Tag: Light After Loss

Save, Store, or Donate: Organizing What’s Left Behind After a Loss

Deciding what to keep (or sell, donate, or even just throw away) after a loss can be hard. When we are grieving, a mere “object” can carry so much emotional charge that even considering starting the process can feel overwhelming.

Light After Loss Ep 23: Save, Store, or Donate: Organizing What's Left Behind After a Loss

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Shira Gill, a globally recognized home organizing expert and author of “Minimalista” and “Organized Living.” Gill has taught thousands of people how to declutter their homes and lives, and developed a process and toolkit that applies to anyone, regardless of budget, space, or lifestyle. She is also intimately familiar with the experience of going through a loved one’s belongings.

Here are six of her best tips that might help as you consider starting your own “edit,” or helping someone through theirs.

1. Check in with yourself

It’s important, first and foremost, to respect your own process. After all, it can take years for someone to feel ready to sort through certain items, such as personal letters or photos. Unless you are under a short deadline to go through everything at once (and if you are, please consider putting everything into storage boxes for the time being), do ongoing check-ins with yourself to see how you feel about starting this type of project. You can sense when you feel ready. Trust your gut.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  • How does it feel to consider beginning the process?
  • Would it be cathartic to make some decisions on what to do with things, or does the thought of it fill me with dread and anxiety?
  • Do I only feel comfortable when I imagine going through things that don’t seem as personal as others?
  • Am I at the point where I feel like my life is being overtaken by someone else’s stuff? Do I feel less anxious when I imagine some items being removed from my daily surroundings?
A woman packs clothes in a box for donating clothes

2. Seek out support through friends and extended community

When there is a loss, most people around the griever want to help but don’t know how. Many are happy to receive an assigned role or invitation to be helpful in a specific way.

Many people feel shame around asking for help. But the intrinsic motivation to do something hard and emotionally grueling doesn’t come easily to most of us. This is one of those life experiences when the presence of another can be an integral salve — not just in helping you feel less alone but in helping you make some good decisions and even in keeping you on task.

Consider inviting someone from your family or a group of friends, or even a colleague who you trust to have no judgment to take on bite-sized pieces of the process with you — even if just to sit with you for a couple of hours while you go through a box or two. The person will feel like they’ve been a useful part of a very hard experience, and you won’t easily forget their support either.

3. Physical boundaries are your friend

In a process that has no real rules, knowing that you have certain boundaries that will keep you anchored can be liberating and grounding. When it comes to thinking through what items you can physically keep in your own home, consider purchasing a set number of airtight bins that will comfortably fit in your storage area. Creating limits may help you make some difficult choices more easily.

4. Categorize, categorize, categorize

how to declutter with antique pocket watch with Victorian items

Try to make a delineation between “stuff” and true memorabilia. Perhaps your dad’s coffee mug carries no emotional weight, but his marked-up trail map or photos from the Peace Corps do. Look at the items you want to go through and decide which ones are mere “things” and which are unique to your person. Set aside a premium pile of things to either keep or give to family members or friends, and another that might be able to do some good for someone you don’t even know. You don’t have to make a final decision right away (and you might even end up switching some items as time goes by), but categorizing as you go can help things become more clear.

5. Pace yourself

Unless you have to go through belongings in a short period of time, allow yourself to work in small increments. Taking the pressure off when decision-making stakes feel high is so important. Pace yourself and go step by step to keep up your energy and stay focused.

You may find it easier to sort by category one at a time — say, books, music, clothing, or appliances — so you can assess each category and select the most meaningful and precious items from each group. And remember, there’s nothing wrong with shoving everything into a bunch of boxes and putting them in storage until you are ready to sit and process.

6. Give things to those who will appreciate them

Chances are you won’t be able to — or even want to — hold onto everything left behind. You can also be sure that other people in your life would emotionally benefit from being able to receive some of those things. Make a list of everyone connected to your person who might have an interest in having something, and then let them choose what they want in a structured way.

One option is to take photos of everything you are willing to part with, and send a blanket email to your inner circle asking people to tell you what they’d want and offering to ship it to them. Another is to set a time to invite people to visit your home and look at everything using a sticker system as a visual code to “claim” things they really care about (ie, “red” means someone really wants an item, “yellow” is a nice to have). If you’re lucky, you won’t have any conflict over any items (and if you do, make it clear that you reserve the right to hold onto them until you make a final decision…remember the part about pacing yourself?) Then, donate whatever is left over.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Overcoming the Stigma Around Mental Health

In 1949, the United States government designated May as Mental Health Awareness Month. The purpose of this month is to raise awareness about the importance of mental health and provide information about what people can do if they feel their own mental health or that of someone they care about is cause for concern.

