Category: Sympathy

Sending Words of Encouragement Is Easier Than You Think

Sometimes, it’s really hard to know how best to support and comfort someone who has experienced a loss, endured heartache, or is going through a hard time. We don’t want to make the situation worse or upset that person further. The nagging fear that we might say the wrong thing often leads us to do nothing. However, according to Brooke James, creator of the podcast The Grief Coach, even the smallest gesture can have profound benefits for someone in need.

Finding the right words

James, a grief educator, saw her own friends struggle with how to be there for her when she lost her father to cancer in 2019. That experience led her to look for better ways to show support.

Today, she consults for national brands, helping them create more empathetic and supportive work environments. Her advice is to always err on the side of showing as much support as you can. “The person who is going through something already feels isolated, so when people leave them alone, thinking that’s best for them, it’s actually the worst feeling.”

words of encouragement Empathy reversed

If you’re not sure what to say, the best thing to do is ask, James says. “Rather than an overly emotional ‘I’m so sorry’ or ‘How are you?’ which are well-intentioned but don’t really help the receiver feel any better, there are words that can be more comforting. Saying something like ‘I don’t know what to say. I know nothing I say will change this, but I’m here for you,’ that’s perfect.”

People need encouragement for a lot of reasons, both big and small. For James, helping people be heard is an essential part of the healing process. “Right after my dad died, friends would start complaining about something in their life, and then they’d feel apologetic, like, ‘I’m sorry, this is nothing compared to what you’re going through.’ You can still be having a hard time with something even though your dad didn’t die.”

During a time like the COVID-19 pandemic, when many people were grieving things they lost or missed out on, validation is particularly relevant, James says. “Sharing in these types of conversations gives someone who’s struggling permission to be vulnerable. It’s through that process that they can move on to healing.”

When words aren’t enough

After offering words of encouragement, James advises taking action to show how much you care. This can have an exponentially greater impact, becoming a memory that comforts for years to come.

Here are six easy ways to show you care.

1. Focus on specifics

“Rather than say ‘Let me know if I can do anything to help,’ make concrete suggestions that you think the person could use.” Offering to do any number of helpful chores —laundry, house cleaning, babysitting — is a way to lighten their load, James says.

2. Set a weekly walk date

Getting outside and enjoying the fresh air with someone else — even for as little as 15 minutes — can become an immeasurable source of hope and comfort, James says.

3. Remind someone how special they are

words of encouragement with friend giving Flowers

Imagine how good a loved one will feel when they receive a delivery of flowers, food, or a beautiful keepsake (or a combination of two of them!). A heartfelt gift is a great way of letting someone know they’re in your thoughts.

4. Continue the support long term

People can be overwhelmed with support during a difficult period, James says, but their phones have a tendency to go silent a few weeks later. It’s at those times when sending a thoughtful reminder, such as a “Sending Hugs” sweets gift box or Smiling Blooms bouquet, can mean the most.

5. Offer a distraction

Although your loved one might not take you up on it, offering to take their mind off what they’re going through rather than having a serious heart-to-heart conversation can be a refreshing change, James says. “Sometimes you just want to talk about the normal things that you and your friends used to talk about.”

6. Be mindful of milestones

James says the lead-up to anniversaries of difficult times can be especially challenging. “You could send something and say, ‘I know this is a hard week coming up, so I thought you might want some pretty flowers to look at.”

Honest communication and thoughtful actions can take the guesswork out of helping someone through a hard time. When a loved one is in need of encouragement, the best advice is always, when in doubt, do something.

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19 quotes for encouragement

Did you know positive words of encouragement can actually have a positive effect on how the brain works? Research shows thoughtful phrases build resilience and motivation.

If you’re looking for the right words to send to someone in need of encouragement but are coming up empty, try using a famous quote that feels right for the situation. Here are a few to help you get started.

