haven’t done. Figuring out ways to deliberately address our grief during the holidays can help us structure the chaos of feelings and the pain of loss so that they don’t silently fester and go unacknowledged. And putting thought into the process can help everyone prepare both emotionally and psychologically for the moment.

Here are some ideas for how to talk with family and friends around the holidays about someone who is no longer with you.

  • “Mom, how about we have Dad’s favorite dessert for Thanksgiving this year?”
  • “Hey everyone, at dinner later tonight, let’s all take a moment and go around the table and share a favorite holiday memory of our person/their funniest joke/their best advice. Anyone who wants to take a pass can do so.”
  • “When we open presents later tonight, can we take a moment to share the best gift we ever gave our person/they gave to us?”

How can I let others know that I need extra support during the holidays?

grief during the holidays with woman grieving

It’s hard to reach out for help when what we really want is for people to intuitively know we need it. But if you do, you will likely be comforted by the responses you receive in the form of memories that you might not ordinarily have had access to. That said, try your best to only be around people who make you feel supported and comfortable.

Consider saying to someone (or a group, via email): “This is a really painful time of year, and I miss my person. I know the holidays are busy for everyone, but would you mind sharing a story or two about them with me?”

Then, you can provide the prompt. For example:

  • “When did you see my person at their happiest?”
  • “What was the most embarrassing thing they ever did?”
  • “What brought my person joy?”
  • “What do you think my person would say to us now?”

Go on a mental vacation with friends and family

Only human beings can live in two dimensions of time at the same moment. We can remember the past and bring it into the present, and by extension carry it into the future. The holidays, when we tend to gather with loved ones — all of whom may be experiencing their own versions of grief over your person — are a perfect time to remember together, and even find joy and humor over slightly diverging memories. Consider inviting people to go on a mental vacation with you, and, ideally, letting them know in advance that you’d like to do this activity.

Here are three ideas for what to say.

  • “What was the greatest vacation you ever took with your person?”
  • “Did they ever talk to you about their romance? Where was their first kiss?”
  • “Do you remember when they graduated/got married/what they were like as a new parent? Tell us about that.”
grief during the holidays with family sitting around table talking

If you really don’t want around others, avoid unnecessary social interaction

Memory is beautiful, but it can also really hurt. Year One in grief is not the best time to attend massive parties and celebrations. Unsurprisingly, doing that may only exacerbate the pain. If you need some time to yourself during the holidays, take it without apology. This is where saying no is actually saying yes to something that nourishes you emotionally. Saying no to being at a party with happy people gorging on food and drink can also mean saying yes to a long walk with your closest friend, or sitting on a blanket and a cup of tea, or volunteering to help those less fortunate than you.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

The Power of Human Connection

The Importance of Connection

Our capacity for resilience can sometimes be seen through the lens of what we have already been through. In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer talked with actor, author, and Grammy-nominated artist Alexandra Silber. The two touched on grief, loss, and how Silber’s own personal losses folded into her ability to keep her head above water throughout the COVID-19 pandemic — a time when her ability to do her job as a performer in person came to a grinding halt.

Here are four key takeaways from Silber’s experience of when her life went suddenly sideways.

1. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Silber’s father died when she was a teenager. The pain was excruciating, but eventually she realized that to have gone through that tragic event and not let it destroy her or cause her to spiritually collapse on herself was a superpower that she reminds herself about when things get very hard. That experience, too, has helped her through major heartbreaks, the disappointments that come with being an adult, and especially being a performer in a ruthless industry. She knows she can endure those hardships because she knows she has been able to bear something much greater.

human connection with woman getting manicure

2. Ritual is important in times of loss

Ritual doesn’t have to be a religious act. For some of us, it means doing a certain physical or artistic endeavor. For others, it’s a simple act of self-care, such as a weekly manicure. For Silber, theater has many of the sanctities of traditional ritual: the repetition of words, the intentions, the bearing of witness, and, ultimately, catharsis. To have that taken from her as an individual was one kind of loss, but to have the communal feeling of performing for an audience ripped away was very profound, and she had to find other ways to create that human connection.