Light After Loss Episode 21: Mental Health Awareness: Overcoming the Stigma

In a recent “Light After Loss” episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer spoke with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a psychologist as well as the founder of Therapy for Black Girls and host of its mental health podcast. Bradford’s work focuses on making mental health topics more relevant and accessible for Black women, and creating spaces for them to have fuller and healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Why is there such a stigma surrounding the topic of mental health?

Many people didn’t grow up being taught about the importance of caring for their mental health. Also, some communities that are more deeply rooted within religion and spirituality tend to promote the idea that if you are struggling with mental illness, your faith may not be strong enough, or, even, that you are cursed. None of this encourages an open conversation about mental healthcare.

How has the stigma surrounding mental health historically affected Black and Brown women?

A common “strong Black woman” stereotype suggests that they’re the ones who are supposed to hold everything together: at home, at work, within their communities. That is nearly impossible to do without struggle. The idea that someone might not be strong enough to face whatever emotional concerns they’re having goes against that stereotype, and that results in some women feeling like it’s not OK to admit they need help. Also, historically, Black women have been penalized for having mental health issues in various ways, from being put into prison to losing employment to having children taken away from them.

Why is it important to see ourselves reflected in our therapist?

The field of therapy — its theories and interventions — was developed by and for straight white men. When you choose a therapist, it can be helpful to see someone who has a cultural knowledge of what those theories and interventions look like with your community, and who has a similar background. If a therapist doesn’t understand those nuances, important things might be missed. For example, talking about “being tired” within the Black female community can mean that someone is experiencing deep burnout. Someone who doesn’t understand the context might try to help that person look at their sleep hygiene.

mental health awareness with woman talking to a therapist

The reality is that finding someone like that can be difficult. Fewer than 4% of psychologists in the United States are Black, and an even smaller percentage are practicing clinicians.

What should we keep in mind when searching for a therapist?

Therapy is a lot like dating. The first therapist you work with might not be the one that’s the best fit for you. Give yourself permission to find someone else who might work with you in a better way if it doesn’t feel right.

Before reaching out to anyone, make a list of the things that are important to you: Do you want someone with the same cultural background? Sexual orientation? Gender identity or religion? Do you need someone who takes insurance or someone who offers hours that fit with your scheduling constraints? Have that list with you as you speak with people — and use the typical free 20-minute consultations! — but, also, keep an open mind. Your perfect therapist might end up being none of those things but just feel like the right fit for you.

mental health awareness with mom comforting daughter

Ideally, how would we grow up learning how to nourish our mental health?

It’s so important to learn how to verbalize our feelings, and, ideally, from a young age. We all need to learn that it’s OK to cry, and have and show other emotions and big feelings. It’s also powerful to know that you always have someone at home or at school to talk to about those things in early childhood. (But, also, it’s never too late to learn any of this.)

How can having a sense of community help us heal?

It’s important to remember that we are never alone with any struggle we have. Even with the most embarrassing things we’ve experienced, we need to know there is always someone who has experienced something similar and who can help you to hold it.

It’s also important to get ourselves to a point where we are willing to ask for help. Frequently, we identify our importance to people by how they offer help — but not everyone who cares about us knows exactly when we need it. Get out of your comfort zone, and you might be pleasantly surprised by who shows up for you.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

The Loneliness Epidemic: How to Get More Social Connection

We are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. According to a report by the Making Caring Common project at Harvard University, 36% of Americans suffer from loneliness, 62% of those are between 18 and 25, and 51% of those are mothers with young children. The incidence of loneliness is also high among the elderly, who, during the course of Covid-19, have been especially isolated and starved for meaningful interaction.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer talked with Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a clinical psychologist and leading expert on anxiety and stress management, about the dangers of loneliness, the effect social media has on our feelings of isolation, and strategies for how we can feel more connected to others.

The Loneliness Epidemic: How to Get More Social Connection

The detrimental effects of loneliness

We have a tendency to minimize the importance of social connection, but research shows that a notable lack of it is linked to serious health problems, including obesity and high blood pressure. Many of us play down the loneliness we feel because we are ashamed of it — it can touch on “rejection sensitivity” or our self-esteem or sense of self-worth — so we convince ourselves that feeling lonely isn’t as big a deal as it actually is.