Learn from adversity

  1. “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that’s why I succeed.” — Michael Jordan
  2. “It’s not about how hard you can hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” — Rocky Balboa, Rocky
  3. “Everything negative — pressure, challenges — is all an opportunity for me to rise.” — Kobe Bryant
  4. “If I got rid of my demons, I’d lose my angels.” — Tennessee Williams
  5. “Your past does not equal your future.” — Tony Robbins

Keep moving forward

  1. “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” — Albert Einstein
  2. “Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what’s going to happen next, and you are mostly just making things up as you go along. And like improv, you cannot win your life. Even when it might look like you’re winning.” — Stephen Colbert

Look at the positive

  1. “If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey
  2. “There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there’s life, there is hope.” — Stephen Hawking, The Theory of Everything
  3. “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” — Helen Keller

Remain hopeful

  1. “The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” — Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings
  2. “But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light.” — Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
  3. “The night is always darkest just before dawn, but I assure you, the dawn is coming.” — Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight

Be fearless

  1. “Don’t be afraid of fear. Because it sharpens you, it challenges you, it makes you stronger; and when you run away from fear, you also run away from the opportunity to be your best possible self.” — Ed Helms
  2. “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” — Nelson Mandela

Live life on your own terms

  1. “You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours.” — White Queen, Alice in Wonderland
  2. “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” — George Bernard Shaw
  3. “Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.” — Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones
  4. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” — Dr. Seuss

The Power of Human Connection

The Importance of Connection

Our capacity for resilience can sometimes be seen through the lens of what we have already been through. In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer talked with actor, author, and Grammy-nominated artist Alexandra Silber. The two touched on grief, loss, and how Silber’s own personal losses folded into her ability to keep her head above water throughout the COVID-19 pandemic — a time when her ability to do her job as a performer in person came to a grinding halt.

Here are four key takeaways from Silber’s experience of when her life went suddenly sideways.

1. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Silber’s father died when she was a teenager. The pain was excruciating, but eventually she realized that to have gone through that tragic event and not let it destroy her or cause her to spiritually collapse on herself was a superpower that she reminds herself about when things get very hard. That experience, too, has helped her through major heartbreaks, the disappointments that come with being an adult, and especially being a performer in a ruthless industry. She knows she can endure those hardships because she knows she has been able to bear something much greater.

human connection with woman getting manicure

2. Ritual is important in times of loss

Ritual doesn’t have to be a religious act. For some of us, it means doing a certain physical or artistic endeavor. For others, it’s a simple act of self-care, such as a weekly manicure. For Silber, theater has many of the sanctities of traditional ritual: the repetition of words, the intentions, the bearing of witness, and, ultimately, catharsis. To have that taken from her as an individual was one kind of loss, but to have the communal feeling of performing for an audience ripped away was very profound, and she had to find other ways to create that human connection.

3. Grievers can help those dealing with new grief

When the COVID-19 lockdown hit, Silber — a grief veteran — found that she was able to revert back to bearing a level of anxiety and dread on a daily basis that resembled her early days of loss. And, at the same time, she could hold space for people in her life who, for the first time, were encountering the feelings of not knowing how they would get through the day.

4. Compassion fatigue is real

human connection with compassion fatigue

Some people are veterans of world-ending emotions. For Silber, though, realizing that the world was experiencing such a sudden life shift all at once when the pandemic hit was enormously overwhelming. In disasters, there are the “over-functioners” and the “under-functioners;” Silber is an “over-functioner.” But doing and action are not the same as being present with feelings.

While she was able to support others for a few months in the spring of 2020, Silber experienced the hard feelings later, at a time when she had exhausted the capacity to hold space for other people because she wasn’t holding it for herself. Once she hit that wall, she knew she had to actively draw boundaries and focus on self-care.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Facing the ‘Silent Sorrow’: How to Cope With Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Light After Loss: Navigating the Grief from Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, established in 1988, is observed every October as a way to recognize the unique grief of bereaved partners and families, and to demonstrate support for these people who have suffered such a tragic loss.

People experiencing pregnancy and infant loss are in an extremely new normal and state of being. And even though these losses are far from uncommon, they are still known as the “silent sorrow.” With regard to parenthood, in our culture we prefer to talk about happy things, and why wouldn’t we? But the reality is that parenthood sometimes includes profound grief, and the more we avoid openly acknowledging that, the more we push parents who are suffering back into the shadows.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Erica McAfee, the founder of Sisters in Loss, a maternal child health education company where Black women share their stories about pregnancy and infant loss, and infertility.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Pregnancy and infant loss is more widespread than you think

We tend to use words like “unimaginable” when it comes to pregnancy and infant loss, but in reality they happen every day. If you look around a crowded room, you’ll probably see at least one person who has experienced it in some way.