3. Grievers can help those dealing with new grief

When the COVID-19 lockdown hit, Silber — a grief veteran — found that she was able to revert back to bearing a level of anxiety and dread on a daily basis that resembled her early days of loss. And, at the same time, she could hold space for people in her life who, for the first time, were encountering the feelings of not knowing how they would get through the day.

4. Compassion fatigue is real

human connection with compassion fatigue

Some people are veterans of world-ending emotions. For Silber, though, realizing that the world was experiencing such a sudden life shift all at once when the pandemic hit was enormously overwhelming. In disasters, there are the “over-functioners” and the “under-functioners;” Silber is an “over-functioner.” But doing and action are not the same as being present with feelings.

While she was able to support others for a few months in the spring of 2020, Silber experienced the hard feelings later, at a time when she had exhausted the capacity to hold space for other people because she wasn’t holding it for herself. Once she hit that wall, she knew she had to actively draw boundaries and focus on self-care.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Facing the ‘Silent Sorrow’: How to Cope With Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Light After Loss: Navigating the Grief from Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, established in 1988, is observed every October as a way to recognize the unique grief of bereaved partners and families, and to demonstrate support for these people who have suffered such a tragic loss.

People experiencing pregnancy and infant loss are in an extremely new normal and state of being. And even though these losses are far from uncommon, they are still known as the “silent sorrow.” With regard to parenthood, in our culture we prefer to talk about happy things, and why wouldn’t we? But the reality is that parenthood sometimes includes profound grief, and the more we avoid openly acknowledging that, the more we push parents who are suffering back into the shadows.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Erica McAfee, the founder of Sisters in Loss, a maternal child health education company where Black women share their stories about pregnancy and infant loss, and infertility.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Pregnancy and infant loss is more widespread than you think

We tend to use words like “unimaginable” when it comes to pregnancy and infant loss, but in reality they happen every day. If you look around a crowded room, you’ll probably see at least one person who has experienced it in some way.

The facts are:

  • Fifteen to 20% of pregnancies end in a first trimester loss (up until 14 weeks).
  • In the U.S., the rate of stillbirth (considered any time after 20 weeks of gestation) is one in 160 to 200 pregnancies.
  • Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) affects between 5,000 and 7,000 infants every year.
  • Approximately 11,300 infants die within 24 hours of their birth each year.
infant loss with grieving mom in nursery

These types of losses affect our entire being

What people may not think about when they hear the words “stillbirth,” “miscarriage,” or “infant loss” is that the birthing person has an enormous burden of grief on them in every possible way.

They might be lactating without a baby to feed, or have pregnancy weight, or be dealing with another physical ailment stemming from pregnancy and labor, plus the grief they are feeling. This is an enormously difficult collision of realities, not just for the birthing person but everyone around them. It’s important to give someone in this situation extra compassion — and if you’re that person, you need to give yourself that compassion.

There is a disparity in care

Black women are four to five times more likely to die from pregnancy-related causes. Nearly 800 women a year die from pregnancy-related causes up to one year post-partum. Many women of color are dismissed when they speak up with their concerns, and the consequences can be deadly. It’s integral to listen to the voices of all kinds of birthing people.

Avoid platitudes when trying to offer meaningful help

We must get more comfortable holding space to present these losses in ways that help people feel less alone. One way to avoid drawing a line between you and a grieving parent is to avoid saying things like:

  • “You can always get pregnant again.”
  • “At least you have another healthy child.”
  • “You’re still young — you have time.”
  • “At least you weren’t ‘that’ pregnant.”

Comments like these dismiss the actual baby, ignore the shattering experience of pregnancy coupled with loss, and overtly ignore the fact that the grieving person is actually a parent. They can be very dismantling and are likely to result in defenses going up and you being regarded as someone who doesn’t really see another’s experience.

4 ways to provide support

infant loss with woman consoling friend
  1. Ask the parent to share their baby’s name, or what they were thinking of naming the child.
  2. Acknowledge that they are actually parents, regardless of whether they have a living child. They are parents; they are just parenting differently. This is especially important on days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
  3. Make a point to acknowledge that they’re grieving, no matter what point they are at. Give them grace as they go through their process and do not expect that they will ever be the “old them.” Grieving looks different for everyone.
  4. Remember with them. Bereaved parents often feel utterly alone in their grief. Try to change that experience for them by using their child’s name and saying, “I want you to know I remember…” with any memories of their baby.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss at the Office

With as many as 20% of pregnancies ending in miscarriage and one in 160 ending in stillbirth, it is likely you or someone you know has dealt with this emotional and stressful event. In addition to personal pain, pregnancy loss often leads to uncertainty on the job.