What to do when we feel lonely

The most important thing we can do when we feel lonely is acknowledge, without any shame, that we have a longing to be with people in a meaningful way. This is a positive and healthy step because it means that we are in touch with our emotional needs.

How social media can hurt and help with feelings of loneliness

loneliness with woman scrolling social media

When we aimlessly scroll through our social media feeds and see updates from people we don’t know who look to be leading full and happy lives, we get a misrepresentation of how things really are, and this can enhance our own feelings of isolation.

Instead, we should mindfully use social media for a set period of time, and in a more targeted fashion, to have a more connective experience. Seeking out posts in places like online support groups or forums that align with our interests, and typing messages and interacting with people in a meaningful manner, allow us to both provide help to others and receive the help we need.

5 simple ways to actively seek out connection

When we feel overly anxious, we can get tunnel vision and be unable to think in a broader way, like waiting until we’re starving to look for a healthy snack. So, don’t wait for a moment of extreme loneliness to take action; take advantage of your support network — it’s bigger than you think it is.

  1. During a calm moment, prepare a physical “call list” of people you’d like to catch up with. Don’t wait for the “perfect” moment to reach out; if you have a window of even 10 or 15 minutes, use that time to get in touch with one of them. If they miss your call, they’ll call you back. It’s all about sowing the seeds of connection.
  2. Do not be nervous to tell people you’re having a bad day. Studies show that asking people for small favors makes the requestee feel important and brings people closer together.
loneliness with flower arranging class
  1. Join online or IRL programs or groups that you have a personal interest in. These can be anything from a book club to a flower arranging class to an adult sports league. Doing this will get you involved in something you enjoy doing and surround you with those who have the same interests as you.
  2. Consider hosting a small event in your own home or at a local venue. Send an invitation to a few people clearly stating that one of your intentions is to meet more people, and ask them to each bring two or three friends. (This really works!)
  3. Get a massage. Research shows that massage therapy can reduce cortisol levels in the body by up as much as 30%. (Cortisol is the body’s main stress hormone.) Sometimes, just experiencing some simple, healing touch can reinvigorate that part of ourselves that needs to be around people.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

How to Create Meaningful Holiday Rituals When Living with Loss

The Christmas season can be stressful no matter what, but for those of us living with loss, not having our person (or pet) around this time of year can loom extra large. One way to help you to stay connected to them is by creating a meaningful ritual.

Rituals don’t have to be religious — they just have to be meaningful to you. They can be ongoing or merely a one-time thing. Their power lies in granting you a small bit of control over an experience that allows you very little control: grief.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer talked with artist and ritualist Day Schildrekt, author of the book “Hello, Goodbye: 75 Rituals for Times of Loss, Celebration and Change.” Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Light After Loss: Healing Rituals For The Holidays

What are the integral components of ritual?

Ritual is always about an approach. It is something that you have to slow down to do while pausing anything else that’s going on in your day. It forces you to enter into a timeless place that requires your imagination and connection.

Rituals are typically positioned around thresholds, i.e., moments of change in our lives, such as weddings, graduations, career milestones, and times of birth and loss. They allow us to return to what’s important so that we don’t lose those past events in our memories. Holiday times are an important period for us to weave certain moments back into our memories in meaningful ways.

Ritual can and should be beautiful. With any one you create, imagine that you are crossing a threshold, and also adorning it, in the way that you might hang a beautiful holiday wreath on your door. Ask yourself: What is someone or something I want to weave into this moment? What is one memory that I want to remember while I do this?

How can ritual help us to recover from times of loss?

Loss is a part of life, and grief is a way of loving life well, as Schildrekt puts it. It’s not an affliction or something we have to “get over.” Our grief is how we can connect back to those we have lost. But we live very busy lives, and we can easily become overwhelmed by the fast pace of our work and day-to-day responsibilities. If we don’t mindfully create mechanisms to help us to remember, we can feel like we are losing our loved ones, and the memories of them, all over again. The rituals are what help us to remember that we have to remember.

creating rituals with toasting

How can we create simple, accessible rituals during the holiday season?

Anything done with intention and meaning can have a powerful effect. This can be as simple as leaving a glass of wine on the holiday table for your person because you wish they were there and feel the imprint of their loss. The ritual involved can be as simple as raising a glass and sharing a memory that you want to weave back into the holiday event. You might also consider making a wreath or bouquet of flowers while doing the same mental exercise.