The facts are:

  • Fifteen to 20% of pregnancies end in a first trimester loss (up until 14 weeks).
  • In the U.S., the rate of stillbirth (considered any time after 20 weeks of gestation) is one in 160 to 200 pregnancies.
  • Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) affects between 5,000 and 7,000 infants every year.
  • Approximately 11,300 infants die within 24 hours of their birth each year.
infant loss with grieving mom in nursery

These types of losses affect our entire being

What people may not think about when they hear the words “stillbirth,” “miscarriage,” or “infant loss” is that the birthing person has an enormous burden of grief on them in every possible way.

They might be lactating without a baby to feed, or have pregnancy weight, or be dealing with another physical ailment stemming from pregnancy and labor, plus the grief they are feeling. This is an enormously difficult collision of realities, not just for the birthing person but everyone around them. It’s important to give someone in this situation extra compassion — and if you’re that person, you need to give yourself that compassion.

There is a disparity in care

Black women are four to five times more likely to die from pregnancy-related causes. Nearly 800 women a year die from pregnancy-related causes up to one year post-partum. Many women of color are dismissed when they speak up with their concerns, and the consequences can be deadly. It’s integral to listen to the voices of all kinds of birthing people.

Avoid platitudes when trying to offer meaningful help

We must get more comfortable holding space to present these losses in ways that help people feel less alone. One way to avoid drawing a line between you and a grieving parent is to avoid saying things like:

  • “You can always get pregnant again.”
  • “At least you have another healthy child.”
  • “You’re still young — you have time.”
  • “At least you weren’t ‘that’ pregnant.”

Comments like these dismiss the actual baby, ignore the shattering experience of pregnancy coupled with loss, and overtly ignore the fact that the grieving person is actually a parent. They can be very dismantling and are likely to result in defenses going up and you being regarded as someone who doesn’t really see another’s experience.

4 ways to provide support

infant loss with woman consoling friend
  1. Ask the parent to share their baby’s name, or what they were thinking of naming the child.
  2. Acknowledge that they are actually parents, regardless of whether they have a living child. They are parents; they are just parenting differently. This is especially important on days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
  3. Make a point to acknowledge that they’re grieving, no matter what point they are at. Give them grace as they go through their process and do not expect that they will ever be the “old them.” Grieving looks different for everyone.
  4. Remember with them. Bereaved parents often feel utterly alone in their grief. Try to change that experience for them by using their child’s name and saying, “I want you to know I remember…” with any memories of their baby.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss at the Office

With as many as 20% of pregnancies ending in miscarriage and one in 160 ending in stillbirth, it is likely you or someone you know has dealt with this emotional and stressful event. In addition to personal pain, pregnancy loss often leads to uncertainty on the job.

The Miscarriage Association surveyed 600 people who experienced a pregnancy loss and found that most encountered confusion in the office. Nearly 50% of the respondents were unaware of their rights, and many managers weren’t aware of their responsibilities.

Here is advice from the Miscarriage Association for dealing with pregnancy loss in the workplace:

  • Encourage a supportive environment and culture in which workers feel comfortable talking to their managers.
  • When approached, take the lead from the employee. Ask them what they need, and listen.
  • Stay in touch with the employee, but do not pressure a return to the office.
  • Ask what they can do to support a return to the workplace and implement any reasonable adjustments.
  • Ask the employee what, if anything, to share with coworkers. Share the information only if they want it to be communicated.
  • Make allowances for ongoing medical appointments.

25 Best Funeral Songs

funeral songs with woman playing piano at funeral

Music is an essential part of any funeral service. “It has a way of going deeper emotionally and spiritually,” explains Daniel Symonds, a funeral director at Symonds-Madison Funeral Home in Elgin, Illinois. The right songs can honor and celebrate the life of the deceased, and create a sense of comfort and connection for the grieving.