The Miscarriage Association surveyed 600 people who experienced a pregnancy loss and found that most encountered confusion in the office. Nearly 50% of the respondents were unaware of their rights, and many managers weren’t aware of their responsibilities.

Here is advice from the Miscarriage Association for dealing with pregnancy loss in the workplace:

  • Encourage a supportive environment and culture in which workers feel comfortable talking to their managers.
  • When approached, take the lead from the employee. Ask them what they need, and listen.
  • Stay in touch with the employee, but do not pressure a return to the office.
  • Ask what they can do to support a return to the workplace and implement any reasonable adjustments.
  • Ask the employee what, if anything, to share with coworkers. Share the information only if they want it to be communicated.
  • Make allowances for ongoing medical appointments.

4 Ways to Create Meaningful Rituals Through Memory

In the moment, celebrating the life of a person we’ve lost can be difficult. The emotions we feel in the aftermath of a loved one’s passing are hard enough to deal with without having to try to do something constructive with those feelings.

But celebrating a life by designing intentional and creative rituals can feel surprisingly meaningful. You can incorporate these memorial ideas into yearly traditions on the anniversary of your loved one’s death, adding even greater and deeper significance to your observances.

We recently hosted a “Light After Loss” IG Live episode on this topic, with Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer and Karen Bussen, the founder of the end-of-life and funeral-planning service Farewelling. Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

memorial ideas with table setup for Dia de los Muertos

1. Create an altar

We are big fans of the Mexican holiday Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead. People set up an ofrenda — a table filled with pictures and objects that tell the stories of the deceased’s ancestors — among other memorial ideas. Think about setting up one of your own, either in your home or a more ephemeral space in nature that you walk or run to regularly. Don’t stress about it; this can be as simple as a few objects in a pretty box that you take out of your closet whenever you need it.

2. Do something your loved one wanted to do but never had a chance to experience

Whether it’s traveling, learning something, or having an adventure, treat it as a pilgrimage and a way to bring you closer to the person they were. And if it’s something you wouldn’t normally choose, remind yourself that the person who has left you would want you to experience new things even after they’re gone.

memorial ideas with woman holding photo of husband

3. Host a ‘memory potluck’

This gathering can be with or without actual recipes. It’s a terrific way to prompt storytelling, and inject some levity and joy into what is always a bittersweet experience: missing the person who is no longer with you. Make it an event centered on remembering one person or invite family and friends together to honor someone they are missing. You can even make this a monthly tradition with changing themes of anecdotes people should share: humor, adventure, romance, advice, etc.

4. Combine self-care and memory for a powerful ritual

Don’t pressure yourself to find the “perfect” thing; it just has to feel like you’re doing something that allows you to connect with your loved one. This doesn’t have to be something huge. For example, you can apply a luxurious hand and foot cream and light a candle, allowing yourself to relax as you let yourself remember. If there was a type of cuisine they particularly liked, cook a delicious meal in their memory. Or, watch one of their favorite movies. (Better yet: Create a watch party to chat with others watching the same thing so you can remember them together.)

Keep in mind that memorial ideas may need to evolve or change as you move through your experience with grief and loss. Give yourself permission to do that whenever you need to.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversations about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Trust us to help you express your condolences, giving comfort, and support. We offer funeral flowers for the service, handcrafted by our caring florists, and sympathy and remembrance gifts for the home.

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How to Help a Grieving Friend and Navigate Friendships in Times of Loss

Light After Loss: Grief and Social Dynamics

When we are grieving, our friendships can be deeply affected. Sometimes the people we assumed would be there for us no matter the situation are inexplicably absent, or very uncomfortable around us, or saying hurtful things. It’s one of those secondary losses that we just don’t talk about enough, and it can make the experience of grief even more painful.