Rituals have to be done physically. We perform them through our hands, feet, mouth, stomachs. They involve us breaking or tearing things, or submerging, burying, or igniting something. In doing so, we keep our bodies busy, and that can be healing to us when we are grieving and feel like we have nothing to do but wallow in our feelings.

creating rituals with zoom call with candles

How can we create a ritual with people who are spread out geographically?

Consider making a Zoom tree. Invite meaningful people onto a Zoom call and ask for them to join with a candle or tealight. Start the ritual by sharing a memory of your person and lighting your candle, and then ask someone else to share one of theirs and light their candle, and so on and so forth. By doing this, you get to, quite literally, illuminate your memories and remember together as a group.

As we approach a new year, how can we create rituals for new beginnings?

New Year’s Eve is another one of those threshold moments, an occasion when it’s important to look back as well as look forward. Raising a glass and creating a ritual around toasting is an easy way to do this. Build it into four rounds: Starting at 11 p.m., ask yourself a different question every 15 minutes about the past year — “What is something or someone I’m leaving behind this year?” “What is a feeling I would like to have less of?” “What will I miss the most?” — and take a sip from your glass after each one. Then, after midnight, do another four rounds every 15 minutes and ask yourself what you would like to experience, accomplish, or work on in the new year, again taking a sip after each round.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

The Power of Human Connection

The Importance of Connection

Our capacity for resilience can sometimes be seen through the lens of what we have already been through. In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer talked with actor, author, and Grammy-nominated artist Alexandra Silber. The two touched on grief, loss, and how Silber’s own personal losses folded into her ability to keep her head above water throughout the COVID-19 pandemic — a time when her ability to do her job as a performer in person came to a grinding halt.

Here are four key takeaways from Silber’s experience of when her life went suddenly sideways.

1. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Silber’s father died when she was a teenager. The pain was excruciating, but eventually she realized that to have gone through that tragic event and not let it destroy her or cause her to spiritually collapse on herself was a superpower that she reminds herself about when things get very hard. That experience, too, has helped her through major heartbreaks, the disappointments that come with being an adult, and especially being a performer in a ruthless industry. She knows she can endure those hardships because she knows she has been able to bear something much greater.

human connection with woman getting manicure

2. Ritual is important in times of loss

Ritual doesn’t have to be a religious act. For some of us, it means doing a certain physical or artistic endeavor. For others, it’s a simple act of self-care, such as a weekly manicure. For Silber, theater has many of the sanctities of traditional ritual: the repetition of words, the intentions, the bearing of witness, and, ultimately, catharsis. To have that taken from her as an individual was one kind of loss, but to have the communal feeling of performing for an audience ripped away was very profound, and she had to find other ways to create that human connection.

3. Grievers can help those dealing with new grief

When the COVID-19 lockdown hit, Silber — a grief veteran — found that she was able to revert back to bearing a level of anxiety and dread on a daily basis that resembled her early days of loss. And, at the same time, she could hold space for people in her life who, for the first time, were encountering the feelings of not knowing how they would get through the day.

4. Compassion fatigue is real

human connection with compassion fatigue

Some people are veterans of world-ending emotions. For Silber, though, realizing that the world was experiencing such a sudden life shift all at once when the pandemic hit was enormously overwhelming. In disasters, there are the “over-functioners” and the “under-functioners;” Silber is an “over-functioner.” But doing and action are not the same as being present with feelings.

While she was able to support others for a few months in the spring of 2020, Silber experienced the hard feelings later, at a time when she had exhausted the capacity to hold space for other people because she wasn’t holding it for herself. Once she hit that wall, she knew she had to actively draw boundaries and focus on self-care.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Facing the ‘Silent Sorrow’: How to Cope With Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Light After Loss: Navigating the Grief from Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, established in 1988, is observed every October as a way to recognize the unique grief of bereaved partners and families, and to demonstrate support for these people who have suffered such a tragic loss.

People experiencing pregnancy and infant loss are in an extremely new normal and state of being. And even though these losses are far from uncommon, they are still known as the “silent sorrow.” With regard to parenthood, in our culture we prefer to talk about happy things, and why wouldn’t we? But the reality is that parenthood sometimes includes profound grief, and the more we avoid openly acknowledging that, the more we push parents who are suffering back into the shadows.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Erica McAfee, the founder of Sisters in Loss, a maternal child health education company where Black women share their stories about pregnancy and infant loss, and infertility.

Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

Pregnancy and infant loss is more widespread than you think

We tend to use words like “unimaginable” when it comes to pregnancy and infant loss, but in reality they happen every day. If you look around a crowded room, you’ll probably see at least one person who has experienced it in some way.

The facts are:

  • Fifteen to 20% of pregnancies end in a first trimester loss (up until 14 weeks).
  • In the U.S., the rate of stillbirth (considered any time after 20 weeks of gestation) is one in 160 to 200 pregnancies.
  • Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) affects between 5,000 and 7,000 infants every year.
  • Approximately 11,300 infants die within 24 hours of their birth each year.
infant loss with grieving mom in nursery

These types of losses affect our entire being

What people may not think about when they hear the words “stillbirth,” “miscarriage,” or “infant loss” is that the birthing person has an enormous burden of grief on them in every possible way.

They might be lactating without a baby to feed, or have pregnancy weight, or be dealing with another physical ailment stemming from pregnancy and labor, plus the grief they are feeling. This is an enormously difficult collision of realities, not just for the birthing person but everyone around them. It’s important to give someone in this situation extra compassion — and if you’re that person, you need to give yourself that compassion.

There is a disparity in care

Black women are four to five times more likely to die from pregnancy-related causes. Nearly 800 women a year die from pregnancy-related causes up to one year post-partum. Many women of color are dismissed when they speak up with their concerns, and the consequences can be deadly. It’s integral to listen to the voices of all kinds of birthing people.

Avoid platitudes when trying to offer meaningful help

We must get more comfortable holding space to present these losses in ways that help people feel less alone. One way to avoid drawing a line between you and a grieving parent is to avoid saying things like:

  • “You can always get pregnant again.”
  • “At least you have another healthy child.”
  • “You’re still young — you have time.”
  • “At least you weren’t ‘that’ pregnant.”

Comments like these dismiss the actual baby, ignore the shattering experience of pregnancy coupled with loss, and overtly ignore the fact that the grieving person is actually a parent. They can be very dismantling and are likely to result in defenses going up and you being regarded as someone who doesn’t really see another’s experience.

4 ways to provide support

infant loss with woman consoling friend
  1. Ask the parent to share their baby’s name, or what they were thinking of naming the child.
  2. Acknowledge that they are actually parents, regardless of whether they have a living child. They are parents; they are just parenting differently. This is especially important on days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
  3. Make a point to acknowledge that they’re grieving, no matter what point they are at. Give them grace as they go through their process and do not expect that they will ever be the “old them.” Grieving looks different for everyone.
  4. Remember with them. Bereaved parents often feel utterly alone in their grief. Try to change that experience for them by using their child’s name and saying, “I want you to know I remember…” with any memories of their baby.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss at the Office

With as many as 20% of pregnancies ending in miscarriage and one in 160 ending in stillbirth, it is likely you or someone you know has dealt with this emotional and stressful event. In addition to personal pain, pregnancy loss often leads to uncertainty on the job.

The Miscarriage Association surveyed 600 people who experienced a pregnancy loss and found that most encountered confusion in the office. Nearly 50% of the respondents were unaware of their rights, and many managers weren’t aware of their responsibilities.

Here is advice from the Miscarriage Association for dealing with pregnancy loss in the workplace:

  • Encourage a supportive environment and culture in which workers feel comfortable talking to their managers.
  • When approached, take the lead from the employee. Ask them what they need, and listen.
  • Stay in touch with the employee, but do not pressure a return to the office.
  • Ask what they can do to support a return to the workplace and implement any reasonable adjustments.
  • Ask the employee what, if anything, to share with coworkers. Share the information only if they want it to be communicated.
  • Make allowances for ongoing medical appointments.

4 Ways to Create Meaningful Rituals Through Memory

In the moment, celebrating the life of a person we’ve lost can be difficult. The emotions we feel in the aftermath of a loved one’s passing are hard enough to deal with without having to try to do something constructive with those feelings.

But celebrating a life by designing intentional and creative rituals can feel surprisingly meaningful. You can incorporate these memorial ideas into yearly traditions on the anniversary of your loved one’s death, adding even greater and deeper significance to your observances.