While hymns and instrumental pieces once were the standards for funeral music, more modern songs have gained popularity in recent years.

“Different generations bring different styles of music, and in this changing religious and spiritual landscape, more secular music is making its way into the funeral service,” Symonds says.

The type of service also shapes music choices. A funeral service may lean on more traditional music, while a celebration of life may share favorite songs of the departed.

“Music is also a great transition between the different sections of a funeral service, preparing hearts for the words being spoken,” Symonds notes.

If you’re struggling to decide what song to play at a funeral, remember: There is no “wrong” choice, Symonds says. Think about what your loved one enjoyed most and select music that best memorializes and celebrates his or her life. Also, don’t forget to carefully read the lyrics to ensure they fit the mood of the ceremony.

Best funeral songs

This selection of 25 funeral songs that covers various epochs, genres, and sentiments will help you plan the perfect send-off for your loved one.

1. “Time to Say Goodbye” by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman (Lyrics)

Andrea Bocelli, Sarah Brightman - Time To Say Goodbye (HD)

A powerful and soaring duet, “Time to Say Goodbye” is a classic exit song and a good choice to honor a deceased partner.

2. “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban (Lyrics)

Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up (Official Music Video) [HD Remaster]

Remembering a loved one for the help, support, and encouragement they gave is always a wonderful way to honor them, and this song does just that.

3. “Candle in the Wind” by Elton John (Lyrics)

Candle In The Wind (Live At Sydney Entertainment Centre, Sydney, Australia / 1986)

Written by John and legendary songwriter Bernie Taupin, “Candle in the Wind” mourns the passing of someone while they were in the prime of their life.

4. “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler (Lyrics)

Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings (Official Music Video)

Midler pays tribute to the deceased as someone who has empowered others to “fly higher than an eagle.” A song that is similar in sentiment to “You Raise Me Up.”

5. “Dance with My Father” by Luther Vandross (Lyrics)

Luther Vandross - Dance With My Father

Vandross wrote this song, along with Richard Marx, based on his own childhood. Ideal for honoring a father, grandfather, or father figure, it speaks to fond memories and a longing to relive those moments again.

6. “You Can Close Your Eyes” by James Taylor (Lyrics)

You Can Close Your Eyes (HD) - James Taylor & Carly Simon

Often described as a lullaby, “You Can Close Your Eyes” is soft, peaceful, and quietly uplifting. While it may not meet the true definition of a “funeral song,” it’s been widely used as one since its release in 1971.

7. “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan (Lyrics)

Bob Dylan - Forever Young (Official Audio)

Dylan wrote this as a wish for his son, Jesse, with lyrics that tug at the heartstrings: “May you always be courageous / Stand upright and be strong / May you stay forever young.”

8. “Tears in Heaven” By Eric Clapton (Lyrics)

Tears in Heaven

“Tears in Heaven” is a powerful tribute to love’s long-lasting powers. Clapton wrote the song, along with Will Jennings, after the death of his 4-year-old son.

9. “You’ll Never Walk Alone” by Gerry and the Pacemakers (Lyrics)

Gerry & The Pacemakers - You'll Never Walk Alone [Official Video]

After loss, it’s common to feel alone. The lyrics of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” offer a sense of hope and companionship, making it one of the most popular funeral songs of all time.

Modern funeral songs

This selection of funeral songs comes from contemporary artists, but the titles listed still contain classic and timeless themes.

10. “Supermarket Flowers” by Ed Sheeran (Lyrics)

Ed Sheeran - Supermarket Flowers [Official Audio]

With a soft melody and thoughtful lyrics, Sheeran’s tribute to his grandmother speaks to the heavy, emotional days immediately following the death of a loved one.

11. “Waiting For You” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (Lyrics)

Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds - Waiting For You (Official Lyric Video)

Starting slow and swelling emotionally toward its end, this song speaks of waiting for a loved one to return. Cave wrote it after the death of his son, and it may be a meaningful choice for those who have lost a child.