Loss is an individual experience, but it doesn’t have to be such an isolating one. There are many ways to pull each other in during tough times. In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and her “grief friend,” New York Times bestselling author Emily Rapp Black, had an honest conversation about ways our grieving selves can seek out meaningful connection and support the ones in our lives going through loss, as well as some tried-and-true things that don’t ever seem to work (take notes!).

Be open to making ‘grief friends’

It’s hard enough to make friends as an adult, and in grief, we can feel even more alone. But friends made in grief can be some of our closest connections. There’s an emotional shorthand that allows people across all backgrounds to find common ground when they connect over universal experiences, such as end-of-life and loss. When we meet someone else who “gets it,” the potential for an immediate and strong friendship is evident. Try to remain open to the possibility, even with people you might not have thought you could otherwise connect with.

How to help a grieving friend with woman riding bike with friends

Seek comfort in a social setting

You don’t have to automatically seek out a therapy group to find support. Sometimes, if you enter a group that aligns with your interests and where you don’t feel pressure to automatically share your story, you make friends organically and eventually incorporate your loss experiences into your relationships.

Think about what you like doing. If you enjoy outdoor activity, join a hiking, running, or cycling group. If you’re religious, find a group that aligns with your beliefs. If you find calm doing artistic projects, seek out those in a group setting.

Draw boundaries, if necessary

Is someone in your life questioning aspects of your grief? Are they telling you to “get over it” or that you seem too sad after a while, or assuring you that it can’t be as bad as you say it is? Consider creating some distance from those people. (It doesn’t have to be permanent, but even a temporary break when you’re feeling raw can do wonders.) Grief is hard enough without having people in our life who offer denial or toxic positivity.

Remember that you’re in control

You don’t have to give all the details, all the time. The truth is, not everyone is going to want to engage with your stories. But as you become more familiar with living with your own loss, you will learn to trust your gut.

How to help a grieving friend

Remember this one simple sentence: Show up, follow up, and follow through.

It’s hard to sit with someone who is experiencing deep grief; we have a tendency to project or make it about ourselves, and that’s normal. That doesn’t feel good to the griever, though. Friendship isn’t about fixing or changing a hard situation — it’s about just witnessing it and holding space for whatever is happening.

Four tips for helping a grieving friend

How to help a grieving friend with friend supporting grieving friend
  • Avoid saying things like “I can’t imagine” or “I would die if I were you.” (Yes, people say these things!) It may feel like you’re expressing empathy, but, in fact, you’re just creating distance between you and the griever.
  • Focus more on expressing the sentiment of “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I am here for you,” and then actually be there if and when you’re asked to be.
  • Consider what specifically you can offer them. Are you a neighbor and know their lawn needs to be mowed? A friend who can watch their kids for a few hours to offer them a brief respite? Are you someone who is neat and organized, or a good cook? Offer to clean up their place or bring them a meal.
  • If you’re close to the griever, check in on them daily. This can be as simple as a text asking “How are you today?” anchoring the question within a moment in time. And feel free to tell them that you’re going to be in touch with them every day without any expectation of a response. Just knowing you are there for them goes a long way.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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Mourning a Public Figure: Why It’s Valid

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss. 

Do you ever feel taken by surprise when you find yourself deeply affected by a public figure’s death? You’re not alone at all. Grieving over someone you do not personally know is very normal and deserves respect and validation.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and Alysha Lacey, program director for Dougy Center: the National Grief Center for Children and Families, talked about how public figures are connected to our own lives and the ways we can support both ourselves and young people affected by their deaths.

Light After Loss - Mourning a Public Figure: Why It's Valid

Here are some key takeaways from their chat:

The loss of a public figure is real grief. The death can be impactful because it connects us to our own mortality and can trigger feelings surrounding the other losses we’ve had in our lives. Perhaps when we think of that person and what they’ve created or achieved, we remember a time in our lives that feels so far away from us now. Maybe we remember watching the famous player score that goal with a loved one who has died, listening to a favorite song by the musician with them, or watching the actor in a certain show together. When the public figure connected to those memories dies, it can hit us hard and make us feel as though we are losing another part of our loved one again.