We recently hosted a “Light After Loss” IG Live episode on this topic, with Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer and Karen Bussen, the founder of the end-of-life and funeral-planning service Farewelling. Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

memorial ideas with table setup for Dia de los Muertos

1. Create an altar

We are big fans of the Mexican holiday Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead. People set up an ofrenda — a table filled with pictures and objects that tell the stories of the deceased’s ancestors — among other memorial ideas. Think about setting up one of your own, either in your home or a more ephemeral space in nature that you walk or run to regularly. Don’t stress about it; this can be as simple as a few objects in a pretty box that you take out of your closet whenever you need it.

2. Do something your loved one wanted to do but never had a chance to experience

Whether it’s traveling, learning something, or having an adventure, treat it as a pilgrimage and a way to bring you closer to the person they were. And if it’s something you wouldn’t normally choose, remind yourself that the person who has left you would want you to experience new things even after they’re gone.

memorial ideas with woman holding photo of husband

3. Host a ‘memory potluck’

This gathering can be with or without actual recipes. It’s a terrific way to prompt storytelling, and inject some levity and joy into what is always a bittersweet experience: missing the person who is no longer with you. Make it an event centered on remembering one person or invite family and friends together to honor someone they are missing. You can even make this a monthly tradition with changing themes of anecdotes people should share: humor, adventure, romance, advice, etc.

4. Combine self-care and memory for a powerful ritual

Don’t pressure yourself to find the “perfect” thing; it just has to feel like you’re doing something that allows you to connect with your loved one. This doesn’t have to be something huge. For example, you can apply a luxurious hand and foot cream and light a candle, allowing yourself to relax as you let yourself remember. If there was a type of cuisine they particularly liked, cook a delicious meal in their memory. Or, watch one of their favorite movies. (Better yet: Create a watch party to chat with others watching the same thing so you can remember them together.)

Keep in mind that memorial ideas may need to evolve or change as you move through your experience with grief and loss. Give yourself permission to do that whenever you need to.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversations about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

Trust us to help you express your condolences, giving comfort, and support. We offer funeral flowers for the service, handcrafted by our caring florists, and sympathy and remembrance gifts for the home.

Wishing You Peace Sympathy Fruit Basket
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Classic All White Arrangement for Sympathy
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In Memory of a Life So Beautifully Lived Candle

How to Help a Grieving Friend and Navigate Friendships in Times of Loss

Light After Loss: Grief and Social Dynamics

When we are grieving, our friendships can be deeply affected. Sometimes the people we assumed would be there for us no matter the situation are inexplicably absent, or very uncomfortable around us, or saying hurtful things. It’s one of those secondary losses that we just don’t talk about enough, and it can make the experience of grief even more painful.

Loss is an individual experience, but it doesn’t have to be such an isolating one. There are many ways to pull each other in during tough times. In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and her “grief friend,” New York Times bestselling author Emily Rapp Black, had an honest conversation about ways our grieving selves can seek out meaningful connection and support the ones in our lives going through loss, as well as some tried-and-true things that don’t ever seem to work (take notes!).

Be open to making ‘grief friends’

It’s hard enough to make friends as an adult, and in grief, we can feel even more alone. But friends made in grief can be some of our closest connections. There’s an emotional shorthand that allows people across all backgrounds to find common ground when they connect over universal experiences, such as end-of-life and loss. When we meet someone else who “gets it,” the potential for an immediate and strong friendship is evident. Try to remain open to the possibility, even with people you might not have thought you could otherwise connect with.

How to help a grieving friend with woman riding bike with friends

Seek comfort in a social setting

You don’t have to automatically seek out a therapy group to find support. Sometimes, if you enter a group that aligns with your interests and where you don’t feel pressure to automatically share your story, you make friends organically and eventually incorporate your loss experiences into your relationships.

Think about what you like doing. If you enjoy outdoor activity, join a hiking, running, or cycling group. If you’re religious, find a group that aligns with your beliefs. If you find calm doing artistic projects, seek out those in a group setting.

Draw boundaries, if necessary

Is someone in your life questioning aspects of your grief? Are they telling you to “get over it” or that you seem too sad after a while, or assuring you that it can’t be as bad as you say it is? Consider creating some distance from those people. (It doesn’t have to be permanent, but even a temporary break when you’re feeling raw can do wonders.) Grief is hard enough without having people in our life who offer denial or toxic positivity.

Remember that you’re in control

You don’t have to give all the details, all the time. The truth is, not everyone is going to want to engage with your stories. But as you become more familiar with living with your own loss, you will learn to trust your gut.