12. “One Sweet Day” by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men (Lyrics)

Mariah Carey, Boyz II Men - One Sweet Day (Official Video)

This powerful and heart-tugging ballad is about losing a friend and waiting patiently to see them again.

13. “Beam Me Up” by Pink (Lyrics)

P!nk - Beam Me Up (Official Lyric Video)

Pink wrote “Beam Me Up” for a close friend who lost a child. In it, she imagines a parallel universe where those left behind can talk to their loved ones again and “nothing breaks and nothing hurts.”

14. “Hero” by Mariah Carey (Lyrics)

Mariah Carey - Hero (Official HD Video)

A powerful tribute to a mother, father, or another important role model, “Hero” conveys the power of inner strength.

15. “See You Again” by Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth (Lyrics)

Wiz Khalifa - See You Again ft. Charlie Puth [Official Video] Furious 7 Soundtrack

An excellent choice for paying tribute to a friend, this collaboration recounts shared memories and closes with a longing to see the person who has left us again.

16. “Angels” by Khalid (Lyrics)

Khalid - Angels (Official Lyric Video)

This is the closing track on the singer’s 2017 debut album. On it, Khalid speaks about seeing angels who give hope for better days ahead.

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Country funeral songs

It should come as no surprise that some of the biggest country artists of all time are responsible for some of the most inspiring and soulful funeral songs ever recorded.

17. “I’ll Fly Away” by Johnny Cash (Lyrics)

I'll Fly Away

Written by prolific composer Albert E. Brumley, “I’ll Fly Away” is a classic hymn performed at New Orleans jazz funerals. Cash’s rendition is slower than the original but just as uplifting.

18. “When I Get Where I’m Going” by Brad Paisley ft. Dolly Parton (Lyrics)

Brad Paisley - When I Get Where I'm Going (Official Video) ft. Dolly Parton

By describing what heaven will be like, Paisley and Parton attempt to bring solace to the bereaved. It’s a comforting choice for those who have lost partners, siblings, parents, or grandparents.

19. “Who You’d Be Today” by Kenny Chesney (Lyrics)

Kenny Chesney - Who You'd Be Today (Official Video)

When someone dies young, we often wonder what their life might have looked like. “Who’d You Be Today” mourns this loss and the person they might have become.

Uplifting funeral songs

If you’re looking to set a more inspirational tone at a funeral, these songs offer a message of optimism and hope.

20. “Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole (Lyrics)

OFFICIAL - Somewhere Over the Rainbow 2011 - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole

Perfect for a celebration of life, this medley of two classics has a more uplifting melody than traditional funeral songs. It paints an image of a better place “where troubles melt like lemon drops.”

21. “You’ll Be in My Heart” by Phil Collins (Lyrics)

You'll Be in My Heart

This song, written for the Disney movie Tarzan, reminds us that our loved ones will always live inside us, even if we cannot be with them.

22. “Life Without You” by Stevie Ray Vaughan (Lyrics)

Life Without You

Despite its name, “Life Without You” is an uplifting choice to play at a funeral. Vaughan wrote the song after after the untimely death of friend and mentor Charley Wirz, and it contains touching, heartfelt lyrics such as “Fly on, fly on, fly on my friend.”

23. “The Parting Glass” by The Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem (Lyrics)

The Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem - The Parting Glass

Commonly sung at an Irish funeral, “The Parting Glass” is a toast to a life well lived. For a more contemporary version, consider the rendition by Irish singer Hozier.

Religious funeral songs

Death can test people’s faith and cause them to seek out spirituality, and these songs can help provide solace during a difficult time.

24. “The Prayer” by Céline Dion and Andrea Bocelli (Lyrics)

Céline Dion, Andrea Bocelli - The Prayer (Official Audio)

While this duet is most popular around the holidays and for weddings, its inspirational message about asking God for guidance can be comforting in the wake of grief.

25. “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley (Lyrics)

Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah (Official Video)

Originally composed and sung by Leonard Cohen, “Hallelujah” has gained immense popularity in recent years due to Buckley’s soothing and touching rendition.

4 Ways to Create Meaningful Rituals Through Memory

In the moment, celebrating the life of a person we’ve lost can be difficult. The emotions we feel in the aftermath of a loved one’s passing are hard enough to deal with without having to try to do something constructive with those feelings.