Turn to someone for support

Find a friend who is open to hearing what you’re feeling and why it’s hard. Even if they don’t have the right thing to say or feel the same connection with that person, all you need to know is that they are willing to listen and won’t make you feel silly for feeling the emotions.

Think about how you can support a young person mourning a public figure

If a child or young adult in your life is greatly affected by the death of someone they looked up to, it’s vital that you try to help them process their feelings about their loss. You don’t have to personally have the same fanaticism about that person; you just need to honor whatever feelings are coming up surrounding their death and be clear that you are there if they want to share what the person meant to them. For younger kids, it’s important to ask what they know about the death and try to explain any necessary details they want to know in age-appropriate ways. By doing so, you will make it clear that they can comfortably and safely come to you with questions in the future.

Consider getting off social media

It can be reassuring to feel you’re in the digital presence of fellow mourners, but sometimes it can feel overwhelming and interfere with your day-to-day life. If tracking developments online is starting to impede work or family responsibilities, consider limiting your exposure. And certainly do not allow yourself to watch any upsetting videos dealing with your person, including reactions from fans and media that might further trigger you.

Going to see a therapist to get professional help when mourning a celebrity

Know when to get professional help

If you’re feeling triggered in a way that means you need additional support — for example, if the person who died was accused or convicted of something you experienced personally, or if they promoted a belief or lifestyle that goes directly against your own — please reach out to a mental health professional who is trained to guide you through the process.

There are ways to continue the relationship moving forward

It may sound strange, but remind yourself that your connection to a person you have never met can only continue. Think about ways you can keep the best of them present in your life and share them with the people around you. Introduce your kids to their music through a dance party, watch one of their movies with your partner, or get reacquainted with a book they wrote. Chances are good that there’s a wealth of additional footage or content connected to the person that you have yet to experience.

This article was written by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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How to Cultivate Self-Compassion

When you’re grieving, every day feels like National Grief Awareness Day. But did you know the United States actually has such a designated day? It’s on Aug. 30 and was established in 2014 by Angie Cartwright, who had experienced enormous grief stemming from the loss of her baby sister, newlywed husband, and mother. The day’s mission is to encourage open and honest communication about the various ways in which we cope with loss and bereavement, and to remind us all to support those we know who are grieving.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with mindfulness coach Annie Pearson about the importance of self-awareness and self-compassion in grief, along with some easy-to-do grounding exercises.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Why is it important to create an ongoing sense of awareness about our grief?

Once we are aware of how we are feeling — and it’s important to check in with yourself on a regular basis — we can start to give ourselves what we need to move through a difficult moment in the best way possible. If we ignore these feelings or what our body is telling us, this feeling won’t go away by just pretending it’s not there. Some of this has to do with allowing ourselves to be uncomfortable, but difficult things will seem more manageable once we name them out loud. (A tip from Pearson: The phrase “Name it to tame it” works for her!)

How do we deal with ‘future worry’?

It’s natural to spend time ruminating about what happened in the past or what might happen in the future, but it’s a lot more helpful to focus on what’s happening now. Mindfulness exercises are meant to help you ground yourself and be present in the moment. And the best part: They’re easy to learn and use anywhere.

3 exercises to help anchor ourselves in the moment

1. Belly breath (also called the “three-part breath”)

This exercise helps us expand our lungs and take in more breath.

Breathe in through your chest, rib cage, and belly. Pause, then breathe out through your belly, rib gate, and chest.

2. Focus on the sounds

Photo of a woman meditating

This exercise is a great step for beginners who are nervous about trying meditation.

Instead of trying to meditate by ignoring the sounds around you, change your focus so that you start to really listen to those sounds. Begin with the sound that is farthest away and name it without judgment (a dog barking, street traffic, etc.). Continue listening to the sounds closer to you, naming and labeling them without judgment, until you get to the sounds of your own breath and heartbeat. Listen to and name everything. Then, open your eyes, listen again, and see what you notice.

3. Finger touch meditation

Repeat a chant or affirmation as you touch each finger to the thumb on its same hand (index finger touches thumb, middle finger touches thumb, etc.). For example, you can use “I am peaceful” or “I am OK.”

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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