How to help a grieving friend

Remember this one simple sentence: Show up, follow up, and follow through.

It’s hard to sit with someone who is experiencing deep grief; we have a tendency to project or make it about ourselves, and that’s normal. That doesn’t feel good to the griever, though. Friendship isn’t about fixing or changing a hard situation — it’s about just witnessing it and holding space for whatever is happening.

Four tips for helping a grieving friend

How to help a grieving friend with friend supporting grieving friend
  • Avoid saying things like “I can’t imagine” or “I would die if I were you.” (Yes, people say these things!) It may feel like you’re expressing empathy, but, in fact, you’re just creating distance between you and the griever.
  • Focus more on expressing the sentiment of “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I am here for you,” and then actually be there if and when you’re asked to be.
  • Consider what specifically you can offer them. Are you a neighbor and know their lawn needs to be mowed? A friend who can watch their kids for a few hours to offer them a brief respite? Are you someone who is neat and organized, or a good cook? Offer to clean up their place or bring them a meal.
  • If you’re close to the griever, check in on them daily. This can be as simple as a text asking “How are you today?” anchoring the question within a moment in time. And feel free to tell them that you’re going to be in touch with them every day without any expectation of a response. Just knowing you are there for them goes a long way.

This article was authored by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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Mourning a Public Figure: Why It’s Valid

In the series “Light After Loss,” Modern Loss’s Rebecca Soffer discusses ways to navigate the long arc of grief and loss. 

Do you ever feel taken by surprise when you find yourself deeply affected by a public figure’s death? You’re not alone at all. Grieving over someone you do not personally know is very normal and deserves respect and validation.

In a recent “Light After Loss” Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss’ Rebecca Soffer and Alysha Lacey, program director for Dougy Center: the National Grief Center for Children and Families, talked about how public figures are connected to our own lives and the ways we can support both ourselves and young people affected by their deaths.

Light After Loss - Mourning a Public Figure: Why It's Valid

Here are some key takeaways from their chat:

The loss of a public figure is real grief. The death can be impactful because it connects us to our own mortality and can trigger feelings surrounding the other losses we’ve had in our lives. Perhaps when we think of that person and what they’ve created or achieved, we remember a time in our lives that feels so far away from us now. Maybe we remember watching the famous player score that goal with a loved one who has died, listening to a favorite song by the musician with them, or watching the actor in a certain show together. When the public figure connected to those memories dies, it can hit us hard and make us feel as though we are losing another part of our loved one again.

Turn to someone for support

Find a friend who is open to hearing what you’re feeling and why it’s hard. Even if they don’t have the right thing to say or feel the same connection with that person, all you need to know is that they are willing to listen and won’t make you feel silly for feeling the emotions.

Think about how you can support a young person mourning a public figure

If a child or young adult in your life is greatly affected by the death of someone they looked up to, it’s vital that you try to help them process their feelings about their loss. You don’t have to personally have the same fanaticism about that person; you just need to honor whatever feelings are coming up surrounding their death and be clear that you are there if they want to share what the person meant to them. For younger kids, it’s important to ask what they know about the death and try to explain any necessary details they want to know in age-appropriate ways. By doing so, you will make it clear that they can comfortably and safely come to you with questions in the future.

Consider getting off social media

It can be reassuring to feel you’re in the digital presence of fellow mourners, but sometimes it can feel overwhelming and interfere with your day-to-day life. If tracking developments online is starting to impede work or family responsibilities, consider limiting your exposure. And certainly do not allow yourself to watch any upsetting videos dealing with your person, including reactions from fans and media that might further trigger you.

Going to see a therapist to get professional help when mourning a celebrity

Know when to get professional help

If you’re feeling triggered in a way that means you need additional support — for example, if the person who died was accused or convicted of something you experienced personally, or if they promoted a belief or lifestyle that goes directly against your own — please reach out to a mental health professional who is trained to guide you through the process.

There are ways to continue the relationship moving forward

It may sound strange, but remind yourself that your connection to a person you have never met can only continue. Think about ways you can keep the best of them present in your life and share them with the people around you. Introduce your kids to their music through a dance party, watch one of their movies with your partner, or get reacquainted with a book they wrote. Chances are good that there’s a wealth of additional footage or content connected to the person that you have yet to experience.

This article was written by ModernLoss.com, which offers candid conversation about grief and meaningful community throughout the long arc of loss.

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