But celebrating a life by designing intentional and creative rituals can feel surprisingly meaningful. You can incorporate these memorial ideas into yearly traditions on the anniversary of your loved one’s death, adding even greater and deeper significance to your observances.

We recently hosted a “Light After Loss” IG Live episode on this topic, with Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer and Karen Bussen, the founder of the end-of-life and funeral-planning service Farewelling. Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

memorial ideas with table setup for Dia de los Muertos

1. Create an altar

We are big fans of the Mexican holiday Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead. People set up an ofrenda — a table filled with pictures and objects that tell the stories of the deceased’s ancestors — among other memorial ideas. Think about setting up one of your own, either in your home or a more ephemeral space in nature that you walk or run to regularly. Don’t stress about it; this can be as simple as a few objects in a pretty box that you take out of your closet whenever you need it.

2. Do something your loved one wanted to do but never had a chance to experience

Whether it’s traveling, learning something, or having an adventure, treat it as a pilgrimage and a way to bring you closer to the person they were. And if it’s something you wouldn’t normally choose, remind yourself that the person who has left you would want you to experience new things even after they’re gone.

memorial ideas with woman holding photo of husband

3. Host a ‘memory potluck’

This gathering can be with or without actual recipes. It’s a terrific way to prompt storytelling, and inject some levity and joy into what is always a bittersweet experience: missing the person who is no longer with you. Make it an event centered on remembering one person or invite family and friends together to honor someone they are missing. You can even make this a monthly tradition with changing themes of anecdotes people should share: humor, adventure, romance, advice, etc.

4. Combine self-care and memory for a powerful ritual

Don’t pressure yourself to find the “perfect” thing; it just has to feel like you’re doing something that allows you to connect with your loved one. This doesn’t have to be something huge. For example, you can apply a luxurious hand and foot cream and light a candle, allowing yourself to relax as you let yourself remember. If there was a type of cuisine they particularly liked, cook a delicious meal in their memory. Or, watch one of their favorite movies. (Better yet: Create a watch party to chat with others watching the same thing so you can remember them together.)

Keep in mind that memorial ideas may need to evolve or change as you move through your experience with grief and loss. Give yourself permission to do that whenever you need to.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversations about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Trust us to help you express your condolences, giving comfort, and support. We offer funeral flowers for the service, handcrafted by our caring florists, and sympathy and remembrance gifts for the home.

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5 Ways to Support a Friend on a Difficult Anniversary

When we think of “being there” for the people we care about, our minds naturally turn to the period right after a major event, such as a diagnosis, death, or divorce. Many of us excel at coming through during those early days, when the needs are immediate and we have a general roadmap for hitting everything on an urgent to-do list (helping to plan a funeral, sending out emails, ordering food, researching doctors or other services).

After that initial period, however, we all have to get back to our daily lives. But guess what? That’s exactly when it gets extra lonely for the person you were so good at supporting.

The good news is that providing meaningful support to someone over the long term isn’t as hard as you think — you just need to get a little creative. And, trust us, they’ll always remember you did.

Here are five ways to be there for a loved one on a difficult anniversary.

1. Get out the e-planner

Ask your friend to send you any dates whose approach they dread, and enter them into your calendar with annual reminders. (Tip: Set a reminder for the day prior.) Send an email or text, or give them a call to let them know you’re thinking of them.

difficult anniversary with food delivery

2. Send something their way

The flowers and food deliveries are long gone even by the first anniversary mark. Be the one who changes that. Think of something that might lighten their mood, or inspire or comfort your friend. A bracelet that says “Keep going”? A shipment of ice cream packed with empathy? An enormous amount of chocolate or a card that expresses your true feelings? Send it their way and surprise them with your thoughtfulness.

3. Remember with them

What does this date signify? A wedding anniversary with a deceased partner? A birthday or “death day”? The day they signed their divorce papers or were told a relationship was over? Or the one when they learned they or a loved one were sick? If you have memories of their dead loved one, send a card or email and include some of them. Even a simple recollection or two about the deceased’s personality or a specific anecdote or occasion you celebrated with them will speak volumes. (Better yet: Make a plan to get together and tell the stories in person.) You can do the same for a diagnosis or another difficult anniversary; ask them what they’d like to talk about. Remember to ask follow-up questions and truly listen. Storytelling will be more appreciated than any “advice” you have to offer.

4. Send out the bat signal

difficult anniversary with friends toasting at paint nite class

There is power in numbers! Organize a meal train for the person’s close network to support them through comforting food and short visits that week. Ask your friend if they’re open to your planning a casual dinner gathering so that they have something to do on the day, and then have it at their favorite restaurant or a familiar home setting. Do they want to be distracted or blow off some steam? Go bowling, take a group “paint and sip” class, or head to your local axe throwing joint.

5. Get practical

In addition to emotional support, what do they need? Someone to stay with their kids while they have some precious alone time? An organized home? A ride to an appointment or someone to hold their hand in the waiting room? A clean dog? Send them a “gift certificate” for any or all of the above and lift some of the daily burdens off their shoulders during this particularly difficult anniversary.

This article was authored by Modern Loss, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss. Learn more at modernloss.com and the book “Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome.”

What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

Finding the right words and actions to express our sympathy when someone loses a loved one is often challenging. Here are seven ways to offer comfort and support during a difficult time.

Encourage expression of feelings

Allowing a grieving person to express how they feel can be a huge help. Try to listen without offering advice or interrupting. Letting them share memories and talk about their loved one might help them feel better.

Show affection

Often, showing affection will help someone else feel comforted. Try to hold their hand or hug them, if and when appropriate.

Be patient

It’s normal for someone grieving to experience a range of emotions. Healing takes time, so be patient and allow them to grieve at their own pace.

what to say to someone who is grieving with woman comforting a friend who has is grieving

Ask if you can help

Offering assistance with day-to-day matters can be very comforting. Running necessary errands or helping out with meals can go a long way toward reducing stress and giving them time to heal.

Encourage them to seek help

Sometimes a grieving person might need to join a support group or seek professional help in order to fully heal. Assist them in finding a group and/or making an appointment with a professional.

Send a card

Show your concern and support by sending a card. You can even put your own personal message inside.

Be sensitive

When someone is in mourning, some times will be harder for them than others. Holidays can be especially difficult, since these are typically occasions for celebrating with friends and family. Be sensitive to the feelings of those who have suffered a loss.

How to Help a Grieving Friend and Navigate Friendships in Times of Loss

Light After Loss: Grief and Social Dynamics

When we are grieving, our friendships can be deeply affected. Sometimes the people we assumed would be there for us no matter the situation are inexplicably absent, or very uncomfortable around us, or saying hurtful things. It’s one of those secondary losses that we just don’t talk about enough, and it can make the experience of grief even more painful.

Loss is an individual experience, but it doesn’t have to be such an isolating one. There are many ways to pull each other in during tough times. In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and her “grief friend,” New York Times bestselling author Emily Rapp Black, had an honest conversation about ways our grieving selves can seek out meaningful connection and support the ones in our lives going through loss, as well as some tried-and-true things that don’t ever seem to work (take notes!).

Be open to making ‘grief friends’

It’s hard enough to make friends as an adult, and in grief, we can feel even more alone. But friends made in grief can be some of our closest connections. There’s an emotional shorthand that allows people across all backgrounds to find common ground when they connect over universal experiences, such as end-of-life and loss. When we meet someone else who “gets it,” the potential for an immediate and strong friendship is evident. Try to remain open to the possibility, even with people you might not have thought you could otherwise connect with.

How to help a grieving friend with woman riding bike with friends

Seek comfort in a social setting

You don’t have to automatically seek out a therapy group to find support. Sometimes, if you enter a group that aligns with your interests and where you don’t feel pressure to automatically share your story, you make friends organically and eventually incorporate your loss experiences into your relationships.

Think about what you like doing. If you enjoy outdoor activity, join a hiking, running, or cycling group. If you’re religious, find a group that aligns with your beliefs. If you find calm doing artistic projects, seek out those in a group setting.

Draw boundaries, if necessary

Is someone in your life questioning aspects of your grief? Are they telling you to “get over it” or that you seem too sad after a while, or assuring you that it can’t be as bad as you say it is? Consider creating some distance from those people. (It doesn’t have to be permanent, but even a temporary break when you’re feeling raw can do wonders.) Grief is hard enough without having people in our life who offer denial or toxic positivity.

Remember that you’re in control

You don’t have to give all the details, all the time. The truth is, not everyone is going to want to engage with your stories. But as you become more familiar with living with your own loss, you will learn to trust your gut.

How to help a grieving friend

Remember this one simple sentence: Show up, follow up, and follow through.

It’s hard to sit with someone who is experiencing deep grief; we have a tendency to project or make it about ourselves, and that’s normal. That doesn’t feel good to the griever, though. Friendship isn’t about fixing or changing a hard situation — it’s about just witnessing it and holding space for whatever is happening.

Four tips for helping a grieving friend

How to help a grieving friend with friend supporting grieving friend
  • Avoid saying things like “I can’t imagine” or “I would die if I were you.” (Yes, people say these things!) It may feel like you’re expressing empathy, but, in fact, you’re just creating distance between you and the griever.
  • Focus more on expressing the sentiment of “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I am here for you,” and then actually be there if and when you’re asked to be.
  • Consider what specifically you can offer them. Are you a neighbor and know their lawn needs to be mowed? A friend who can watch their kids for a few hours to offer them a brief respite? Are you someone who is neat and organized, or a good cook? Offer to clean up their place or bring them a meal.
  • If you’re close to the griever, check in on them daily. This can be as simple as a text asking “How are you today?” anchoring the question within a moment in time. And feel free to tell them that you’re going to be in touch with them every day without any expectation of a response. Just knowing you are there for them goes a long way.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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How to Cultivate Self-Compassion

When you’re grieving, every day feels like National Grief Awareness Day. But did you know the United States actually has such a designated day? It’s on Aug. 30 and was established in 2014 by Angie Cartwright, who had experienced enormous grief stemming from the loss of her baby sister, newlywed husband, and mother. The day’s mission is to encourage open and honest communication about the various ways in which we cope with loss and bereavement, and to remind us all to support those we know who are grieving.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with mindfulness coach Annie Pearson about the importance of self-awareness and self-compassion in grief, along with some easy-to-do grounding exercises.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Why is it important to create an ongoing sense of awareness about our grief?

Once we are aware of how we are feeling — and it’s important to check in with yourself on a regular basis — we can start to give ourselves what we need to move through a difficult moment in the best way possible. If we ignore these feelings or what our body is telling us, this feeling won’t go away by just pretending it’s not there. Some of this has to do with allowing ourselves to be uncomfortable, but difficult things will seem more manageable once we name them out loud. (A tip from Pearson: The phrase “Name it to tame it” works for her!)

How do we deal with ‘future worry’?

It’s natural to spend time ruminating about what happened in the past or what might happen in the future, but it’s a lot more helpful to focus on what’s happening now. Mindfulness exercises are meant to help you ground yourself and be present in the moment. And the best part: They’re easy to learn and use anywhere.

3 exercises to help anchor ourselves in the moment

1. Belly breath (also called the “three-part breath”)

This exercise helps us expand our lungs and take in more breath.

Breathe in through your chest, rib cage, and belly. Pause, then breathe out through your belly, rib gate, and chest.

2. Focus on the sounds

Photo of a woman meditating

This exercise is a great step for beginners who are nervous about trying meditation.

Instead of trying to meditate by ignoring the sounds around you, change your focus so that you start to really listen to those sounds. Begin with the sound that is farthest away and name it without judgment (a dog barking, street traffic, etc.). Continue listening to the sounds closer to you, naming and labeling them without judgment, until you get to the sounds of your own breath and heartbeat. Listen to and name everything. Then, open your eyes, listen again, and see what you notice.

3. Finger touch meditation

Repeat a chant or affirmation as you touch each finger to the thumb on its same hand (index finger touches thumb, middle finger touches thumb, etc.). For example, you can use “I am peaceful” or “I am OK.”

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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